A Constantly Criticizing Man…
Welcome back, manslatees! And welcome to 2008! Today, we’re going to start off with a touchy one. What happens when your man just won’t stop criticizing you? Jenya writes:
Hi Jeff,
My husband wants to have sex very often and it would be great, but he destroys EVERYTHING by constantly criticizing me in bed and out.
Any suggestions?
Jenya
Dear Jenya,
Well, as I think you might already know, this has nothing to do with sex. If a man (or anyone) is constantly criticizing you or anyone else, it’s not really even about YOU, let alone any one specific thing you’re doing.
WHY MIGHT HE BE CONSTANTLY CRITICIZING?
I’ve met a few of these guys in my time here on earth. (I don’t know why I had to add “on earth.” If I’m being honest, that’s where I’ve spent almost all my time.) I was even semi-related to one for a while there. Given that your message wasn’t too explicit about it, I can’t be sure what his deal is. There are a bunch of reasons to do this. Let’s go through some of the possible reasons for this behavior:
- He just loves you and wants to help you improve yourself. Yeah, this is never the reason. He might SAY it is. Hell, I’m almost SURE he says that. But honestly? No way. Why? Because it never, never works, right? I mean, he’s not actually “improving” you as much as just “annoying the shart out of you.”
- He feels insecure. Ok, we’re getting somewhere now. Often a constant criticizer feels like people around him don’t believe that he’s smart or in control (because HE doesn’t believe it) and so he makes DAMN sure everybody knows how smart he is by telling YOU how much smarter he is than you. Nice, huh?
- He wants YOU to feel insecure. This is possibly the ugliest reason. And very possible. This one, again, comes from insecurity. He’s afraid you’re not going to need him anymore. He wants you to hear all the criticism and think to yourself, “Wow. I am a real screwup. Thank all the gods of Olympus I’ve got this guy to straighten me out!” (Hey, I don’t know what religion you are.)
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT? It’s up to him whether or not he’s going to be able to even HEAR that he’s doing anything wrong in the first place. I mean, that’s the whole thing about constantly criticizing — you’re making sure that you’re throwing all the focus off of yourself and onto what everyone ELSE is doing wrong.
I consulted with my main squeeze about this, and we kicked some ideas around. She asked, “What if she told him that she just wanted criticism to be off-limits in their relationship?” As in, she’d get that sort of feedback from other sources, but that she needed support from him? We thought about that, and because she was so wrong, wrong, wrong, I criticized her until…Kidding, of course. No, but what I thought about THAT sort of thing is, it might stop the criticism, but it would be the beginning of the end. Anytime you put barbed wire around a part of yourself (even if it’s to save your sanity) it’s going to feel like you’ve separated each other. This is not a coincidence because, you know, you HAVE.
No, I think that the only way through (if it’s possible) is by OPENING doors, not closing them. This kind of behavior seems to be a symptom of a lack of communication on SOME front. I mean, at the very least, he must not know that it is “ruining everything” as you say. The two of you have to come to some kind of a meeting of the minds about this.
Well, either that or you have to agree not to mind that you aren’t that close. Which, you know, some folk do, I suppose.
WHAT NOT TO BOTHER WITH
Don’t even trouble yourself trying to “convince” him to stop via logic. A constant criticizer won’t likely admit to having flawed logic of any kind. You don’t want to bother to fight him about it.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STOP PLAYING ALONG
Here’s something to know about dealing with a guy like this. If it really is an insecurity thing, when you stop accepting this sort of criticism…uh…he’s not gonna like it. It will smack right up against the insecurity that is making him do it in the first place.
“Holy crap. She’s calling my bluff! Battlestations!”
His reaction might very well be to defend his criticism as so, so helpful. He might accuse YOU of being overly defensive. (Which sounds to me like, wait, I’m trying to remember — there’s something about a pot and a kettle and…hm, probably not important.)
He might get sulky and pouty. He might act wounded and offended. He might get MORE critical.
What he is NOT so likely to do is to say, “You know what? You’re right. I’ve been such a jerk about this.”
SO HOW BEST TO APPROACH IT?
I think that however you get this conversation going is going to be a little bumpy. The question is, what’s going on? Is this a NEW behavior? And if so, what started it? Did something change in your lives? Or is it just your displeasure with it that is new? Why is this happening NOW?
What do you want to happen here? What’s the outcome that you want? I know you want him to stop criticizing you, but more importantly, what do you want him to START doing? That would be a great place to begin the conversation. Telling him what you need, rather than focusing first on what you don’t need. It could be that this has just become a habit, and all he needs is a course correction with a little help from you.
He needs to know that, regardless of what he THINKS is happening when he criticizes, your reaction is to feel lousy. And even if he THINKS that you shouldn’t feel that way, you do. And even if he THINKS that criticism helpful, the result is that he is hurting you. He needs to be able to hear that.
Good Luck, Jenya. This is a tough one. And to be very honest it’s not one that every couple survives (nor should they, in many cases.) But if you want to work this out, I’d say that MORE communication, MORE vulnerability, and MORE understanding of what you want to happen between the two of you is a great place to get started.
What do you say, manslatees? Anybody recovered from a Konstant Krazy Kriticizer? How’d you do it?
Posted: January 3rd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Susan
Time January 3, 2008 at 11:15 am
I’d also add professional counseling to what Jeff said. Seriously consider it for both of you, if he’ll agree to go, or you alone to have someone help you figure out coping strategies or the outcome you’d like. I’ve known couples who have lived for decades like this and it isn’t pretty. In some cases I think the criticizer was depressed or the like, but it’s really no way to live, especially if this is a constant, long-term behavior…in my opinion. Good luck!
Comment from LA Lady
Time January 3, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Wow, very insightful Jeff (and significant other). I was in a relationship like this for almost 9 years. I never figured out why he was so hypercritical, but it sure took its toll on me. I truely believe that this type of relationship is emotional abuse, it wears away at your self confidence, and affects your ability to have postive relationships with men in the future.
Jenya – you don’t mention how long you have been in this relationship, nor how old you and your husband are, which are both important variables in how willing he will be to change his behavior.
The advice offered by Susan is spot on – find a good couples counselor and/or individual counselor for you, as you will need some objective input on whether this relationship can be modified or saved. Based on my experience it most likely can’t be saved, and you are better cutting the cord sooner and reducing the emotional toll and scars.
Comment from hunter
Time January 3, 2008 at 7:52 pm
…finding a counselor that says what we want to hear can be difficult…….I would say, try one that is into the latest therapy, I am not sure of the title, I believe it is, “cognitive behavioral therapy”…….
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time January 4, 2008 at 9:41 am
Shelby: You were with Road & Track driver of the year of 1998?! And you let him get away!?
Susan: Good advice here. If this guy is willing to couples therapize it could at least start a conversation with a neutral party in the room.
LA Lady: Excellent questions — has it been like this for 2 years or 35 years. Big, big difference.
hunter: That’s the one where you analyze your own behavior in tiny, tiny ways to see what you’re doing, right? Probably a good idea for this guy, again, if he’s up for it.
Comment from Selena
Time January 10, 2008 at 11:48 am
I could be that he is unhappy with the relationship, or himself. I had a partner who became a ’sniper’ one year we were together. He frequently made snipey, mean little comments. Sometimes I would snipe back, much of the time I just let it roll right off. We had been together for almost 2 yrs. before moving in together “officially” and that’s when it started. At the end of that year he decided to move out, and the sniping stopped. We kept the relationship going, semi-living together for another year and half, but even without the sniping it was pretty rocky.
Looking back, I think “The year of the sniper” was a turning point. I know my bf loved me, but I think he was not altogether happy with being in a relationship with me–and that’s the form it took.
If you can’t get your H to quit critizing you because it hurts you and that it’s destructive, (it’s affecting HIS sex life after all) then it may be time to call it quits. I agree with the others though, to try counseling first. It could be that he’s obvlious that he’s adopted this *style* of communication and that it doesn’t have to be like that.
Good Luck.
Comment from Alicia
Time May 1, 2008 at 2:03 am
I’ve been in this relationship for 12 years, to say the least it’s been a very rocky road. Lately he has been criticizing everything I do or say, I’m wrong and he is always right. He tells me things like I’m demanding and self centered, If I say anything I’m wrong, I’m stupid and I know nothing. I do not demand this man to do anything, if asking him to take me home after a night out because I’ve had enough , he tells me I’m demanding,. He complains about everything , from letting him starve because I didn’t make sure he ate that day, because I didn’t cook, he’s a grown man and if he’s hungry it shouldn’t be my responsibility if he didn’t eat. We have strange schedules that doesn’t allow the normal time for dinner and for God sake who wants to cook a big meal at 3am when he decides he wants to eat. He blames me for his lack of nutrition, but when I do plan to cook he doesn’t want it then. I’m dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t. But his constant putting me down is hurtful and when I say anything it just leads into a big argument. And if I ignore his comments he keeps pushing my buttons until I loose it, the he tells me I’m the mean one. What ever goes wrong in his life from loosing something or anything else is’ always my fault I’m not a bad person nor a mean one but he keeps pushing until I loose my temper. I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know how to handle him ……………….loosing it here
Comment from Cesie
Time June 23, 2008 at 10:47 am
Jeff, I love your insight and candor. You nailed it! I agree with your comments and I like the fact that you still offered hope via counciling. All things are possilbe….. However, in my experience a critcal spirit it WILL destroy a genuine feeling of love that we desire to give and recieve. We all have basic needs to be special to the one we love, respected and valued, free to have our own opinions with out scorn or jugement while communicating, secure that what we share or reveal is not scrutinized and belittled (wether it’s right or wrong – smart or not so smart) we want to be understoond and we want to understand, and of course we need an atmosphere in the home where it’s easy to be emotionally close. Fault finding and criticism tares at the very essence of the above making it virtually impossible for love, joy and peace to thrive there. It’s sad and if you are truely dealing with a foolish man or women it’s wise to save yourself because it will not change which is exactly what is so foolish about it. You have a better chance of snow in the summer than a truely foolish person understanding you and making the needed changes. If there is alcohol or drug use involved it’s even more difficult to maintain hope in this kind of relationship. There could also be a mental or emotional health problem undignosed (which by the way this very “critical” problem can actually cause). Just a loving word of caution, if your single it’s wise to recognize a critical, manipulative, negative, vain, stuborn and possibly violent spirit in a person before you ever let your feelings go, avoid them at all costs and keep your peace. There are always clues. To those that are already in a bad situation remember, love never fails. But also remember, love includes loving yourself too!
Comment from Constantly Criticized too
Time January 5, 2009 at 10:30 pm
I just wrote a long post and it got deleted before I sent it:-(
My husband of 1 year constantly criticizes me. I can’t take it any longer.
You know what, I’ll just write down everything he nags me for in any given day… no, that would be way to hard, it would be just too much to write down, in any given period of time, let’s say 3 hours. I won’t even choose a special day, there needs no special day for his ability to point out what I’m doing wrong…. he’ll say that he likes to balance that by pointing out the good I do, so to make his point once a day stuffed between 60-70 complaints, he’ll purposefully place a compliment… not much of a compliment watching how deliberately placed it is.
It’s so constant that I can barely say anything without him responding critically. He’s much older than me(27 and 40) He’ll say, “I’m much older than you, you need to learn from my past. I’m not gonna do it all over again for you. I’ve been through more, done more.” He tears me down, then purposefully builds me up where he feel’s like it.
If we weren’t married, I’d never do it all over again, that’s for sure. I think there are people out there that would treat me with dignity and respect that I don’t get from home.
Constantly defending anythign and everything you say is exhausting. I don’t know how much longer I can do it.
Sometimes I think I only feel this way when I’m PMSing, like everything gets worse. But I guess I’ve been PMSing for months now because this horrible feeling isn’t going away.
Comment from janice
Time February 5, 2009 at 11:31 am
For those of you who wrote “I don’t know how long I can put up with this.” … As a 9 year putter upper in therapy I can say this. I found that there is an element of “look how tough I am – look how much I can put up with” Like we are trying to prove the existence of some superhuman emotional balance.
You don’t have to do 1000 situps to prove you have a strong abdomen. 100 will do quite nicely. You don’t have to stay with a guy to prove your ability to love, or your ability to take crap.
In fact: There is nothing heroic about staying with this kind of emotional abuser.
These people are incapable of comprehending what they are doing and they don’t care if they can or not. They are emotional parasites. They survive by sucking the emotional respect out of you.
There is nothing heroic about staying with a man like this.
Comment from Louisa
Time February 6, 2009 at 12:23 am
seriously guys are lyers, bad, my ex put down everything I did, cause he is very, very insecure, he would only encourage something that fostered dependance on him so I couldnt leave. I ended up buying a house with him in his name only (excuses excuses so it could be that way) + my parents lent him $70,000 without a contract & now I will be lucky if I get anything back from the 5 years & my house & my parents $70,000 – when ur with a guy like this they arent going to change, if you stop it from the beggining there is a chance, but after a few years it aint going to happen (“but iy used to be okay, you’ve changed” etc. etc.)
Comment from SoulSearching
Time January 28, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Im going to put myself out there. Im a male in my mid 20s and I am a criticizer. I do not mean to be. It comes out on its own. Sometimes my unconscious behavior forces it out and it never seems to happen when I truly am aware about what Im saying. My girlfriend of 5 years is a trooper, and has shared with me how much it degrades her. I see when things hurt people and I dont like the fact that it happens. I hate myself for it and I try to recognize my moods when things like these slip out. I dont know if this is common with all criticizers, but we dont remember the things we do say later on. I wouldnt believe it unless I heard it on a voice recorder or saw it written in a book with my initials next to it. (Dont secretly tape the conversations… if he admits to doing it and wants it to stop and wants to know how he comes across, then tape your argument and let him listen) I saw an episode of King of Queens when Doug criticizes Carrie and how she responds. It was a real eye opener and was the icing on the cake for me… My gf has opened up to me about it. She uses the main criticisms that really hurt her as supporting detail. I will tell you that I dont criticize people Im not comfortable around. I do feel very uncomfortable in my own skin, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people I called friends in school broke me. Even now one of the main friends in my life makes me feel comfortable pointing out very minor flaws that I will never be able to change, every now and again. It does hurt more from the people whom are close to you compared to just people on the street. Because of my past and sometimes present treatments I hate how I look. Then I transfer these feelings onto one of the best people I have known, my gf. I didnt realize how badly I am until now when Im affecting someone else. It sucks, I hate it, I hate myself when it happens and the worst part is I cant take things back after they have been said. She can tell you the top 5 most hurtful things I have said to her right off the top of her head. SoulSearching is the name because I have been really digging into my past to try to make sense of how I am now. On top of this, I am trying to make new friends (adult friends) who dont care about the measly stuff, but more about what type of person you are, what you feel about certain issues, how you treat the people close in your life, etc… It is a lot of hard work. I do slip up and say a few mean things, but because she has pointed out these things I recognize just how often I say them. By the way, I dont make myself seem like the best or say Im better, Im just portraying my uncomforts onto others. Its very selfish and just horrible. I tried to bury these unconscious thoughts but it just didnt work. I have to dig into my past and straiten up my present. I am sorry to all of the victims. I hope this gave you some incite into the world of a hearted seemingly heartless criticizer. My only advice is to NOT respond in anger or resentment, because what worked for me was TRUE emotion. You kind of have to show how much it affects you emotionally, without the defensive wall that has grown because of this type of behavior. I dont know how it ends, but if you feel (s)he is really worth it then give it your best, but dont let it turn you sour as well. End the vicious cycle.
Comment from Shelby
Time January 3, 2008 at 11:14 am
I was with one of these browbeaters once. It’s a difficult life. I had to be mindful of every word that came out of my mouth. For example, I couldn’t say, “Be careful on the road.” He would reply with, “I was Road & Track driver of the year in ‘98! Don’t you think I can drive? Ice on the road? Don’t you think it’s the other guy I should have to worry about? What, you don’t think I’m a good driver? Look at the tickets you’ve had!” All that from one departing sentence. It was a 24 hour-a-day chore to watch what I said or did. And YES it had an impact on our sex life as well as the relationship as a whole. I don’t know if your husband does this, but my ex used to incite arguements in the interest of provoking an oppertunity to be critical. Jeff spoke accutately and correctly here. I hope things improve, as I know this can be exhausting to deal with.