What do men fantasize about? What’s “cool”?
A reader named Scarlett wants to know about male fantasies. What do we think about? What makes for a fantasy girl? Read on to find out…
What do men consider a “cool” girl? What qualities are the MOST important in the one they really want to be with long term? What do men consider a fantasy girl? Is it one and the same? Or is the fantasy girl just that – a fantasy?
Dear Scarlett,
You ask several good questions, and I’ll address them one at a time, because…well…I don’t have to explain that, do I? One at a time, that’s how you do things.
WHAT DO MEN CONSIDER A “COOL” GIRL?
Depends on the man, depends on the girl. “Cool” can mean anything. To a nerd, a “cool” girl would be one who could whip his ass at Halo 3. To an S&M guy, a “cool” girl would skip the Halo 3 and just whip his ass. Different strokes for different folks. But there are a couple of common themes that I’ve heard fairly often:
- MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A MAN: Most men want to be with someone who reflects back the best parts of them, not one who is constantly judging them, belittling them, making them feel like less than they are. (Unless he’s the S&M guy above, in which case maybe he wants to meet someone who makes him feel like less than he’s ever felt before, I guess?)
- LOW MAINTENANCE: I guess this isn’t true of everyone, but many men I know have reported dislike of the woman who makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. A “cool” girl in this situation is the one who doesn’t require you to choose your words carefully, one who is forgiving when we’re, you know, US. Basically, someone that doesn’t feel like a chore to be around. (I used to date a woman who I later nicknamed, “So, what’s that supposed to mean?” after her favorite phrase. Excuse me, I just threw up a little remembering that relationship.)
- PUT HIM AT EASE…SORT OF: A lot of men do like to feel like there’s some danger in the air, for lack of a better word. Some unpredictability. But not if it means that you feel like you’re constantly in danger of, you know, being mistreated. That kind of danger, we can do without (and so can anyone, I guess. Well…except for our S&M friend who I’m guessing doesn’t want to feel like he’s constantly NOT in danger of being mistreated. Complex.)
QUALITIES MOST IMPORTANT FOR A LONG-TERM WOMAN
This one…I mean, there’s just no answer. It would be like asking me what are the qualities of a man’s favorite food. This one is all over the place. And a good thing, too. I mean…if there were set guidelines for this for ALL men, any women who didn’t fit them would be screwed, right?
WHAT DO MEN CONSIDER A FANTASY GIRL, or Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here…
If by “fantasy girl” you mean “girl about whom we fantasize”? Oh wow. There’s no great way to put this so that you’ll understand it since, I am told, that men and women fantasize very differently. Men have fantasies about everyone. Not everyone hot. Not everyone with perfect bodies. Not everyone who is our “type.” Everyone. Seriously. But as you can imagine our fantasies aren’t very linear or logical.
So when a man “fantasizes,” it’s not a story. And we don’t always dwell on the same woman for very long. As I’ve said before, if you want to understand the male fantasy system just imagine a meth-addicted chipmunk flipping through 800 channels of homemade porn starring every woman that ever entered his mind, even for a second. Sex fantasies don’t mean very much to us. It’s just our brain filing stuff where it belongs. “Ok, I’ve pictured sex with everyone, right? Wait, have I pictured her? Ok, got it. Move on.”
Now, if by “fantasy girl” you mean “girl we fantasize about being in a relationship with” that is a combination of ALL of the above. As in, the “cool girl” stuff, the sexual stuff, all of it.
YOUR JOB? FIND THE GUY FOR WHOM THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS IS “YOU.”
That’s what I’m saying, I guess. There’s no template. I mean, there are body types and behaviors that seem to trip more men’s triggers than others, I suppose. But that doesn’t really help YOU because if you’re IT, then you don’t have to do anything. And if you’re NOT it, what are you going to do, change? Give me a break, right? Not only is that nearly impossible, it’s not even DESIRABLE.
You don’t want the answers to these questions. The question YOU want answered is, “Where’s the guy that thinks that YOU are the cool girl, the fantasy girl, all of that?” Now, if I could answer THAT, there would be so much money in this room right now I wouldn’t be able to wade through it to reach the keyboard to type. But what I CAN tell you is that if you can really believe that there’s SOME guy out there who thinks that way about you, specifically (and there always is)…well, then you don’t have to waste all that time trying to figure out what this guy or that guy wants. You can just be YOU, and be looking for the guy who loves that. Much, much easier.
What say you manslatees? Any info on what men think is cool? Fantastical? Both?
Posted: December 20th, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time December 20, 2007 at 11:47 am
I think there is probably no general answer to that question. Or at least, I don’t think there is a general answer to that question that is very detailed… I mean, in the end, everyone likes people who make you feel good, comfortable, secure, etc… but what kind of person is this may vary a lot for each of us. Does this makes sense?
On the other hand, if we are talking about sex, I get the impression that men like pretty much all women. OK, I don’t mean LITERALLY all women, but a lot of them, and not necessarily a certain type. A male friend once said that the greatest thing about tits is that they come in different sizes and shapes, implying that they are all nice (it would seem that women’s worries about their tits is therefore unjustified). Another male friend said that he wanted to have sex with pretty much every woman.
Comment from Sian
Time December 20, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Good answer manslator. ….but I can’t help ponder that rather than worrying about what a man thinks is cool, women could work out what they think is cool in a guy. Then it becomes a level playing field.
Therein lies the answer.
Comment from LA Lady
Time December 21, 2007 at 2:37 am
Hi Jeff,
I loved this post, especially the visual in my head with the chipmunk and 800 channels of porn! I think I finally understand what you have been saying about guys having sex in their heads with every women they come across. Great explanation!
I would like to know more about the comment “men like to feel like there is danger in the air”. What exactly does that mean? Keep them off balance? Don’t fall into a rut? How about a post that explains that concept in more detail?
Thanks,
LA Lady
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time December 21, 2007 at 9:26 am
Susan: Muchos gracias, mon frer.
mar: Your friends were honest with you. I think you might have your own personal manslators. Cling to them with hoops of, you know, steel and stuff.
Sian: Always a good idea. Get your OWN thing together, and the right guys come a flockin’. Or at least you don’t need to mess too much with the wrong ones.
LA Lady: Good idea for a post. In general, I guess what I’m saying is that guys do like it when a woman seems to be caught up in something that is unusual and unexpected for her. As opposed to, you know, the idea that she’s seen his kind before, and Y-A-W-N.
Comment from Susan
Time December 21, 2007 at 1:10 pm
You’re bilingual…even though I think you just thanked your brother!
de nada, mi amigo de la magnifica traduccion de los hombres
(AP Spanish in high school. I had to look up the word for “translation”, but still…)
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 21, 2007 at 9:05 pm
He did thank his brother in Spanish and French, although even though my French is a little shaky now, brother is frere with an “e” on the end, I believe. First two words, Spanish…Second two words French. So, that would make our boy Trilingual, when we include English. Amazing!
Comment from hunter
Time December 23, 2007 at 11:34 am
Two things that we want. We want a woman to be there, be available. We want a woman, that can be herself, one that we can help us be real…
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 25, 2007 at 4:22 am
Well, Hunter, I’ve always been that girl and I’m good looking, funny, fun, smart, and am always myself and honest. I’m not a good at game playing. So, Where is he? My last guy always said that “I made him want to be a better man” and he was “honored by my love”. But he still needed a stable. I wanted to be the one and only, not the one of many. I told him that at the very beginning. He told me he wanted the same thing. Apparently not. He still doesn’t want to completely let me go. He says, “I can’t commit, but I can’t let go.” This is him talking.
I finally let go. We’ll see what happens. He usually freaks when I don’t behave in my usual way. His reaction when I don’t answer the phone should be interesting.
Happy Holidays!
Comment from Melissa
Time December 28, 2007 at 8:56 pm
ok..like…im sorry but even chicks kno that every guys fantasy is jessica alba…duhh
Comment from didi
Time January 6, 2008 at 8:58 am
does that mean that men only fantasize about banging any girl and that it ???? or do they fantasize about how much they would love to f… her over and over . i think those men are sucks and a piece of shit
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time January 6, 2008 at 9:56 pm
didi: What I mean is that men generally don’t fantasize about romance. Not just “those” men, either. And we’re super sorry about being sucks.
Comment from Susan
Time December 20, 2007 at 10:39 am
Can’t…answer…questions… laughing too hard from the S&M “whip the ass” and “chipmunks on speed watching porn” comments! Good ones, JM, very good. And a touching and honest close, as we’ve come to expect.