The Case of the Recovering (but sadly not yet “Recovered”) Romantic
We’ve got a really interesting one today, ladies. And I think I’ve got a bead on him. It’s the disappearing Romantic again. But with a twist. Read on:
Dear Jeff,
I dated a man for three months. It was a great relationship and he treated me like a princess, showering me with expensive gifts, trips and the like.
Last week we met and he simply vanished. Everything was all right, believe me.
Then, he disappeared. Didn’t call or email me.
When we started dating, he said it was vital for him that we agreed that once any of us wanted out of the relationship one should tell the other.
And now he vanished.
He’s not dead. I’ve checked even that!
I have not called him, since I strongly believe that men do not call us because they do not want to. Period.
The manslation I need is: why do men act like this? I had never seen something like that before!Thank you for any light you may shed on this obscure masculine path…
Yours sincerely,
Carla
Dear Carla,
Hm. This is a fascinating case. The big point that jumps out at me is the fact that he did PRECISELY what he insisted that neither of you ever do. He broke that one “vital” rule that he had — that the two of you agree to tell the other one if you wanted out.
MANSLATION: Projecting
Here’s the thing. I’ve seen this from men AND women. Let’s use the example of cheating. Let’s say that one partner has cheated in the past. Go ahead, say it. Out loud. No, I don’t care that you’re sitting at your desk at work…
I’m waiting…I can wait all day…
No? Ok, fine. We’ll just move on.
(Manslator’s Note: Things will be so much better for everyone if you will just do everything I say, no matter how weird, ok?)
Ok, so back to the example. That partner — the cheater — then becomes intensely distrustful of everyone (because they know how untrustworthy THEY are) and starts making all kinds of “no cheating” rules.
I think your guy knew his tendency to do this, Carla — to bail without notice. I think he doesn’t LIKE this tendency in himself. (And I bet you aren’t too wild about it either.) So I think he decided to make it a rule for BOTH of you — neither of us is allowed to just vanish without a trace! We must be HONEST with one another! If we want to leave, we must tell!
Yeah. “We.”
Sounds like this guy is a “Romantic” but he’s not wild about being one. As I described in more detail in this post, The Romantic is the guy who gets off on the drama of a new relationship, and specifically how caught up YOU get. Once he gets his fix (i.e. that you’re totally captivated) the fire dies down in him, and he loses all interest.
What happens to some guys as they get a little older is that they start to dislike this tendency in themselves. I mean, it’s not very mature, of course. And it probably annoys him and freaks him out a little, since it’s not a conscious thing. “What the hell is wrong with me? I know for a FACT this was going well. Why can’t I stay interested? Am I ever going to get over this?”
And then he met you. And he didn’t want to fall into the old pattern again. So he made this proclamation that “we” must never bail out without being honest. But unfortunately (and inevitably) he was the one to break his rule.
YOU DIDN’T CALL? PROBABLY THE RIGHT CALL
Look, I’m sure he was really great and fun. The Romantic always is. But if I’m reading him right, this kind of “love ‘em and leave ‘em” deal is essentially an addiction for him — and until he works it out himself, he’s going to have a tough time sticking with anyone. I don’t know what his story is, but I’d say that he’s still got a ways to go before he’s legitimate dating material. I’m sorry that you got caught in the crossfire of his recovery.
Good Luck, Carla. I think you made the right choice letting him go. And don’t blame yourself. This one’s on him.
Ladies, whaddya think? Do you buy my half-baked theory? Ever dated a guy who made a rule and then broke it himself? What happened?
Posted: November 20th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 20, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Susan:
“Who knows what other psychological issues are lurking there?”
Yep — good call. I mean, a dude doesn’t end up doing this kind of thing because, you know, NOTHING ever happened to him. Seems like he’s got his head turned around pretty good, whatever the cause.
(And, as most of us are so lousy at remembering, it’s not likely US that will be that last, missing puzzle piece that will be the cause for changing that behavior.)
Incidentally, congratulations on being my 666th comment! Did you feel wicked and devilish while typing it?
Comment from Susan
Time November 20, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Jeff, I always feel wicked and devilish typing on your blog.
Comment from Theatregal
Time November 20, 2007 at 9:58 pm
OMG! I love this. Obviously too many times to count. Arrrgggg! The Romantic, my “Juggler”.
A great book on this particular subject, if you ever feel vengeful is “The Art of Seduction”, by Robert Greene. He has about 10 different names for both male and female seducers and how you pick it up early and play the game right back. Not that I probably ever could do it…..but it sure made me feel better knowing I had the handbook for payback. : )
He has “The Siren”, “The Rake”( seems to be my personal favorite, since he’s who I usually attract), “The Ideal Lover”, ( probably my second favorite……come to think of it…..they’re pretty equal ), “The Dandy”, “The Natural”, “The Coquette”, “The Charmer”, ” The Charismatic”, “The Star”, and “The Anti-Seducer”. Then he goes into the personality of each one’s victims. Then how to be the seducer instead of the one with the broken heart.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 21, 2007 at 9:44 am
Susan: Then my work here is done.
Theatregal: I love the idea of that book! Such a great idea!
Comment from Theatregal
Time November 21, 2007 at 9:47 am
Obviously I have too much time on my hands……I’m always suggesting books. I read too much. : )
Comment from carla
Time November 27, 2007 at 11:19 am
I met him by chance twice afterwards and pretended I had not seen him. We were at a bar and he had the waiter send me a drink I usually have. I politely refused and sent the drink back to him – via waiter – never looking at his table.
I still cannot understand why a grown-up man has this kind of behavior.
Anyway, I appreciate your comments on this sad case. Must confess it keeps hurting, though.
Carla
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 28, 2007 at 7:54 am
Carla: Yeah, I think you might want to remove “grown-up” from his resume. That’s the problem with guys like this. They never grew up. Sorry it still hurts, but again, good for you for sticking to what you KNOW is the right thing to do about it.
Comment from hunter
Time December 10, 2007 at 1:46 am
I am guilty of this, but, it is like, I had no other alternative. We saw each other 90 days, and, she comes up with a list of what seemed to me, flaws in my personality, character, etc. I didn’t know which one to address first!…or second…to add to it, she doesn’t need a commitment, but, I can’t see anyone else……..surely, I don’t want to see her again….
Comment from mar
Time December 13, 2007 at 1:41 am
Er… is hunter (above) the guy Carla is talking about?
If he is: false, there was an alternative course of action: to tell her that you did not want to see her anymore and to explain why!
Comment from hunter
Time December 13, 2007 at 10:27 pm
to mar,
what, to respond to each and every item on her list of what is wrong with me?…….hhmmmhh…
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 14, 2007 at 7:23 am
mar: Many times we actually couldn’t put words to why. We just know we don’t want to be there. I know that doesn’t help, but it’s not that he’s just sitting on all this information and refusing to give it to you. (Maybe that can help with the process, knowing that there’s nothing to KNOW other than the fact that it wasn’t working for him.)
hunter: Well, you could have at least picked your top 7 faults and done a powerpoint presentation about them. 
Comment from hunter
Time December 16, 2007 at 1:08 pm
…….a power point presentation, hhhhmmmmhh, a power point presentation……..hhhhhmmmmhh, respond with scattered thoughts?…….the letter she wrote went different directions…..really?……
Comment from Susan
Time November 20, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Carla, I applaud you for saying, ” I have not called him, since I strongly believe that men do not call us because they do not want to. Period.” This is a far stronger and smarter attitude than many of us have. Okay, smarter than I have had in the past. It’s just so hard to be disappointed — like here is something great and then *psych!*
But obviously if he’s a Disappearing Romantic, better off without him — who knows what other psychological issues are lurking there. But you’re sure he wasn’t kidnapped by aliens? Never mind… I’m a Recovering Romantic Optimist, needing to hold back on granting multiple chances with my magic wand. Better off to remind yourself that HE is the one missing out.