manslations

Today, we’ve got one from a woman named Ian who has a man that doesn’t go after her in bed. Not how she wants him to, anyway. Seems like she’s got a great sense of where he’s at, and from her description of the situation, I think we can help.

Ian writes:

hi jeff,

my bf and i are going on 3 years now, and we don’t live together (this is fine for both he and i).

my question is about sex: whenever i want to talk to him about our intimate relations, he shuts down and/or
changes the subject. i know he watches porn, and while i have no desire to watch it with him, i am open to
viewing those videos made for couples, among other things. i am very playful and don’t imply his performance is sub-par. but from his responses, i feel 1) he feels inadequate with the ‘tried and true’, 2) embarrassed that i am recognizing his private pleasures and/or 3) only interested in pleasing himself.

as a very sensual girl, i feel comfortable often being physical in sexual and non-sexual ways. however, overall i feel like i am doing more of the ‘giving’ than he is…while he happily comments how lucky he is to have a girl who enjoys giving massages etc…his refusal to talk and take initiative to ask about my needs leaves me feeling increasingly chilly…and i hate feeling chilly! am i doing something wrong? is my head messed up?

thankfully this behavior doesn’t apply to other aspects of our relationship. but again, as a happily touchy-feely girl, a physical and emotional bond hits straight to my heart. that and chocolate

while i don’t want to withhold intimacy, i equally wish to avoid feeling like a puppy eager to please.
your perspective would be greatly appreciated! i love your site. thank you so much.

Dear Ian,

Well, I think you may havehit on something with your assessment of the situation. This is not a direct result of the porn, per se, but I think it IS related to his specific reason for watching porn. Which brings us to a question that seems obvious, but might not be.

WHY DO MEN LIKE PORN?

I’m awfully glad you asked me that, hypothetical question that I, myself, wrote for the sole purpose of answering it.

The answer isn’t so hard to see — men like porn because it’s less troubling than REAL women are. Especially guys who aren’t totally comfortable with themselves. Why?

• IT’S QUICK – it only lasts as long as he needs it to
• NO WORRIES — porn doesn’t judge him for anything, or make any demands
• NO DISAPPOINTMENT — it doesn’t require him to know how to please a woman. A pre-pleased woman is included.

I think your guesses about him are astute — I think he feels like he might be inadequate in the ol’ sack. Or he might be concerned that he MIGHT be. I think he’s freaked out because you appear to be pretty comfortable with sex and he is not.

My guess? I think he’s terrified that he’s going to be ‘found out’ as a bad lover. And that you — a sensual, sexually comfortable woman — are one day going to figure out that he’s not enough for you. That’s likely what HE believes to be a terrifying truth that he’s been, up to now, successfully hiding from you.

WHAT TO DO?

I agree with you — I would not withold intimacy if you want to keep him. I understand that you don’t want to be the only one trying to please, but to pull back now will only make his fears seem more real.

His issue, if I’m reading this right, is that he thinks that anytime he actually pleases you, it was a stroke of luck (so to speak, ha ha ha. Oh ho ho! Oh, me.) As in, he “got away with it.” But he lives in constant fear that he’s going to one day reveal himself to be what he THINKS he is — inadequate and disappointing.

Here’s what I’d suggest. What it seems that he needs to learn about himself is that he IS good in bed. That he CAN please you. And you seem to suggest that he IS and CAN, but that he just doesn’t seem to chase after that as often as you’d like, right? If I’m right about this guy, I bet you can help “train” him to believe in himself in bed. How? Two things:

1. Find something that he’s great at. Find whatever it is that he does that makes you CRAZY in bed.
2. Make sure he knows that he is EXCELLENT at that thing. Leave no room for him to believe that he “got away with it.” And don’t fake it. Remember, he’s sure that one day you’ll discover he’s no good, and will one day have to fake it. He’s dreading this. Make sure he knows that your pleasure is real, specific, and based on what he DID — what HE KNOWS HOW TO DO.

And build from there. I wouldn’t talk too-too much about it just yet — if I’m reading his situation correctly, the LAST thing he wants to do is have a discussion about this — nothing could happen in a discussion that would in any way help this. Sounds like he needs to build a different sexual self-image. He needs to do it himself (that whole “self” part of the self-image) but you can most definitely help by being sexually encouraging AND sexually demanding. And it sounds like you’re up for the job.

IF HE IN FACT ISN’T RINGING YOUR BELL… 

Now, let’s say he’s not 100% hitting the button. Well, if there is something that you can “teach” him how to do in order to drive you crazy, you can work with that as well. After you teach him how to do it right, whatever it is, you can make sure he knows how impressed you are at how well he picked up on that. (I wrote a post a while back all about how to ask for what you want in bed, that might be worth a look.)

Good luck, Ian. Seems like he’s comparing himself to what he THINKS a man should be. What you want to do in order to help is to let him know that he is exceptional. And, like I say, if he is NOT, well, MAKE him exceptional. This way, everybody’s happy. And nekkid. (As a female friend of mine is fond of saying, “Everybody who takes their pants off wins!”)

Oh, Manslatees?  Anybody deal with such a man in their travels? What’s your remedy for a non-aggressive lover?