The Fade or the BAM? Which is a Better Rejection?
Ah, the immortal question — to dump directly, or to disappear without warning, in the hopes of avoiding confrontation. A reader named Amber wants to know: which do guys prefer when being dumped?
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Most guys prefer not being dumped at all, actually. We find it unpleasant. That’s what I’ve heard anyway.)
Amber writes:
Hi Jeff,
I have some questions about “The Fade” versus “Direct Rejection.”
You know The Fade: when a girl/guy gradually becomes less available and responsive until they have faded into the distance.
Is it better to tell someone straight that you are not interested in pursuing anything with them? And if we’ve only been out once or twice, is it OK to do this in an email?
Do you think it’s easier on the recipient if you write non-commital replies to emails here and there and send other indirect signals that you are not interested without directly saying so?
Guys obviously prefer the latter when it comes to letting a girl know they are not interested (in my experience anyway). Um, incidentally, if you know why that is, I’d love to hear your opinion. A guy will never just say he’s not interested.
But what do guys prefer to hear, if they are the recipient of the bad news? I’d rather hear it straight and I try to give it to people straight as well (when I have the energy and courage to do so).
And those are my questions, Manslator. Bam!
-Amber
Dear Amber,
Well, thanks a lot for asking such a hard questions, Amber. Now I’m going to have to WORK for a living here. Ah well. I suppose such is the manslator’s burden. Ok, let’s go through these one at a time:
BETTER TO BE HONEST OR…LESS SO?
I really think this depends on the person. I mean, the ideal version of this (in my cowardly opinion) is that we just give one of those non-committal fadeouts that lets everyone know it’s ending, and everybody picks up on the vibe and nobody has to hear, “You know what? I don’t like you that much,” in those words. But some folks just aren’t all that swift and you have to hit them over the head.
One thing that I’ll say — guys don’t fall prey to the “waiting by the phone” syndrome in the same way that women do. I think it’s that we’re the ones who are expected to do the asking out part. And if we ask a few times and you blow us off a few times, you know, we usually get the message.
I think that if you’ve been out a few times and it’s not happening for you, it’s easy enough to just become unavailable for further dates. And most guys will pick up on that. But that definitely feels like a rejection, and a potentially hurtful one.
However, if you’re going to do it via email, it might actually be nice if you could find a way to say the real truth honestly, and without any of the standard, “It’s not you, it’s me,” stuff. I think that it might be kind of a relief to get an email that says, “Listen, I could just tell you that I’m ‘really busy right now’ and all of that, but I’d rather just be straight with you and tell you that I just don’t see what we have turning into the relationship that I’m after. No reason for either of us to feel lousy about it. It just didn’t happen. But I had fun, and I hope you did too. I hope you find your person out there. And…well, I also hope that I do too, now that I mention it. Good luck!”
After all, this shouldn’t really even be a “rejection” at all as much as it is an honest assessment that this thing just isn’t the right thing. If it was the right thing, uh, you wouldn’t be blowing him off, right? It’s not like you’re saying, “If only you were a better guy this would work.” You’re really saying, “Evidently we’re not the right two people. No shame in having tried, though, huh? Thanks for the test-drive!”
NOBODY BLEW IT, IT JUST BLEW
I think that’s the hard part for guys (and probably anyone) is thinking that you blew it. If you can reassure him that he in fact didn’t blow it at all, but was just victim of the same wrong match that you were, it will be a much nicer breakup. After all, that is what happened. I mean, you’re not saying, “He’s the perfect man for me. But then he called that puppy ‘Snickers’ when its real name is ‘Peanuts’ and that’s just too much to take.”
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: If that IS why you broke up, tell him that as well. He needs to know he was dating a mental patient, and he might not have seen your ID bracelet.)
Look, it will still sting no matter what. “Hey, how come she thinks I’m the wrong guy?” etc. But if you can think in terms of the best way to release him back into the wild without making him feel as if, but for some screwup on his part, you wouldn’t have dumped him, it will be much smoother.
After all, how many pairings are likely to be a great match? Certainly not many of them. So there’s nothing wrong with noticing that the one you’re in ain’t among them.
WHY DO GUYS PREFER THE FADE?
I recently wrote about this very thing in this post — and it has mostly to do with a fear of being the bad guy. We really don’t want to be thought of as the mean guy if we can help it. I know (now, anyway) how cowardly that is, but I wouldn’t expect this behavior to disappear anytime soon. It’s just what guys often do.
Good luck, Amber. And good for you for even asking this question. If more people knew how to dump folk, I think dating could be a lot more relaxed and experimental you know?
What say you, manslatees? How do you dump the boys, and what’s worked well for you? Or what’s worked really terribly? Hello?
Posted: January 11th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Shelby
Time January 11, 2008 at 10:08 am
Jeff’s advice is golden. I’ve never been on the receiving end of the fade but I’ve done it myself. Some guys you can say nice things to and others you have to hit them over the head with an anvil. I think it’s so much easier (if you haven’t dated long) to just come out with it. I remember I tried the fade on one guy and he must have thought I was playing hard to get or similar, becuse he started showing up at the tanning salon I go to, etc. Another I tried the fade on finally called me (very angry) demanding to know why I just “didn’t have time for him.” (We’d only had 2 dates.) I learned my lesson; tell the truth but be tactful. That way, no one wastes their time or ends up looking and feeling like a buffoon.
Comment from Theatregal
Time January 12, 2008 at 3:31 am
The “Fade” sucks hard. If you want to break up…..break up!!! Very few people are mind readers. The not knowing what the hell is going on is he worst! The “Fade” is complete and total cowardice. So, you get yelled at or you get some tears…so what? At least everyone is on the same page . Act like a grown up, even if you aren’t one.
Comment from fayezie
Time January 12, 2008 at 7:15 pm
in my dating years, i had no problem telling a guy quite plainly and respectfully that it just “ain’t workin’”…. I usually tried to be as frank as possible, and honestly it was the few with whom i was the most frank that i ended up being able to have amicable relationships with from afar. this is important when a guy is within a circle of acquaintances and you just know you’re going to run into him on occasion.
Comment from Sassy
Time January 13, 2008 at 10:18 am
I think it’s all about respect. After one or two dates, a fade is certainly acceptable. I don’t know the guy, he doesn’t really know me. So while I don’t like the fade, it happens. But if you’re gone further than two dates, I think you need to show the other person some respect.
Like Theatregal, it’s the grown up thing to do. And like fayezie, in a small town, you are going to run into someone again.
Comment from mar
Time January 13, 2008 at 8:40 pm
The Fade is difficult to deal with if you are likely to meet that person again. It will make things uncomfortable. In that case a clear but amicable break-up is to be preferred.
The Fade also does not always work out. Perhaps it is that most men I know are very oblivious persons, but I’ve known some who didn’t get it.
Jeff’s imaginary email above is actually very good. But you don’t need to write an email. You might just tell him next time he phones you, no?
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time January 14, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Selena: Yeah, this definitely does seem to be a “we just went out a couple of times” sort of arrangement. Once it gets a little further in, honestly, I don’t know how you do that one gracefully.
Shelby: Excellent use of “anvil.” Big fan of the anvil.
Theatregal: Yeah, the fade is most definitely cowardice. But in my defense (for having fade-ed in my life) well…I am a coward. It’s not much of a defense, I realize.
fayezie: Excellent point — if you’re going to have to deal with someone afterwards, or even second-hand, you really need to do a full ending, and not just a disappearing act.
Sassy: Interesting. Two dates, eh? Yeah…I guess after you’ve made the decision to give it a whack THREE times, you should at least have the common courtesy to let them off the hook for real.
mar: I think that most men you DON’T know are also pretty oblivious persons. I have seen/heard of the fade not even making a dent. Some guys just think of that as, “Playing hard to get.” Instead of, you know, “Actually being impossible to get.”
Comment from Theatregal
Time January 23, 2008 at 3:08 am
I guess it does depend for some people on how long you’ve been together. I still believe it’s heartless to just fade out with no explanation. Maturity many times has nothing to do with age. If you love someone, make the most of it. See what happens. If not, bite the bullet and let the person go. If they love you, they will hang on forever, until YOU make it clear that they’re not the EXCLUSIVE one. Unless you are completely honest and clear, some read into what you say…..or don’t say. AS Granny used to say, “Honesty is the best policy.”
Comment from aussiedoc
Time April 10, 2008 at 1:21 pm
so heres a question: If you plan on doing “the fade” as a breakup technique and the guy rings you to talk like normal after the first time you blew him off would you then go ahead and make another date when he rings you, only to blow the guy off again for a 2nd time.
Is there is a difference between being unavailable for a date and making dates and then canceling
Ie wouldnt you just not answer your phone / sms ect.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 10, 2008 at 2:05 pm
aussiedoc: If you’re pulling a “fade” your best (and most cowardly, which works great for me!) bet is to not respond to the call, or at least not in a timely fashion. And if you DO have to talk to them, the phrase, “I’m going to be really busy for a while” is pretty universally understood to mean that you’re not interested in going out again.
I think being unavailable for a date is totally the way to go. Canceling a date, though sometimes necessary in these situations (done it myself) isn’t really great form.
Though, to be fair, canceling a date probably gets the message across pretty effectively, though…
Comment from aussiedoc
Time April 11, 2008 at 9:43 am
no no im talking about a situation with me – i wondering if im getting the “fade” done to me.
I got blown off a 3rd date (lost mobile was the excuse) I thought that was a bit suspect as the time but i gave her the benifit. Rang and txt her during week and we spoke as per normal (ie 40mins). She didnt ignore my calls or my txt. We arranged for another date during the week ( andi i txted her the day before to which she said she was still intersted in catching up), however later when i spoke to her before the date she shortened to coffee because she couldnt stay long and then blew me off on the day.
I never got the “im too busy” or the “ignored phone calls” ect that i would usually expect. Is this “a fade” or is this someone whom is unsure and keeps getting cold feet.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time April 14, 2008 at 11:41 am
Yeah, I’m guessing you’re looking at a fade here. The shortened dates sound (to me) like someone who isn’t interested, but is for some reason not able to just say “no.” Sorry about that, but I think that’s what you’re getting here, yeah.
Comment from Selena
Time January 11, 2008 at 8:48 am
I really liked the non-confrontational, but non-bashing email example you gave Jeff. In the past, I’ve done The FADE with guys I decided early on I didn’t want, never felt particularly great about it, but preferred it over the uncomfortable, perhaps painful, “I don’t want to see you anymore” convo. Chickenshit? Yeah.
And having been the “dumpee” a number of times from guys who did the slowfade, or just abruptly vanished without a word, such an email would have been a welcome alternative. Stings? Yeah sure, but it beats the weeks of wondering “what happened, what did I do wrong, what? what? what?”
But is there a time frame for this kind of thing? Seems appropriate for someone you only went out with a few times, maybe a few weeks, but less sufficient for someone you’ve been involved with ( sexually) for a month or two. Is there a good, better way to tell someone that after dating for a couple months you realized ‘they just aren’t the person for you’ without coming off cold and unfeeling?