manslations

So, what happens when your man, as he is looking for a new place, decides to move in with a bevy of attractive women? (Don’t bother me with the details of how many women are in a bevy. I don’t have time for that kind of thing. I’m a man of action.) Shelby’s man is about to enter into just such a living situation, and she wants to know what her options are.

Dear Jeff,
Let’s say that you’re in a committed relationship and the man is planning to relocate to be closer to you. However, until he finds another position in his field in the prospective town he has to move in with roommates, temporarily. (He’s doing this to avoid extending a lease in a terrible area and to save money.) The roommates are a married couple who have of course younger (attractive, single female) friends and the same in a daughter. These prospective roommates are a little older and of course very nice but you get the picture.

He asked my opinion before he made any decision to move in with them and of course I thanked him for asking my opinion but I’m uncomfortable with the idea and I hate the idea of happenstance. But I of course told him that I trust him (which I do) and that he should do whatever works best for him. I don’t worry about him being around coworkers or barflies but nice, attractive women with whom he actually may be spending considerable time with socially or at his new temporary place? I feel a little threatened. I’ve already told him that I am less than thrilled with the idea and he tried to assure me, but I personally would NOT move in with my married friends in the same situation. So, what do I do?

Dear Shelby,

Well first of all, once again, congratulations on the man moving closer to you. Such a great step. And a BIG step for him, no? So right there, that’s a great thing.

HATING THE IDEA OF HAPPENSTANCE

You said this in your message, that you hate this idea. And I’m here to tell you, this idea of happenstance is going NOwhere. Not whether he lives with these friends, with YOU or with the sorority sisters of Nympho Nympho Chi (an excellent sorority, incidentally. A little light on the scholastics, but they mean well.)

The truth is that unless he is a full on living-under-a-bridge, billygoat-tormenting troll, this situation is simply GOING to arise. Living situation or not, your man is going to be around attractive women, and some of them are going to find HIM attractive, right? So what can you do?

The answer? Not much.

IF IT’S GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR HIM, YOU’RE ALREADY SCREWED

If the two of you are going to be serious (and clearly you are) it seems like you’re going to have to be at home with the fact that there are other people out there, some of whom might want to do one or the other of you. Someone is likely GOING to want to take him away from you. The question is not “Will it happen?” And frankly, you don’t WANT it to be. It just doesn’t pay to hope that no one ever wants your man. Here’s why.

Think about it. You don’t want to be crossing your fingers and rubbing your rabbit’s foot, hoping desperately that your guy doesn’t spend any time around attractive, appealing women. Sure, your rabbit will love it but it’s no good for YOU. It’s a losing battle if ever there was one.

Because first of all, as I said, it’s GOING to happen. And second of all, you don’t want to be in a relationship where you have to fear other women. If the fear is justified, I’m here to tell you, you’re already in trouble. And if it’s NOT justified (as it seems in this case) then that fear can only cause problems.

DON’T PUNISH HIM IF HE’S NOT THE PROBLEM

The most important thing is, trust him if he’s trustworthy. If you don’t trust these women, that’s one thing. And if you don’t trust HIM, that’s another thing entirely (and the hot roomies are, let’s say, your 2nd problem). Let’s say the worst happens, and the cutest, sexiest, hottest of these women gets it into her head that she wants him. Do you still trust him? Sounds like you actually DO, which is great. So don’t get caught up in making HIM feel badly for HER actions. (Or worse, making him feel badly for stuff she might do sometime. What’s he supposed to do about THAT? Say, “I’m so sorry that this person who is not me might one day do that.“)

As I’ve written here before, treating a man as if you can’t trust him when he’s 100% innocent is a total relationship killer. There’s no way for him to defend himself against something he’s not actually even doing. (Believe me, I’ve tried.)

NOTHING WRONG WITH DISLIKING THIS SITUATION

There’s absolutely no problem with the idea that, “Hey, I trust you 100%. I just don’t like them sniffing around you when I’m not around.” That can be sweet and endearing. And if he understands anything about anything, he’ll understand that this is a weird situation for you (as it would be for him if you moved into a house filled with big, strapping young lumberjack/poets with PhD’s and trust funds.)

In fact, he’d definitely understand that. Because his problem in that situation would NOT be that he didn’t trust you. It would be that he wouldn’t trust THEM.

MAKE IT ABOUT THEM

Make him understand that it’s not all about reassuring you that HE’s going to be faithful. You know that part. Sounds like the issue is that you don’t love the idea of women lurking around him. And that you will be very, very happy when he gets his own place.

Good luck, Shelby! And once again, congrats on your man’s prospective move to your area!

Manslatees? Ever have a man room with other women? How did you deal?