manslations

Hello and welcome to the last manslation of 2007. After today, I’ll be on hiatus until after the holidays (I’m running around to all kinds of weird Christmas places, spreading some damn cheer, ok?)

For our manslation of the day, we’re back for another round of, “Jeez, is this guy interested or NOT?” A reader calling herself Bloomsbury Bell has had about 5 near misses with a guy she works with (with way, WAY too much unhelpful help from their mutual friend.) Let’s see if we can’t get to the bottom of this, shall we?

(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: This is another case where I’m going to excerpt the important points, and leave the unedited text at the bottom. I just don’t want to break nobody’s internets.)

• …talked for about an hour an a booze cruise, and he invited me to join a group of friends for dinner. I was non-committal…
• …I decided I wanted to go, so I called and left him a voice mail…
• …a lot of good eye contact and after dinner walked back to the hotel together and talked. But again I got cold feet…
• …The next morning he called me (having just gotten my message from the day before)…
• …we hung out and then, long after the party was over, we walked about a mile and a half back to the hotel together. This time Mike had to turn in early so once we got the the hotel we went our separate ways.…
• …I asked Tom, a mutual friend who works in my office, if he knew whether Mike was in a relationship. Tom immediately had a reason he need to go to the other branch, which is about a ten minute drive away. Ten minutes and 15 seconds later, Mike called me on my cell phone to ask a pretty made-up sounding work-related question. But then that was it…
• …I invited him to join a group who were going to a concert I had some tickets for. It really didn’t go well. Tom and his girlfriend were the only other people who came, so it was like a date that wasn’t, and was just plain uncomfortable….
• …after I got to the party, Mike came over and said to the people I was talking with that he “had to came say hello to” me and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. We exchanged a few pleasantries, and then he went on to another part of the room. Then a little later he came over while I was talking to Tom, and from that point, he never left my side for the next hour until the party was over. But I have not heard from him at all since then except about two minutes when we passed in the hall and he doubled back to talk to me….

Dear Bloomsbury Bell,

I know you’re having trouble reading him, but this sounds to me like a textbook case of him not being able to read YOU. (I realize that there’s no textbook, but that’s just because I’m only halfway done writing it. Cut me some slack! You’re not the boss of me, sentence I just wrote!)

Ahem. Back to planet Earth.

Ok, so here’s my interpretation of what seems to have been happening with HIM:

You say at one point that you didn’t want to call because you had made the last 3 moves. I can’t find those moves. And I think that’s the trouble. You think you’re making moves, but from his perspective you’re not only not making moves, it’s not even clear that you want HIM to make them.

Here’s what I see:

• He asked YOU to go to this dinner (semi “move” on his part there, since it was only for a group thing), and you turned him down at first. You changed your mind, but still, that wasn’t exactly a “move.” And at the end of the night you say that you “got cold feet” which I’m assuming means that you shut the evening down when it seemed like it could have continued, yes? Also not a “move.”
• You danced together/walked home after the reception. That’s also not exactly a “move” for either of you. All you did (from your description) was not walk away from each other. Now, that’s a good start. But it’s not a definitive move. You both just hung out.
• You asked Tom if Mike was in a relationship (not a move, although TOM gets credit for logging one move on your behalf — uh, thanks “pal.”). And when Mike called, the conversation never got past whatever lame work-related thing he had come up with as an intro. I’d call this one a draw. He seems to have tried to make a move, but chickened out. Could it be that when he called, he got no sense from you of whatever Tom (thanks again helpish Tom!) told him?
• You asked him to join a “group of friends” to see a concert (again, semi-move there). And when it turned out to be a semi-double-date-ish-type-thing? Well, that just made it more confusing. Are we ON a date, are we NOT? Seems like you weren’t too interested in being chatty, and seems like he wasn’t sure how to react to that. So even if we credit you with the move there, it gets annulled by the weirdness of the evening that made him have to question WHAT he was doing there.
• Now, we get to Tom’s party. Seems like he makes an effort to pay attention to you, spend time with you, etc. That’s what I get from his behavior. What about yours? Did you find ways to encourage him? Did you flirt? Did you find ways to let him know that you were interested? If someone were looking at the two of you from across the room, would they be able to tell that you were flirting with him?

HE DOESN’T KNOW

I have to tell you, from all that you’ve said here it really seems like you both like each other quite a bit. The awkwardness alone tells me a lot about both of you. However, I’m getting a sense that you believe you’re being clearer with HIM than you actually are.

I have heard many times from many different women, “Ugh, I was being SO OBVIOUS!” and when they tell me what they were doing that was so obvious, it turns out to have been the equivalent of sitting in a sealed and cork-lined room thinking “I LIKE YOU” with all of their might. Is it possible that you’re not giving him the greenlight?

In this case, I just don’t know. You don’t seem to be showing him that you DON’T like him, but the vibe I get is that you might not be showing him that you DO either. He’s probably a little confused. And to be fair to you, he seems more than a little timid about the whole thing as well.

WHAT TO DO NOW?

Well, you’ve got options. The key is, though, that you must somehow communicate to him that you’re interested in him. How might you do that? Well, you could:

• RESORT TO THE TRUTH: You could say, “Hey, look, I feel like we’ve been dangerously close to actually going on a date a couple of times. I hope this isn’t weird, but…you want to actually go on one?”
• HINT — BUT FOR REAL THIS TIME: It seems like in your circle there are more than enough opportunities to spend some time in the same room together outside of work, but without actually going ahead and asking him out. If you find yourself at one of these (or if you can orchestrate one — hello, New Year’s Eve…) then I’d say you need to exercise your flirt muscle. You don’t have to throw yourself all over him (though that one does work). Just make sure that you’re actually flirting in a way that he can SEE.

You know how to flirt, Bloomsbury Bell. So do it. There’s nothing to lose here. The very worst that can happen is nothing. Which is already happening. Well, I guess there are worse things that could happen. He could have a bomb in his vest pocket that is set to explode if he is flirted with. That’d be bad. But the odds of that happening are relatively low.

Good luck, Bloomsbury Bell! I think he likes you, and I think with a little encouragement, you’ll get your shot.

Oh ladies? How can Ms. Bell be a little clearer with her Bloomsbury Beau?

Happy Holiday’s, manslatees! Can’t wait for more in 2008!

And while I’m gone, please feel free to keep the comment conversations going (those comments have been multiplying like little comment BUNNIES this weekend!) and if you have a question, as always, don’t hesitate to ask!

And no parties — I swear if you guys put together some kind of a prostitution ring in here and end up putting a crack in my decorative glass egg on the mantelpiece, I don’t know WHAT I’ll do. You’ve got PRINCETON to think about, mister!

–

I need help figuring out if this is a case of mutual hesitancy, or if the guy is just not interested.

Several months ago, on a company trip, I got to know a co-worker from another branch office (but working in the same city as me). Mike and I talked for about an hour an a booze cruise, and he invited me to join a group of friends for dinner. I was non-committal because at that time I had only been single a few months, but I decided I wanted to go, so I called and left him a voice mail asking where the group was meeting. I didn’t hear back, but a friend of mine invited me to join the same dinner group. During dinner we were sitting about two seats too far apart to talk, but had a lot of good eye contact and after dinner walked back to the hotel together and talked. But again I got cold feet and just went up to my room when we got to the hotel.

The next morning he called me (having just gotten my message from the day before) but I was on a tour and had my ringer off, and didn’t know who had called until I saw him at a reception that night and he sad he had tried to call. I had spent about nine hours at that point obsessively hoping it had been him. There was dancing at the party and we danced in the same group (interacting with each other but not really dancing together). After the party ended we hung out and then, long after the party was over, we walked about a mile and a half back to the hotel together. This time Mike had to turn in early so once we got the the hotel we went our separate ways.

About three weeks after the trip, I couldn’t stop hoping he would call, but didn’t really know his status, so I asked Tom, a mutual friend who works in my office, if he knew whether Mike was in a relationship. Tom immediately had a reason he need to go to the other branch, which is about a ten minute drive away. Ten minutes and 15 seconds later, Mike called me on my cell phone to ask a pretty made-up sounding work-related question. But then that was it. No more contact after that until few weeks later when I sent him an email and we sent a few messages back and forth and I invited him to join a group who were going to a concert I had some tickets for. It really didn’t go well. Tom and his girlfriend were the only other people who came, so it was like a date that wasn’t, and was just plain uncomfortable. Mike and I sat together, but there was never an intermission, and although he spoke to me a few times I really don’t like to talk during a performance. He had really awkward body language the whole time. Then when the concert was over, Tom, who had driven me there, bolted for the exit calling over his shoulder “Hey, are you getting a ride back from Mike?” I did, but felt foolish. Mike gave me a really stiff hug goodbye when we go to the lot where I had left my car a few miles from the concert hall. I imagine he felt like he had been set up.

I wanted another chance because I just felt like we hadn’t had any opportunity to talk and it was just not really me at my best that night. But I wasn’t going to call him again, since I had made the the last three moves and it was his turn. That was right around Labor Day. Tom had a party at the end of October and invited both of us. About 20 minutes after I got to the party, Mike came over and said to the people I was talking with that he “had to came say hello to” me and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. We exchanged a few pleasantries, and then he went on to another part of the room. Then a little later he came over while I was talking to Tom, and from that point, he never left my side for the next hour until the party was over. But I have not heard from him at all since then except about two minutes when we passed in the hall and he doubled back to talk to me.

Is he interested in me but holding back for some reason? Or am I just attractive enough to him that when I’m around and no one better is there, he can talk to me for hours but he’s not really interested enough to think of me or call me when I’m not around? I might try calling him again if I thought it were the former, but I really don’t want to call him if it’s the latter. Meanwhile, despite going out with and talking to other guys, I can’t stop thinking about Mike. I really like him and think we could be good friends even if we didn’t ever have a relationship.

I know this sounds like the angst of a teen, but Mike and I are both in our late thirties, we’re both divorced and are both parents. I feel like it should be easier to figure out what’s going on at this point in my life.