A Long-Distance, Longtime Relationship…can it be for realsies?
Well, today we’ve got a long distance relationship. That lasted a long time. Through several of his other girlfriends. Francine is wondering if this guy can be serious about her. I’m wondering that myself. Can we do anything more than wonder? I wonder…
Let’s find out — Francine writes:
This guy I have been friends with the past 3 years (share same hobby) has always kept contact with me. We live a country and east-west apart (very long-distance). Anyway meet face to face for the first time at a hobby event and about 3 months later his contact was that he broke up with his live-in girlfriend and would call and talk hobby shop. A few months later he seemed to get serious and want a bit more than just a “friendship”.
Anyway this kind of progressed over several months. He never said specifically but I knew that he was re-establishing his relationship, I was okay with that and after all there was this big distance anyway. He would continue to call and talk hobby and that was okay but when he would start to talk about his relationship, I would basically tell him that should not be discussing this with me just talk hobby or better that he not call.
We met again at another hobby event about a year later and all was cool and very platonic. The phone calls after the event started again big time. For a period we discussed the hobby stuff and then he started to try and take it to a different level. Again I verified that he was still with his girlfriend and made sure to stop his interactions. Contact stopped for a while (2 months) and then later started again slowly at first about the hobby and then dropped the message that he is now split for good with his girlfriend. Since then he has not stopped calling, and even went so far as to bring up stuff that we get along so well that we should get married. Of course most if not all of our interactions have been via phone conversations. I guess you could call it phone dating (most days of the week and for 1-4 hour periods).
Anyway I have known him for several years and knew about his live in girlfriends over that time, when he first talked with me during his first split he said he would never get married. But now in such a short time he seems to be pushing “me” and always talking about marriage….can he be serious now?
If anything there was a tiny deception on his part at a point when he was getting back with is ex…maybe that is what has me a little worried. Any insight? Thanks
Dear Francine,
A couple of things jump out at me here.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
In all of what you’ve written, I haven’t seen much of an indication of your specific interest in HIM. Mostly, from what you’ve said, you’ve been perfectly willing to discuss your hobby with him and leave it at that. (For the purpose of writing my response, by the way, I’m picturing you both as owners/handlers of show-ferrets. I saw a really funny documentary about that one time.)
So just FYI, I’m not sure what you really think about HIM. But let’s analyze his behavior. Wants something more from you, he says. He says this while moving in with someone else, living with someone else, breaking up and getting back together with someone else. Sounds to me like this guy is terrified to be without a woman.
“TINY” DECEPTION
Now, here’s the thing about the “tiny deception” when he was getting back together with his ex. See, because he lives so far away from you, you only ever know what he tells you. So, in fact, you have no real way of knowing WHAT is true and what isn’t about this guy. This deception could be far less tiny than you think.
Plus, even if it was only a “tiny deception” from your perspective, uh, what about his ex? HUGE deceptions to her, evidently, even during the time when he was getting back together with her. Not a great endorsement of his believability. And, of course, he couldn’t have been very committed to YOU either, or how could he be moving in with these women? So he’s obviously a convincing liar — he certainly fooled several women — and those are just the ones that you KNOW about.
MANSLATIONS VERDICT: DOUBTFUL…BUT REALLY THERE’S INSUFFICENT DATA (for me or for you.)
There’s just no way to trust that he’s serious. The two of you have only ever spoken on the phone, really. With a relationship like that, it could be that:
- You guys really DO like each other and want to be together
- You guys are projecting what you want to see onto the other one because it’s easy to fantasize when you’re not really spending any time actually together.
- One of you is #1 and one of you is #2.
Is it POSSIBLE that he’s serious? Sure. Anything’s possible. It’s possible that he’s a space alien who came to Earth to research the affects of corn on his species. (Hint: if it does to your people what it does to us, look into stretch waistband pants, ok?) And it’s also very possible that he’s, you know, neither an alien NOR serious about marrying you. The point is that right now, I don’t know how you’d be able to trust him.
Look, maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I’m thinking that all of your telephone conversations, many of which were during his other relationships, might not be a strong enough foundation upon which to base a marriage decision, you know?
And the fact that he’s this impulsive doesn’t make him sound passionate or romantic to me. They make him sound like he’s playing a game of musical chairs, and he’s terrified that the music will stop and he’ll be the one without the chair. Don’t be that chair.
That will be my second book. Don’t Be That Chair, by Jeff Mac. Look for it in bookstores everywhere. (Or just look at ONE store. You don’t really have to look everywhere if you don’t want to. I’m not trying to give you extra chores.)
I think you’re not going to know any more than you know NOW unless you are somehow able to spend some REAL time together instead of just a hobby event (for my imagining purposes, a ferret costume ball). You’d need the following 2 things to be true:
- You are in the same city at the same time for a significant period of time.
- Neither of you is involved with anyone else. At all. And not getting back together with them, or almost involved with an ex. And not calling other women. Nothing.
Even then, how will you know? As it is, I have a hard time believing that he’s any more serious about you now than he was about those ex girlfriends with whom he was living when he started calling you. What’s to say that he’s not talking with other women NOW, even as he’s discussing marriage with you?
Good luck, Francine. I’m sorry this is so negative, but from where I’m sitting it seems pretty doubtful. (And I don’t think you would have written if you didn’t suspect the same.) But if you think there might be a reason to trust him, I think you need WAY more information to be sure.
What say you, ladies? Is there any way our ferret lover can know where this guy’s at? And what do YOU think of ferret-related events?
Posted: November 29th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Susan
Time November 29, 2007 at 10:06 am
Sorry, somehow some of my edits didn’t make it into my comment — maybe I dreamed typing them? I meant to say that he told me about the first wife but declined to mention the second (current) wife — as well as 2 add’l children.
Comment from Loiralei
Time November 29, 2007 at 12:32 pm
I agree with Jeff. I had a boyfriend recently like this. Lead me to believe we were exclusive but he had several women lined up on the side – like side dishes. When we split he tried to revive me as a side dish. No one is really the main course here. Everyone ends up hungry. He can’t be without a backup. Some women are like this too. Its obviously an insecurity that manifests itself as cheating one way or the other. The first time you do something he doesn’t like he soothes himself and gets revenge by contacting the others. Flipflop.
Comment from Shelby
Time November 29, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Jeff is right. I get a “foreigner” vibe from him. Like Middle Eastern. My first husband practiced in Dubai and every male in the country wanted to get married. To anyone. It was ridiculous. They’d find a friend and marry them tomorrow. Most women understood men’s urgency to marry (whatever reason it was) and they took their time. It was sort of the opposite way it is for the US. Here, women are hot to catch a husband. Over there, it was the men. What’s more, men from over there lie even when it behooves them to tell the truth. I also have to agree with Susan. This guy is a confirmed liar. If it were me, I’d forget him completely.
Comment from lanipai
Time November 29, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Did I miss something? I agree with Jeff and also ask…what do you want? I have not read how you feel about this guy, long distance or not. Maybe you should ask yourself….if he lived within a 5 mile radius of my home, would he be someone I would date? I say, start with that.
My childrens Father recently married a woman he met online. She lived on the east coast and he was on the west coast. Like you, the communication was phone calls, online and the like. They met maybe a half a dozen times in three years and suddenly…they’re married.
Within a couple days, this poor woman came to the staggering realization that the man she had married was not the man on the phone. Oh no, he was the real life jerk that has three kids by two different women (I have two and an older daughter from a prior relationship) which he has no contact with, doesn’t pay child support and is just an angry, lost soul. It is real easy to be someone else when your only contact is verbal.
I don’t know that anyone would be able to give you any insight as to what is up with this guy. Not even the guy himself.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time November 30, 2007 at 7:49 am
Susan: Sheesh. You’d think that all that lying would be so exhausting that you wouldn’t bother. What a tool.
Loiralei: Good point. Let’s focus on the steak and not the peas, people.
Shelby: Interesting take. That said, let’s not get Jeff Mac on a short list for a fatwa, shall we?
lanipai: Great question — if he lived down the street, where would this relationship be?
Comment from Susan
Time November 30, 2007 at 12:37 pm
To make matters worse: a) I still work with him… but it gives me pleasure that b) after months on and off of him trying to woo me back, ‘splaining his actions and why they weren’t so horrible (like “it was a lie, sure, but can’t we move past that” – huh? what does your wife say ’bout that?), I told him I’d moved on and strongly recommended he do the same. I also told him that if he wanted to seek absolution of his sins, he needed to stop yapping to me and talk to a shrink instead. Sheesh is right.
But I’m always professional. With a smile.
Comment from lanipai
Time November 30, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Susan, my darling! What size shoe do you wear beacuse I believe we are walking in the same expensive high heels. One day I will have to tell you about my lying SOB.
Jeff – I love your sight.
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 1, 2007 at 3:47 am
Shelby!
One cannot decide someone’s a juggler, by their nationality. PULLEASE. Every juggler I’ve come in contact with has been a pure, born, raised, and lived the life of yer basic AMERICAN Boy!!!!!
We’ve spoken of my “juggler”. I’ve known him for almost 32 years. We had a 12 to 13 year break from 20-32, married, had children with other people, but we were long distance “friends” for almost 4 years after we reconnected on Classmates.com. in 2000. He told me everything….at least, probably more than he told most. I was safe, far away, we grew up together on the same street, just friends….went
to elementary school, junior High, High School and 2 years of college together. I got divorced. His divorce was almost final when we actually saw each other again in Dec. 2003. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. I’ve never had and haven’t since, had a man treat me the way he did…….and now, as infrequent as it is, as he does now.
Just 2 problems….he lives far away and I finally found out in Sept. 2005, that he had quite a few of us all over the place.
In the beginning, I know he believes everything he says. I had 2 years. Now he pops in periodically…..e-mail or text usually.
Susan, that was exactly what I said when I received a text message, obviously not meant for me. “Isn’t this exhausting?There are only so many hours in a day and weekends in a month. Prettty soon….no one gets any time….and no one’s happy.” He agreed, but he cuts no one loose from the stable….they have to be the one to leave. Me of all of the people in his life should have known better. He convinced me he had changed. You know, It’s still hard to let go. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever really will. I haven’t actually seen him since my birthday in Feb. We talk. We email. When I didn’t answer the phone after 5 months of not hearing from him, he freaked and left a message about how he was so worried and concerned about me. If I didn’t call him, he was going to start calling people. Being the honest person I am, I called him and told him he might want to think about his reaction to my not answering 2 calls, when I hadn’t heard from him in 5 months. He said I was right. He just wasn’t used to me not behaving the way I always have in the past. I guess it’s good to shake him up once in a while. I’ve dated a lot of guys…………………barf. Most my age are twisted, psycho, or broken.
I know no one in a successful LD relationship, except 3 or 4 who met online, BUT one or the other moved within 4 months of meeting online. I thought they were insane, any minute it would be over. I knew it. I was wrong. 1-7 years now, they’re all still together, but the LD thing didn’t last that long. One or the other moved….and moved quick! I’m sure there are plenty of people for whom it works. I guess I’m saying, you can’t generalize. EVERY relationship is different. One person tells you that you can’t be yourself. Play games. Someone else will tell you something else. I won’t play games….unless they’re our games. uh huh! Truthfulness, honesty, be yourself, and if it doesn’t work out…it wasn’t meant to be.
Comment from mar
Time December 13, 2007 at 12:51 am
Dear Francine:
I too agree with Jeff. You have very little info to make a responsible choice. So, all of the above is just right.
I would nevertheless like to stress one of the points above by Jeff. He says that it might be the case that:
“You guys are projecting what you want to see onto the other one because it’s easy to fantasize when you’re not really spending any time actually together.”
I do not know whether is so or not, but I think it is very likely that that is the case. I think this is A VERY REAL DANGER in “long-distance relationships” between people who have spent a negligible amount of time together, no matter how many hours they have spent on the phone.
To really get to know somebody, you have got
(1) to spend REAL time with them,
(2) over a LONG period of time,
(3) and you’ve got to see them in DIFFERENT situations.
On the basis of this alone, I think to consider to marry him is completely nuts, no offence. And on top of that, you’ve got the other issue, whether he has been or can be loyal, as Jeff explains above
This is a no-no. You might consider ways for you to spend more time with him, and to get to know him, IF you are interested (which you don’t say), but to marry him???
Comment from Susan
Time November 29, 2007 at 10:03 am
Ferrets notwithstanding, Francine, I’m wtih Jeff on this. This guy seems to fall back into calling you when he’s bored/maybe sad/lonely, etc. Please don’t misunderstand — I’m sure you are lovely and he SHOULD want to talk to someone like you with similar interests, but my read is that you are a “safe/comfortable” atlernative than perhaps him dealing with his more immediate life. Also – wouldn’t YOU rather be with someone you can actually spend time with?
The other reason I wanted to respond is re: what Jeff said about the extent of this guy’s truthfulness. I once had a long distance phone/email/ and rare occasion in-person relationship with someone — a coworker in fact, who I “met” through a project. It was a relationship, as silly as that might sound, and HE was the one that kind of talked serious about it and future possibilities. Only a handful of people worked with him and we were keeping things quiet b/c it was through work that we met.After I broke it off (whatever “it” was) months later, I mentioned my relationship to a friend who knew one of the handful of people who knew him. It turns out that he was married — AND that he had done this once before (that we knew of). He had told me about the first wife and first set of children, but had declined to mention this to me. Not saying your guy would do this, but it is a real possiblity, believe me.