Reader Request: Sudden Turbulence in a Longer-term Situation?
Frequent commenter, Theatregal, wrote this in a comment a while back. It’s about what happens when the situation isn’t just a new relationship, but a little longer — say, over a year. Seemed like a good situation to explore. So I’ma essplore it, ok?
I’ve been reading a lot of these websites lately. Most refer to short term relationships. What about the ones where you’ve been invoved for a year or more and it is going so well , you finally believe you found a man who’s for real? Neither one of you are kids. 40′s at least. You talk a lot, you are both being truthful about what you want. You think this could be it. Everything is wonderful, including the sex and affection. Then, out of the blue, you feel that awful feeling of him distancing. Like he’s trying to get you break up with him. It’s a lot easier for him if he pulls away enough for you to say bye-bye., but you never can quite figure out where or when it ended for him. You can hang in there, but he just keeps pulling farther and farther away, until you rarely hear from him, unless you call. I won’t do that if he’s disappearing litle by little and no longer making much effort to be with me. Any words of wisdom on why this happens and how to deal with it with the least amount of humiliation? Usually, you find out later they’ve been with more than just you.
Dear Theatregal,
Yeah, there are definitely a couple of these “transition zones.” What I mean is, you know how for a lot of people, a birthday is a moment to say, “Ok, what the hell am I doing with my life? How’m I doing? How badly am I screwing this whole ‘life’ thing up, anyway?” Well, in my experience there are some of these in relationships as well — for men and women. Arbitrary benchmark moments that lend themselves to a sudden, oftentimes completely out of the blue reassessment of the situation. The one’s I’ve noticed specifically, off the top of my head, happen at:
- 3 months: This is the “So…are we really, like, DATING-dating?” gate.
- 1 year: The one you mention. “Wow. How serious am I about this? Like…are we ‘until I’m dead‘ serious, or what?”
- Just under 4 years: “We’ve been together as long as I was in college. So…if we’re not married now, uh, why aren’t we married now?”
- 8 and a half years: Ok, this one’s just for me. This was, “Wow…we really AREN’T going to get married, are we? Hm. Wonder if that’s a sign…”
These are totally arbitrary, of course — but to our subconscious they feel like some milestone where you have to take stock of what’s going on. So, my guess would be that the kind of guy you’re talking about was experiencing the one year speed bump. All of these are commitment checks. As in, they are all some version of, “So, is this really worth giving up every other possibility of anything else until I’m a dead person?” And it sounds like when he hit the one year mark, he decided that he didn’t think so.
SO, WHY THE SLOW, DOUCHEY FADE?
Well, the reason why the guy doesn’t just rip off the bandaid all at once is pretty simple. Fear. Most men I know have a really hard time initiating a breakup for fear of being the bad guy. And as a result, yes, you sometimes see this behavior where he’ll become intolerable. He’s basically hoping to get to a place where breaking up will be less of an undesirable situation for you. Or, even better for him, YOU will do the breaking up. It’s a chickenshit move, and I wish I could tell you that it was uncommon, but I think plenty of readers on this site have experienced the same thing.
Another thing is, oftentimes a man, as he is pulling back, is as mystified by it as you are. It doesn’t start consciously. He’s just suddenly feeling weird about the whole thing. He’s trying NOT to react to it because, well, he doesn’t even know what’s going on. Truly, it’s as if the CEO of our emotion center is a dog. When a dog gets freaked out and doesn’t want to be somewhere, we can’t just talk him into it even when we try. (Though I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone dragging their dog somewhere saying something like, “Wiggles, we discussed this THREE DAYS AGO!”)
OK, HOW TO LIMIT THE HUMILIATION FACTOR
It’s tough to keep the humiliation factor at zero because, well, it is a “breakup” and all. Obviously, most of those are pretty humiliating, no matter what. I mean…not MY breakups, of course. I always handle them with aplomb. Sure, you can’t tell because I’m in the fetal position under the bed. But there’s a ton of aplomb going on down there, let me tell you.
Here are a couple of non-humiliation tips to think about if/when you feel a guy pulling back:
- DON’T CHASE HIM: This is impossible to avoid completely, of course. Anytime I’ve felt a woman withdrawing from ME, I have definitely been very guilty of the “hanging on by my last fingernail” method of relating. But the quicker you can let it go and let it be what it IS instead of what you’re going to strangle it INTO being, the quicker you’ll actually KNOW what it is.
- THE RIGHT PERSON DOESN’T WITHHOLD HIS AFFECTION: That’s your big clue right there. That’s how you know that it’s time for a big reality check. Which brings me to…
- HONESTY, WHILE PAINFUL, IS YOUR BEST FRIEND HERE: If you can be very, very honest — especially with yourself — during this, I won’t promise it’s going to be less painful. But pain isn’t the problem. Or, rather, pain is a given. It’s a breakup, ergo pain. What it WILL do, however, is let you walk away thinking, “Well, at least I didn’t totally BS myself.”
- BE WILLING TO LOSE IT ALL: This one’s tough, but it goes along with the honesty. If you’re willing to truly throw up your hands and say, “Hey, if he’s out, he’s out,” you’ll be able to get out when it’s time to go. You won’t be coloring your interpretation of his behavior with all the, “Well, maybe it means XYZ. Maybe he really IS busy at work right now, etc.” After a while that stuff will drive you nuts.
- CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK WHEN YOU SCREW ALL OF THAT UP: Give yourself a break with these situations. I know it’s infuriating to know that you indulged a crappy situation for FAR longer than it deserved (oh believe me, I know it well…) but what can you do about it?
Unfortunately you’re not going to change how HE behaves in these situations. That’s always, always going to be up to him. So if you’re going to have a self-respecting/low humiliation breakup (or relationship, for that matter) I’d say just focus on what you can change — how you roll with it.
What say ye, ladies of Manslations? Anybody been with a guy who hit one of these speed bumps? How did you minimize the humiliation factor?
Posted: November 5th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Loiralei
Time November 5, 2007 at 10:54 am
What about the guys that withdraw and pull back like they are on their way out (yo-yo). Then when you verbalize what’s going on TO them and basically say, “it was nice knowing you, bye and good luck etc”… And you SAY this because you are tired of being on a roller coaster ride trying to figure them out. They THEN jump right back in real quick and try to get all affectionate and hang on to you again only to have the cycle repeat. I hate it when they do that. Why do they do that? Is it because they are not sure that they want to “lose” you yet or because whoever they are seeing on the side isn’t working out and they want a “spare”? Men can be as confusing at times as THEY say women are!.. Course that’s why we need and love you Jeff to splain it all to us!
Comment from Sassy
Time November 5, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Oh Jeff. If I could tatto this on my forearm, I would. It’s the perfect answer for me at this time in my life when I’m picking a recent break-up like a scab on my knee. The not chasing, the honesty, the giving yourself a break. All helpful, all so true. Thank you for your wisdom.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 5, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Shelby: Yeah, up to 3 months, we’re not always sure WHAT we’re doing.
Lorialei: Sounds a little bit like a chaser — a guy who mostly just likes that YOU like HIM. So when you pull back, he doesn’t like that at all, and he comes after you. Gotta be annoying. Sorry about them.
Sassy: Now that you mention it, I should add to the list, ” Don’t get forearm tattoos when you’re in the midst of a breakup, even if they’re super-wise.”
Comment from LA Lady
Time November 5, 2007 at 9:18 pm
Hey Jeff, there is nothing random about eight and a half years. That was the point that my long term relationship started its demise (it took almost a year before we broke up completely). I think 8.5 years is a key point in the relationship because a decade is staring you down, and if you aren’t in the midst of wedding plans, WHY NOT????
In my case it was because deep down in my sub-concious I knew that he was not the right guy, that married life with him would be abusive and miserable and that I needed to find a way out. It took a while, but I finally got out and I thank my lucky stars that I did! I don’t know what happened to him, we lost touch (a very good thing!).
So there is nothing random about 8.5 years if you ask me!
Comment from Mimsie
Time November 6, 2007 at 1:31 am
Swami Jeffamana?
Thank you… for stating why men don’t initiate the break up… Seriously? My sister in law went through it at the hands of my brother and it was horrible to see. It was cruel, stupid, infantile, pathetic, COWARDLY and — thank you for using the exact words I did — chickenshit.
An otherwise brilliant guy with a top notch education, my brother was too lame to shit or get off the pot and look his wife and HIS LIFE in the eyes and take stock of where he was and make things right by all.
NooooooOOOOOOoooooo… He just pretty much drove her away ’til she left. Yay. Go girl…
Stuff like that makes me want to take my love life out back and shoot it.
Why should I not? I ask…
-M
Comment from Theatregal
Time November 6, 2007 at 6:47 am
We grew up together. We lived a couple of houses apart. Went to elementary school, Junior High, High School, and 2 years of college together. Always good friends with incredible chemistry that we never dealt with. We were always just friends. He moved away. I got married. Had 2 kids. Both grown and gone , as is the husband from hell. We were together for 25 years. I did the internet thing. So, did every friend I have/had. Within a few months they were all married again. This was 2001. I thought, “Has the world gone mad? Any day now these relationships will be over. ” There have been about 10-14 of them and it’s 2007 and they’re all still together. Maybe I’m the one who’s mad.
I reconnected with the guy I grew up with. We got together in 2003. For almost 2 years it was amazing…….then the slow distancing. It is a long distance relationship, but it went from e-mails, IMs, and phone calls every day, plus at least 1 or2 3-4 day rendezvous every month. He even told my friends he was working things out to move here. He also, told his family all about me ( of course they knew me from 30 years ago). I know now he’s been seeing at least 2 or 4, maybe more women besides me for at least the last 2 years . That was when I received a text message obviously meant for someone else. The last time I saw him was my birthday weekend in Feb 2007. When he’s with you….he’s with you. He was still talking about the future. ( maybe he’s thinking when we’re 60 or 70. He’s almost 51 and I’m 50.) He was still calling me and e-mailing me often. Then 5 months past. We had never officially “broken up”, but I figured it was over. Then he calls me a few weeks ago 2 or 3 times and left messages. I didn’t answer or call back. He called again, all freaked out. Where was I? Was I okay? I needed to call him right now or he was going to start calling people looking for me. I waited a day. Then I called and asked what his problem was. I hadn’t heard from him in 5 months. I’ve called him before and he never called me back and we were supposedly together then. He said I was right and that he just wasn’t used to my behaving differently than I always had. I told him to get used to it. He obviously didn’t know what he wanted, except every woman he’s been with just sitting around, waiting in the wings. I wasn’t going to do that. He said he was in therapy because of this inability to commit or let go. I wished him luck. He still e-mails me periodically. I think he thinks of us as “friends” now. I’ll never get it.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 6, 2007 at 7:02 am
LA Lady: Good to know that I’m not the only one. 8.5 — who knew?
Mimsie: I’d say to go ahead with your plan to take your dating life out back and put ‘er down, but nobody ever ends up DOING it. Well…except Catholic priests, and we’ve all seen where that goes.
Theatregal: Oh, this friggin’ guy. For what it’s worth, his “inability to commit or let go” is not his problem. Or not his MAIN problem. His problem was illustrated perfectly in your comment — he’s addicted to female attention. He can’t stand the idea of ANY woman pulling away from him (which is why he freaked when you didn’t call.) So he pursues ten at a time, and won’t let any of them stop loving him. It’s sad. I’m glad you were able to cut him loose.
Comment from Theatregal
Time November 10, 2007 at 3:17 am
Hey, I think I failed to mention the can’t keep ‘em, can’t let ‘em go boyfriend, has been married 3 times. He has 2 grown kids from the 2nd wife. Dated me and who knows how many other during the 3rd wife. I was at the very end of the divorce of the 3rd wife. This time though, even though he had a few of us waiting in the wings, he didn’t immediately marry again. He and the 3rd split Jan. 2005. Like I said before, his ex bailed sooner than planned, making it very difficult to make good on his promises to anyone. Although, she is still a member of the stable. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in almost a year, but he does still e-mail every so often. Since I told him I couldn’t just be friends, I guess I let him off the hook. I can be a vindictive, vengeful bitch, so I really wish he was sufferring at least a little. Doesn’t look like it.
I think I mentioned my ex husband’s girlfriend (the one he picked up off my lawn 3 months after we separated in 2001 and died in Dec. 2006. ) Now he calls me every week wanting me back, but has had 2 girlfriends since then and actually asked his girlfriend’s friend out at his girlfriend’s funeral. Desperate? Sick? Both? Oy Vay!
So, no matter how it may sound in some of my posts, I am alone. I won’t settle. I’m a Personal Chef for money. An actress, singer for fun. Waiting. Hoping. Someday, I’ll find somebody or he’ll find me. Plus. Somehow I ended up with 2 fabulous sons. Sounds good to me!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 10, 2007 at 2:43 pm
TG: Asked the gf’s friend out at her funeral? Sounds like Will Ferrell’s character in “Wedding Crashers.” My oh my.
Comment from Theatregal
Time November 13, 2007 at 4:24 am
Two weeks after we separated, my best friend came by my house to drop off a platter. The ex was there. He asked her out. She called me on my cell, completely freaked. After that, when I heard he asked his girlfriend’s friend out at her funeral…..well, this man will never surprise me. We’re 49 now. We were almost 20 when we met. I just pray my boys take after me. They’re 21 and 24.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 13, 2007 at 7:28 am
Theatregal: Yeah, I think he’s moved beyond surprise with that one. Good for you for ending up raising the 2 awesome kids, though!
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Time May 9, 2008 at 6:40 am
[...] I wrote in this post back in November, there do seem to be certain pretty specific moments when a relationship seems to [...]
Comment from SG
Time September 21, 2010 at 2:30 pm
Hey Jeff, I know you don’t keep this blog anymore but I hope you read this one day. This post has cleared up something I’ve wanted to know for over nine years now. Thank you so much for translating something that has always bothered me. I wish you the best! 
Comment from Shelby
Time November 5, 2007 at 9:21 am
Jeff as usual, has hit this dead on! My current boyfriend told me recently that at 3 months, he “really knew that we were DATING.” Apparently, the majority of his relationships lasted between 2 and 3 months. I said, “Say, I thought we were DATING from word go!?” But HE had the mental 3 month milestone. When he brought up a trip to Las Vegas recently, he said, “Hey! We not only have birthdays coming up but also an anniversary! It’s been almost a year! I can’t believe it! Has it been this long? Wow!” Ergo, the one year mental milestone… Honestly, I had NO IDEA!!