What if You’re Not Perfect? Can a Man Deal?
Hey there, ladies. Today we’ve got a very detailed request from Maeve. I’ve included the full text of her message to me at the bottom of the post, as written. But in the interest in simplicity, I’ve excerpted the primary questions right up top where we can get at them. Basically, she’s not sure if a guy can deal with her, as is. Let’s find out. Maeve writes:
…Hopefully you don’t mind me asking several questions, because to me they are all linked. I have several problems that are obstacles in attracting and keeping men, and I would really like to hear ( I mean read) your opinion on them….
…Four of my biggest problems are autism, kp: ketosis pilaris or chicken bumps skin, hirsutism which is too much hairs in all the wrong places, and an intolerance to makeup…
…Some of these problems are very very obvious and I have managed to get myself a couple of boyfriends despite these problems. But in the end it always proves to be too much for them, and they leave me for less complicated females. Now I realise that you cannot possibly have the perfect solution to everything, being a mere mortal being, but I would at least like to hear how you think you, or other men, would react to and deal with such things, and how you think I should deal with them…
Dear Maeve,
First of all, I don’t know why you just HAD to bring up the fact that I’m a mere mortal. I mean, even if it is technically, you know, “true,” did you have to just SAY it like that? Sigh. Ah well.
Secondly, (and I really mean this) good for you for having the guts to talk this way. I know this stuff probably feels insurmountable. Here’s what I’d say:
It seems to me that there are two issues here. There’s The Issues, and there’s How You Feel About The Issues. And there’s good news and bad news.
THE ISSUES
The good news is that the issues themselves are totally surmountable. Look, I hate to oversimplify this, but nobody’s perfect. Not even close. And while it’s true that, yes, men do want to have sex with Jessica Alba, that doesn’t really have much to do with who we want or expect to have a relationship with.
Look at it this way: if YOU could look past these things in someone else, then there are men who can do it as well. And I wouldn’t worry about “springing” this stuff on men. I don’t think you need to either advertise it, nor hide it. It will come up as it comes up. The right men will be ok with it at any point in the process, and the wrong men…well…who gives a crap?
That said, there’s a bigger issue here.
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE ISSUES
Ok, here’s the bad news. If you feel lousy about yourself as a result of these issues, that’s going to be big trouble in meeting and keeping men. And in two lousy ways:
- It will frustrate and ultimately turn away the RIGHT guys.
- It will attract the WRONGEST guys imaginable.
Let me ‘splain. This is not just something that one might embroider on a pillow, you know, “love yourself first” and all that stuff. I’m talking practical, here.
Look, here’s the thing. There are men out there who can smell women with low-self esteem a mile away. And there are some men who like nothing more than to find those women and treat them in ways that no one would accept unless they thought very, very little of themselves.
Conversely, this same trait that attracts the jerks is one thing that is very difficult for the RIGHT man to deal with (and women too. And probably squid and monkeys and stuff. Though I’m no zoologist, you understand.) — a partner who is ashamed of themselves in some way. Or attempting to HIDE something about themselves. It just doesn’t work. For one thing, men often want to “fix” stuff. Even when we have, like, ZERO idea how to do it (see: Jeff Mac and automobiles). And so, if you feel crappy about yourself, many guys will want to at least TRY to make you feel NOT that way. But, of course, he won’t be able to do it very effectively. And so, he will feel that he has failed. Every day. After a while, that’s really rough. (I’ve been on both sides of that one, and it’s just a real strain.)
I of course can’t say for sure, but this might be where you’ve seen the guys you’ve dated going for the “less complicated females.” Honestly, it can be just too heartbreaking to care about someone who can’t accept themselves.
However, check THIS out. If you ARE ok with what and who you are, no matter what that is, it will do exactly the opposite of what we said above. It will:
- It will frustrate and turn away all the WRONG guys.
- It will attract the RIGHT guys.
The right guy will love you. For exactly what you are. I’m not making that up, it’s really true. He has to — it’s the only way that love ever works. And you don’t need to be cushioning the blow by keeping your situation from him until the “time is right” or whatever. I’m saying — he will love YOU. The real you. THIS you. The one that, you know, you actually ARE. NOW.
And the wrong guys, the shallow guys, the guys who are only interested in going for women who can’t stand the sight of themselves? They’ll have no use for you.
Pretty good deal, no?
CONCLUSION: IT’S ON YOU
If your baseline question is, “Could a man want me if I’m like THIS?” the answer is a resounding YES. Of course. The right guy isn’t interested in perfection, he’s interested in a real person. YOU. The question that I have is (man your barfbags, everyone) can you accept yourself as you are? Again, it’s not just some self-helpish jargon that you have to “love yourself before anyone else can love you.” It’s a very real, direct issue. When you believe yourself to be unlovable for any reason, men are going to have a much harder time getting past THAT than they are any of your other issues. And when you believe the opposite, well, the other stuff becomes much smaller.
Also, my blogpal Terry wrote a post called “Attraction Tips for the Physically Imperfect (which would be all of us).” You should check that out as well. Great info.
FINAL THOUGHT ON THE AUTISM
You know, dealing with autism seems to be a very hot topic these days, and so I got to thinking (always a dangerous idea for me.) I thought, “Maeve can’t even be the thousandth person to encounter this TODAY. Where are the web resources for this sort of thing?” Well, I Googled “autism dating” and got about a zillion results. In fact, online might be an EXCELLENT way for you to meet people. Reading your request, it seems very clear to me that you’re an articulate, self-aware, charming person. Since it seems like in-person meetings might be a little stressful for you at first, well hey — that’s what the web is for!
Good luck, Maeve. I know there are plenty of people in the world who can see past far, far more than what you’re talking about. Your mission: Become one of them!
What do you think, miladies? Are there men out there than can see past Maeve’s stuff to the caramel center? (Everyone has one of those, don’t they? I’m not a biologist, you understand.)
…
(full text of Maeve’s request follows)
Hi Jeff,
Hopefully you don’t mind me asking several questions, because to me they are all linked. I have several problems that are obstacles in attracting and keeping men, and I would really like to hear ( I mean read) your opinion on them.
Four of my biggest problems are autism, kp: ketosis pilaris or chicken bumps skin, hirsutism which is too much hairs in all the wrong places, and an intolerance to makeup.
The intolerance to make up means I cannot wear makeup because my skin cannot bear it, not even the hypo allergenic products. But with all dating advise all you ever hear is to put on a little makeup, even if its just some mascara and lipstick, to boost confidence and to appear just that little bit more attractive to men.
Can’t men be attracted to you despite the fact that you don’t wear makeup and therefore display your skin with all it’s blemishes?
Now if it’s just normal blemishes I think I’d get over it, but there’s more. I also have kp which means that the skin affected by it looks like you have permanent chicken bumps, only it looks very red, inflamed, and feels rough and scaly. In my case I have it from chin and neck to arms and wrists, back and buttocks, thighs and legs, and worst of all: even on my belly and breasts. My skin looks disfigured, and feels worse. It looks as if I have countless tiny, inflamed scars and wounds. And it feels as if I never washed or scrubbed my skin in my life. This causes me to much dislike wearing clothes that reveal even the tiniest bit of the affected areas, so I am always covered from practically head to toe, which is very unsexy, and can’t really help when it comes to looking attractive to men I think. It also causes me to be terrified of being close to men, or being intimate. The products available for people who have this sometimes soothe the skin a bit, make it a bit softer, but it
still looks and feels horrible.
How does this affect my chances with men, especially combined with being prevented from wearing make up? Is there a chance one might look past this? And what about intimacy? I can’t imagine any man, no matter how turned on he is, to not be turned off by the look and feel of the kp. What do I do? Do I tell them this in advance? Do I let them discover it on their own? How is a woman supposed to deal with this when it comes to dating and relationships?
Same questions for the hirsutism: hairs everywhere. Shaving leaves stubbles, waxing inflames my skin so much that even the touch of my clothes against my skin feels like it burns, and laser and light therapy haven’t proven to be particularly effective, nor can I afford anymore as I am in debt because of those treatments. No make up, scaly and bumpy skin, plus hairs everywhere they shouldn’t be
Now the fourth, and to me the biggest problem. The first free I feel might perhaps be solved or lessened should I ever win the lottery and be able to throw money at the problems. But this one doesn’t go away.
I have a form of autism. A mild one, but it still complicates things enough for me that it is a big obstacle. When having to do something involving leaving my home or socialising with people or doing a job, I get sick because of nerves before it happens, while it’s happening I constantly feel ill an have to work real hard at trying to hold on and see it through, and when it is over I have migraines and other things that keep me ill and exhausted for, if I’m lucky merely hours, but usually days, sometimes even one or more weeks after the event. This means that it is difficult for me to meet people, to strike up or reply or maintain conversations, to maintain contacts or friendships or relationships etc etc. And when I do have a friendship or relationship those often fail because I have such difficulty with social events, going out, birthdays, meeting friends of friends, meeting family, and so on. This autism thing has been discovered just a couple of years ago, and although I did
have difficulty with it, I was living a relatively normal life, utterly convinced that everybody had similar issues yet was better at hiding it and dealing with it than I was. Unfortunately I now know of it and although it is good to know why certain things are so difficult for me, I sometimes wish it was never discovered because now I am presented with a dilemma whenever I do have the luck that men look past my other problems. Do I tell them when getting to know them, or when things are getting a bit more serious, or when things are serious? At what point do you tell a man what it is you have, what it means for your everyday life, and, how and when do you bring up the subject that this is something that can be passed on to children which means that should things become really serious if I should ever be so lucky again, that you either take the risk of having children with autism, or have none at all?
Some of these problems are very very obvious and I have managed to get myself a couple of boyfriends despite these problems. But in the end it always proves to be too much for them, and they leave me for less complicated females. Now I realise that you cannot possibly have the perfect solution to everything, being a mere mortal being, but I would at least like to hear how you think you, or other men, would react to and deal with such things, and how you think I should deal with them.
In the meantime this isn’t a couple of questions anymore but the prologue of a novel it seems, sorry, but I wouldn;t know how to make this any shorter than it is.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you can give me some advise or insight.
Posted: November 27th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Loiralei
Time November 27, 2007 at 12:52 pm
I don’t know how old/young you are but believe it or not these insecure, crippling feelings will get easier to deal with the passage of time if you want it to. Its human nature to feel insecure with problems and imperfections and you have to bear with more than most so you must be stronger than most. When I was young starting with my teens – late 30′s, I was very insecure for various physical, mental and emotional reasons. I felt physically ill meeting people most of the time, going to work with a group, or having to be a participant of any kind. I would get up and literally run out because I felt the walls closing in and thought I would die right there if I didn’t get out now. I’d fail classes rather than get up in front of one to make a book report or speech. I’d hide in the bathroom during lunch if I had no one to spend it with. I couldn’t eat in front of people or even in a restaurant because it was too embarrassing or I thought they looked at me and thought I was too fat already or a pig or weird looking or whatever. I couldn’t go to a party or even a gathering with strangers involved most times it was way too overwhelming. I thought everyone was better than me at everything. Yet somehow little by little through the years there were people that saw past those crippling insecurities and liked or loved me for just the soul that I was. And that will happen to you too. You are unique. There has never been nor will there ever be another soul just like you and I think inately the right people, the good ones are drawn to your souls beauty even if secretly you don’t feel beautiful or worthy at all of their attention or love. Physical beauty only goes so far even the most beautiful can be so ugly and vise versa. Life beats us up in many ways. And no one is really immune even though it seems like some are. You have more than your share of problems but like a piece of coal going through the fire to make a diamond you will be able to give and help others someday with your knowledge and wisdom on this even if its just a simple word to them to help them along the way. Its your curse and your gift. The older you get the more relaxed you will be in this battlefield of life and in your own skin. Trust me, stay positive and it will get easier. And because your affliction will bring greater symphony and understanding of life and all in it you have a lot more to give than the normal “perfect” person who is a lot of the time, basically a shallow or self involved bore and not much substance to them when it gets down to it. Be strong. Like that song by Christine Aguilera says, “You are beautiful no matter what they say, you can’t bring me down – don’t you bring me down today.”
Comment from Sassy
Time November 27, 2007 at 5:42 pm
I’m not sure I can add more than Jeff, Shelby or Loiralei since they all wrote so elquently, but I can say that life is a journey and if you decide to take the positive route, it will be a smoother walk. Know that there are good people out there rooting for you!
Comment from Writesome
Time November 27, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Jeff, that’s some pretty incredible stuff for a mere mortal.
Comment from Shelby
Time November 27, 2007 at 8:18 pm
Maeve, this is Shelby again. Listen, this is not my business but your story really struck a chord with me and long story short, have you been tested for Cushing’s Syndrome? My ex husband is an MD and your symptoms sound suspiciously like Cuching’s. It’s rare. Some are misdiagnosed and even go for YEARS without being properly diagnosed. A family care specialist can order a test. This is very treatable. I realize you’ve probably been to countless doctors already, but I hope this helps. I wish you the best.
Comment from Susan
Time November 27, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Maeve, I thought about your letter and this post on and off all day. I wanted to respond earlier, but didn’t want to sound trite. So, for the 1/100th of a cent that this may be worth I wanted to share 3 thoughts with you:
1. My friend and neighbor was in a bad car wreck when she was around 19 (before I met her). As a result, she lost her right eye and suffered scarring on her face. She is a pretty, outgoing, smart and daffingly lovable person who has an artificial eye that is very noticeable and damage to the skin around it. Earlier this year she was commenting to me that dating was hard, especially online dating or blind dates, because she wasn’t sure when to tell a guy about her eye — should she make him wait until meeting in person and see how he reacts (“probably squirm and pretend like he didn’t notice”) or tell him up front. She decided one day to tell a guy she had been communicating with b/f they met. After frantically calling him, leaving messages, etc. b/c she had gotten so worked up over telling him before they met, she got a hold of him and told him. His response: “well, as long as you don’t take it out and roll it around in your spaghetti I don’t think I’ll mind.” (I thought I would marry him on the spot just for that response!) P.S. Things with Spaghetti Boy didn’t work out, but last weekend she got married to a man she met shortly thereafter.
2. One of the things that struck me in your letter was how your autism diagnosis has been both a blessing and a curse. It sounds like you have even more anxiety now that you know about it, which likely is accelerating or exacerbating the symptoms you had before. As Shelby said, none of my beeswax, but would you consider (or have you considered) seeing someone to help treat anxiety — or just someone to offer an objective, practical sounding board on strategies to deal with some of your symptoms? this might be something you have already done, but, if not, may be an option for you.
3. Finally your last comment about writing a prologue for a novel made me chuckle and think for a moment. (Like Jeff said above, watch out when this happens!). As someone who has used her experiences as the basis of a novel, let me offer this:
If you were to write a novel I suspect you might be tempted to make your protagonist a little different from how you see yourself. Perhaps a little more “conventionally pretty,” or maybe even a beautiful Jessica [pick: Simpson, Biel, Alba, Rabbit]. I mean, who doesn’t want to do that in reality or fiction?! But in every story worth reading the heroine has problems. Every protagonist has flaws – real and perceived. Your leading lady probably would do a few stupid things in the story — because all stories that people can relate to involve human faults, flaws and emotions. The thing is, I have a feeling your protagonist would conquer a fear or two (or more) and show courage throughout her story. She’d end up in a better place at the end than where she started — with or without a leading man by her side. I guess what I’m trying to write is that your “story” is different in certain ways than some of ours, but probably not as different as you think. I guarantee that your “novel” is one worth working on and you have a lot of us rooting for you…for what it’s worth.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 28, 2007 at 7:51 am
I just want to thank all of you for sharing this stuff. Very generous of you to lend a hand to Maeve here. Thanks so much for the assist!
Comment from Wilmo
Time November 28, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Hi,You may want to check out this link on nutrition , pollution and choices you have, there is some great info for all of us in there:
articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2007/07/11/how-to-supercharge-your-immune-system.aspx
Also, maybe try some EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Youtube has free instructions on it and there are many good practioners out there to get you started. I find EFT incredibly effective and gentle, maybe I should use it to improve my spelling? 
Good luck
Comment from Honesty
Time November 28, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Your social anxiety doesn’t sound like autism to me–doctors often pick convenient labels when they don’t understand something. It sounds like you are what’s call a Sensitive, or empath. The reason you get so anxious is because you pick up on much of the anxiety etc that’s all around you. We live in a fear-based world, and it’s not easy for a sensitive to live here and stay grounded and positive without having psychic protection. I highly suggest you check the following site for assistance. I deal with this issue myself, so I know what it’s like, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your skin problems weren’t manifestations of dealing with all the psychic stuff you absorb because you haven’t learned how to deal with it yet. Here is a great site that offers audios on Psychic Self Defense for the sensitive—please check it out. Good Luck to you! http://www.energeticsynthesis.com/esc/products.php?category_id=51
Comment from Maeve
Time November 28, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Wow, what a lot of advice!
Jeff, I hadn’t expected someone to actually try and answer this so thank you for taking me seriously and being so detailed in your reply lol.
Shelby, thank you for sharing your story. I hope I can learn to be as confident as you are. And I’ve never heard of Cushing’s Syndrome but I’ll ask my doctor about it, just in case.
Loiralei, what you describe is part of what I have too. Not exactly the same, but similar. It is a fight to just cross my doorstep, but I’ll be strong
Sassy, thanks, that is good to know!
Susan, maybe I should go write that “novel” and see what happens if I let the worries go and let creativity flow, thank you!
Wilmo, someone else also suggested this today, so I will certainly follow up on it, thanks
And Honesty, that has never occured to me but I’ll check out the link
And Jeff, sorry if I burst your bubble of belief in being more than “mere mortal” lol, that was not my intention ^^
Thank you all, I already feel much better
Comment from Jennifer Platt
Time November 28, 2007 at 9:20 pm
I hear you, Maeve! And I’m glad the other respondant gave me an introduction with this: I know that EFT can help you.
The turmoil from all the issues will be addressed, and you’ll feel a sense of harmony. Over time, if you use the EFT tapping on yourself, you’ll calm the symptoms of the autism you describe. No gaurantees on the hair or skin physical symptoms, but with the stress lessened and softened, many sensitivities you describe will subside and you’ll have options the rest of us use like crazy to fit into this hairless, airbrushed world, or you’ll choose not to and feel great about that decision.
I do EFT. I’m a practitioner, and take clients, and I’ve been using it myself on myself for years, on everything. For clients I’ve worked with severe fears of flying, depression, anxiety, pain, migraines, speech impediments, addictions, trauma, including incest and ptsd, body numbness, injuries, emotional upset, financial difficulties, to improve performance, and more.
It’s effective over the phone, if we don’t live near each other and you want to try a session.
The EFT website has many articles, on everything you can imagine. There you’re free to download the manual, which tells you the steps, so you can learn the protocol and do it on yourself.
Check it out. I do recommend that people work with a good EFT practitioner though, at least for the harshest or most stuck issues
A good EFT practitioner can help you through the blindspots you have. From your letter to Jeff, for instance, I hear issues under the issues, even though you didn’t consciously articulate them. I would tune into these and we’d speak them out, as you tap, and you’ll be amazed at how free you become.
Isn’t loving ourselves a life time of work? Confidence ebbs and flows. In the meantime, we want some companionship and wonder if we’re good enough to have it. We have issues of self-love, love from the other sex, or the desired sex, from our parents, society, and even issues of whether we’re loved by God (whatever our ideal of God is.) On top of all that, we want to give love too, and back we go to the cycle of worth and acceptance.
I’m finding that love is a lifetime practice, with frequent tuning along the way.
EFT has been a good tool for that tuning.
If you’d like to hear more about the EFT, I’ll be happy to do a half hour free consultation, and you can decide whether it sounds like something you’d enjoy.
With best regards,
Jennifer
aeonfilms@earthlink.net
Comment from Jennifer Platt
Time November 28, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Hey, to everyone there, I just remembered another EFT victory–that might be pertinent to this website.
While having dinner with a friend a few years back, she began to recount how she hadn’t had any romance for years, because her dad was such a curmudgeon that he never accepted her boyfriends.
Now, with EFT, it’s easier for me to just whip out a few quick rounds than it is for me to hear people gripe or solidify their limitting beliefs by repeating them with conviction to me.
So, I offered to do EFT with her. She was game. In ten minutes, at the restaurant, we did it. Some of it was very deep–as her dad was dying, and her mother had died years before. She cried. No one noticed. We did a few rounds. Her face lightened, she resumed eating.
Afterwards, we went outside, and she was remarking on how beautiful everything was–even the tired old red bricks of the apartment buildings.
Within a month she started dating again. Within three months she had met a man who she was very happy about. Within a year they were engaged, traveling the world, and now they’re happily married.
It was one of the EFT wonderworks. She did personal work too, and this came at the end and just loosened the final ties to limitting beliefs, then the world was opened, or her perception of it was.
Again, it was in addressing the blindspots that we got to things she hadn’t been able to surmount herself earlier.
It was profound to see the rapid, positive, permanent changes that happened after the way was cleared, as if helpers had just been waiting for her to get out of her own way so they could give her all those good things to enjoy life with.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 28, 2007 at 9:51 pm
Again, thanks so much to everybody who wrote in with tips, theories, and support!
And Maeve, my pleasure!
Comment from bhd
Time December 19, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Dear Jeff, Maeve:
I am impressed by the great advise and responses. Jeff, you are a really, really sound person..
I have a disability. I was injured at 22 years old by a drunken driver. I have great difficulty walking and my body is full of scars and a bit weird (OK, deformed) in some places. There is other stuff, but you get the idea. I am also pretty and fun. These are objective facts, tried and tested.
Jeff is 100% right, more than 100% right about the impact of how you feel about yourself will have in your relationships, and in the type of men you will meet. I wish I had received such advise when I was young.
After 10 years of dating post-injury, I have had all types of boyfriends. But the truth is that I was not lucky in love until I was able through counselling to love myself and my body. Inmediately after I reached that stage, out of the blue, I met a handsome, intelligent, comitted guy who just does not give a sh*t about any of the stuff that troubles me. HE REALLY DOES NOT. We live together and are very happy…
Jeff is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about men wanting to fix things. The more I am upset about not looking perfect in a bikini, or having to use a wheelchair sometimes, the more he gets restless and feels like he is not doing enough to make me happy. So, I just try to chill out and be happy..
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 20, 2007 at 7:31 am
bhd: Thanks so much for stopping by and telling your tale. So great that you were able to get your head together about your body, and then find the guy who loves both of them! (I love that the fact that you are “pretty and fun” are objective facts, tried and tested. Just so you know, I’m picturing everyone wearing white lab coats, hardhats and safety goggles during the testing.)
Comment from bhd
Time December 20, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Jeff, that is soo funny, because I am a PhD student..!! (lab coat included)
Thanks to YOU.
Comment from Recri
Time March 24, 2009 at 11:44 am
Maeve you’re not alone. I have ketosis pilaris as well but only on my arms. i recommend you use Palmer’s Cocoa Butter. The results are truly amazing.
Comment from Shelby
Time November 27, 2007 at 9:41 am
Maeve, you sound very articulate and cohesive. I would think that your autism is a very, VERY mild case. And although I am not you or your doctor, I believe that if I were speaking with you in person, I wouldn’t even notice that you have this in the first place. Further, I was in a car accident in 1991. It was so horrible that I was severely disfigured. And when I tell you this, I mean that your condition pales in comparison. I am not kidding. I realize you deal with your skin condition but my situation effected my face so severely that I was in bandages and flesh colored Band-Aids were a part of my make-up routine every day! And although I’ve had plenty of work done, I still have scaring. But here’s some good news: during my Band-Aid days and doctor days, I had to develop serious self-confidence. And while I still attended college looking in my mind like Freddy Kreuger, I was still approached by men and had several really nice relationships. And they were very nice guys. They were attracted to my personality and confidence. Which was very hard for me when people came up to me between classes and asked what the heck had happened to me and why would I still go to school, etc. I was scary looking, you see. But I continued to meet nice people and nice men and these people saw me for my character. I still have some scaring but I’m for the most part back to normal. But the emotional scars of dealing with what I did still remain. But this built character and taught me much about the character of others. Jeff is correct. There ARE men who will see beyond your situation. I also know a girl who is albino and is legally blind. She’s now married with children and is very happy. I know it’s difficult for you, but I promise you that you WILL meet someone wonderful! And Jeff is 100% right.