Why the Whoa After so Much Giddy-up?
Welcome back to another week of Manslations, people. We kick off the week with a request from frequent commenter, Sassy, who has a guy who shifted gears so quickly, he’s going to do something bad to the transmission (I don’t know cars.) Let’s see what we can figure out. Sassy writes:
Hi Jeff,
So there’s a guy. 45 yrs old to my 46. We date. He says he loves me. I’m cautious. We wait 30 days to get at all physical because I’m overwhelmed by his attentions. There are LOTS of differences and challenges. He talks about us moving in together. Introduces me to his children. I start to fall in love and shift into girlfriend mode. Then, seemingly out of the blue, he says he’s pulling away. Doesn’t know why. Says that the differences are too much. That our financial gap (I made about twice as much) is going to be an issue. We break up. Yet he continues to call. One sentence is about how he just can’t have a relationship right now. The next sentence is that he’d like to hang out with me. I’m pretty tired of being yanked around.
In my head I’ve officially called it quits. But what’s up with him?
Dear Sassy,
Hm. I wonder if this isn’t a relationship-version of the “bailout after sex” thing. When guys do THAT one, it’s usually that their body’s goal gets ahead of their brain, they have sex, and then their brain suddenly realizes what’s going on. (Think of it like in a werewolf movie when the guy wakes up, his clothes are torn, he’s got blood on his hands and twigs in his hair, and he has no idea how he got wherever he is. Scary!)
The idea in that situation is that his very, very goal-oriented SEX brain hit the override button on his more sensible, “So, what exactly are we doing HERE, fella?” brain. (Though I’m no psychologist, you understand.)
I wonder if this isn’t what happened with him, but with the relationship. As in, he got the GOAL into his head to move this thing into gear, like, NOW. And he pushed and pushed, and the gears started clicking. And once he “got there”, the goal part of his brain didn’t need to be in overdrive anymore. So it slowed down enough for the rest of his brain to get its bearings. And that part of him (suddenly overwhelmed with the knowledge of a.) what’s been going on and b.) the fact that the rational part of him now gets a VOTE) throws on the brakes.
It’s very, very confusing. To him as well –which is likely why you’re seeing the fits and starts, and the back and forth.
THIS IS WHY I DON’T TOUR
I’ll give you a personal example of this kind of slam-on-the-brakes that I’ve seen in myself. Not in relationships, specifically, but with career stuff. With standup comedy, I went through my first 3 years with a very strong purpose. But once I achieved what had been my primary goal (to book one of the TV standup shows) I was suddenly aware that not only didn’t I really want the standup life (as it turns out that it involves leaving my apartment, which, who needs THAT?), but also that I never really HAD wanted it that much. I know a bunch of comics who absolutely LOVE the life on the road, love travelling all over the place and performing to the people they find there — and they’re great at it! I just know it’s not my thing. (And that’s partly why I’m now writing a book — less “leaving the immediate vicinity my bed” involved. Much better!)
But, uh, WEIRD. As in, how could I have pursued a standup career if I didn’t really want that life? Like, during those YEARS that I was focused on nothing but doing that, wouldn’t you think I’d notice? Well, there was a part of my brain so focused on the GOAL that I couldn’t see negative stuff (even stuff like, “Hey, I don’t really think this is my thing…”) as anything more than “obstacles to be overcome” rather than as, you know, “stuff I actually don’t like.”
IS THIS YOUR GUY’S STORY? UMM….MAYBE?
Now, this is all just a guess, of course. It’s not totally clear what’s up with him, specifically — what caused him to bail. It’s a safe bet that he probably doesn’t know what it is, himself. And a safer one that he’ll never tell YOU what it is. But what IS clear is that you’re probably right in letting him go now. If you are able to do that, it means 2 things. One, it means that he will have let you go (and if he really likes you, he won’t just let you walk away.) And two, of course, it means that YOU were able to let HIM go (which tells me that, on some level, you’re ok without him too.)
Good luck, Sassy. Don’t let this guy confuse you. Remember that it’s his behavior — his CURRENT behavior — that tells the story. He’s bailed out. Whatever he SAYS, that’s what’s he’s DOING.
What do you think ladies? Anybody seen a guy so focused on the relationship that he gets it before he even realizes that he wasn’t sure he wanted it?
Posted: December 3rd, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Just Me Again
Time December 3, 2007 at 2:05 pm
I actually have done (and probably still do) that kind of thing myself, although not so much in relationships. And that’s only because I spent most of the last 30 years in one relationship.
I *think* I want something, work like hell to get there, only to find out that there area aspects to the reality that umm…. make me change my mind. Graduate degree in math, job at Microsoft w/4+ hr commute every day, soapmaking business, pastry school; all fell by the wayside as I hit the glass reality ceiling. I had a lot of fun trying, though.
After much self-flagellation, I’ve come to realize that it’s probably fairly normal, especially for people who get distracted easily by big, shiny ideas. How can you know all of the ins and outs of the reality of a “thing” ahead of time — whether it is really going to be “all that” for you — until you actually try it?
As sucky as it is, ya gotta give the guy partial credit for consciously backing off. I know guys who don’t listen to that wee small warning voice inside and keep charging forward. They seem to be the ones with a lot of ex wives.
Comment from Shelby
Time December 3, 2007 at 5:31 pm
This I think is much more common than not. I have a male friend whom I’ve asked, “Why do you date the women for a few months and then suddenly they’re history?” He answered in the same fashion that Jeff did. I was shocked to hear that even my current boyfriend had an average of like 4 or 5 ‘relationships’ a year until we started dating! (He will never actually admit to the 4 or 5 per year, but I’ve kept a mental count as he’s told me different stories about his dating, etc.) He once told me one about a really nice girl he suddenly just stopped calling after several months because he knew it just wouldn’t work out. Although men do do this, I don’t think it’s really very nice. You have an emotional investment in this guy. But be glad he did this now instead of months later! He probably still has feelings for you, hence the ongoing calls. But he’s too wishy-washy and you’re too good for him. You don’t deserve to be a side dish.
Comment from Sassy
Time December 3, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Jeff–Thanks so much. Your answer makes a lot of sense to me at this point. Another theory may be that he likes all the intensity of the beginning, but when it comes down to day-to-day, it’s not that “rush” anymore.
Loiralei–I love the uplifting thought of me being the main course! In my marriage I was never the main course and I don’t want to do that again.
Just Me–You’re right in the fact that he knew to back off before it got even more invested. I’m bruised, but not broken!
Shelby–The emotional investment was why we waited to get physical. I was cautious, but you can’t see everything. Thanks for the support!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 4, 2007 at 7:35 am
Loiralei: “Until they get old and sick then they want someone to take care of them and they start to mimic a decent guy in order to get that.” Wowie. I only wish that this was overly harsh. But, ah, I’m sure it ain’t.
Just Me Again: Good point — sometimes we have to dive into something pretty hard before we even know WHAT we think about it.
Shelby: Hey there! No sneaky keeping count!
Sassy: Your alternate theory is also totally possible. There are certainly a ton of THOSE dudes around.
(Be that main course! Chant it with me: Steak! Not! Peas!!!! Steak!! Not! Peas!!!!!!!!)
Comment from LoveLife
Time December 4, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Diving into a career/education/hobby and then backing out of it once you realize it’s not a good fit? Not really a problem–there always another career/education/hobby out there. It works with inanimate constructs, and I’ve done it myself a few times.
Doing that to a person? Totally bad character. It’s better to start out slowly and build intensity as you go along, keeping honest and open communication along the way. When dealing with animate objects (read: people with feelings), knowing how to delay gratification and determine what you want BEFORE you hop into a relationship and potentially create baggage for another person is a true mark of maturity. Sassy should have checked him out first herself and not let her emotions lead where they should follow.
That’s a sign of maturity too.
Comment from June (not that blonde)
Time December 4, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Big Shiny Ideas. Wow. Big *and* shiny!?? I am _so_ there.
Comment from Sassy
Time December 4, 2007 at 9:39 pm
LoveLife–I agree that jumping in to “try” a person on is a bad idea. That’s why we agreed to hold off any physicalness until we knew each other 30 days. At the point, I thought I had found a sincere person to have a relationship with. And I want to add that we had a HUGE bang of chemistry that I’ve found is rare.
Yes, in hindsight, I could have known better. But I went with my gut and took a chance. Nothing immature about that.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 5, 2007 at 7:22 am
LoveLife: Knowing what you want before you enter a relationship? Don’t know if I’ve gotten there yet. But I’m glad SOMEbody does!
June (not that blonde): I know — impossible to resist both! At once!
Sassy: Nothing immature at all. You tried something. THAT’s a sign of maturity too.
Comment from hunter
Time December 7, 2007 at 8:03 pm
..some of us, we just like to check on the “herd.”………that is why we call afterwards….
Comment from hunter
Time December 7, 2007 at 8:06 pm
to shelby,
4 or 5 relationships per year? I am salivating…..hhmmmhh….I have been told, there is nothing wrong with a 90-day relationship…..
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 31, 2008 at 12:12 am
Dears,
Oops…almost a year later, but better later than nevah! Primary==hoping
that U, Ms. Sassy, are dusted off and Shining Bigggly w/an Apt Fella!
Ouch! 2DearLoveLife; call mme *LoveEmotions*! No-No: “emotions” should NOT follow the head. At best, the two should saunter as a *couple*. At a maturing lifepoint, the mind needs [deserves!] a pack leader more kin2 emotions.
Give *emotions* a chance. Fret not. The *mind* can salvage & revive, sometimes! in a heart’s beat. Let emotions BE herald & barometer. Feel Love; know it!
Comment from hunter
Time October 31, 2008 at 2:16 am
hi Mag!…….
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 31, 2008 at 11:55 am
hunter, that’s w/A Dear frontward!
…umum…that “Mag!”…should be *MMag*, but Cheerrs, nonetheless!
Comment from hunter
Time October 31, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Oh yes,,,Dear MMag!…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time October 31, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Dear H,
Oh yes,,,Dear *H*!…
[OK on that *H*..];
Cheerrrs, evenMore!
Comment from No time to lose
Time November 3, 2008 at 12:58 am
This has happened to me twice. The first time I was totally in love, and we went a whole six months. The last time, I saw the flakiness – coming on strong on day one is a sign of impetuousness, immaturity, and a possible personality disorder. These are just flakos that you have to look out for and run away when there is WAY too much ‘love’ in the first 30 days.
Run away and don’t look back!!
PS. I have plenty of time so I’m changing my moniker: “40-Something and FABULOUS,” – it’s a work in progress.
PPS. Thanks Jeff for all you do
Comment from hunter
Time November 3, 2008 at 1:05 am
Sometimes, we just, plain, find out she is terrible in bed.
Comment from No time to lose
Time November 3, 2008 at 1:12 am
Hunter Babe, Let me assure you ~ that is not my case!!! (and not very likely in most instances). LOL.
Comment from hunter
Time November 3, 2008 at 1:19 am
Other times, we give women a space walk, talk. “Let’s go for a walk, I need some space.” We do this when a woman “nags” us out of the relationship.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time November 3, 2008 at 11:26 pm
hunterDear,
Merci 4sharing hints of commonality.
Condolence on Even *thee* scoring a “terrible”. Albeit [am told!!] such scores often travel in pairs. But, never mind, really: It’s hearsay!
Hey…Try broadening your perspective on your “she” people. Try stuff outta *bed*!
In bed-events: Dollars2donuts on U, sooo haveHeart. Practice can Per*fect!
Comment from Mar
Time January 8, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Hey, that’s odd. My grandfather married and heiress after divorcing my grandmother. Not everyone is the same. I do agree with Jeff. Regardless of what he says, this guy doesn’t care enough about Sassy’s well being, especially if he pulled away without a viable explanation. There’s a reason. This is usually the biggest issue in a break up, but Jeff is right that Sassy will probably never know the real reason. The fact that he pulled away is enough. I don’t think the financial issue is the real reason for the break up, especially in todays recesion. It’s an excuss. Sassy will never know the real reason. I know I wouldn’t want a guy like that for a friend, especially if he couldn’t come clean. Praobably thinking he can redeam him self with Sassy if she doesn’t know the truth and his current “reason” doesn’t play out. I’d think about his past track record to see if he’s ever done this before, that is if Sassy knows anything about it. If he didn’t even share that, then Sassy should go out and enjoy life with someone else who actually cares.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 8, 2009 at 5:39 pm
All Dears….especially Ms. Sassy,
GoGuts when taking-a-chance-on-Love; no “personality” is totally tidy!
Hope Someway/Somehow, All is well a year later. Regardless result, *Love* trumps. At minimum, We learn better ways 2love Self + Other!
“mimic” [Funnyl! Ms. Loiralei] like Practice, can make nearPerfect, when allowed!
Comment from hunter
Time January 9, 2009 at 9:53 am
Mar, tell us about your grandfather marrying and heiress!….
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 3, 2007 at 11:44 am
It probably means just what he said “the differences are too great”. Money is always a big deal with men and if he feels she’s a better provider than he that emasculates him on some insecure level. So he thinks for long term, or for keeps – it isn’t gonna work out for him. Stupid. But on the other hand, I think he really likes her still and doesn’t want to let go fully. Side dish again, he wants her for a side dish. She’ll never be the main course, and that makes the whole situation not good enough for her. She needs to find someone who appreciates every aspect of her including her earning potential. I’d let him know I’m seeing others and be half-ass nice and polite and he’ll either drop off like a tick or he’ll decide he can’t live without her. But I don’t think he’s good enough for her anyway just for the fact that he’s jerking her around already. Usually that shows a major flaw that they are going to keep acting jerky. That’s why most these middle aged guys are single and stay single. Until they get old and sick then they want someone to take care of them and they start to mimic a decent guy in order to get that.