How to Show a Guy She Trusts Him Again?
We’ve got a message from a young woman calling herself “Deee” who has/had a problem trusting her man. But now that she’s trusting him more, she wants to show him, and to mend his hurt in the process. Can she? Let’s see what’s what. Dee writes:
Hi Jeff,
Currently, I’m in a relationship with a man 2 years younger than me. He’s 21 this year. This is our first relationship, and so, there are many things that we’re figuring out as time passes. So far, its been about 2 months.
Recently, he told me that before we started this relationship, while we were still dating, he got to know this other woman. They’ve been keeping in contact via emails and IM. He told me that he thinks this woman is interested in him, and when I asked him if she was aware that he is already in a relationship, he replied she did not know. He said that he did not know how to break the news to her, without hurting her feelings. And he took close to 7 weeks into our relationship to tell me this. Part of the reason why he told me about her was because there was an event that he asked me to go to, and she would be there too. He said he did not dare to tell me about it because he was afraid of how I would react to it.
I did ask him to tell me honestly if a part of him does like the other woman, and that I’ll be cool with the answer as long as it was the truth. He was silent, and told me he did not like the other woman. And, the subsequent weeks thereafter, he tried to show me that i’m the only one he likes by introducing me to his friends, reassuring me with words of affirmation, affectionate gestures etc.
The thing is, I found out that he is really hurt by the fact that I doubt him, and cannot really trust him after this. Tried explaining to him that I feel conflicted. Gut feeling tells me he’s trustable, but I feel scared to fully trust that easily again. He almost teared up, and now, I need your help.
How can I show that I’m trusting him more, and how can I mend his hurt? And, can you roughly tell me how guys in general show that they are really committed in a relationship?
Thank you! =)
Dear Deee,
First off, here’s a thing you should know about young guys. (And to a SLIGHTLY lesser extent, all guys.) They are completely terrified to upset any women, will do anything to avoid being the bad guy. Period. I’m not sure what this is about, exactly. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t seem like he had any real interest in that woman. Sounds like he likes YOU, but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, but ALSO doesn’t want to make YOU mad about trying not to hurt her feelings. Seems like he thinks he’s walking through a minefield of potentially upset women.
Whew. That’s a lot of worrying. But pretty common.
HOW TO SHOW YOU’RE TRUSTING HIM MORE AND MEND HIS HURT?
Well, before we answer that, we should answer this: ARE you trusting him more? Seems to me that you’re not sure. And if that’s the case, there’s nothing you can do to show him that you’re trusting him more. Because, you know, you’re NOT. (Simple math, everyone. Hope I didn’t just blow anybody’s mind.)
Seriously, if you don’t trust him, don’t tell him you DO just to ease his hurt. Because either he’ll believe you (and be hurt more when he finds out) or he will NOT believe you (and be hurt more when he knows you’re not being honest.)
But here’s the thing. If you ARE trusting him more, only he can tell you what you can do to show him that. There’s no one way. For some guys it might be to introduce him to all your friends as your “boyfriend.” For some guys, that would feel possessive and weird. There’s no skeleton key into every man on this. (Personally, I’d avoid using any kind of a key on a person anyway. But hey, I was raised in Connecticut.)
So, how do you find out what he needs from you? Ask HIM. Tell him, “Look, I know that it hurt when I was having a hard time trusting you. But I want you to know that I do. I trust you, and I don’t want you to feel hurt by that anymore. Tell me what I can do.” Just asking that will likely get a conversation going, which will likely do more to start the healing than anything I could tell you.
HOW DO GUYS SHOW THAT THEY ARE COMMITTED?
For a guy, commitment is NOT usually very abstract. Commitment means that he wants to spend time with you. As much as he can. That’s pretty direct, right? And it sounds like he’s trying to show you that he’s committed in that way.
Another thing that a committed guy will do (but a non-committal guy often will not) is related to his behavior toward you in public. As in, he’s not afraid for anyone and everyone to know that he’s with you. I’m not talking about public display of affection (which freaks out some guys because they think it seems sort of sissy.) I’m just talking about making it a publicly known fact that you’re together. Now, obviously, his original behavior flies in the face of that. But I think we’ve established that he was doing some major (and probably unnecessary) tiptoeing there.
A non-committal guy won’t want strangers to see you together for fear of scaring off any other potential women. Or rather…women who he might potentially want to be WITH. (I guess the only “potential women” would be pre-op transsexuals. Or just single cells in human bodies prior to gestation. Which…if he’s concerned with these opinions, we’ve probably moved past the scope of your original questions.)
Good luck, Deee! I think the key is to know if you WANT to get past this. If you do, and you let him know that you do, you’ll find the way together. That’s the only way.
Oh, Ladies! How can Deee heal her man’s hurt? And how have YOUR men shown that they are committed. Or NOT committed?
Posted: November 28th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from cuda
Time November 28, 2007 at 3:30 pm
I second that!
The only resason why he even brought it up, is because the other women is also going to be at the event.
So is he going to introduce then to each other at the event?
Comment from Mimsie
Time November 28, 2007 at 4:35 pm
I think the definitional dichotomy here is that trust is not GIVEN… It’s EARNED. He cannot ASK for trust and she cannot GIVE trust. He must EARN trust and she either trusts or does not trust.
On a lighter note, Jeff’s hit a high water mark for me. My LOL quotient was very high for this article. Nice with the “pre-op transsexuals. Or just single cells in human bodies prior to gestation.”
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 28, 2007 at 9:55 pm
JustMeAgain: I agree with you — she can’t really do anything other than be straight with him, and see where that takes them. (And yes, it’s rough to remember how painful all of these lessons came, isn’t it!)
cuda: Yeah, I was wondering about that myself. What was the plan here, fella?
Mimsie: Yep — she can’t show him she trusts him more unless she DOES, in which case she sort of won’t have to worry about it, right?
Comment from mar
Time December 13, 2007 at 1:13 am
I second JustMeAgain and Mimsie. How come this guy has become the poor soul that needs consolation in Deee’s eyes is a mistery to me…
With others, I say one has to earn trust, and if he is SOOO hurt, then… well, that suggests that he is just feeling guilty, because he knows he has done something bad. If he has apologized for that, and Deee is happy with that, then that should be it. End of story. And if he wants to correct himself, then he should just stay trustworthy…
In my view, there is no reason why Deee should have to show to him that she trusts him. He just have to act in ways that build that trust. Period.
But, in the end, we are talking about very young people, and this is very well reflected in this story, isn’t it? They are new to the game of love, and they still have to learn the lessons. Well, so be it.
Jeff, I really have enjoyed reading about signs to identify committed and non-commital guys. It’s a very simple lesson, which I already knew, but one does forget these things on occassions… The story is that I recently splitted up with a guy, after 5 months relationship, where he said he loved me, and I believed that. But after splitting up I started to wonder about that, and now I believe he didn’t. It’s a long story, and the details don’t matter here. The only thing I want to tell you is that this guy didn’t make all those public displays of affection in public that you mention above, and when socializing he tended to show a lot more interest in talking to new people (which is not a bad thing in itself) and never attempted to include me in those conversations. So I think what you say above about this is just spot-on. Thank you 
(I’m becoming a very loyal reader!)
Comment from mar
Time December 13, 2007 at 1:19 am
(Note: I meant to say above that showing interest in new people is not a bad thing in itself, BUT to completely forget about me when he was talking to new people and make no attempt to include me in those conversations was actually the rule, rather than the exception, and it felt that he forgot about me rather easily and quickly… I was the centre of attention when we were alone, but as soon as we were with other people he seemed to completely forget about me. In short, he wasn’t showing commitment in public.)
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 13, 2007 at 7:38 am
mar: Thanks for the loyal readership! (And interesting analysis. If he feels so bad, maybe there’s something in there that he knows he did wrong. Hm….)
Comment from Sarah
Time April 14, 2009 at 9:20 am
I agree… I had to end a relationship because I could not bring myself to trust him 100% even though I thought I did, my actions showed otherwise!
He will only belive that you trust him if you show it…
I recently overcame all of my jealousy issues and we are back together and happier than before… I recently got a tattoo that says TRUST over my heart… well under my boob
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 14, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Dear Sarah!
I love that SweetIdea…tattoo one’s guidingLight; envisoning Left, InnerThigh!
Ahhh…Cheers!
Comment from Grayson
Time October 5, 2009 at 1:00 am
okay so ive liked this guy named elliot since gr 8 and he has liked me too i was too afraid to talk to him in person at first but that changed in gr 11 it was a natural connection eveything felt so right so we showed PDA all the time but we have never really asked “will you date me ” and then just not too long ago we got into a fight and he sent me a text saying “we need to stop w.e it is we are doing i like wayy to much and you obviously cant trust me yet”
okay 1; the arguement i did make it seem like i didnt trust him but i do
2; what does he mean by he likes me way too much
and also now when we text er w.e it just isnt the same
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 5, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Dear Ms. Grayson,
…step into some pastels!
Meaning: Throw *texting* overboard and get both faces in the same time/space.
Face-to-Face contact can work wonders, and wonderfully! Your “connection” needs some fertilizer. Sprinkles of honesty help connections feel “right”!
Express your feelings, and ask for his! Better steering happens easier on the right boat! Almost any argument can be a tiny pebble on the beach. Be Hopeful!
…..Happy LoveSail!
Comment from Just Me Again
Time November 28, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Am I missing something? I don’t think she needs to *do* anything other than be honest.
Why does he get to act like the injured party? He hurt her and now he needs *his* hurt healed? Sorry, I don’t think so. He’s the one who misrepresented the situation. He tried to play both sides of the fence and got caught. He’s the only one who can manage his alleged pain. I think he might be learning that he gets lots of kisses and pats by playing injured. Bad habit to start.
Lesson #1 if you want to be exclusive with someone, keeping someone else on the other line is not allowed, no matter what the rationalization is.
Also sounds like he needs to learn that it takes a l-o-n-g time to regain trust once violated. Just the way things are, sweetie. Like respect, you have to earn it. And work to keep it.
This is what happens when youngsters start moving into adulthood… they have to learn all of these things the hard way.
Sigh. Bloody painful to watch.