A Gal Asking a Guy Out?
Welcome back, lovely manslatees, to yet another week in the manslations jungles. We begin the week with the age-old question — what do we think about a woman asking a man out?
Reader Sassy writes:
Hi Jeff–I’m in a singles activity group (30/40/50 years olds) which is great! Lots of nice people. And lately one of the guys in the group has caught my eye. (of course there’s a boy involved!) We met at an event several months ago, then didn’t see each other for a while.
Then a few weeks back, I saw him again and he seemed to remember a lot of things about me. We played pool and had a nice conversation. The other night, the group met at a dance hall to boogie down and he was there and danced with me a lot (although not exclusively).
I gave him my business card with some silly excuse (“judy has one and I think you should too”) in hopes that he got the message that I’d like to get to know him better in a quieter situation. But with reading all your manslations about how men are a little thick with clues, I’m wondering if I should make more of a move–like an invite for coffee.
What are your thoughts on a gal asking a guy out for something small. I’m not a boy-chaser and want to make sure I don’t appear that way.
Thanks!
Dear Sassy,
Oh, Sassy, Sassy, Sassy. You know what? My thoughts on a woman asking a man out? It’s an outrage. Next thing you know, you’re going to want the right to smoke cigarettes in the public square, and then vote. And then we’re all in big, big trouble.
But seriously, I think you’re in an ideal situation here. Here’s why:
- Clearly he likes you. He remembered stuff about you, he wanted to dance with you a bunch. All of it.
- Clearly you understand how clueless men are. Excellent start of any relationship.
- You’re not a boy chaser, but you want to ask him out specifically. This is the BEST. Why?
MEN LOVE IT WHEN THEY ARE AN EXCEPTION TO YOUR RULES
You don’t want to seem to be a boy chaser? Great — he doesn’t want you to seem that way either. He wants to believe that you don’t normally ask men out, but in his case you just had to make an exception. Makes him feel like a bad ass. Like he’s such a great guy, you just couldn’t resist.
For a guy there’s nothing cooler than having a woman say, “Uh…listen…I don’t normally do this, and I hope you don’t think this is too forward…but there’s this really big marmot race this weekend, and uh…I was wondering…” Hey, I don’t know what you like to do, but you get the idea.
IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK DESPERATE
This is the number one fear that women have about asking men out. How do I know that it’s the number one? Because it’s my website and I can say whatever statistics I feel like saying. I don’t have to defend them to you or anybody else, ok? I’m special. Let’s move on.
What I’m getting at is that it does NOT make you look in any way desperate, pathetic, or in any way negative. It makes you look like you like him. (MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Never ask a man out if you do NOT like him. Sends the wrong message, if you think about it.) And it makes you look confident enough that you went ahead and asked him out.
SO…WHAT DOES LOOK DESPERATE?
Insane hint-dropping, in the hopes that he will ask YOU out. It looks incredibly desperate and needy when you clearly like a guy but you spend a TON of energy trying to get him to ask you out. It just comes across as weird and neurotic. If you like him, there’s ZERO wrong with going ahead and asking him out. You know, like a big girl.
Good luck, Sassy! It sounds like you’ve got him on the line. Reel him in. And…um…take that hook out of his mouth for starters (because that almost definitely hurts) and then…you know…gut him and fillet him. In a delicious…marinade? I’m not much of a fisherman, if I’m being honest here.
Ladies? What do YOU think of asking a dude out? How about fishing?
Posted: December 17th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Susan
Time December 17, 2007 at 10:35 am
Sassy, I say go for it! I would think most men would be flattered, just as you would be. and it’s the modern age, so if he didn’t like the forwardness of it (assuming you don’t literally throw yourself at him), he’s probably an old-fashioned, outdated fart anyway.
Fishing. Oh….i know way more than I ever wanted to know about fishing because of wilderness boy, my ex hubby. He claimed fish didn’t mind hooks in their mouths or backs (if you’re a bait fish) b/c they don’t feel pain. I told him he better hope that a higher life form doesn’t come along and make HIM bait to test out a similar theory. I never hooked or unhooked a fish, by the way…and I only used charm to hook a man, no sharp metal.
Comment from Sian
Time December 17, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Don’t do it Sassy !
Whats the rush anyway, you see him socially so cultivate the friendship, keep seeing him and if you do invite him to do something with you, invite him as a friend.
Asking a guy on a date sets up a totally different dynamic than just being friendly. Its laying all your cards on the table and effectively taking away the mystery and changing the chase so that you are the pursuer.
If he never makes a romantic move on you, is this the type of guy you really want any way??
Have fun, be flirtatious and see what unfolds.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 17, 2007 at 4:42 pm
mar:Very flattering, I’d say. And I have yet to see a situation in which a man has liked a woman right up until he asked her out. (As in, if he doesn’t like that you asked him out, he didn’t like you anyway, right?)
Susan: I’ve heard the “fish don’t feel pain” thing. I’d like to hear more evidence to support it. Maybe some interviews with fish who don’t mind.
Sian: Once again, Sian comes in with the awesome counterpoint. And I agree with all of it except for the part about how it’s problem to lay all her cards on the table. If a guy likes her, why would that be bad?
Now, I certainly understand that it would be scary, but hey, guys have to do it all the time. (And occasionally it even works!)
Comment from hunter
Time December 18, 2007 at 12:10 am
….hhhhmmmhh, no where is it written, we don’t see it in any of the old manuscripts, the bible, etc….that a woman should not ask a man out on a date…….
Comment from Sassy
Time December 18, 2007 at 9:02 am
Thanks for all the good thoughts and insights. Jeff, I like the part that actually says that if a guy is an exception, let him know it. I’ll keep you all posted. Probably nothing happening with this fish until after the holidays. Now, about my blind date tomorrow with the fireman…..
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 18, 2007 at 11:03 am
hunter: Well, clearly SOMEone hasn’t been reading Cosmo…(and I’m pretty sure it’s me.)
Sassy: Blind date with a fireman! Kick ass!
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 18, 2007 at 9:37 pm
I think starting out as “friends” is probably not the way to go. “Friends” rarely turn into “boyfriends”. Once a man is your “friend”, he’s asking you advice about other women, he’s treating you like one of the guys, etc. Better to not label it at all and just see where it goes after coffee or whatever. Ask him!
Comment from hunter
Time December 18, 2007 at 11:52 pm
to jeff mac,
…Cosmo?…reallly?…..somehow I don’t understand….hhhmmmhh
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 19, 2007 at 7:05 am
Theatregal: Yeah, in your quest to start a relationship, let the word “friend” be a warning area.
hunter: Just a joke about “the old manuscripts.” No worries.
Comment from Elizabeth
Time December 19, 2007 at 6:39 pm
Am I really oldfashioned why I say a woman should never openly pursue a man?
I hope it works out for you, let us know how it went!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 20, 2007 at 7:24 am
Elizabeth: Well, I don’t know about old fashioned, but…what bad thing would happen if a woman openly pursued a man?
Comment from hunter
Time December 22, 2007 at 10:34 am
to jeff,
…..doesn’t history have it, that, before civilization, women did the persuing? What happened then?
Comment from Wilmo
Time May 23, 2008 at 11:47 am
Asking a guy out?
Never worked for me, and I did it at least…once.
Men SAY , they like it. However, I believe they like the chase better and asking a guy out tends to take away from that chase, usually.
Comment from Joel Vargas
Time October 10, 2010 at 11:54 pm
There is nothing wrong if a girl will ask a guy out. Perhaps, for some, it is better if a guy will ask a girl out just like the old tradition.
Comment from Dynamic
Time February 28, 2012 at 2:35 pm
I want to ask my osteopath out, he told me he is young free and single, I know it may be unethical for him to ask me. Its my last visit next week and I don’t know what to say…Please help before I mess things up!!!!
Comment from mar
Time December 17, 2007 at 7:57 am
My last relationship started because I asked him out. If I had not done that, I have serious doubts that he would have ever asked me.
(Having said that, my last relationship didn’t last long, but at least it started! It’s better to know that it doesn’t work out, to never know what would have happened….)
I don’t know much about how men actually think, that’s Jeff’s expertise, but I think asking somebody out is always flattering, why wouldn’t men like that?
Indeed, I know some men who say they like a proactive woman.