manslations

A reader named Cassandra is in a rough situation — she can’t let go of her ex. And he can’t let go of her. So…what’s the problem? Oh, you know, there are other “people” in the way. You know — “LIFE”. What can she do?

Jeff

I need advise from someone who can “see” more clearly than myself.

I was in a relationship for 4 years, loved every minute of it. When he asked me to marry him I freaked out. I was only 20 at the time. Every relationship that I could think of failed because the young couple had no time to grow, date and have fun, so I suggested we take time apart to do those things. I would have loved to marry him, I just wasn’t ready. He was very upset and hurt. It was difficult for him and for me. I realize now that when I broke his heart I broke mine. It is going on three years now and I constantly think of him. Problem is I am in a relationship( I should point out that I got into this right after, to be preoccupied), he just broke with his girlfriend but……. we both have one child. I have seen him around sporadically. Every time I have spoken to him we both dwell on our past and how we never meant for things to end up this way, we both remained faithful to significant others. The last time I saw him he told me that I was all he ever wanted. I don’t know why he is in my thoughts at least daily.

I want to know if I should contact him to get closure? Leave him alone, he did just get out of a relationship. I want more than anything to tell him how much I love him and when the time is right, we should try things out one more time. I do not plan on cheating on my current boyfriend. I have to be honest I don’t think I could ever break someone heart again.My current relationship is more of a convenience, on both our parts; who wants to be lonely? either way I feel every relationship will be doomed if I don’t get my ex or get him out of my head. In a way I wish he would say he doesn’t love me, so that I will feel like there is nothing to hold onto. The other part of me fantasizes that he is there because someday we will get back to where we left off.

please give me some hope or knock some sense in me!!

Dear Cassandra,

Man, you are in a tough spot. I’ve done my time in the hanging-on-too-long club in my life, and it is ZERO fun. Couple of things jump out at me here.

SHOULD YOU CONTACT HIM TO GET CLOSURE?

Great question. And the only person who would be better to ask than me would be YOU. Because, see, if you WANT closure then yes, you should definitely get some.  But if you DON’T, well, then I definitely wouldn’t.

See what I’m getting at? It’s kind of tough for me to tell what you should do here. Especially given the fact that I, a common moron, certainly don’t have more understanding of your feelings than YOU do.

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: In all fairness, I know that I am, in fact, an UNcommon moron.)

YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND

You say you don’t want to break someone’s heart again. First of all, I hate to tell you this, but you’re going to blow that one. You’re absolutely going to break somebody’s heart again. Sorry about that, but unless you move to Tibet and live in a cave with only mountain goats to keep you company, you’re going to bust somebody’s ticker at some point. (And even there, I bet one of those goats is going to fall in love with you, and sure, it’ll be flattering but what are gonna do, you know? Believe me, we’ve all been in that cave. What a tramp, that goat.)

That said, you know what’s especially NOT going to NOT break his heart? Carrying a torch for your ex while you’re with HIM. (Personally, I wouldn’t carry a torch for ANY reason if I were you. Especially not in the house.)

If you think he doesn’t know, on some level, that you still love your ex, well, you’re wrong. Either he knows on some level and it hurts his feelings, or he does NOT know, and the two of you aren’t very close. Either way, his heart isn’t exactly getting the 5 star spa hotel treatment these days, no?

DOOMED! DOOMED, I SAY!

You suggest that any relationship will be “doomed” unless you either get WITH your ex or get RID of him? Boy are you right on THAT one.

It’s no good for you, it’s no good for your ex, and it’s no good for whomever either of you try to pretend to be in relationships with in the meantime.If you carry around this idea that you’d be happy if you were with him but you never DO anything about it? What IS that?

That’s cowardice (and I say that as someone who has been a fellow chicken in my life.) You’re too scared to give up the dream of this guy, but too scared to give it a real shot, for fear that you’ll have to give up the DREAM to try for the reality.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR “WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT”

Whenever you’ve got an impossible decision like this, the temptation is to believe that you should put it off until you’re “ready” to deal with it. Well, I regret to inform you that this IS ready.

What you feel right now? This is what “ready to deal with this situation” feels like. Whether you decide to give it one more whack with your ex OR to give him up for true and for good? Doesn’t matter. In either case, THIS is what “ready” feels like. If it isn’t, you tell me? When are you going to feel ready? In a month? A year? 5 years? What will you feel like on THAT day?

I can’t tell you what to do here. I’m an effing genius, sure, but even I’m not THAT smart. (No, no, stop arguing. It’s true.) I promise you this, though: it’s never, never going to be any easier to make this decision than it is right now. As unready as you are, this is as ready as you’re going to be.

Good luck, Cassandra. I don’t envy your decision. It’s not easy. But that’s just it. It ISN’T easy, and it’s not going to get any better. Only worse. Make your call. (Sounds like you already have, though, no?)

What say you, ladies? How to know if it’s time to get closure or give it another shot?