Why Can’t a Dumping Man Leave Well Enough Alone?
Welcome to Friday here at Manslations, and well, this is a first. Up until now, not even our resident superstar commenter, requester (and more recently, Honorary Man) Loiralei has managed to submit 2 great questions in one week. (Manslator’s Note: Ladies, if you want to attempt to break Loiralei’s record, or just have a question for me, the line starts HERE.)
Today’s question is about the strange male behavior that many folks saw on “The Bachelor” this season, where the guy kept telling his dump-ees such lovey things that it made you wonder, “Uh…so why are we breaking up, again?” And while it may be confusing to women, I can guarantee you that there was not ONE man watching that show who didn’t know exactly what was going on. Read on, ladies.
Why do men after they have discarded a relationship with you and said they were no longer interested in pursuing anything further with you say something like: “I will always love you. I dream about you all the time. You will always be in my heart and mind”. These are the words my ex actually e-mailed me after the fact. If they STILL have such STRONG feelings for you why are they no longer interested in being with you anymore? This has happened to me several times and I saw it happen on “The Bachelor” the other night.
This time on “The Bachelor” it was a first, where the “bachelor” actually rejected ALL of the women. In the final episode entitled “After The Final Rose” the last two women he turned down got a chance to ask him why he didn’t pick them or anyone else. He said it was because he didn’t want to string anyone of them along with feelings that just weren”t there for him. Previously though, he had made a big point to get the last two women to profess THEIR love for him before he rejected them. I guess even that wasn’t enough, he either didn’t believe them or just didn’t care enough for each one to pursue it any further. I appreciated and respected his honesty for not being a fake and stringing these women along when he felt nothing, he refused to even want to just date or see them casually afterwards.
That is, until he hugged the last tearful woman goodbye and whispered in her ear, “I will miss you more than you will every know.” She in turn said, “Don’t even say that to me right now!” (Exactly what I would’ve said but with some #$@^%&! added to it)! They would’ve had to bleep me! Why did he have to ruin his honesty with a fake comment? Why do men have to lie and make that their feelings are so strong and grandiose when you KNOW damn well they are not? Is it because they want to look like a good guy while they are rejecting you? Is it because they want you to love THEM anyway while it is clear they do not love or want you? Why do they have to try and continue to give you a surge of hope when you KNOW it is all futile and that its over for them?
Dear Loiralei,
You know what? You nailed it, I believe. You ask, “Is it because they want to look like a good guy while they are rejecting you?”
YES.
That’s exactly what it looked like to me on The Bachelor. (I always watch the last episode because, I friggin’ LOVE it when they kick in with the “Ode to a Girl Who Just Got Rejected” music. Lord help me, I do love it so. Hilarious music cues on that show.)
Anyway, yes, while pretty much everything out of that guy’s mouth seemed to be “I care about you more than blah blah blah,” the real manslation was, “Please don’t dislike me, please don’t hate me, please don’t let me be the bad guy here.”
THE POWER OF CRYING: A MANSLATIONS EXPOSE
As any woman over the age of let’s say 20 or so knows, crying is the checkmate of relationship talk. It’s the one that men can’t handle. Ok…it’s one of the many things that men can’t handle. In fact, now that I say this, I’m trying to think of things that I can handle. Hm. I’m sure I’ll come up with one. Anyway, crying is our Kryptonite, our achilles heel. It’s like you poked Achilles right in the heel with a piece of pointy Kryptonite. It’s pretty bad.
WHY? you ask? I know, I know, it’s not that big of a deal for you. Well, for a guy, crying happens only in an emergency situation. As I’ve said before, we think it’s the kind of emergency that involves an emergency ROOM. Many men go to battle stations.
“Full alert! Stop those tears! Do NOT, repeat do NOT be the guy who caused crying!”
See, for us, we never cry unless there is a big, big problem that needs a solution, like, NOW. So when you’re crying, we go a little nuts.
“She wants us to do something to help. She wants us to say something. What can I do!? What can I say!?”
And we end up saying what that Bachelor guy said about, “I care about you more than you’ll ever know,” or whatever it was. He thinks she wants him to say that. Nevermind the fact that it’s not true, he’s just trying to solve the problem. Sigh. What a doofus.
AN EMBARRASSING TALE FROM THE MANSLATOR’S FILES
What, you don’t keep “files” on the relationship mistakes you make? I’ve got a warehouse.
I was once in…let’s call it the crappiest, most depressing relationship ever. But I couldn’t leave it. Why? Because each time we sailed close to Let’s Not Date Anymore Isle, whoa nelly. She would cry as if I had taken her child and put him/her on the train to a Siberian mining camp. (Manslator’s Note: She didn’t actually HAVE a child, but that’s ok because neither did I have a Siberian mining camp. Or a train. This was all in her head, you understand.)
Now, intellectually I knew that this crying stuff wasn’t all about me. I mean, just because I’m the most wonderful man in the world doesn’t mean that everyone can SEE that about me. And she definitely fell into the, “Yeah, I don’t see that about you,” category. So why all the crazy?
Well, I sure know NOW. The crazy was there because that stuff worked. Let me tell you what, I hauled in the sails, and turned around, back toward the Oh What The Hell It’s Not Like There’s Anyone Else Around Right Now Sea. I caved every time. I chickened out for so long that I actually had to steer us into the Straits of Being Such a Jerk That She Broke Up With Me.
Not proud of it. But at least I lived to tell the tale.
(Manslator’s Note: Some have questioned my geography here. But I was there, man. The horror. The horror.)
THE POINT
I thought I’d just type “The Point” in there so you’d know when you could safely stop skimming.
The point, my dear chickadees, is this. Some men, sometimes, will do ANYthing to attempt to stop a woman from crying. No, that’s not quite true. He will not do anything, but he will SAY anything. And not in a “standing outside your house with a boombox” kind of “say anything” either. I’m talking all the nonsense on The Bachelor.
This, once again, falls under the heading of the Manslations Golden Rule. Whenever there is any conflict between what a man says and what he does, ALWAYS ALWAYS IGNORE WHAT HE SAYS. I know how tempting it must be to want to believe some of this crapola. But if what he’s doing is leaving, I don’t care what he’s saying. (If I’m totally honest, I don’t really care what he’s saying regardless. I mean, I’m not dating him.)
Good Luck, Loiralei! As an Honorary Man, you’ll have to learn this move or we won’t let you into the meetings where we play Xbox and think up new ways to confuse women.
Ladies? Ever had a man say how crazy he was about you even as he dumped you? And what did you throw at him? Was it heavy?
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Need a Manslation? Well…I’m not trying to tell you your business, but…I mean, there’s a page right up there called “Need a Manslation?” Or you could just click HERE.
Posted: December 21st, 2007 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Terry
Time December 21, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Yeah, it happened to me once.
I think the guy was trying to make it easier for me, but it just made it harder. He should have just told the truth: “You’re a nice enough girl, but you’re not the one for me.”
A sharp knife hurts less than a dull one.
Comment from Shelby
Time December 21, 2007 at 2:30 pm
I think my friend (and boss) Alex has to be the nicest guy in the entire world, per this post! He dates many women for “certain” reasons. (yes, he’s one of those…) And even when they have cried and begged, he stands firm with the “I have enjoyed this relationship but I told you in the beginning to take it for what it was. Let’s not make this any more difficult.” I’ve known him for 9 years and have watched him in action. YES! It’s much better for the guy to be sweet but at the same time, not lie and plant seeds of false hope.
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 21, 2007 at 8:38 pm
I also want to know along with Elizabeth, why if when a man dumps you, and you tell him you don’t want any contact after that because you did have feelings for him and it does hurt you too much. WHY???? After THEY did the dumping can’t they let go and leave you the hell alone??? Why do they keep comming back, calling every couple mths, acting like they are concerned or CARE and saying that?? WHY do they still say THEY STILL LOVE YOU, dream about you, etc..MONTHS AFTER THE FACT when they had every opportunity to let it go let it be – How dare they?! What’s the reason for this disturbing you every couple mths or so – I asked this above and you didn’t answer this part yet..please do tell?!
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 21, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Oh, and my boyfriend could care less when I cried didn’t move him at all. He’d just say, “Oh why are you being like that”? Like I was his irritating little sister or something.
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 21, 2007 at 10:04 pm
Shelby,
I have a man friend who I kinda was his go to girl during his divorce for “what hell is she doing” advice. We’ve known each other since we were 12. Once she told him she didn’t love him, wasn’t sure if she ever loved, didn’t like sex,felt forced to have kids and wanted a divorce…oh and he could have custody of their kids. He set her up in her own condo. He helped her buy her salon. He set up counseling. She went, but the counselor told him his wife was done a long time ago She spent as much time away from home as she could.. She just wanted to say she had done everything by going to counseling. So, he wants to file papers and get it over with, even though he still loved her ( God knows why). She kept dragging her feet. He used the analogy with her about, “pulling the Bandaid off quickly verses slowly”. She said she liked slowly. Once he knew the truth, he wanted it quick. and less painful for him and his kids.I told him, what does she care. For the past few years, she’s gotten everything she wants. You get divorced, she loses some. This way she gets your financial support, she see’s the kids when she wants, insurance, etc. Being upfront and truthful from the beginning is much less painful. One can talk themselves into things, but if the oher person is honest from the beginning and sticks to it, it’s much better….absolutely.
Comment from Shelby
Time December 22, 2007 at 8:21 am
Theatregal, that sounds like an absolutely awful scenario! I guess it’s both men AND women who can play the “band-aid game.” And it also sounds like your friend was such a soulful, sweet man. He certainly did not deserve the treatment he received from his wife. Thank goodness you were there for him. He’s very lucky!
Comment from sara
Time December 23, 2007 at 1:24 am
I completely agree with Elizabeth too about some men still wanting contact after they have cut it off… ..wt#$%#? That was my story with the ex walking out on me and my son more than once…..but he still cared and loved me etc. You wonder if they like to torture you or even see if they could get a freebie for their ego who knows. I just know that distance helps with the healing.
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 23, 2007 at 7:57 am
My ex husband actually offered me $100.00 for a booty call. He was living with someone else at the time. We’ve been divorced for 7 years and he still asks, but he doesn’t want get back together. Neither do I. I always say no to the booty calls.
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 23, 2007 at 11:37 am
Theatregal, you should offer him $200 to get lost!
Comment from Loiralei
Time December 23, 2007 at 11:39 am
In “Femslations” talk that mean to go F*** himself…
Comment from Theatregal
Time December 24, 2007 at 3:17 am
He knows.
Pingback from The Fade or the BAM? Which is a Better Rejection? « Manslations
Time January 11, 2008 at 6:50 am
[...] recently wrote about this very thing in this post — and it has mostly to do with a fear of being the bad guy. We really don’t want to be [...]
Comment from Mar
Time April 6, 2009 at 12:07 pm
This makes me laugh. Every time I look at your email, Jeff, you seem to answer whatever issue is haunting me.
In this case, it’s a dear female friend who keeps trying for the questionable ones, and does it alot. She’s driving me crazy by sharing all, and I do mean all, even if I don’t want to hear it. I sometimes wonder if she’s doing this for attention. It becomes anoying to listen to it all, but I can’t say I haven’t made mistakes, just not twice or three times or four times in a row. Seems the ones who are needy fit her bill, as anyone else would just say good bye and not be so easy to manipulate due to financial dependance. This last one has gotten her to allow him to move in, no rent, no stirngs attached with sex benifits. Things got a little sticky when he told her once again he didn’t want a relationship while she was practicing her obsessive ways, but he realized she was hurt, and told her no sex, as he felt that hurt her, too, and he would find a new place to live. Now, if physical attention was all she wanted, the local bar or gym would have many men to provide for physical needs, but she wants to feel helpfull and needed, not sleezy. Did I mention she’s working on her doctorate and I bet you can geuss what for. This one loves to talk about personal problems and she is a godsend when you need some one to listen. Well, now she’s told him he can bring other women to her home, where he’s staying and not paying rent. (Just does the dishes once in a while.) Can you guess what that got her. A roll in the hay.
She could tell I wasn’t thirlled and really didn’t want to hear the details. I told her she was trying to convince me again, of something she thought was so right (that I had previously told her is what she does when she knows better). I didn’t want to tell her that she had just spent the past three hours talking my ear off about something that only effects her, and will hurt her, big time. I feel she’s acting too foolishly to fill the shoes in the feild she is studying (but that would crush her) and I’d hate to see her counsel someone else into this same mess. I’d like to say I really don’t care, but I wouldn’t be writing this down if that were true. She had to call the police on the last one and I held her hand while she did it.
She faked a “feeling sick again” situation and went home and didn’t show up again for our trip to listen to her other lost cause sing at a coffee house the next morning (He’s 48, a gifted song writer, an addict and lives with his mother. She just paid for his car payment, but he has a suspended license.). I wonder why she does this, but I kind of have a wild guess. Attention. Too bad.
She really is a delightful person to be around when not obsessive. She could have a wonderfull relationship, if she went looking for one that wanted her, too. Just have to remember that “No” means no and anyone who goes back on it has some alterior motive, regardless of wether or not we know the reason.
Comment from TP
Time April 6, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Oh Lord –I totally relate. My ex broke up with me and I never ran after him. He’s the one who kept calling me every month. Finally he sends me a text message asking me to forget about him and leave him alone. Leave him alone?! He’s the one that kept rekindling contact with ME. All I did was not hang up on him when he called; I never initiated anything. I just don’t understand men.
Comment from Caitlyn
Time April 3, 2011 at 6:07 pm
Loiralei: In my experience it’s the insecure guys, the bored ones, the selfish ones and the impulsive guys who casually drop in and say “just so you know I think of you all the time I miss u I love u”… They do this because THEY CAN. All without any regard for the days and weeks you suffered waiting for his phone call. The pangs of longing and fear you had. Then they just email or phone with “oh no reason, I just wanted to talk to you.”. Meanwhile, they don’t even bother to spell check… I had a dude tell me he waited his whole life to meet someone like me but he thought I was too good for him.. WTF? Turns out he was engaged. And he lied about not believing in marriage.
Comment from Elizabeth
Time December 21, 2007 at 8:29 am
He said something like this: ‘I really love you. You’re such a loving person, thanks for all the love you gave me during our relationship’. And that was before I started crying. Obviously I packed my stuff as quickly as I could and took a run for it. I don’t like people seeing me cry. But that’s just me.
I do have a little follow up question, if you don’t mind Jeff. Why is it when the ex knows I have feelings for him (I said that) and also said I don’t want any contact because it’s too difficult, he refuses to ‘let me go’. I mean, HE dumped ME. Shouldn’t he be happy with this solution?