Reader Request: Scarlett Wants Another Chance
A reader named Scarlett had what sounds like a very un-fun breakup (as opposed to the ones that are like a trip to Great Adventure, I guess) a couple of months ago. Well, the guy has resurfaced, and she’s wondering if there’s a second chance in there for her.
What if during a breakup with your guy you behaved needy, told him off, cried alot and acted real devastated for a good reason. Then a couple months later he actually calls you all casual like and says he just wants “to say hi, and see how you are doing”… What can you do or say to get a second chance with him? There are books written about this. What is your manly opinion?
Dear Scarlett,
My manly opinion, eh? Ok, I’ll type this one in a deep voice, promise.
Well, here’s the bad news: What can you do to “get” another chance with a guy? Nothing. Nada. Either you have a second chance or you don’t. Your words or deeds aren’t going to change how he feels about you in that way.
I wouldn’t worry about the needy/telling off/crying/devastated stuff. Hey, it was a breakup. That’s textbook breakup stuff. (You all still have your breakup textbooks, don’t you? I swear, if you don’t return those at the end of the semester, I am going to charge you this time.) Zero shame in any of that. That isn’t what jumps out at me here.
What catches my eye is that “couple of months.” This guy hasn’t contacted you for a couple of months. Evidently he can withstand a couple of months of ZERO contact from you. Also, when he DOES contact you, it’s not him saying, “I can’t live without you,” or even, “I really miss you.” He’s saying, “What’s up?” Not exactly sweeping you off your feet, is he?
I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s not sounding like he’s going to be serious about dating you again. And if so, there’s not much you can do to change his mind. The good news is:
YOU DON’T WANT ANOTHER CHANCE — I SWEAR
Truly, you don’t WANT to change his mind. Why? Well, picture yourself with him after you did whatever it is, and you somehow got a second chance. Ok, so you’re now in a relationship with him again, and you’re with your friends, and he says to them, “Yeah, we were over. I didn’t contact her for 2 months. But I gave her a call just to say ‘what’s up’, and she said (insert imaginary brilliant comment here) and did (insert imaginary awesome behavior here) and suddenly I really wanted to give her a second chance. And we’ve been together ever since.”
Ok, first of all, it doesn’t sounds very plausible. Secondly, I can’t think of what those behaviors might be. But even if it WAS plausible and you COULD think that stuff up, it would feel terrible. That would be such a crappy situation.
IF A GUY IS THE RIGHT GUY…
Obviously, you can’t get a second chance from someone who doesn’t want to give you one. And the right guy doesn’t need to be convinced. He really doesn’t. The right guy doesn’t break up with you and stop all contact for months. There’s just no good explanation for this kind of behavior, other than the fact that he’s not the right guy. As painful as that is, I promise that trying to talk him into giving your relationship another shot will be MORE painful.
The short version is this: The wrong guy can’t be convinced and the right guy doesn’t need to be.
I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you, Scarlett. But it seems like this guy has put your relationship behind him. I wish you the best, and I hope you can put it behind you, too.
What say you, ladies? Anyone out there gotten a second chance? Or do we think Scarlett even wants one? What do you think?
Posted: November 8th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Lori
Time November 8, 2007 at 10:12 am
The right guy doesn’t need to be convinced. This has totally been my experience.
Even though I am trying to convince a guy of that right now.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 8, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Sassy: Good question — never hurts to know what the hell you’re doing at least.
Lori: But once you convince him then he’ll know — and then he’ll be the right guy, and he won’t need to be convinced.
Comment from Susan
Time November 8, 2007 at 1:04 pm
How bad (good?) was the “good reason” that caused the break up? I think human nature is to fall back to things we know and are comfortable with, even if they’re uncomfortable, vs. facing the unknown, as Sassy wrote. Like Lori, my experience is that the right guy doesn’t need convincing, although this is usually only after a lot of tears and time have passed that I realize this. Certainly don’t be afraid of being on your own for a little while.
Comment from Sian
Time November 8, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Jeff, loved your cool advice from the male perspective… but life is never black and white, so in the guise of shades of grey I will have to disagree ( even though you are pretty cute-take note of brownie points attempt here!)
Scarlett, what has happened between you and this guy is in the past-leave it there!. View this as a new opportunity to CREATE something wonderful on your TERMS. Stop reacting to this guy’s behaviour, but manifest a whole new dynamic with him.
Let him do all the work in getting you back. Be polite and pleased to hear from him if he calls, but end all conversations first. Act a bit mysterious and evasive but keep him guessing.
I don’t agree with jeff when he says the guy has waited too long to call, after all he may have needed this space to sort out his true feelings for you.
So, make him work for you attention. If he doesn’t step up to the bar you have lost nothing, but kept your dignity in the process.
To me, this is a win /win situation for you. Either way you can’t lose.
Good luck
Sian
Comment from Mimsie
Time November 9, 2007 at 1:41 am
Hi All,
Great article Manslatissimo…
With all due respect to Sian, it’s been my experience that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Furthermore, having had a similar thing happen to me on two counts — contact after months of radio silence following a break up because I finally realized I put up with WAY too much crappola — I consulted two guy friends who basically said that Señiors Incommunicado were after me as “date insurance” which made me feel terrible.
I admittedly have self-esteem issues, but Mami puts up with NONE of this kind of nonsense.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 9, 2007 at 7:27 am
Sassy: Tell me about it — I can barely dress myself in the morning.
Susan: Good thinking — why did they break it off in the first place? Has that changed?
Sian: I like the “win-win” logic here, though I still have to disagree with you on this guy’s behavior (specifically the “needing space to sort out his true feelings” part — that’s one of those things that guys say when they want out, and only because they think women will believe it. It’s literally never been true for any guys I know.)
But thanks for the opposing viewpoint! Believe me, I never rule out the possibility that I am totally full of it.
Mimsie: Thanks for the NON-opposing viewpoint. Or, rather, the opposing viewpoint TO the opposing viewpoint.
Comment from Loiralei
Time November 9, 2007 at 10:15 am
Why did he even bother to Call her then? What’s the reason for THAT?!
Comment from Dating Goddess
Time November 9, 2007 at 1:59 pm
I think he was testing the water to get back into the game with her. I’ve had this happen a number of times. A guy goes poof and then resurfaces (the last one took an 18-month break in contact), then lobs a “how ya doing?” email/IM/call to see how you’ll react. He misses you, realizes he made a mistake, or is just horny/lonely and wants to see if he can get something going again.
But to open with “I miss you and want to get back together” is too needy and vulnerable. You might be seeing someone else. You might blast him for daring to darken your in-box after you told him off. Etc. So the “how ya doing?” is a soft opening to see how receptive you are to him.
So, after carefully considering Jeff and the other’s sage advice, if you want to start seeing him again, he’s opening the door. If not, say, “thanks for contacting me, but I’m afraid I’ve moved on.”
Dating Goddess
Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
http://www.DatingGoddess.com
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 9, 2007 at 3:43 pm
Loiralei: As Dating Goddess says, I think he’s testing the waters. But for what?
DG:I agree that he’s dipping his toe in to see where she’s at. But I have literally never heard of a man breaking it off with someone and then getting back together with them because of a good reason (i.e NOT loneliness or horniness.)
I think of it like quitting a job. If you quit your job, the only reasons you end up going back are a.) you’re broke, and/or b.) you couldn’t find anything better. It’s not because you suddenly realize that you liked that job.
Comment from Sian
Time November 9, 2007 at 4:29 pm
Dating Goddess: I agree with your advice.
Jeff: I see what you are saying, but feel you are generalising. I am sure females do this to guys too. sometimes people aren’t in touch with there feelings until they are challenged.
I am not saying she should just take him back, but he has opened the door and she has a choice whether to close it for good, or to keep it slighlty ajar and to see what unfolds.
Comment from Theatregal
Time November 9, 2007 at 10:15 pm
It all depends on how you feel about the person and the relationship. ….. I believe how old or mature you are now…….a day later or a year later makes a difference. People change. Some even grow up….imagine? Isn’t that the whole point of life? Learning and growing? I agree with Sian. Nothing is EVER Black and White. I seriously hate all the game playing one is supposed to play. I won’t do it. If that means I’m alone forever, so be it. If I have to play games, then the relarionship is fake anyway. It’s too bad people spend their lives reading books about how to trick people into relationship, instead of just telling the truth, feeling their feelings, and being themselves.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 10, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Sian: Me? Generalising? Perhaps. Full of crap? Possibly. I suppose only Scarlett will be able to unravel this one for sure….
Theatregal: I’m with you — no friggin’ games. If the person you’re with doesn’t like who you actually ARE…well…how is THAT ever going to work?
Comment from Melanie
Time August 24, 2011 at 7:38 am
Hey Jeff,
I have a weird coincidence to share with you. Every man I have been in a serious relationship with is left handed. Its not like I am hanging out at the lefty store or joining left handed meetup clubs. I don’t know…do you have any thoughts or similar stories to share?
Mel
Comment from Sassy
Time November 8, 2007 at 9:21 am
I think I’d ask myself “why” I wanted a second chance. Is it because I’m lonely? Bored? Scared to meet someone else? Afraid to go back into the dating scene?
These types of questions usually help me discover where my behaviors are coming from.