manslations

Ok ladies. We’ve got one of the “fear of commitment” guys. If you’ve read here before, you may know that I’m NOT in the camp that most men are as “afraid of commitment” as they are “unwilling to commit to people they don’t want to be with.” Which…I mean…isn’t everybody afraid of that? Hello? However, there IS an exception to this. And I think Bonita has found it.

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: This is of the longest requests I’ve ever received. I’m actually reminiscing about the time in my life back when I started reading it. I’m going to put the whole text at the bottom for those brave ones amongst you. I’m going to sum up.)

Here we go. Bonita writes:

• this guy who I met through my circle of friends
• Fast forward to dating…
• my boy then laughs in and says ‘yeah, im so afraid of comitment.
• This guy does everything a boyfriend is supposed to do…. except for admit to being a boyfriend!
• he is really sweet to me, has already introduced me to all the people in his life, tells me how much he likes me, notices all the tiny things about me & compliments me, spends most of his days with me, plans little surprises with his boys to make me smile. He wants to see me every day, and despite the fact that I know how his libido is, he never pushes me into anything Im not ready to do. He fully respects all my choices, and says it just feels right to him spending all his time with me. He’s really honest and he’s all mine, and Im all his. (And NO, we’re not in the friend/friend category. Lord knows I learnt all about that in school…)
• Then he’ll say something like infront of me like… “ooooh DAMN, check out that that girl’s ass…” or not-so-slickly ogle other girls…. and then i’ll wonder all over again what the HELL im doing anywhere NEAR him.
• one of his friends shows up, who happens to have developed a crush on me. My boy can tell this and starts getting very jealous. I start ignoring my boy, and “being nice” to all my other male friends, including his besotten friend… my boy stats getting weird, and panicky and worried, checking on me, while I cooly flash him sweet smiles when he shows up in my FACE like “oh hey, honey! this guy just bought me tequila shots want one?”
• so it worked….my boy starts getting teary eyed, my friends all worry that he’s about to cry, he starts saying that he’s going home, and demanding that I go home too, even though I sweetly keep on ignoring him.
• he said he felt jealous, like he wanted to feel like he was the only one “close” to me. He said it was so weird, because he’s never felt that way before, and so he really didn’t know what to do, at all
• He’s already so special to me… I want to cut him loose for both of own good, before I make him any more special than he might want to be/ or is ready to be…
• MANSLATION…. please help me!! im going CRAAAAZY for the first time in all my freakin YEARSSSSSS

Dear Bonita,

Jesu Maria, I can’t believe that that’s the EXCERPTED version of your letter. That’s a lot of typing, young lady.

MANSLATION: YOUNG

I’m sorry to be blunt, Bonita, but I regret to inform you that your dude is young. And young guys have their heads up their asses about commitment. Why? Sex.

FAKE BIOLOGY BREAK

Look, it’s not such a revolutionary idea that the males of our species are programmed to want to have a LOT of varied sex, to make as many babies as we can find vaginas in which to store them. And the females are programmed to pick and choose because, you know, if it works out they’re going to have to deal with this moron and his spawn for the duration. Is this true? Who knows? But it does seem that men (young men especially) have a tough time with the idea that they are shutting the door on all other women. Even just for the moment.

What does this mean for you? Well, a young guy doesn’t realize that he doesn’t die from shutting that door. He doesn’t yet fully realize (though your “game” seems to have, uh, educated him a little) that it can be better to commit than NOT to. Until he met you, he hadn’t ever been serious enough about a woman to see the point. (And unless you’re serious, there sort of ISN’T a point. You know, if you think about it.)

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Not too much, actually. Your little manipulation game clearly had an effect, but obviously you don’t want to be doing THAT nonsense every other week to convince this dude that he likes you. And you can’t convince him of that anyway. (Kind of like you can’t convince someone to be pregnant or not. Not much room for negotiation on that one. Kind of a pass/fail sort of a thing, as I understand it.) So, your game-playing didn’t make him care about you. It just made him REMEMBER that he did, by showing you what it would be like if you were with someone else.

It seems like he likes you. But it also seems like he doesn’t yet understand how to be your boyfriend in a way that you want. Seems to me that you have two choices, if you want to stay with him.

1. Let him be however he is, and keep playing all the games
2. Decide what you NEED (as in, what’s NON-negotiable) and tell him that’s who you are and what you need, and he of course doesn’t HAVE to give you that, but he doesn’t get you if he doesn’t.

Some women, believe it or not, opt for #1. Seems like that’s not for you. Or for him. So, what’s bad about #2? Well, he doesn’t have to agree to your terms, of course. But if you need stuff, you need it. And if he won’t give it, he won’t give it.

You said it. You’re a princess, dammit, right? You are allowed to want what you want. And you’re allowed to have what you need. And so is he. And if they don’t match up, there is ZERO that you (or he or even Oprah…ok, maybe Oprah) can do about it.

Good luck, Bonita! You’ve got some edumacating to do.

Ladies? What’s your take on this one? What’s this guy’s deal?

====

Complete text:

Okay, so Im really lost…
There’s this guy who I met through my circle of friends, and it’s clear that he really liked me. Well, he told everyone, including me. At first I was sort of interested, but then the more time I spent with him, the more I got to like him.
Fast forward to dating…
I was hanging out with him and his close friend, when his friend made a remark about being afraid of commitment. my boy then laughs in and says ‘yeah, im so afraid of comitment. If only there was a word for it…’
“its called COMMITMENT PHOBIC” I say shooting blunt butter knives at him with my eyes..
“yeah, yeah thats it! hahahahhhaa” moronic laughter ensues for the next 3 days.
douche-bags.
So now Im not the type to feel like I have to convince! you that you’re dating me. Hell, my confidence is low enough, im a girl in the 21st Century! I don’t need my admirer to question himself!

So I feel totally unsure about where we stand, but….
This guy does everything a boyfriend is supposed to do…. except for admit to being a boyfriend!
It’s been a few weeks… he is really sweet to me, has already introduced me to all the people in his life, tells me how much he likes me, notices all the tiny things about me & compliments me, spends most of his days with me, plans little surprises with his boys to make me smile. He wants to see me every day, and despite the fact that I know how his libido is, he never pushes me into anything Im not ready to do. He fully respects all my choices, and says it just feels right to him spending all his time with me. He’s really honest and he’s all mine, and Im all his. (And NO, we’re not in the friend/friend category. Lord knows I learnt all about that in school…)
Then he’ll say something like infront of me like… “ooooh DAMN, check out that that girl’s ass…” or not-so-slickly ogle other girls…. and then i’ll wonder all over again what the HELL im doing anywhere NEAR him.
Im not a prude, and I love it when a guy can admit another girl is hot infront of me. But not to the point where they show actual interest in the girl! cmon, im not a moron! though im acting like one now…

The closest I got to any conclusion was…
one night we were driving to help out a couple of his friends, and I asked him… and he says he doesn’t know. He just wants to be around me all the time, but he can’t promise me anything (aka he’s not officially my man).
I feel really juvie here, like all the “when’s he gna ask me to be steady?” bull… I don’t like being used.
so then I think, well FINE, let’s BE juvie, and I do what I dnt usually approve of. play games. (dnt stone me!)
We go out that night, one of his friends shows up, who happens to have developed a crush on me. My boy can tell this and starts getting very jealous. I start ignoring my boy, and “being nice” to all my other male friends, including his besotten friend… my boy stats getting weird, and panicky and worried, checking on me, while I cooly flash him sweet smiles when he shows up in my FACE like “oh hey, honey! this guy just bought me tequila shots want one?”
so it worked….
my boy starts getting teary eyed, my friends all worry that he’s about to cry, he starts saying that he’s going home, and demanding that I go home too, even though I sweetly keep on ignoring him.
It works, and the next day he texts me, “baby when ur done [with ur errands]… holla at your man.”
(the EXACT word he chose not to commit to using, just the day before.)
I felt so happy yet so pissed off. It’s not supposed to be THAT much work. You know what I mean? It’s only been a short while, and yet it feels so unhealthy already. He’s slowly slipped back into pre-night behaviour, as in his friends will say “meet my girlfriend” and he’ll reply, “yeah meet my friend (points to me)” though im with him every day. I dnt like feeling cheap at all, but I dont know what to do!! this boy drives me CRAZY.

I don’t know if I’ve given all the details, really?
To everyone else, they say we look really cute together. which means we look like a couple…
To me… I feel like he’s stringing me along. You know… the type of behaviour that would break my mother’s heart.
I feel like screaming at him IM A PRINCESS GODDAMIT, lol, LOVE ME!
instead he treats me like his favorite old sneakers, i feel….

(about the “game” night….. he later said he was kinda mad at me but more really mad at himself…. he said he felt jealous, like he wanted to feel like he was the only one “close” to me. He said it was so weird, because he’s never felt that way before, and so he really didn’t know what to do, at all ****manslation, may i reiterate how cute and -simple- this guy is??yet so smart, damn him*** I reassured him that he was and doesn’t need to worry, the rest don’t compare to him. And he glowed…. but he’s still a jerk :S)

Oh yeah….. HE SAYS HE DOESN’T WANT TO COMMIT.
I really shouldn’t look any deeper than that, shoudl I?

MANSLATION…. please help me!! im going CRAAAAZY for the first time in all my freakin YEARSSSSSS

He’s already so special to me… I want to cut him loose for both of own good, before I make him any more special than he might want to be/ or is ready to be…

Bonita

p.s. soooooooooooooooo sorry for making this soooo long.