manslations

Reader Emily has had a crush on her bartender for a long, long time. 2 years. And she wants to know — is it time to make the move? Let’s find out. Emily writes:

Manslation Master (aka Jeff),

Here’s the deal. I have a crush situation that seems to have developed into something more, but I need your wisdom to interpret the male side of the equation since my brain has been thoroughly muddled by the aforementioned crush. There’s this boy (well, man, he is 33) who I’ve had a crush on for about two years. He works at a bar/restaurant around the corner from where I used to live. I would frequent this establishment, at first out of convenience and then with the added benefit of his company. We had a very friendly rapport from the beginning, but I was always aware of the bartender/customer dynamic that naturally fueled this interaction and I tried not to read too much into it. But, I couldn’t help but have a humongous, haven’t-felt-this-way-since-high-school crush on the guy. He is kind, handsome, open-hearted, funny, quirky, genuine, and there is simply something about his engagement with the world that I find extremely attractive.

In any case, things eventually came to a crux and I asked him if he would like get a drink sometime with me. At which point he told me he had a girlfriend. I believe the gist of his response was “I would if I could but I can’t,” though in a more eloquent fashion. I went home and licked my wounds for a while, but, since I genuinely liked the guy and we always had good conversation, I would grab dinner at his bar every once in a while. The crush, of course, didn’t dissipate. This is honestly the only man I have ever met who can leave me tongue tied just by saying hello. And I’m a pretty level headed gal. Then, after about a year, I moved a few neighborhoods away (this is NYC, so it was only a few miles, but worlds away in terms of subway lines).

Fast forward a few months. I am now hanging out in the neighborhood again (a good friend of mine moved there and I started taking a class there once a week) and, of course, we’ve started running into each other. My feelings haven’t changed, but suddenly, he seems to be reciprocating. Believe me, I’m very surprised. I’d become quite accustomed to the unrequited love situation. This is where your wisdom comes in. Here is a recap of what’s happened in the last few weeks:

a. Every time we see each other on the street he gives me a huge hug (once accompanied by a sigh of some sort—not sure how else to describe it)

b. When he’s walking away he leans in and give me a kiss on the cheek (post hug goodbye)

c. The two times I’ve been at his bar having dinner with friends he has been as friendly as ever.

d. The last I saw him I was standing outside his work with a group of friends (we were trying to decide where to eat) and he came up to me, this time kissing me, briefly, on the lips as we hugged. He really only got half my lips but that’s because I turned my head out of utter confusion.

e. After dinner he said we should get a drink sometime, but he didn’t ask for my number and didn’t really specify when (though we did leave with the understanding that I would be in the neighborhood this Sunday for my class and would stop by while he was working.)

f. He then did the whole hug/half lip kiss thing again

So, the confusion is that with all this swirling around my head, he’s never asked for my number and I am not really sure on what level to take his affection. Assuming he’s broken up with his girlfriend (if he hasn’t, then this is all moot), what is my next move? Is he crushing back? Or am I reading more into the situation through my crush-colored glasses?

Crushing in Manhattan,
Emily

P.S. I forgot to mention that one of the things that makes this whole situation infuriating and off balance is that, since he hasn’t asked for my info, I’m the only one that can initiate contact. I’m excited by his seeming interest, but I feel uncomfortable now just showing up at his bar like a groupie.

Dear Emily,

Well, before I even get started, I’d like to address your PS by saying, “Uh…welcome to OUR world.” In that area of this interaction, you are now officially the dude. You have to decide when to make contact, how to make contact, and how not to appear, you know, crazy. Or annoying. Or over-eager. Or UNDER-eager. And you want to let him know that you like him without, like, letting him KNOW that you like him in case he doesn’t like you.

Yes, men are perpetually in the exact same situation we were in when we were twelve. Luckily, through the miracle of gender-norming, now so are YOU and lots of women (instead of being limited to their equally uncomfortable position of sitting around, hoping, wishing, waiting for him to call, wondering if he’s going to call, etc.)

Oh well. It’s not “equal pay for equal work” or anything, but it’s something. Congratulations!

MANSLATION: INSUFFICIENT DATA

There are a couple of possibilities here, right? Ok, we know he’s hot for you. (There’s no reason for a dude to be all feelyish and kissyfaced if he doesn’t want to get with you.) So, it’s either:

1. He’s always thought you were hot, and is now available (or available ENOUGH) to cash in on your crush and have sex with you.
2. He always liked you and now sees his chance to date you (plus all the stuff from number 1 — all that’s definitely true either way.)

At this stage, and given the information that I’ve got, there’s nothing major to distinguish the two. A total Player and a really nice guy might, in fact, do the exact things that you describe. I’m getting a mild player vibe, but there’s nothing conclusive. You’re going to have to do a little detective work. Here are, as I see it, your options:

THE NIKE OPTION: JUST DO HIM

Hey, if you just want to make out with this dude, I’d say you’re getting a clear green light. The greenest of lights. In fact, you’re getting the green light, the siren, the waving checkered flag, the rockets red glare and the exploding underpants in the night (what?) He wants to, is my point. The benefit of this plan is that within 2 days of making out with him, his contact (or lack thereof) will let you know if he wants to date you or not. It’s a risk, but it does involve everybody taking their pants off. So that’s nice.

THE HANG-AROUND-TIL-HE-MAKES-A-MOVE OPTION — (Not Recommended)

Ok, a lot of women would likely just stand around at his bar, flirt, and hope he gets the message and asks THEM out. Do this if you must, but I’d recommend against it. Sends exactly the message that you mention — you don’t want to be some groupie hanging around the stage door. And it will drive you nuts.

A lot of the women who refuse to deviate from this path like to refer to themselves as “old-fashioned.” That what they say, anyway. “I don’t want to ask him out. I’m old-fashioned.” At least that’s what I THINK they’re saying. (It’s hard to translate from “bawk bawk BAWK!”) Seriously, gimme a break.

THE “BEST POLICY” OPTION – HONESTY

Ok, I’d recommend what I like to call “resorting to the actual truth.” If you want to find out if he really likes you (as opposed to just wanting to do you) and you really can’t tell, I’d say you’re going to have to make SOME kind of a move here. And I think that very, very obvious can be really charming. I’m getting a very honest and funny sense from you, so I’d say you could start with something along the lines of, “So listen….errr…..unless you still have a girlfriend, I’m pretty much going to take another crack at this…” You know, flirty, and it gives him a chance to react, and you’ll see what he says/does.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE HE’S AT, GO ON A DATE (Not one at his apartment.)

Not that I have anything against you going to his apartment. Please, by all means, jump this man if you wanna.

I’m just saying that if you flirt with him and then you go to his apartment, you’ve learned nothing that we don’t already know (i.e. that this guy apparently wants to mush his face up against yours, etcetera.) Get him someplace where you can sit, talk, flirt, and see where he’s really at. If he seems like he’s just impatient to get you into bed, well, he is. And if he’s happy to just spend time with you, well, he is. (See how that works?) But don’t just show up at the end of his shift. This will just put you in the category of “women who want to go home with the bartender.” It’s a category of women that I’m sure he likes, but you don’t want to be in it.

Good luck, Emily. You’ve waited long enough (at LEAST!) I’d say, make a move, get him out of his home turf, and see how he behaves. At the very least, you’ll know what’s what.

Manslatees of the world (and beyond!) — how does Emily make her move?