Leading a Double Life — How to Come Clean??
Well, well, well. Someone’s pants are on FIRE. Whose? None other than frequent commenter and requester, Loiralei. Through deviousness and deceit, our lass has gotten herself into a really weird situation.
Well, have no fear, L. I’m a really weird guy.
Loiralei writes:
O.K. This time I’ve got myself in a real pickle. After my last breakup I decided to try a internet dating site free. Just for fun I created a silly, sexy profile with no picture as an experiment to get my feet wet, not sure of what I’d find and basically to see what was out there.
There were alot of responses mostly guys whose pictures looked like they were on the “Most Wanted List”. There was one guy I was attracted to, he was a member and we e-mailed back and forth for about a week. He gave me his ph # and asked me to call him and when I told him I didn’t call men first, he asked for my ph #. Feeling rushed, and not sure I was even ready to SEE anyone again yet, I gave it to him anyway and gave him a false first name. During the next 2 wks he did call, left 3 messages and his return ph # to call back if I wanted too. I didn’t because I still felt rushed.
In the meantime I created another different profile on the same dating site and he started corresponding to THAT girl (who is really me) and I told him my real name this time. Same thing happened, after a week or so he gave me his phone # (which I already had) and I couldn’t give him mine (because he already had it – under a different girls name). Buying myself some more time I told him in e-mail on the dating site that I had to go back East for 3 wks for a funeral and that I’d call him when I returned. Its now been 6 wks and he is no longer a member but still on the dating site so I can’t correspond with him anymore and I would have to actually call him. But my caller I.D. would show the first girls ph #. I would like to ask him to meet for coffee no strings, no expectations just to meet. I will have to call him on a pay ph or something so he can’t trace it. Oh what a web of lies we weave! I know this is sounding like a romantic comedy (maybe I should sell it to Hollywood or maybe they have already done this).
But my question (at last) is how do I tell him when we meet (if I like him and want it to go further) that I am both girls so I can give him my real ph #? And that I’m really not a psycho liar I’m really a nice girl! (Ha)! I was just playing in the beginning and now I would like to really get to know this person but it started off so bad. How would I go about this in a way that wouldn‘t scramble a man’s mind. (I know they are so delicate)!
Dear Loiralei,
Well, well, well. Congratulations. I’ve consulted with some of the guys, and we’ve decided to vote you in as an Honorary Man. (You’ll receive your membership card and honorary penis in 6 to 8 weeks.) Such a tangled web we weave, indeed. Ok, so, it seems to me that what you actually DID wasn’t totally crazy. A little evasive, sure, but you know that. The important thing is that it wasn’t total crazy trainwreck territory. Which is nice for a start.
WHAT YOU DON’T WANT
Ok, given that you’re not a nutjob, your goal here is to avoid giving him the impression that you are:
- Neurotic More-Trouble-Than-She’s-Worth Lady
- Damaged, Paranoid, Bundle of Suspicion Lady
SOLUTION? MAKE HIM LAUGH
Lest you overlook this fact — this situation? Hilarious. It’s ridiculous, right? Nothing wrong with saying, “Ok, I did something really dopey and I need to come clean about it. Like, it’s so spectacularly silly that if I didn’t HAVE to tell you, I’d take this puppy to the grave with me. Ok, here’s what happened.”
And then tell him the funny story. Because it IS one. If you can find the humor in it, so will he. You know you weren’t trying to hurt him by creating a dual personality. You just chickened out and you went into a totally “Three’s Company” level spiral of unnecessary lies. The kind where you go, “Jack, dude, just friggin’ tell Mr. Roper that she’s not your cousin Inga from Sweden, ok? It’ll be so much easier.”
Good Luck, Loiralei! Get out of this pickle. Pickles are no kind of place to spend your time. You’re not screwed here. This could be a great way for the two of you to get to know each other. And one day, you’ll be out on the porch, sippin’ lemonade, and saying, “Remember that time when I flirted with you as two different people?” and he’ll say, “Nope,” because he’s 111 years old and senile. And mildly incontinent. You’ll change his diaper and…
I mean, I don’t know how it will go, but the point is that you’ll be fine. And if he’s genuinely freaked out by this, well, he’s got his OWN issues.
Ladies? Ever outsmart yourself with trickery and have to come clean? How’d you do it?
Posted: December 18th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Sassy
Time December 18, 2007 at 10:19 am
I think a little humility can go a long way here. You could say something like, “Gee, this is embarassing, but I wanted to come clean with you.” Sometimes the phrase, “I know you understand” is also helpful in situations like this. Good luck!
Comment from Shelby
Time December 18, 2007 at 10:33 am
I actually dated my (ex) husband for a very long time under an alias! I worked as a dancer at the time and of course had a “stage name.” Even when I finally said, “This thing seems to be getting steady; perhaps you could call me by my correct name,” he still joked about it and called me by my stage name for years! It was cute and funny, just as Jeff described. I gave him the truthful reason that I’d let him call me Shelby for so long until I got to know him well enough (which he confessed that he knew at the time, probably wasn’t my real name in the first place) because of safety reasons: the way we first met. I also have a friend who is a police officer and he told me once that he’d actually think it was crazy for a female to give out her real name to someone she met on a dating site before she got to know them REALLY well. So, you can always add the safety factor to the humor. Good luck!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 18, 2007 at 11:07 am
Susan: Hey, if you can’t lie in internet dating, I don’t know what it’s even THERE for.
Sassy: Ahh, the old, “I know you’ll understand.” You could also add, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” If it works for Obi Wan Kenobi, it works for me.
Shelby: Yeah, I don’t think it’s being overly paranoid to keep things a little anonymous…at least until you’re reasonably sure the other person doesn’t have heads in mason jars in his basement.
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 18, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Thank You Jeff! For making me an honorary Man! I’ll be looking forward to receiving that penis! Actually, since I wrote that letter so long ago I’ve forgotten what that guy looks like now. And also he went off the site entirely the very next day after I wrote to you. Which makes me think…Since he was only on it for only a short time, I think his plan was to become a paying member so he could talk to and gather as many women and their phone #’s to live off and go through until he runs out. I’m sure he’ll be back on again when he runs out. But having said that, I think I don’t even want him anymore. A girl wants to feel special and pursued some ya know? After THAT happened I decided what the hell – to take it further! This time I’ve become several different people even a man, like a social experiment to see how people respond to each unique personality. I have to say that I never thought women were so aggressive towards chasing the men but they are also quite entertaining and kind. Men in the United Kingdom are quite intelligent and witty! Whereas men here in the U.S. cut to the chase and are mostly just after phone #’s. They don’t seem to want to do much talking or getting to know you first, which makes it a bit scary. When I gather all my info maybe I’ll write an article on it. At this point, I think men have it easier. More women write to and pursue my “man” more than men write to my many “women”. And I suspect most all of them are lying (about their ages especially – from the pics) and probably are stretching the truth about a whole lot more just like when people meet in the bars! Now what do you make of that!?
Comment from Jjenny
Time December 18, 2007 at 2:58 pm
I will admit to some little white lies I told in the beginning of my internet dating experience. While mine were small (I didn’t want to reveal where I lived just yet), I met lots of guys who lied big time (i.e., about their age, how long divorced/separated, etc).
However, when it came time to reveal my little “address lie”, these same guys had major problems with it and would not want to see me again! What the heck?
Jeff – I only wished you could “project” someone’s response as well as Obi Wan and Sassy…
Comment from Elizabeth
Time December 18, 2007 at 7:29 pm
Although it’s kind of funny, I wouldn’t come clean. It’s just.. too weird. And I could imagine he feels like he’s being ‘played’.
Can’t you just ‘stick’ to the first profile and tell him during the date that your name actually is Lorelei, but you didn’t want to tell him that on the dating site because of safety reasons?
Comment from Susan
Time December 18, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Loiralei, couldn’t you just take up knitting or something for fun? Isn’t it tiring juggling multiple personalities (plus your real one) and all the emails/contacts that come with it? Even though there are deceitful people out online — just like there are in bars, at work, etc., although you can see them firsthand there — do you really want to be one of them?
Sorry to sound like your mother (and maybe I’m old enough), but I agree with Elizabeth…no one likes to be played. It’s immature and my guess is you wouldn’t like it much either. Hey, I’m not perfect. My exercising “3-4 times a week” on my profile is only in my mind, but pretending I’m a man?
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 18, 2007 at 9:20 pm
I believe I’ve been on every dating site there is , or close in the past 7 years since my divorce. I find it interesting that some of you have mostly having the experience of the guy wanting phone numbers immediately and moving too fast. I usually got the guys who want to e-mail until the next decade. Mostly, I think they’re just gun shy or lonely but aren’t ready to take the next step. A couple e-mails and then a couple phone calls to see if you have anything in common and you like each other…and then you have to meet. No chemistry, no point. The sooner you find that out the better. I’ve only had a few guys be pushy. One was actually stalker scary. We were soul mates in his first e-mail. Creepy.
I just tell them straight out that they’re moving too fast and can we slow it down a bit and get to know each other. Not that tough. But like Susan, I mau be old enough to be your Mother. : )
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 18, 2007 at 9:23 pm
Oh and about 50% of them lied about their age and posted a picture that was at least 10 years old. What do they think? We’re not gonna notice when we meet?
Comment from hunter
Time December 18, 2007 at 11:46 pm
to loiralei,
What did you do?………you have my head spinning, ……I would definitely, not want to see you after all that………nnnooo…
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 19, 2007 at 7:13 am
Loiralei: I think you’re either going to get a Nobel Prize or a restraining order. But either way, I want to hear the story…
Jjenny: That’s a little weird that they’d freak out like that. I mean, I’m guessing they thought something along the lines of, “Ugh, this woman is paranoid! Too much work…” sort of thing.
Elizabeth: I’d be all about maintaining the lie forever as well. But I think there was something in the story that makes that impossible. I think she broke it off as the FIRST woman, no? It’s hard to keep track…
Susan: She’s knitting a web of deceit, does that count?
Theatregal: I love the “old picture” thing. Actors do that as well — they’ll use a headshot that is 15 years old, and hope the casting people don’t notice. Hilarious.
hunter: I think somebody hit hunter with some kryptonite. He’s fading!
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 19, 2007 at 1:41 pm
O.k…Susan, knittings not my thing, but I’ve sewed and done a little embroidery. I have lots of energy and do so many different things all the time! I put out the various profiles on the dating sites as a social experiment to learn how people both male and female act and react. Its been verrry interesting and a good learning experience. Who hasn’t honestly at one time wanted to be a member of the opposite sex for a day to see what their world is like? I’m not talking about having sex with these people or getting emotionally involved, meeting or whatev just lite interactions/talking/learning. I’m not hurting anyone by a little dating site flirt talk. If I was, everyone who goes on those sites would be a emotional cripple by now! Yes, I told some whoppers in order to play this dating game but I’ll bet everyone of these people ARE and DO lie also and in all due respect even you admitted you don’t do the exercise thing 3-4 times a/wk which is a…lie too (however little it is). Sorry. Theatregal, I wish I got more guys that wanted to email/ talk some first so I could get to know them. But I’ve learned if they talk too long they just want what’s called a virtual romance. Because they are married, involved, cheating or have some physical, mental, emotional problem and are maybe too shy or embarrassed to actually take it further. Or maybe they are doing a social experiment who knows!? See? What I learn I share! A LOT of them use those old high school photos its very sad. It makes you naturally think they must look pretty rough now in real life and they are just showing you their good younger days way back when! Again, a lie.. Hunter, you don’t want to see me now? Damn! And I though we were going to be soul mates forever and ever! Take a little kryptonite what can it hurt!? Its like that old Len Zeppelin song says: “Living, loving, its just a woman”… Don’t be afraid – buck up! (That’s hunter talk…) Jeff, I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and believe it or not my heart runs pretty deep. Its true what you say: “The other guys won’t tell you, but I will”. I have asked many, many men why they do what they do. Even my son, and none can give a straight-on understandable, human-like answer. You have deciphered so many things for me whether I liked it or not. And hey, we are all here to learn and grow aren’t we? So far definitely, I’ve discovered that woman are much more aggressive pursuers (on these sites anyway) than men are, which is a surprise really. I was ALWAYS taught to hang back “like a lady” and think now maybe I’ve been missing out by not misbehaving and going after what I want! Kind of like shopping.
Comment from Susan
Time December 19, 2007 at 3:01 pm
L – you’re absolutely right. I stretched the excercise truth (pun intended) because for the last several weeks I haven’t exercised more than once or twice a week, but I think it’s a tad different than pretending to be a whole other person. I just don’t get it, but we can agree to disagree on this one. Hopefully if you try shopping there will be a guy on the other end 
I think women (and men) feel more comfortable contacting a someone online vs. in person because it’s easier than walking up to a person you don’t know, and the sites are designed for nothing but contacting people. It definitely is true what Theatregal says, people post outdated photos and I’ve thought the same as her – like, you didn’t think I’d notice if we meet??! I’ve also dated guys who have told me women do the same. (For the record, my photos are from the last 6 months!) In the end no matter what, you just never know until you meet the person.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 20, 2007 at 7:33 am
Loiralei: I have to admit, if you hadn’t done your experiments, I would never in a zillion years have guessed that women were the aggressors online. I wonder if anyone’s done a study on why that is?
Susan: Hell, sometimes you don’t know even AFTER you’ve met them.
Pingback from Why Can’t a Dumping Man Leave Well Enough Alone? « Manslations
Time December 21, 2007 at 7:10 am
[...] is a first. Up until now, not even our resident superstar commenter, requester (and more recently, Honorary Man) Loiralei has managed to submit 2 great questions in one week. (Manslator’s Note: Ladies, if [...]
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 21, 2007 at 10:28 pm
Loralei,
I agree to a point about getting to know someone…BUT Anyone, as you know, can lie online and on the phone about anything. That’s why I like an in person, in public, meet up pretty early. You can tell a lot about someone from tone of voice and body language. Plus, chemistry is # 1 with me. I need all of the other things, but if the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl……we’re probably not going to make it. I had a friend who had a few weeks of constant e-mails, IMs, and phone calls. They were in love. Then the first meeting. One of those where you or he or both of you get “The face drop” when you lay eyes on each other. She spent the two longest hours of her life. He was charming, witty online, but in person….not so much. She said he couldbarely speak and looked nothing like his picture. She escaped any physical contact and then took the cowards way out and e-mailed him as soon as she got home that this wasn’t a good match. Had they met sooner, it wouldn’t have been so painful. Just my 2 cents.
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 21, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Jeff,
Thereare some really crazy, obsessed ladies online. One of my guy friends used tell me some amazing horror stories. One of them was a woman he got to know online. They met. They started dating. She had kids. They were crazy about him.This went on for several months. They talked about marriage or moving in together. They sat down one night and both took themselves off the site because as she said, “She’d found her soul mate”. He was crazy about her and her kids. The very next night, she didn’t answer the phone, didn’t return e-mails or voice messages. He waited a while. Finally swung by her place. She said if he didn’t leave her alone, she’d get a restraining order. He said he just wanted to know what happened. She told him to leave. So he did and immediately e-mailed me. A kind of “What the F—?” e-mail. I didn’t have a clue. I’ve known him forever. He’s a great guy. That was just one of his stories. We both steered clear of online dating for awhile. He finally jumped back into the online pool. We always joke because we always get matched too each other. No chemistry., unfortunately for eather one of us, but we’re still great friends. He met a gorgeous girl online sometime later and brought her to one of our theatre parties. They were engaged and they seem terrifically happy. So, I guess you just keep trying.
Comment from hunter
Time December 22, 2007 at 10:30 am
…hhmmhh,,how funny!….kryptonite!….buck up….how funny……
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 22, 2007 at 11:51 am
Hunter I love you. Signed, obsessed lady. Theatregal, I agree chemistry is the glue and the magnet. Without it, all either falls apart right off the bat, goes blah or icky, either way you have to get away. I’ve tried to stay with a guy I didn’t have a spark with because he was really nice but it just became icky. You get to where you don’t want them to touch you EVER and that’s not right or fair for them. That first lady your friend met online was truly a crazy. I wish I could introduce her to my ex so they could destroy each other. Like two super heroes of insanity – who needs kryptonite! A perfect match, and it would save everyone else from meeting them. I had a couple girlfriends and boyfriends in my life that were insane in the way that you never knew when they would turn on you for no reason. One gave me a red flag in the beginning telling me he was “very, very unpredictable”. He thought it was romantic and exciting to be a wackjob I guess. I still can’t figure it out except that they were just truly nutty. If you have any ounce of sanity left you absolutely HAVE to get away from these people or they’ll put you in the looney bin and just move on to next victim cause they’ll still be FINE with it all. Its their method of operation.
Comment from hunter
Time December 23, 2007 at 11:58 am
to loiralei,
…….”I didn’t have a spark with, because he was really nice”……how interesting, I have heard, nice guys, don’t get much business….and there are mountains, of nice guys out there…..
Comment from hunter
Time December 23, 2007 at 12:01 pm
to loiralei,
…luv u 2…….. : )
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 25, 2007 at 5:11 am
Hunter,
Just because a guy is “nice” doesn’t make him automatically unattractive. I’ve been nastily attracted to men that my friends find amazing not good looking. Some amazingly nice. The spark….the chemistry for me rarely has anything to do with looks. I wish I could pinpoint it. I don’t seem to have a “Type”. Lot’s of my friends, male and female do. have a “Type”. I’ve been in plays, where all most of the women are after the same guy, and he usualy isn’t that great looking. It’s something else. I won the one in the summer of “78″. I wish I could figure out the ingredients.
Loiralei,
I do seem to get the extremes. Either too much “getting to know you” and never any “getting to see you….like, in person”….or “you’re my soulmate…let’s get married” or “meet me in Palm Springs” after our 2nd phone call.
I’m enjoying your social experiment. Keep us updated. Isn’t it expensive?
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 25, 2007 at 5:30 am
P.S.
Loiralei,
I would love to hook up my guy friend’s Wacko with your ex and then get to be a fly on the wall. And like you I had a guy who gave me a Red Flag early on. He told me, one morning , while driving me home that he was an asshole. It may not show now, but it could turn up at any moment, so I should be prepared. For some stupid reason, I hung around until he proved it to me. I read or heard somewhere, that you should listen and always believe everything a man says. So, I’m trying harder these days not to reinterpret what they say, just because I want them to mean something else..
Happy Holidays!
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 25, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Hunter, I didn’t not want that guy “because he was nice” I loved that part about him. I LOVE nice. And by nice, I mean a good person in general that you can actually trust your life and heart with, even some “bad boys” can be good people. It was the part that almost MADE me stay with a guy I had no sparks with. There was just no sexual chemistry. And a guy DOES want to have sex with you reguardless eventually! Its like being with a treasured friend that you love alot but not THAT way. Nice guys are the only ones who are worth it. And its what every girl wants to finish with! Its not fun being in love or sharing your life with a cheater, liar, player, phony, abusive, narcissistic pig (and by the way I’ve dated all those). But nice guys are just SOOO hard to find! So you need to tell me exactly where that mountain of nice guys is so’s I can take a trek there! The scary part is a lot of guys are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They act like they are nice of course at first to suck you into their web. (I’m sure some women are like that too). And then there are those red flags that we sometimes choose to ignore because we can’t believe they are REALLY insane assholes, etc…Theatregal, that’s hilarious! And I read that too that men will usually tell you pretty much what they are all about with what they say and especially like Jeff said their actions right off. If you choose to listen. But I think we as women just choose not to see it or we forgive it or think it’ll be different with us. Whereas women come off a bit more complicated because they probably talk so much about so much, feelings, emotions, etc… men are overwhelmed with our girlie understandings and don’t listen with their short attention spans and so find it harder to understand what’s what. But then there are the new and yet unknown guys we can’t figure out, or lying, player guys and manipulative guys with agendas and secrets and guys that don’t tell you anything and you can’t even drag it out of them. That’s why we need Jeff’s manslations!
Comment from hunter
Time December 28, 2007 at 6:49 pm
to loiralei,
Interestingly enough, nice guys, have good jobs, and they stay in their own little circles.
Our attention span is small, but, we are working on becoming better listeners. I think the average man likes women, and they really don’t want to hurt them. It is like, up until recently,… there is info on relationships for men, but, even then, some, don’t believe what they read, if, they read about relationships at all…we all ask about the magic phrase to say…..and I don’t think there is one….
Comment from hunter
Time December 28, 2007 at 6:57 pm
to loiralei,
A 70 year old female therapist at a singles seminar was on the “nice guy subject.” She said, “ever since womens lib, mothers are saying, I want my son to grow up and be a nice man.”
The therapist went on to say, ” I have news for you ladies,…now we have nice guys all over, now what do we do”?
Comment from hunter
Time January 3, 2008 at 7:35 pm
to loiralei,
..a woman in the audience, asked the same question. The therapist responded, “pick men with your ears, not with your eyes….”
Comment from Susan
Time December 18, 2007 at 7:37 am
Loralei, Loralei… I agree with Jeff’s approach above and it IS funny and something you can laugh at, but as someone who has done online dating this doesn’t help its reputation much, you know? There are actually some men who want to get to know the person in the profile… and if you put something out there for fun or whatever, well, you generally know what you’re going to get in return. Stick to marketing the real you. Good luck and let us know what happens!