manslations

It’s another Friday in paradise, people, and that means only one thing* — it’s time for another edition of the Manslations News Roundup.

*It probably means more things than that, but I’m not going to sit here and list all the things it means, ok? We’re all busy so let’s just get on with our lives.

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JESSICA SIMPSON WANTS A BOSTON MAN. SERIOUSLY. JUST…WANTS A GUY FROM BOSTON. M’KAY.

Yeah, I’m not totally following this. She just wants to date a guy from Boston because… she thinks “Boston has cute boys,” and also that a Boston man, “is closest to a Southern man, I believe.”

Temporarily setting aside the fact that her “belief” may simply be related to her limited understanding of where Boston is vs. where the South is, I thinkthat making a relationship decision based solely upon geography may ultimately be remembered to have been a mistake.

That said, Jessica, if you really want to go through with this, I’m sure that a line is forming at Fenway right now.

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RICH CHINESE DUDES PAY $8,000 BUCKS TO MEET WOMEN

It seems that there are men in China who are rich enough to pay $8,000 for, essentially, a dating/marriage service. But they’re not rich enough to, you know, be attractive to women? Fellas, what are you doing wrong? You’ve got over a billion people. That’s billion with a ‘b’. Are there no gold-diggers in your land?

The dating service claims that they selected their women for “looks, kindness, thought and taste.” I’m guessing that the selection process probably went something along the lines of, “Well, she looks good…I bet she’s got kindness, thought and taste comin’ out of her ears. Load her in the truck.”

Good luck, fellas. For the life of me, I can’t imagine anything that could go wrong with this particular method of meeting your future spouse.

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COURT SAYS SPIDER BITE NO EXCUSE FOR RAPE

Oh, you Australians. With your deadly fauna and your sicko dudes. Here, we’ve got a man who kidnapped and raped a woman, and blamed it on a spider bite. And the courts turned him down? Golly, it’s almost as if they’re saying that there’s NO good excuse for his behavior. So strange…

I have a funny feeling that this guy, during his prison time, is going to find out what “non-consensual sex” is really all about.

(Manslator’s Note: I don’t know if jail is like that in Australia. But if it’s not, feel free to send him to Riker’s Island in America. They’ll show him a real good time, I promise.)

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AIRLINE REQUESTS THAT PASSENGERS REFRAIN FROM HUMPING

This airline has put double beds in suites on their airplanes and they don’t want people to do sex upon each other in there?

Guys, guys, please. Take a step back and think about this. You have a bathroom smaller than a coffin and people have been doing it in there since forever. I’m sure Orville Wright at least considered trying to fit his girlfriend into that deathtrap somehow.

You can’t stop morons from trying to have sex in whatever places exist. It’s too fun. It’s so fun, people do it on BUSES. (Disgusting people, sure, but people nonetheless. I guess many of them just wanted to join the “yard-high club.” Not very prestigious.)

Don’t fight it, airline people. It’s the way of the world. If you build it, they will come.

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That’s all, ladies. Now, I know that careful readers amongst you might have noticed that last week I said that THIS week I’d have a big announcement. Well…I still don’t have it yet. Sorry ’bout that. I’m hoping I’ll be able to talk about it very soon. In the meantime, I’ll be back here on Monday, talking all kinds of nonsense, answering questions, saving lives. You know — manslator stuff. (And if you have a request, as always, please go ahead and send it in!)