manslations

Comment from Shelby
Time November 7, 2007 at 11:36 am

I used to hold off on sex. I got three marriage proposals that way but they were from certified fruitbaskets… Jeff has hit the nail on this one, as usual! I had known my boyfriend for 21 years (only dated in middle school which of course is NOT the REAL world) before we had our first, real live grown-up date. And guess what we did? We did THE DO!!! And we’ve been dating 8+ months now and two days ago he hit me with the fact that he’s moving to my town (he lives 2+ hours away) to be closer to me! Goodygoody! See, I used to worry like hell that I’d slept with him too soon and that he’d never, ever in a million years take me seriously after that. When we were first together we did exactly as we both FELT, just as Jeff described. So as usual Jeff, you ARE The Man!

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 7, 2007 at 3:47 pm

Shelby: What’s the certification process like on fruitbaskets these days, anyway? (Congrats on the man making the move, by the way! Woohoo!!)

Comment from beta mom
Time November 7, 2007 at 6:01 pm

Have sex. Have lots and lots and lots of sex. Because some day you’ll find the one with whom the sex is best and the conversation is stimulating and you will get married. Then you will have less and less sex. It’s not because you won’t want to have sex, it just happens. Marriage is the Bermuda Triangle of sex.
And you will miss it.
Don’t wait. Have sex.

Comment from Loiralei
Time November 7, 2007 at 6:23 pm

Oh my God! Beta Mom - that sounds mysteriously and crazily along with Jeff’s as the BEST advice. Why do I feel morally naughty with saying that!?

Comment from Theatregal
Time November 8, 2007 at 2:35 am

I think I must reallly live on a different planet when I read these ridiculous books and articles about how long to wait and all of that “chase” crap. For me chemistry is KEY. No chemistry, we’re just friends. I only want a relationship where we both want to tear each other’s clothes off, when we’re together. Doesn’t mean we’ll do it at a PTA meeting, but we want to. (who knows? Maybe I might do it at a PTA meeting, as long as we could be discreet) I’m usually not that attracted to most of the men I come in contact with, but when I do, I do what I want and he wants. It’s gotta be mutual, otherwise forget it. Who wants to feel as if someone feels as if he’s doing you a big favor? When you get together is inconsequentual. Who cares? If a man makes some kind of arbitrary decision about who I am based on when we do it, why would I want him anyway. If I have to play stupid games in order to keep a man coming back, then it is immature and really a waste of my time. When there’s mutual, “I really want to jump you karma”, I say go for it. So, it doesn’t work out? I really doubt it was because you f—– him on the first date. It would have probably fallen apart down the road anyway.
As far as what Beta Mom says….I was with the same man for 25 years, married for 20. We did have a “lack of sex” problem, but it had NOTHING to do with being married or getting divorced. Sometimes people have way different needs, sex drives, etc. or other things that get in the way over the course of 25 years.. I am a 5-7 times or more a day girl who married a 0nce or a month’ll do him guy. We were young when we got together. WE didn’t know any better at 20. I do now. If it’s mutual….go for it. Don’t play games to get someone. You either end up together and in love or you don’t. Be yourself.

Comment from beta mom
Time November 8, 2007 at 7:18 am

Theatregal - Everyone’s different - agreed! All I know is that it’s a slippery slope from “Let’s do it now! now! now!” to “If you roll over me to get the remote, does that count?”

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 8, 2007 at 7:27 am

beta mom: Don’t give up on the Bermuda Triangle, Mulder. The nooky is out there. I mean…isn’t it? See, now I’m scared…

Loiralei: Sorry, no moral naughtiness allowed here.

Theatregal: 5-7 times a DAY? Woman, you’re going to need a harem to keep up that pace! (And you have my blessing to go recruit one.)

Comment from Susan
Time November 8, 2007 at 1:19 pm

Beta Mom’s right although I think it is the children factor that throws the ol’ sex drive into the Marriage-Bermuda Triangle. Mothers get tired. Real tired, and focus shifts just because, so it takes a much more concerted effort.

5-7 times a day? I like sex, I really, really do, but that just makes me walk funny thinking about it…

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 9, 2007 at 7:33 am

Susan: Yeah, I was wondering about how the kid(s) factor in there. I’m guessing it would be pretty difficult to get super turned on when you’ve spent the day looking for mittens.

Comment from Cheese
Time November 9, 2007 at 10:30 am

I had sweet, tender sex relations (oh who the hell am I kidding, we banged, and banged a lot) with my boyfriend on our very first date. 2 years later, we’re still banging, and it’s great.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 9, 2007 at 3:45 pm

Cheese: See, there we go. Early-humping gone right! Yeah, I think that early sex can certainly get you out of a crappy pre-relationship. But I’ve never had it screw up a good one.

Comment from Theatregal
Time November 9, 2007 at 10:52 pm

My kids are grown. Trust me ….the WANT kicks in around 40….at least for me. BUT only with certain men. As I’ve said before, I am not attracted to very many men. Most of the women I’ve known since H.S. change mates like I change underwear. I was with one man for 25 years…..completely, absolutely. The sex sucked. I’ve been with one man since then that turned me on in the 5-7 times a day type relationship. That was 2 years after my divorce and lasted 2 years. I’ve been going solo since then because I won’t be with just anyone. It’s the person, not the amount of sex……except if you are so not in sinc, neither one of you is happy. Once a day will do me. My ex husband was a once a month will do him. My ex husband has been with someone within around 3 months of his each break up since 2001. He can’t understand why I’m alone. He picked the first available person off my lawn 3 months after we separated. She followed her ex boyfriend to my house on a Sunday morning because “She couldn’t live without him.” She was crying and telling me how much she loved him. He rented my garage and was on his way to pick up his new girlfriend. My ex didn’t know her until then. My ex husband showed up to see the kids. I looked out the window and he spoke to her for 5 minutes. Next thing I know, she’s on the back of his motorcycle and they were together for over 6 years, until she died. She was 6 years older than him, but looked about 20 years older.
The 5-7 times a day thing does wear off as time goes by, but knowing I had that and how great it was makes me feel very lucky. Everyone’s different. The trick is to find the one for you. It’s been a long time, but I won’t settle. It’s gross to be with just anyone, especially if there is no chemistry. It seems to work somewhat for my ex. To each his own. If you think I’m weird, so be it. Oh and Jeff….most of my friends who slept with a guy they were crazy about on the first date are still together. Most between 2-10 years. But again….we’re all over 40.

Comment from Theatregal
Time November 9, 2007 at 10:58 pm

My kids are grown. Trust me ….the WANT kicks in around 40….at least for me. BUT only with certain men. As I’ve said before, I am not attracted to very many men. Most of the women I’ve known since H.S. change mates like I change underwear. I was with one man for 25 years…..completely, absolutely. The sex sucked. I’ve been with one man since then that turned me on in the 5-7 times a day type relationship. That was 2 1/2 years after my divorce and lasted 2 years. I’ve been going solo since then because I won’t be with just anyone. It’s the person, not the amount of sex……except if you are so not in sinc, neither one of you is happy. Once a day will do me. My ex husband was a once a month will do him. My ex husband has been with someone within around 3 months of each of his break ups since 2001. He can’t understand why I’m alone. He picked the first available person off my lawn 3 months after we separated. She followed her ex boyfriend to my house on a Sunday morning because “She couldn’t live without him.” She was crying and telling me how much she loved him. He rented my garage and was on his way to pick up his new girlfriend. My ex didn’t know her until then. My ex husband showed up to see the kids. I looked out the window and he spoke to her for 5 minutes. Next thing I know, she’s on the back of his motorcycle and they were together for over 6 years, until she died. She was 6 years older than him, but looked about 20 years older.
The 5-7 times a day thing does wear off as time goes by, but knowing I had that and how great it was makes me feel very lucky. Everyone’s different. The trick is to find the one for you. It’s been a long time, but I won’t settle. It’s gross to be with just anyone, especially if there is no chemistry. It seems to work somewhat for my ex. To each his own. If you think I’m weird, so be it. Oh and Jeff….most of my friends who slept with a guy they were crazy about on the first date are still together. Most between 2-10 years. But again….we’re all over 40.

Comment from Ronnie
Time November 10, 2007 at 12:14 pm

It’s not about what the man thinks. It’s about what a woman thinks the sex means. If you think it’s just sex and want to do it - great! But if you think it means the guy really likes you and this is the start of a beautiful relationship - then you should definitely wait.

The waiting is about seeing if the guy is truly interested. That’s because some women feel hurt if they have sex and nothing more happens. The waiting isn’t about what the guy thinks if you have sex. It’s to see if he is truly interested in you , pursues you , and what he does to try to win you over. This is the definition of the chase which by the way is DEFINITELY STILL ON.

How do I know this? Because Rutgers Univeristy did a study called The Marriage Project just a few years ago. In it, they interviewed guys 18-22 . They asked guys what they thought about women asking men out. The guys said they love it! Why? Because they thought they’d get lucky easier. No work impresssing a woman when she asks you out.

But guess what happened. Guys who thought they were on easy sex street, actually had less sex because they did nothing (pardon this antiquated expression) to “woo” the women.

And, at the end of the study, they admitted that ultimately, they still preferred to ask the girls out because they rather have it be their idea.

Much of dating (not all) has not changed. The chase does still exist. Absolutely. It may look a bit different but it has not left the dating matrix. But waiting to have sex is about a woman guarding her heart if she is the type to feel hurt the next day when her partner doesn’t call - or never calls again.

That’s why Jeff’s advice works - because if it’s just sex for fun and you want to do it - go ahead. It may turn into a relationship or not - that’s true. But holding off isn’t a tactic that will make a man fall in love with you - I agree.

Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 10, 2007 at 2:41 pm

TG: I agree with the thing about not being with just anyone. Lots of dudes would disagree with me, but I’m with you — it just feels lousy unless it’s the right specific person. Unless, you know, she’s super hot. ha ha.

Ronnie: Interesting study. Thanks for the info!

Comment from Esoterica
Time November 12, 2007 at 3:45 pm

What a great subject! I agree, when it’s right it’s right. People who go with their gut are always happier.
I have heard to many nightmare stories about waiting and then BOOM, all that time wasted. Then they don’t give enough time for the adjusting in the relationship. After all, if we spend a year getting to know one another before sex it will obviously feel a bit different after it is consummated.
Our bodies were designed for pleasure.

One thing I MUST say, I am tired of the mentality that sex stops with marriage. What a bunch of BS. If sex stopped with the marriage possibly, there are people out there with the wrong idea of what marriage is about. The ultimate partner and relationship with no holds barred? Now that’s what I’m talking about!
With honest communication, respect and trust anything is possible.
Maybe have a lawyer on call when you get caught doing it in the back seat of your car on your 25th wedding anniversary?
Do you know what your partner’s fantasies are? Are you prepared to not judge when you get the answer?

Just a few things to think about

Comment from Theatregal
Time November 12, 2007 at 6:38 pm

Ronnie: The thing that caught my eye first was “they interviewed guys 18-22 “. I remember what guys were and are like at 18-22. I have two of my own…21 and 24. I now rent their rooms to two college gentlemen almost 21 and 23. I’ve read lot’s of studies about men and women and how we don’t get it together,use our common sense , and our brains aren’t completely working in a way where we make too many intelligent decisions until after 25. They’re actually not fully developed between 18-22. Plus, I don’t know about you, but I’ve gone through a lot of growth and change between 22-49. Whether the guy calls you again or not doesn’t usually depend on whether or not you did the nasty. He’ll call you or he won’t. I’m definitely not a casual sex person. Once is about it, if I really like the guy, before I start getting invested. That’s something I learned about myself, when I started dating after my 25 years with my ex ended. So, I don’t go there on a regular basis because I will probably get invested if the F-buddy thing goes on too long without moving forward. If I do do it on the first date and he doesn’t call me again, he’s doing me a favor.

Susan: As I think I mentioned before, kids DEFINITELY make a difference in one’s sex drive when they’re young and you never have 2 seconds to yourself. You’re CONSTANTLY being touched, and you never sleep. When they get older, this gets easier and you get friskier ( at least I did). I was a stay at home Mom for 20 years, plus I raised about 20 or more other kids over the years runnning an in home Childcare to make an income so I could stay home. I wasn’t ever much of a career woman. I’ve always worked for myself. Personal Chef and Catering since my divorce in 2001.

Cheese and Esoterica: I’m with you. It CAN last. My two favorite examples are from two of my friends’ parents. One couple has been married 54 years. I remember a couple of years ago, I swung by their house because my friend was in town. It was 2 0′clock in the afternoon. I asked her where Mom and Dad were. She rolled her eyes and said, “Remember in college when we’d pop in here to study. Remember where they were and what they were doing then? It’s still that way.” One cool thing her Mom told us when we were early marrieds after I asked her how they made it work so long. ( They were married at 18). My family was a divorce minefield from WAY back. She said that they’d learned from experience, that there would be times when they would hate each other’s guts, sometimes for months….but they always knew if they hung in there and kept the communication lines open, it passed. Didn’t work for me, but it has for all 3 of their kids. My other friend’s parents were married for 52 years until his Mom died from breast cancer a few years ago. To this Day his Dad says she was and will always be the love of his life. They had 4 kids. Right up until the end they always were hugging, kissing, holding hands, disappearing at social gatherings. I thought they were adorable. My friend, a guy, told me his parents were always like that. My friend always wanted a marriage like his parents. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. His wife wanted to run her beauty salon and let him have the kids. It takes both people to want the relationship and to want it in close to the same way. One person can’t make it work all by themselves..

Comment from Susan
Time November 12, 2007 at 7:37 pm

Theatregal and co., first let me say my comment above does not mean I think anyone or the # of times they do/don’t “do it” makes anyone weird. I agree that you should do what’s right for you as a couple - whether it be on the first date or 35 years later. As for the children thing, well, I learned that I was more than happy to have sex with my husband when I didn’t feel I was shouldering all other responsibilities alone - it’s pretty lonely, to be honest, while you’re IN a relationship and still feel like you’re the only one there. You know — working full time, running the mundane errands, taking care of 2 little ones while your hubby is out enjoying his hobbies — it’s not good for the libido. In fact, it makes you downright resentful when he comes home, happy as pie, wanting to get it on.

All theoretical of course
Esoterica, I do think marriage and sex can and should go together — that’s the kind of relationship I’m hoping for, believe me. But even in the best ones, young children take your attention and energy (thanks for backing me up TG). I’m not sure if you have kids or not, but I don’t think you’ll find too many parents who would disagree on that point. Having kids is a wonderful experience, but it puts stress on all relationships. How good they are through it is the question. my kids are 6 and 8 now, so hopefully by the time I see some action again I won’t be quite so tired

Comment from Glenda
Time November 13, 2007 at 2:25 am

When you’re both ready - Only Then. Whether it’s a day, a month or a year after you’ve met. There is nothing more thrilling, exciting and satisfying than sleeping with the person who just does it for you…I’m talking CHEMISTRY here…you feel it….and YOU’LL KNOW IT. The relationship might last, it may not, but if one feels it was right for you AT THE TIME, I believe it was the right thing to do at the RIGHT time.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 13, 2007 at 7:33 am

Esoterica: Picked up by the cops on the 25th anniversary!? Fantastic! A goal for us all! (And welcome!)

TheatreGal: Yeah, the guys “18-22″ kind of jumped out at me as well. Guys that age have one sexual thought per day, and it lasts from the moment they wake up in the morning until the moment they wake up the NEXT morning.

Susan: “Happy as pie”? I like it. I also like, “Comfy as a clam.”

Glenda: Agreed — there’s nothing better than when your first time is because you just can’t help it. (Welcome to you, too!)

Comment from Cathy Hunt
Time November 16, 2007 at 8:25 am

I think it’s no harm to wait until you know the guy really likes you. It probably all boils down to your expectation. If you just want a hookup, what’s the harm. But if you’re looking for a relationship/marriage, I really do think you could send out the wrong signal to sleep with a guy on the first date. Some related concepts: Delayed gratification, self respect, not treating yourself as a commodity. I don’t advocate manipulation. But just a little thought to see if you really have something going before you jump into a physical relationship and end up with very high numbers notched up on the bedpost but very little in the way of love. That is not serving a persons best interests.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 16, 2007 at 10:35 am

Cathy Hunt: I think you make a good point about waiting until you know he likes you. Because even if he doesn’t like you, you know, he’ll still DO you. So I totally hear you, if you want to hold out until you know what’s going on.

Thanks for commenting!

Comment from Theatregal
Time November 19, 2007 at 8:02 pm

Cathy,
I say what ever works for you, girl, do it. We’re all different.
My opinion is If a guy is going to dump you because you called him or had wild sex with him “to soon” ( when’s too soon? Does anyone really know?), chances are you wouldn’t have heard from him again anyway. As far as the Player/jugglers go…..you have to figure out which one you have. The player slips away pretty quickly. The juggler juggles as many women as possible for as long as possible .He can’t stand the thought that we don’t all love him. ( Jeff pointed this one out to me. Thanks Jeff.) For a while he can keep most of us thinking we’re the only one. Eventually, the stable becomes too full to even call you once a week and slowly some fall by the wayside, thinking he’s cheating with another girl ( as in ONE OTHER GIRL). He may cut back for a while, but pretty soon he meets someone or 3 or 5 and the process continues. As far as waiting to see if a guy “likes ” you or not before you do him, I’m not sure I agree. I would think one pretty much knows if a guy likes her or not and vice versa by the time you’re out on a date. I have a lot of guy friends. Strictly platonic. Always have since I was in elementary school. We talk about all kinds of things. In fact, I’ve always been the one getting the calls to put on the white coat and give THEM relationship advice. Of course we’re older now ( by at least 30 years), but the consensus seems to be having sex on the 1st date or the 21st doesn’t make a smidgen of difference on whether or not it’s going to turn into a relationship/marriage or not. Most women are more emotionally invested in sex than most guys. My men friends tell me they can do just about anyone. Not so with most women. Personally, I’d rather know up front ( pardon the pun) whether the guy “does it” for me before I’m too emotionally involved. I learned after 25 years with my ex and started dating, that I’m just not a casual sex kinda gal. One time, maybe, after that, I get invested. That’s just my 2 cents and 99.9% of the men I know, including my brother. My favorite books along these lines are, “Intimate Communion”, by David Deida, and “Enchanted Love”, by Marianne Williamson. From a scientific point of view, “Why We Love”, by Helen Fisher.
Happy Holidays and Happy Hunting to those of us that are.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 20, 2007 at 7:25 am

Theatregal: Thanks so much for the comment and the book recommendations. And Happy Hunting, yourself!

Comment from Theatregal
Time November 21, 2007 at 10:03 am

Susan,
I don’t know why, but your comment about my comment of being a 5-7 times a day girl making you think about walking funny was just what I needed this morning. You crack me up. Oct-Feb USED to be my favorite time of the year. With no husband ( even an awful one ), no dates, friends too busy with their husbands, boyfriends, dates, kids, jobs, crazy Room Mothers….. and my boys grown and gone…..I seriously wouldn’t mind walking funny for a while…plus it goes away. Duh! : ) Thanks!

Comment from Susan
Time November 21, 2007 at 11:40 am

Hey, Theatregal, I’m not afraid to say I wouldn’t mind walking funny. This perfectly perky gait is getting old REAL fast.

Excuse us, Jeff, for conversing without you. Carry on.

Comment from Theatregal
Time November 21, 2007 at 9:27 pm

Susan,
I hear ya, girlfriend! You really did cheer me up today. Thanks!!

Comment from Justin
Time November 25, 2007 at 12:44 am

I think the 3rd date. Part of sex is “making love” I mean some people want to wait like 6 months to a year. why??? I”d almost feel insaulted that she didn’t want to do it with me and held it off that long. If a relationship has lasted at least a month, then it tells you something, just go for it. Did you people not just hear about that guy who married a tranny? She wanted to wait till marriage to have sex, so long story short they get married on their honeymoon they go to have sex and she has a DICK! If you love each other just do it. I mean after a month if you don’t love each other, then it’s not ment to be, end the relationship and be friends. That’s my opion

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 25, 2007 at 7:57 pm

TG and Susan: Hey, if you two want to talk about “walking funny” when I’m not around, that’s your business, and I’ll never stop you!

Justin: Yes, discovering the wrong bits and pieces down there is an EXCELLENT argument for getting to the sex.

Comment from Theatregal
Time November 26, 2007 at 11:37 pm

Jeff,
You’re funny. You mean to tell me that no woman has ever had that conversation with you? Usually, it’s the guy I do have that conversation with, not my girlfriends. AND it’s usually the guys who bring it up. Must make them feel like a stud.

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 27, 2007 at 7:34 am

Theatregal: I have no comment at this time…hee hee.

Comment from PeachesnBeaches
Time December 2, 2007 at 5:10 pm

Just wanted to post my sincerest appreciation to everyone who participated in this blog. I’m separated at age 31, after 12 years of marriage. Ironically enough, my horney switch flipped on this year!! Lol. After pursuing sexual interests with three different men since April, I was starting to wonder if my sexual appetite was unhealthy. I was worried about where I was going, and how far off of “normal” I was. And if I start enjoying this single life, what does that do for my reputation and the likelihood of finding another Mr. Right?

You have all left insightful messages that have spurred a new thought pattern for me. From now on, I will make decisions of sex and relationships based on my needs instead of propriety. I will listen to my mind/body/soul and make the best decisions for myself based on what it tells me.

Thanks again to all!

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 3, 2007 at 9:12 am

PeachesnBeaches: Thanks so much for stopping by! (And I’m glad you’re tossing propriety into the dumper. Who needs it?)

Comment from Teresa
Time February 17, 2008 at 5:44 am

I think unless you want a lot of one night stands you should definitely not even think about when you “should” or “shouldn’t” have sex. Everyone is different, stick two people together and the combination can never be duplicated, so don’t try to figure it out because you can’t, just go with it and see what happens… and who cares what anyone else thinks about it???!!!

Pingback from What if She Sleeps With Him After She First Said “No”? « Manslations
Time February 27, 2008 at 6:37 am

[...] 27, 2008 We’ve got a twist on the “how soon are we allowed to do it?” conundrum. What happens if you actually tell him that you don’t want to rush things [...]

Comment from jane
Time May 19, 2008 at 5:19 pm

This is the best article that I have seen regarding this very exhausted question. I think it’s right on point. People think way too much about what the guy is going to think of them…and if you are thinking of that then maybe you aren’t ready to sleep with the person. When you are comfortable then it should just naturally happen without too much worry and confusion. And if a guy thinks you are “easy” afterward…like Jeff said..who would want to be with such a judgemental person anyway? Just think of all the ways this character trait could play out in a committed relationship and be glad you weren’t too emotionally invested with them to begin with!

Comment from Jeff Mac
Time May 20, 2008 at 7:55 am

Jane: Excellent point — if you’re really concerned about someone thinking this, that’s probably your brain telling you it’s not right in the first place. Thanks for commenting!

Comment from Bella
Time May 25, 2008 at 10:29 am

1) It depends on you, how you judge yourself. If you will feel used if he does not call you after, or bad to accumulate notches on the bedpost which led to nothing, wait.

Especially since my divorce I have dated a great deal. No man who ever was “really into me” left because I said not yet ( and when I said it I often wanted it too, but I needed to know if there was something more there than raw sexual attraction). I find sex fulfilling when I am connected, and no longer too shy to talk about my sexual needs or hear about theirs and that takes a different amount of time depending on the person, how open they are, chemistry, etc. Because I got to know them a bit there were many, while into me, I found I was not into for various reasons (one I discovered had a percocet addiction, another drank excessively, one had an awful scream at the checkout girl temper…) and I had not wasted my body, risked attachment to an unhealthy person (for many women sex attaches them emotionally more than for men), or risked exposure to them. But that’s me. If you don’t have a problem with the notches, can stay emotionally detached while physically connectedand still getting to know someone, and are not worried about catching the STD’s condoms don’t protect against (there are several) go for it if it feels right.

2) No man’s decision about whether or not they like you will be in any way affected deliteriously by the fact that you slept with them unless the sex is bad.

If they like you they like you. If the sex is good that’s a “wow that too!” bonus. If you don’t hear from them they were either just looking to get laid (and not into you in the first place) or the sex sucked, period! If it was good for you, and you enjoyed the moment without guilt or feeling used who cares? I have girlfriends who are fine with this. Then I have those who pretend they are fine with it when actually I watch it erode their self respect and damage their capacity for a healthy relationship, what they are truly seeking. Know thyself.

3) If it is good there is a point where you need to see if that part works.

I was a virgin when I married for religious reasons. The sex was AWFUL. Since my divorce I have discovered how much I really love sex. So…I do not regret the post marital liasons that did not work out. There was a point where that amount of intimacy was required to figure it out (plus I had anywhere from ok to mind blowing sex, good porch memories). They were learning experiences mentally, spiritually, and sexually. Had I not waited until my mind caught up with my body I may have had regret, or become attached emotionally and less able to see that the bad guys were in fact bad. Those I chose to connect with sexually were not bad. I cared about them, and they cared about me, and for various reasons it just did not work . I am friends with them all, and I have NO regrets.

4) As straight laced as I am when it comes to when to hopping in bed (ranging from not until marriage to generally at least a couple to six months) when it’s right, it’s right.

My current boyfriend just lights my world. He kissed me on the first date and I knew we had chemistry. By date five we were in bed, with this caveat. I said “I do not usually do this unless I am in an exclusive relationship. It seems too soon for that, I am not sure I am even ready for that. I cannot sleep with you knowing you are seeing or sleeping with other women out of dignity for myself and my values, and I am ok with waiting.” He said “I am done, no one else”. It was great out of the gate and is getting better and better. It’s been months and we still do it at least several times a day. I can’t get enough. It is not just the sex there is such connection on every level. We cook, garden, take yoga together. We talk and take care of each other and that has made the sex better and better. What’s funny is because of my marriage I am the committment phobe not him. I am the anti-marriage, I am dating only you but I swear if I hear the “L” word I will run, freaking myself out cuz I am getting attached to him. I admit being man brained in many regards using maps well, and N,S, E, and W when giving directions, so…I am more pragmatic than emotional when it comes to most things, even affairs of the heart. The only way he knows that I really like him is that since my marriage ended, of all the guys I dated (one for three months a world record for me) no one met my children. I refuse to have men in and out of their lives and I was quite particular and in no hurry to settle down. He has met them and is wonderful to them. I may not have decided but my six year old asks me how he can get Mr…to be his step dad. His friends at school have them he protests.LOL.

Comment from thaiyellow
Time July 24, 2008 at 5:47 am

i love courting and being courted. it can go on for like months, and it ..is..so…much…fun. and it’s not like you do
NOT
have
sex

just not with a particular someone, that you share more and more with…

or not

cause there is a point where it just don’t matter

and it is a really cool place

like that seagull jonothan talks about

…whistfully thinking…~

Comment from QTMama
Time August 20, 2008 at 1:08 pm

I totally blogged about this very topic myself. And reading this brought a smile to my face. I think, for me, and having read ALL of these comments (Whew, I’m exhausted) the thought from Ronnie is where I am at …

“The waiting is about seeing if the guy is truly interested. That’s because some women feel hurt if they have sex and nothing more happens.”

On the other hand, I am 35 years old. And I have a higher sex drive right now at this time in my life than I EVER have before. And here I thought that old statistic of women hitting their “peak” in their 30’s was crap. Bah.