manslations

Well, not too long ago we talked about a woman who wanted her ex back. Now, we’re on the other side of that. Here’s a letter from a woman whose boyfriend’s ex wants him back. How should she deal with this? Let’s see if we can’t find out.

Lydia writes:

Hi

I have been with my guy for 11 months now. everything’s perfect . He shows me so much of love and adores me so much. He tells me he loves me everyday and how lucky he is to be with me.

The problem: His ex. She still loves him even though shes dating someone else. Its been a year since they broke up. She ended it with him and slept with his friend. He and i were friends and i saw how much he wanted and missed her and loved her when they broke up. She didn’t treat him right.

Eventually me n him ended up together. 3 mths into our relationship he ends up saying to her tht he misses her. I told him to go bck with her if he feels tht way. He said he doesnt want to coz she betrayed him. And tht at times he does have memories. And thts it. He said tht he loves me a lot and i mean everything to him.

I gave him a chance and we’ve been together 11 mths wonderful times. 2 mths bck she calls him and tells him she still loves him. He tells me this and i get upset and tell him tht if he feels the same then just go bck to her, he tells me he doesnt love her and doesnt feel tht way about her anymore.

The problem is they go to the same uni and are in the same course. I recently found out they they are doing a group work together by snooping through his email. The emails are formal between them and it always is forwarded stuff to other group members.

I asked him whether he was in contact with her and he said they are on talking terms and nothing more, I got upset and told him he should lose contact with her. He said tht he is not close to her.but they do go to the same uni and they do talk. He also said tht he is in his final year and wants to his best. She is smart and diligent and they have ended with great group projects in the past when they were dating.

I understand tht he doesnt want to tell me about the uni work as ill freak me out. everytime he mentions anytiing with her in the past i get upset so he has found it difficult to tell me things.

He still spends the same amount of time with me and is loving as usual. Nothing has changed. He even makes sure he calls me when his uni just to tell me he loves me and ask me how im doing.

I just cant help but being paranoid tht he would leave me for her. I have told him about this and he said to me tht he doesnt love her and doesnt look at her in tht maanner anymore. He also said he know tht i wont belive him.

I just keep bringing up this matter over and over and im so fed up with myself. If he really did want to be with her he would have long time ago? I also asked him many times whether his being with me forcefully coz he doesnt want to hurt me and he says tht he is with me coz he loves me so much.

Am i overeacting over the group work. ?The guy his ex is dating is also involved with the uni work.

how do i handle my paranoia/? or is he untrustworthy?

wht am i to do.

thank you.

Dear Lydia,

A couple of things that I noticed in your letter:

• MOST MEN WERE NOT BORN THE DAY YOU MET THEM: Almost everyone’s got at least an ex or two lurking around in there. Not much you can do about that. Unless, as I say, he was born the day you met him. In which case you should be ashamed of yourself.
• IF YOU LIKE HIM SO MUCH… Look, it only follows that if he’s attractive to YOU, then other women are going to want to be with him as well. And not all of them are going to care whether or not he’s “taken.” What SHE thinks about him isn’t necessarily related to what HE thinks about her.
• GUYS LIKE IT WHEN ANYONE SHOWS INTEREST: And a dumb guy might even tell you about it. Why would he do that? Couple of reasons. 1.) it made him feel good. And 2.) he resisted. He thinks that fact will make you happy (since that’s not always so easy for a young guy to do.)
• I’M NO MATHEMATICIAN, BUT… Uh, you said you’ve been dating for 11 months. And you say that she cheated on him and they broke up a year ago. At my count, that leaves one month between those two events. That’s not a long time (again, no mathematician). That doesn’t necessarily mean that he was still in love with her. But he was almost definitely still affected.
• FIRST LOVE?: Was she the first person he was ever in love with? If they’re both college students, I’m guessing it’s at least possible. That stuff definitely holds a sort of mythical place for most people. (And not in a Zeus and Hercules, or flying Mexican snake god kind of mythical way, either. Though that stuff is pretty cool.) Again, doesn’t mean he’s still in love with her. But it’s possible that it’s always going to be rattling around in his brain.

The only piece of this that is actually worrisome to me is the part where he told her that he missed her. And even THAT isn’t necessarily an open and shut case. After all, it is possible to be painfully nostalgic for a time in your life that you wouldn’t repeat for all the money in the world.

DO YOU TRUST HIM?

Look, most people who are with someone who is cheating on them know it. Even if they don’t know it, they know it. The main reason people don’t know that someone is cheating on them is that they don’t WANT to know. But if you actually want to know whether or not someone is faithful to you, it’s usually not too difficult to tell.

Whether or not you trust HIM, clearly she’s gunning for him in some way, and you’re right not to like her very much. Hey, I don’t even KNOW her and I don’t like her very much. However, don’t punish him for not liking her. If you don’t trust him, fine, don’t trust him. But if she wants HIM? He can’t make her not do that. So don’t yell at him for that.

DON’T MAKE HIM KEEP SECRETS

As I’ve said on this site before, what you do NOT want to do is to send him the message that you don’t trust him — but still stay with him. If you don’t trust him, that’s cool. But dump him. Don’t ask him  to crawl through broken glass to PROVE he’s trustworthy every day. Because even if he really likes you, what will happen is:

1. He’ll do it for a while, work his butt off trying to prove he’s worthy of trust.
2. He’ll get sick of it.
3. He’ll start keeping things from you because he’ll know you don’t trust him.
4. He’ll confide in people who are not you. People who might, say, have a vagina.
5. You’re in big, big trouble.

WHAT TO DO?

Again, only you can determine whether or not you trust him (I heard that from Woodsy the Relationship Advice Columnist). If you don’t, seriously, dump him. If you think he might cheat on you, you might as well just walk away right now. If he’s a cheater, that tendency isn’t going anywhere.

If you decide that you DO trust him, make sure he knows it. Doesn’t mean that you have to LIKE that he’s spending time with her. And there’s nothing wrong with you telling him, “Listen, I trust you. But you can’t blame me for not trusting HER. She cheated on YOU, and now she wants to cheat WITH you on someone else, and who knows when it ends. She might be a great study partner, but she’s relationship poison, and I’m not crazy about her sniffing around you.”

And there’s also nothing wrong with you telling him, “Listen, even though I trust you, I’m only human, and I need reassurance. I can’t tell you who to spend your time with, but if you’re going to work with her, I need you to take extra good care of me so I know you’re with ME.”

Good luck, Lydia! Trust your instincts about HIM, and treat him accordingly.

Ladies? Is this guy trustworthy or not? How can she tell?