manslations

Ah, the workplace flirtation gone wrong. (And when has it gone right?) What a great Friday topic. Lili hasn’t been dipping her pen in the company ink, fishing off the company pier, pooping where she eats…but she’s been flirting about it with a young lad at her job. And it got weird.

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Second day in a row, we’ve got one too long to just put it up here in it’s entirety. Is too much. Let me sum up, with all the important parts for understanding a man.)

Here are the big points, with my reactions in parentheses:

• Lili flirts with a younger guy, Matt, whom she works with. (Awww, yeah. So here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson…Kidding!)
• Matt’s in a relationship. (Ruh-roh.)
• Matt doesn’t like it when Lili flirts with other guys (which she does anyway — hey, he’s not the boss of her…wait…he’s NOT, right?)
• For her birthday, Lili asks Matt to help her with some work around the house, and he thinks it’s a pretense to get him in the sack. (And I’m not sure myself.)
• Lili says no it is NOT, and it gets weird. (Don’t worry, mama. It won’t get weird — time lapse — Yeah…it got weird. Yeah.)
• Lili flirts more with another dude, and Matt gets very upset (Anyone surprised at this point?)
• Matt’s pal believes he’s in love with her. (Man, if one of his BOYS knows about it, it’s serious.)

I’ll put in here the end of Lili’s message:

My interprintation is that he is interested in me, but is fighting it, and is jealous when I give attention to others. I don’t want to break up his relationship for nothing, and the minimal talks we have had, tell me that we are way too different.. I do like to discuss things through, even if I do like to have lighthearted fun too. We have to work at the same place, and I would like to have him in good mood, as he really makes me smile. But I think it is not possible to go back to what was.. I knew it was too much fun to last.

Or have I read it all wrong?

Dear Lili,

I think you’ve read it exactly right. This guy clearly likes you quite a bit, and that’s a big problem for him.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Here’s the thing, Lili. I’m not 100% sure if you were ever serious about him, or if the flirting was just good fun. If I had to guess, it seems like you were just having a good time being flirty. But what he feels about you, whether or not he’s willing to talk about it, seems to be a BIG thing for him. And flirting, while maybe innocent on your part, is causing problems for him.

IS HE SERIOUS?

Hard to tell if he’s actually interested in you, or what exactly is going on. He DOES seem to believe (or at least he DID believe it for a time) that you were serious about HIM.

WHAT TO DO NOW?

Well, there’s not a whole lot you can do at this point, Lili. He’s a little messed up about you. I know that the flirting was really fun, but he clearly can’t handle it. Who knows why? Maybe you treat him in a way he’s never been treated before. Maybe he just really likes you. Maybe his relationship has gone wrong. There’s no way to know what’s going on without him giving you some more clues.

My advice? Denial. Big time denial. Most guys don’t like to have their emotional business out there in the world under public scrutiny. They don’t want to talk about it just to talk about it. We don’t really work that way. Especially if the result is that the two of you aren’t going to be together at the end of the conversation. (And who knows how good or bad an idea THAT would be in the first place.)

DON’T BE THE NURSE 

The nicest thing you can do for him now is to pretend that none of the weirdness happened, and treat him like everything’s ok. If you treat him like a wounded puppy and try to make it all better, it will only make it worse. (For one thing, woundcare is totally different for human and puppies , as they have very different physiologies. That’s called SCIENCE, people.) He’ll just feel more attached to you, AND more aware that you’re not available.

If you pretend it’s all good, he’ll get over it in his own time. You can even still flirt with him, as long as you continue to flirt with all your other boytoys. This will send him the message — nothing’s changed for you, you’re just having fun. And he’ll know that it’s his job to deal with that.

I can’t stress this enough — you have to be a little cruel to be kind here. Not that you’re going to actively be “mean.” You can NOT be taking care of his hurt feelings. It’s what you want to do, but it will hurt more. To get back to some semblance of normal he needs to know that a.) you’re the same fun, flirty (but not serious about him) woman you always were, and b.) nobody’s scrutinizing his emotions or judging him.

Good luck, Lili. This is a tough one, and it’s good of you to want to help him get back to his normal good mood. And to do it, you’re going to have to sort of pretend he’s already there.

Oh Manslatees! I know some of you ladies must have inspired some puppy love at some point. How did you help him get past it? (Or did you take advantage of the situation?)

–

All this has happened at work.

I try to make a long story a bit shorter. I am single, have been for years. I like men, but I don’t sleep around and I date quite seldom as I get interested quite seldom. Men like me, and I actually have a lot of male friends and acquintances – more than women in fact.

I came to work at this place some 1,5 years ago, I live some 350 km away, but work in this place for 2-3 weeks in a month. The place is full of young men, I am one of few women. I have 5-6 men who work with me, (that sometimes I call my harem).. =)

There is this guy “Matt”, I am 12 years older than his 25 years.. (but for some reason, and good care I don’t show it, 95% think I am around 28-30 and are amazed that I am older) whom I have flirted all through this time. I knew he had to be in a relationship, but flirting was a good way to pass time. Oh, I flirt and talk with anybody, but he is special.. so cute and expressive that I can see all his emotions as they move across his face. He always makes me smile, but we never have talked about anything serious. He once said that “what we have to talk about” – to which I said..” I guess nothing, I just thought that would be nice change”
I have called him “my favourite toy”.. he liked it, and gave me a similar nickname – until I spoke once “how another “toy” from years back called me, how it was nice to hear how old friends are happy,” and he took an offence of the fact that I have had “toyboys” before. I apologised, and have been more careful since.

His friend, Pete, tried to couple us outside the work. When I asked what kind of car people would recommend me, he said that “you and Matt could buy..” but I have refused to comment anything.

Matt lives with his girlfriend and I don’t talk about men who are in a relationship, not even as a joke. I have said to Pete once, that “Matt knows my phone number, and where I live.. it is his job, if he wants to talk to me to make the contact. I don’t call men, especially ones who are settled in a relationship”.
I know the rumours that place generates.. it isn’t my reputation that I am worried about – like I say, I flirt talk and smile with anybody, so no-one takes any of my actions seriously, but _everybody_ watches what I do. Even if they had rumours about me, I live elsewhere in the bigger city, so it is all the same to me.

Anyway, it was just fun – until recently.. Matts behaviour has changed drastically. I had my birthday a month back, and he heard it through the harem grapewine and came to congratulate.. “he could give me a “present”".. to which I said, that “actually you could.. – no innuendos here – Seriously I really do need a bit of help in my new place.. extra hands to get the lamps to the ceiling, and a painting to the wall”
He said that “well, not now, but maybe a bit later”..
I asked Matt again couple days later, then I guess he panicked, since he was rude to me.. and I just don’t accept behaviour like that.
I said to him that “-NO- is an acceptable answer, but you make this sound like I trying to force you to bed, which I am not, as I just need help.. So when you suggested a present I asked you as I would ask help from any friend.. that if you take that stand that this is about sex, we have nothing to talk about.”

We ignored each other for couple of days, and then I went to talk to Matt when he was having a break in the next room alone. He was unable to apologise, but said that he hadn’t meant it the way I took it. Ok, back to normal as far as I was concerned.

We have only talked once, 3 weeks ago at the parking lot getting off from work . I said to him at the time that “I can understand your behaviour, you is a good boy, and it is sweet to see”.. to which he said that “his being in a relationship has nothing to do with it and he is not a good boy”.. and I asked that “what is it then that stops you?”.. he just got flustered, refused to answer and I changed the subject and stopped teasing him as his friend came.

Matt now works at a different place, in rotation to places where he can see me flirting and talking to other guys. And I do flirt, share my attention to each one – like I always have done – even as he was there working at the same place with me.. but he never saw it happen.. like I said up there, I have my own little group of 5-6 young men working with me in 2 shifts 2-3 in each, and he didn’t know what I did with the other group.
The guys may come and go, but I always teach the new ones to tease me as I tease them with practical jokes, and they love it. The work itself is so tedious, that is a good extra fun when there is some slack.

Latest development is that this Tuesday Matt seemed to take an offence when I was laughing with one of the guys. I thought I saw something on the side eye and turned to look as I felt his startled reaction. From that moment on, he was like I didn’t exist. He totally ignored me that day.. The next day we were facing one and other across the distance of 20 meters, he was making faces when he saw me doing something he (or some of the guys who help me) usually does for me.. and I showed him tongue.. we were back on innuendo of flirting.
But the yesterday he was ignoring me again..

His friend Pete.. he said that “what is wrong with Matt?”.. I said that “I have no idea, he is ignoring me again, and I just don’t know what I have done that he has been offended, and I can’t go to ask him..”
Pete asked me if I wanted to know, and I said sure. He went and asked him.. and came back with confirmation Matt was angry with me, but had refused to tell why..
I said to Pete that “I knew it, I have seen it and felt it, but I just can’t go to ask him because of rumours. If he wants to settle what the problem is, he has to come to talk to me”..
Pete said that “it is what love does”.. to which I said, “I don’t think those who are in relationship in that way”.. to which Pete said that “I meant him”.. to which I avoided saying anything.. only continued saying that “if he wants to talk what he has taken an offence, he has my contact info, I can’t do anything more”.

Matt was in high spirits at the end of the work day yesterday.. I saw him passing, and asked him.. “what has been wrong with you?”.. got no answer – like normal – as he totally avoids talking about anything serious. I said “what ever” shrugged my shoulders, and went to change my clothes. Fine, then it was nothing.. I take things from men as it is delivered.

But today Matt was so liveless again.. I noticed him working near me at the end of the day. He did look at me, but even if I did smile at him, he never returned the smile. Just looked at me soberly.. It is hard to behave normally. My normal high spirits, laughter and practical jokes with the other guys seem so inappropriate.
I wrote an email to Pete (the one who has tried to couple us) that if he can get Matt to give me his email address, I really would like to talk directly.. but I know if Matt is like he has been before, that won’t happen. There is nothing more I can do.. His emotions are simply his problem.

I like him – a lot… But when he behaves like a toy, I treat him a such.. but his miserableness makes me my heart heavy.
The other group of guys have already noticed that I am not as bubbly as normal.. but at least they don’t know what it is about. They all think it is because of winter and this flu I have…

My interprintation is that he is interested in me, but is fighting it, and is jealous when I give attention to others.
I don’t want to break up his relationship for nothing, and the minimal talks we have had, tell me that we are way too different.. I do like to discuss things through, even if I do like to have lighthearted fun too.

We have to work at the same place, and I would like to have him in good mood, as he really makes me smile. But I think it is not possible to go back to what was.. I knew it was too much fun to last.

Or have I read it all wrong?