manslations

Well, well, well, manslatees. We’ve arrived at yet another weekend, another chance to finally make things right, another fork in the road, another fork in the silverware drawer, another monkey in the wrench — another Manslations News Roundup! Initiate!

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24 YEAR OLD MAN LOSES 82 YEAR OLD WIFE. I LOSE 2 HOUR OLD LUNCH

This 24 year old man is mourning the loss of his 82 year old sweetheart. I don’t know what we can learn from this except that apparently there’s someone for everyone. And that someone is in no way guaranteed not to be disgusting.

Ladies, I wouldn’t get your hopes up that there’ll be a guy like this waiting until YOU turn 82 — this kid’s one in a million. You know, like Jeffrey Dahmer or that guy who played Captain Stubing. (Hey, say what you will about these guys, but they’re certainly unique.)

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GENE SWITCH ALTERS SEXUAL PREFERENCE IN WORMS, MORONS EVERYWHERE DARE TO HOPE

So…they did something weird and genetic to a worm, and it changed it’s sexual preference. Let’s put aside, for a moment, any questions about whether a worm has a lot of choices anyway. Look, you’re a worm. I figure you take it where you can get it. Everybody’s covered in dirt, everybody looks really weird yet indistinguishable from each other, nobody’s got any money…it’s like my morning ride on the NYC subway.

But in terms of application of this study, the scientist cautions anyone who thinks that this is going to unravel the mysteries of human sexuality. “A human’s brain is much more complex than a worm’s brain,” he said. Yeah, right. Says the man spending his days trying to teach worms to switch-hit.

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CHINESE CITY BANS SEDUCTIVE MARRIAGE ADS, FEARING THAT PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE MARRIAGE IS FUN

It’s now against the law to have phrases like “foxy lady” in Chinese marriage ads to “stamp out fraud.” Evidently “foxy” might have been too strong a word for some of these “ladies.” Or maybe you’d show up and she looked like Jimi Hendrix. Such a shame. You know, you think you can trust someone who is selling their services as a spouse.

They’re also not allowed to solicit marriages to foreigners. Ah well. There go Charlie Sheen’s vacation plans…

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HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL ARRESTED IN ALLEY WEARING LEATHER & FISHNETS…YOU KNOW, JUST OUT FOR A WALK

Finally a story for all you parents out there. It seems that Catholic high school principal who was arrested for prostitution when the cops found him in an alley in full drag and dressed so kinky they assumed he was a Republican senator. Ba-dum-bum! (I’d just have said “insert rimshot here” rather than saying “ba-dum-bum”, but that word sounded filthy in this context.)

Sources in the Vatican were quoted as saying, “A Catholic school principal did THAT? What does he think he is — a priest?”

Manslator’s Note: You have to click the link to the Smoking Gun to see this man’s photo. Not to be rude, but there’s not enough leather & fishnets in the world to fem this dude.

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Ladies, what can I tell you? My brain is empty, which must mean that it’s time for the weekend. See you Monday, with tons more reader requests, and (I hope) a big Manslations announcement…(How’s that for a cliff hanger!? Agatha Christie, eat your heart out.) See you then!