Jeni Asks One of the Most Terrifying Questions a Man Will Ever Hear
Good morning, ladies of the Manslations-reading public. I got a letter from a young lady named Jeni, who tells a tale that will send a chill up the spine of any red-blooded male in the land. (Any man with blood of another color should probably go to the hospital.) She really sets of the “oh my god, is she really asking me THAT” alarm, let me tell you. Read on…if you dare.
I was dating this guy for about 7 months. I finally asked him where he saw this relationship going and he totally got all weird on me. We cooled off for about a month and he emailed me saying that he just got a scared and wanted to try to make the relationship work. Love-strucken me, agreed. Things were going fine for about a month. Then recently he stopped calling me, only contacts me through email or text and I’m feeling neglected. I sent him a text that said “i’m tired of begging for your attention. I want someone who wants me. If you don’t let me know.” He never responded. Should I just count my losses and move on?
Dear Jeni,
Well, here’s the thing. “Where do you see this relationship going?” is one of those questions that strikes terror into the hearts of men. Even Jack Bauer, were he here today, might fudge his pants on that one.
I think in a way you got your answer, which was that he liked things as they were but didn’t KNOW where the relationship was going. Guys rarely think very specifically about where a relationship is “going.” Where could it “go?” Honestly, I don’t know what an acceptable answer to that would be. And I’m a friggin’ genius, ok?
Seems like he wanted to see if you guys could keep on dating. But I’m getting the sense that whatever HE was cool with wasn’t enough for YOU. And if I’m sensing it from that paragraph, I’m sure he knew all about it.
I have to tell you, I’m not getting a sense that he wasn’t interested. But I think that question — that awful question — “Where do you see this relationship going?” might have driven a bit of a wedge in there. Lemme ‘splain what happens when we hear that.
- HE THINKS HE KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE ASKING: Whether you’re asking this or not, he hears the following: “Look, I’m not happy with where this is headed, so are you prepared to tell me right here, right now, whether or not you want to spend every day with me until you are a dead person? Or are we going to break up this afternoon?” Yeah, I don’t care if that’s not what you’re asking. That’s what he heard.
- HE DOESN’T KNOW THE “RIGHT” ANSWER: Notice, I didn’t say that he doesn’t know the TRUTH (i.e. “I have no idea what you mean.”) His fear is that there’s a “right” answer — as in, the one that will a.) make you happy and b.) get him out of this conversation quickly. And he doesn’t know what it is.
- HE’S SURE YOU KNOW THE “RIGHT” ANSWER: He may not know what you want to hear, but he’s pretty sure that YOU know exactly what you want to hear. Scares him to death, because NOW he thinks that it’s going to be pass/fail. Did he get it right or not?
- THERE’S ONLY ONE GOOD ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION: Do you really want him to tell you the truth no matter what? “Well, I see this as a placeholder relationship, you know? We date for a year or two, hang out, have a few laughs. But then we’ll break up.” Seems like that would go badly. The only possible GOOD answer to that question (as far as he or I know) is, “I see us married, forever.” It’s such a hot seat question, and there’s no way for it to be fun for him to answer it. It’s not like the hot seat on a gameshow where you could win a car. All he might win is…you guys not breaking up. Which is great, but it’s not a very fun “game.” And there’s no gameshow host, which I think takes away from the whole experience as well.
PLEASE DELETE THIS QUESTION FROM YOUR MIND
Honestly, the main reason why you shouldn’t ask this question is this: It’s a lousy question. It’s just not worded very well, it’s vague, and it sounds like something that came out of a book or movie. And because of that last part — the fact that it’s a question that comes from movies and books and stuff — it doesn’t feel like he is personally being asked for information. It sounds to him like he’s being asked to jump through a hoop that some screenwriter created long ago.
As worded, it’s just not nice. It’s like: “Where do you see yourself in five years?” This is one you hear in job interviews. And my answer (in my head) to that one is, “Jesus, how the hell should I know? What are you even TALKING about?” But you can’t say that or else nobody will ever give you a paycheck with which to buy electronics and Xbox games.
That’s the problem with this question. It’s so vague and generic that it basically invites lying. It all but forces a man to think, “Ok, the truth is NOT what is required here — I better come up with something that sounds good, or I’m screwed.”
WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY?
I don’t know if this situation is save-able or not. But I don’t get the sense that he was bailing out on you. I think he just didn’t know the answer to that question, and he thought you were expecting something specific from him, but not telling him what it was. If that IS the case and if you want to try, there could be a shot here.
1.) ASK BETTER QUESTIONS
What do you REALLY want to know? Do you want to know if he wants to move in with you? Do you want to know if he wants to get married? Do you just want to be reassured that he’s serious about you? What would you say if someone were to ask you, “What do you mean by ‘where do you see this relationship going?’” and then say THAT stuff to him instead.
2.) YOU ANSWER THE QUESTIONS, TOO — AND YOU GO FIRST.
You like him, right? So throw him a rope by telling him YOUR answers first. Quid pro quo, Clareeeeece. Where do YOU see the relationship going? Fair is fair, and if you’re asking him to declare his intentions or his feelings or whatever it is that you need to know, well, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to go first. If you go first, he’ll know what, exactly you’re talking about and you can start a “conversation” instead of a “job interview” or a “series of terrifying demands at gunpoint.” And if you’re NOT willing to go first, well, maybe that’s because you secretly know that you’re putting him in a tough and unpleasant position, right?
Good luck, Jeni. If you still really like this guy, I actually think that with a little bit of, “Hey, I’m sorry I kind of put you on the hot seat there. I didn’t mean to paint you into a corner. All I really wanted to talk about was…” you might be able to see if there’s anything still there.
What do you say, ladies? Anybody have any experience with the “where is this relationship” question? How did it work out?
Posted: November 14th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Susan
Time November 14, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Gentlemen, I’ll speak for women everywhere and say: please cut Jeni some slack here, even if it’s just a wee bit. You guys can be so incredibly vague, frustrating and thickheaded at times, sometimes we just get pushed to the edge. And at other times, we get sick of telling you what’s up with us when all we would like is for you to clue us in on what’s going on in YOUR head. (Which is why I agree with brahnamin in that I wouldn’t necessarily offer up my every thought and feeling on the subject before giving him a chance to ‘splain first.)
That said
I don’t know if Jeni had a specific reason for wanting to ask this question 7 months into their relationship (that may seem too soon for some people, not soon enough for others) – what was bugging her? did she feel even then she needed to beg for attention? is her biological clock ticking loudly? did he suggest something in the beginning that wasn’t panning out (in her eyes)? Or, even perhaps the guy actually knew her concerns and wasn’t dealing in a way she liked. But I do agree- and have learned in my own experiences – the more specific the better. I think Jeff’s “ask better questions” and avoid the vague and scary hot seat is a good lesson, as well as softening it with some nice-nice talk, too (which hopefully you do feel). I’d also strongly suggest you ask the better question(s) and then let him actually answer/talk. Sometimes we (I) want to interject every 3 seconds with another question or comment, and that doesn’t work well either.
Good luck!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 14, 2007 at 2:49 pm
brahnamin: Good point — for some guys even a GOOD direct question might send them into damage control “ohmygodwhatstherightanswer” mode.
Susan: Totally fair point. We can be all the stuff you say — especially thickheaded. From your perspective, I’d say to assume we’re even MORE thickheaded than you think. As in, we’re not good at picking up hints. At all.
That’s why I say — if you want to know something, you might just have to ask directly. I can tell you this — if you told ME where YOU were at in the relationship, I would never in a bazillion years know that it was a hint to get me to tell you where I was at. I know, I know. Sorry about that.
And yeah, I agree that the big question is, what is making Jeni want to ask this? What’s going on?
Comment from Shelby
Time November 14, 2007 at 4:03 pm
Here’s my opinion. When I started dating my boyfriend, HE asked me, “What are we doing?” I answered, “I think we have a great time together and I enjoy dating you. So let’s keep on dating.” HE wanted to know MY intentions. It’s my opinion that in the right relationship, a man will let you know how he feels through his actions. Later on, he occasionally became distant and quiet for the period of about 2 weeks. He started dropping hints and clues regarding the way he felt about me. I call this “dry-heaving.” Finally he just “threw-up” and told me that he was in love. When a relationship is grounded and communication is good, you won’t have to ASK where the relationship is going. He will show you. I think Jeni just doesn’t want to be Mrs. Right Now. My friend Alex dated a Mrs. Right Now for over a year. When she asked where the relationship was going, he FLED! He told me he did this because he didn’t want to string her along, nor did he want to marry her. Jeni was trying to protect herself, in my opinion. She already had an emotional investment and wanted to know if he had the same feelings. When in doubt, ask. But Jeff is correct as always; you have to be careful as to how you go about it.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 15, 2007 at 7:26 am
Shelby: Good point — in the best situations, you’ll know exactly where each other is at. Or “are at.” Or…in the right situation, you’ll know where you both are. At. Hm. I’ll get back to you when I know where I am. At.
Side note: I’m so glad your guy barfed his love upon you!
Comment from Ronnie
Time November 15, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Just gotta chime in here. If you ask a direct question, and the guy runs, that IS his answer. No answer IS an answer. If the question opens a discussion of future potential and feelings – that’s a more an answer too.
Sometimes these questions are needed to get clear whether men like them or not. I call this “Asking the Hard Questions,” and Jeff is so right – being specific is a good thing. But, just like Jeff also said – you better only ask if you really want to know the answer – because either way, you will get an answer of some kind.
When a woman asks a “Hard Question,” she is seeking to deepen the relationship. Once in a while a man will take this step himself, but with all the people I’ve worked with, that’s a pretty rare thing. Shelby was one of the lucky ones. More often, women have to initiate this step.
Ronnie Ann Ryan -The Dating Coach
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 16, 2007 at 7:35 am
Ronnie: Excellent point, Ronnie — men often speak with their ACTIONS and not their words, so yep, that would count as an action. Bailing.
And yes, men are pretty sissified when it comes to asking the hard questions. (And we’re sorry about it, I promise.)
Comment from hunter
Time November 26, 2007 at 7:30 pm
……some men are afraid of losing her, if, they say, “I will go with you, but, I won’t marry.”
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 27, 2007 at 7:35 am
hunter: I think you’re exactly right. I think that’s what the REAL truth is underneath all the dodging. It’s, “Hey, I like dating you, but I’m not thinking marriage.”
Comment from hunter
Time November 27, 2007 at 9:01 pm
…..most guys, we don’t realize, that we are limited by logic………..we are blind to the fact that,,,,, we can mostly,,,,,, tell the truth,,,,,,, and women will still go out with us….
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 28, 2007 at 7:52 am
hunter: Oh, I could not agree more. I often think that men are only allowed to date women because even when we tell them exactly what they’re like, they STILL don’t believe us!
Comment from AnneZ
Time February 10, 2008 at 12:19 pm
You gotta be kidding me. From what you say here, and possibly an unfortunate juxtaposition of which other posts I just read, men spend 90% of their lives terrified. All that terror must be so exhausting. I’m shocked you ever have any energy left for the all important sex. Hey, here’s a thought: if you relax a lilttle on the non-stop terror thing, you can have more sex what with all the extra energy and stuff…and ALL THE FEMALE AVAILABILITY FROM NOT HAVING RUN A THOUSAND MILES AWAY FROM HER.
The “right” answer he is so desperately afraid of missing is right at his own fingertips. It’s called the “truth.” See, from what you’ve described, his definition of the “right” answer is “the answer that will prevent her from leaving me or making any change in the status quo or like, saying more words, which always takes away from the sex time and ends in more terror for me and I’m already at 90% terror and cannot take on one more percent and still get my lungs to function which interferes with getting to work and my Xbox might get repossessed.”
What’s so hard about the gentleman saying to himself–the female is also a human being and has needs and goals. If I give her truth, she can pursue her needs and goals. This is a thing that makes a real man out of me, instead of a squirrelly weasel of a rat with a testosterone deficiency not unlike satin cheeked 4 year olds, yanno, the kind who haven’t hit puberty or even heard of it.
Maybe the answer to her is “I like you and enjoy our sex life and I hope I can continue to enjoy your company” To which she will say: “Do you see us moving in together/marrying/meeting mom?” To which he can say “Hell yeah!” or “Various details expressing uncertainty and hope” or “Probably not. Did you want that? I’m sorry.”
Oh look! The earth is still spinning on its axis. Trees still convert carbon dioxide into something you can breathe. Yes, you, a male person—Breathe! Proceed to work, save Xbox.
The worst case scenario is she appreciates you for manning up and you both move on. End result for you: a girl not only does not hate you, she thinks of you as a real man. Courteous and honest and all those boy scouty things. You feel like a man. You feel like Spencer Tracy would pat you on the shoulder and smile and introduce you to his daughter ‘cuz you’ve got all that integrity and stuff.
What the hell would be so wrong with all that?
Boys. Sheesh.
Comment from hunter
Time February 20, 2008 at 11:16 pm
to annez
…you end your speech with, “what is wrong with all that?”…….besides going through withdrawal symptoms,……we have to go out and find another female sex partner…It maybe weeks before we find one…..but, I agee with you,… no one has ever died of no sex!…..
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 27, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Dears “h” and “a”,
…Merci! Needed some chuckles, albeit belated.
…Hdear! What’s with the “weeks before” finding “another female sex partner”???
!What planet inhabited? Last case scenario–it’s OKcapitalism–get Thee to a brothel. Otherwise, point of Ms.AnneZ re-”testosterone deficiency” is ON POINT!
And…don’t die wondering!
Comment from brahnamin
Time November 14, 2007 at 9:40 am
okay, not a lady, but i’ll venture a comment anyway.
advising the girl to *go first* when she is looking for reassurance is kissing unicorns and riding virgins. that is to say the stuff of myth.
a female looking for reassurance wants to know what a man *honestly* thinks and feels if she puts her feelings out there first he will just spin a tale based on the clues she has dropped.
which, lets face it, he probably will, for all the reasons you gave.
that said, I think the whole of your post is dead on.
to jeni, and any other woman approaching this situation, i’d offer the suggestion that a leading conversation will net you a whole lot more than a direct question.
lets face it, guys are pretty easy to trick