manslations

Here were are again. Just when you think there will be no more Fridays…um…there IS one. Is that how that saying goes? There’s NO saying? Well, who cares — it’s time for the Manslations News, lassies!

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CHINESE FIREMEN ASKED TO STOP TAKING SEX FOR BRIBES, STILL REQUIRED TO RUN AROUND CAR AT RED LIGHTS


Evidently it’s now against some kind of a regulation for a Chinese fireman to take a sex bribe. Look, everybody knows that the best reason to become a fireman or any of your other “hero” professions (besides doing “good” and being “awesome” and other things that make me envious) is the chance to woo the ladies, merely by wearing the outfit.

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: This is why all men secretly despise firemen. It’s because we know that you ladies look at firemen the same way that we look at…um…all women.)

China, come ON. You can’t just take that away. That would be like if Blackwater said that you weren’t allowed to shoot random strangers that displeased you. Recruiting would hit the toilet.

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VIDEO GAME BANNED IN SINGAPORE FOR LESBIAN SEX SCENE. JEFF MAC VOWS TO PURCHASE GAME…IN DEFENSE OF FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION, I’M SAYING…IT’S JUST FOR POLITICAL REASONS…SWEAR…

The government of Singapore briefly banned (but ultimately came to its senses and removed the ban) hit video game, “Mass Effect” because of a sex scene that plays out between the gamer’s character and a female character in the game. And if the player chooses to play the game as a female, well, the game suddenly goes from a B to an A-plus.

Why do men care so much about this? I think in some weird sense we’re still convinced that women merely tolerate sex. And if there are only 2 women there, well, I guess they MUST like it because they’re doing it, even though there’s no dude begging them.

Sad? Yes. Pathetic and juvenile? Sure. Changing soon? Not likely. Let’s move on. (However disappointed you are about the male mind on this subject, trust me, you don’t know the half of it.)

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GERMAN LANDLORD ARRESTED FOR SURVEILLING HIS TENANTS BATHROOM ROUTINES…JEFF MAC NERVOUS THAT HE WILL BE EXPOSED FOR SINGING A-HA’S “TAKE ON ME” IN SHOWER

Well, let’s lay off the Aussie pervs for a while, and go back to our other pervy pals in good old Germany. We have a landlord who, for a decade, has been checking in on his tenants via surveillance that he installed in their bathrooms.

Here’s the money quote from the article:

“Police suspect he had sexual motives.”

Suspect? Wow. Always one step ahead, eh Holmes?

But I’m glad they’re not jumping to conclusions. They should probably make sure he wasn’t doing it for purposes of…uhhh…trying to overhear them muttering their award-winning chili recipies? Hey, it’s just as likely. Ok, maybe only half as likely. Oh all right, the guy was whacking it, what do you want from me?

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SEX SCANDAL ROCKS MEGACHURCH BUT IT DOESN’T INVOLVE GAY SEX. WORLD SHOCKED.

Ah, the super-duper religious folk. How far they fall. And when they do, oh, how hilarious for those of us they dubbed “sinners.”

Seems that an 80-year-old minister fathered a child with his brother’s wife. Said the minister, “Hey, I tried something, ok? Look, it sounded like some of that weird ‘begat’ stuff early in the Bible. Plus, honestly, I only skimmed that ‘brother’s keeper’ stuff, and I may have misread it. What do you want from me?”

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Some of that quote may have been paraphrased.)

Interestingly, this might open the hornier-than-thou pastor up to perjury charges, as the fact of THIS sexual affair goes against testimony that he gave in the trial for one of his earlier sex scandals. That’s scandal-S, plural. That one was the time when he manipulated a parishoner into sex, saying that it was her only path to salvation.

Hey Rev, I think you just misread the job description. It’s “Salvation” not “Salivation.” BOOM! (See how I did that? Took one word? Put it near a totally different word. HELLL-oooo!)

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Well, there we are. Another week down the tubes, people. Have a great weekend, and keep those questions a-comin’. I’ve been getting some GREAT ones, and I’ll be back answering more of ‘em next week!