manslations

Today, we’ve got a pretty common dilemma that faces women of all ages, shapes, and sizes. (Well, not ALL shapes. The ones that are shaped like a starfish don’t date much.) What do you do if your man seems like he likes you, but he never thinks to get you flowers, cards, or other thoughtful little reminders of that fact? Read on, I’ve got this one wired:

Hello Jeff:

I am in dire need of an expert manslation!

I’ve been dating a guy for approximately 7 months now. We’re both divorced (me very recently, he about 2 years). In the beginning, he would suggest things to do on dates, and agreed to be exclusive with me pretty much right from the get-go. He’s introduced me to his parents, some friends and has told other family members about me. I took things pretty slowly as far as the introductions went, but they were made on my part eventually. Nowadays, I am the one who makes ALL the date plans, and I actually do the cooking for some dates instead of going out. (We only see each other once or twice a week, which is not enough for me). I’ve hinted about wanting to do day trips or even weekend getaways. I always ask, “what do you want to do”? The response is always, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

I’m also a little peeved that he never brings me flowers or any kind of cute small gifts or ANYTHING. I have given him a few small gifts in the past. He never seems to go out of his way to do anything for me even though I feel like I “jump through hoops” for him quite a bit. On the other hand, he’s said he loves me and he is very trustworthy.

So what is going on with him? Does this balance out and I should just continue as is?

Thanks as always,
JJenny

Hey JJenny,

There are a couple of really big manslations concepts in here. Here goes:

I DUNNO, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO!

Ok, this is one where you’re going to have to educate him. (Actually, they BOTH are.) When a guy says this, he’s trying to a.) be nice, and b.) avoid having to try to think up something to do for fear you won’t like it. In all probability, he doesn’t give a crap what you do. If he just likes spending time with you, well, he probably figures “Who cares where we go or what we do? So I’ll let her pick.”

This is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a situation where he doesn’t get what you need.

The second issue is related in a roundabout way.

FLOWERS AND SMALL GIFTS, A MANSLATIONS DILEMMA

My girlfriend and I had had this very issue. It was NOT natural for me to buy her flowers and little cards and giftlets and things at first. Why? Because I don’t want those things, so I wouldn’t think to buy them for someone else. Why wouldn’t I want those things, I hear you ask? Are you ready to be disappointed?

THE BAD NEWS

Most men aren’t very romantic. Most men don’t understand gifts that are “meaningful.” We think of gifts and things in terms of what they DO. (This is why many men would be totally psyched to received a drill for Christmas.)

But what do flowers do? They die and you have to clean them up. And even if we gave you flowers one time and you LOVED them, we don’t think to buy them for you again because, well, we already DID that. “No, no, that’s too easy. She couldn’t possibly want that same thing again, could she?”

Well, yes. Evidently you could.

But they are meaningful! you say. But they tell a person that you care about them! That you were thinking about them!

I know. I know. But we don’t get that. We don’t get the idea that it literally IS the thought that counts. As in, the flowers are only a SYMBOL of the fact that he was thinking about you, and you want the symbol.

THE GOOD NEWS

If he wants to, he can learn to buy you the kinds of gifts, flowers, cards, and he can learn to take the initiative and take you out.

THE OTHER BAD NEWS

You’re going to have to tell him what you want.

No, no, no. Don’t keep on reading and pretend you didn’t just read that last sentence. Sorry, unless you’re dating Uri Geller or the Amazing Kreskin, your man will never know that you need these things. Not until you tell him. Take it from a recovering guy who doesn’t give a crap about flowers.

THE OTHER GOOD NEWS

We live in terror that you want SOME damn thing and we have no idea what it is. (And in this case, that is EXACTLY what’s happening between you two.) If he likes you — and it seems that he does — he’ll be thrilled to get the REAL answer.

HE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE, IN FACT, MORE DIFFERENT FROM HIM THAN HE THINKS

Here’s what you need to do. You need to get this next part across to him. Ready? Here’s what he doesn’t get:

IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

His mind will absolutely REFUSE to understand this. Yeah, even just typing it, I have no idea what in the holy eff that means. Guys don’t think like that. But you have to explain that YOU DO.

Just know that you’re going to say, “I don’t care what you get me, I just need to know that you’re thinking of me,” and he’s going to first hear, “Ah, there’s something specific she wants, and now she wants me to GUESS whatever it is.” You’re going to have to make him understand that what you REALLY want is the reminder itself.

WHAT NOT TO DO

Don’t ever bother getting him little gifts and flowers if all you’re doing is trying to get him to understand that it’s what YOU want. He won’t get that hint at all. At all. Ever. EVER. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve known who try this. They want X, and so they get their man X. And he (who never even wanted X in the first place) is confused. What the hell is this X for? It’s a fairly uncommonly used letter. Uh…thanks? I guess?

Don’t hint like that. It’s not nice. If you want pie, don’t forcefeed someone ELSE pie in the hopes that they figure it out. Just let him know you like the friggin’ pie and spare HIM the pie that he never asked for.

Good luck, JJenny! If you can tell him how to take care of you, I bet you anything that he’ll do it.

Ladies? Ever trained a man to do the flowers thing? (And even when he’s not in trouble?)