Uh-oh…He’s Got Two Internet Dating Profiles
Welcome back, manslatees. It’s Monday, and that means it’s time to start your manslators. We kick off the week with a question from frequent commenter, Sian, who, through some tactical Googlestalking (of which I wholeheartedly approve, by the by) that her potential internet date was ALSO looking for…shall we say, “wilder” stuff on a different dating site. What should she do? Read on to find out:
Jeff, my internet dating dilemmas are continuing (aarghh) and I am not sure how to handle this current predicament or if I should just be giving it the old wide berth yet again (sigh).
I am corresponding with a cute guy on a reputable sight that is geared for dating and serious relationships.
He is handsome, intelligent…writes well ( ok, not as well as you ) great to talk to on the phone, and I am meeting him this week for the first time. His profile states he is after a long term commitment with one woman.Now fast forward to me checking another dating site that is into things volcanic.. straight to the “intimates” section ( yes I am checking up on him .. ) and I find him immediately..same Profile name and photos and all his sexual fantasies and fetishes for anyone to read. He certainly doesn’t mention the long term deal in this little scenario and is pretty much into 3somes and a lot of group dynamics by the sound of things!
Now this is fine if that is what he wants, but he has portrayed himself in an entirely different light to me.
Whats your take ?
Sian
Dear Sian,
First of all, good for you for doing a little research on him. The information is out there to see. He used the same name and pics, so I’d say it’s all fair game, no?
If I had access to the FBI’s files, I’d check everyone I knew just for fun. (Incidentally, I’m guessing the fun wouldn’t last too long. People aren’t usually as interesting as you want them to be. I’ve often thought that any violation I might feel if I were wiretapped would be instantly offset by the intense boredom the wiretapper must feel having been assigned to listen in on my boring, boring life.)
WHY THE DUALITY?
Look, I don’t know this guy, but I think it’s entirely possible that, in his mind, there is in fact NO contradiction between these two desires. As I’ve said many times, a man’s sexual fantasies may have little or no direct connection with his relationship fantasies. So it’s totally within the realm of reality for a man to want both:
a.) A long-term monogamous relationship, and
b.) A bunch of 3somes and “things volcanic” as you say (I’m assuming that you meant lava, ash, villagers running screaming through the palm trees, stuff like that).
So if he wants both, why would he say he was looking for a long-term monogamous commitment?
WHY THE DISHONESTY?
My guess? He actually does want that real, loving, committed relationship but he’s afraid that such a woman wouldn’t understand if he said right off the bat that he’s also into this other stuff. And he’s probably right!
Most men know that the fantasies that are lurking in our sick little minds are, shall we say, not acceptable in polite company? I mean, I’m nice — maybe the nicest man ever to live (hey, I said “maybe”) and I know that the stuff that goes through my mind would make Courtney Love blush, if only she could stay awake long enough for someone to tell her about it.
Now, that doesn’t mean that it’s ok for him to misrepresent himself. But I’m guessing that’s why he did it. Best case scenario would be that he’s hoping that by the time he had to tell you about this stuff you’d really like him for who he is. Or he’s just on the “intimates” site for interim encounters, all the while knowing that he’s totally willing to give all of that up when he meets the right woman.
Worst case is that he doesn’t mind lying to you, and he wants a relationship AND all the crazy multiple partners stuff.
WHAT NOW?
So, what do you do here? Do you tell him what you know? My advice? Yes. And here’s how.
Look, if this is going to be a problem, it’s going to be a problem. Any first date is all about recon anyway — what can I learn about this person that will tell me if I want to learn any more about them? So, I’d say that you should broach this topic early. But do it playfully. After all, you’ve said you’re not judging what he might be into — you just want to know what’s what and make sure you’re not being messed about.
Try saying something like, “Well, as any woman with an internet connection and a brain would do, I did a little search before our date. And I found a dating profile. A different one from the one we met through. A…shall we say, naughtier one?”
At this point, he’ll probably be a little freaked. I’d recommend addressing that as well with something like, “No, hey, listen. Whatever you’re into is whatever you’re into. But on the profile I first saw, it seemed like you were looking for something monogamous (which is what I’M looking for) and I just wanted to make sure we both understand where everybody’s at.”
NO JUDGMENTS + NO B.S. = NO REGRETS
The worst that can happen if you bring this up kindly, playfully, and with the idea that you’re willing to listen is that he’ll turn out to be a jerk who was lying to you. And that’s an EXCELLENT outcome. That’s the kind of intel you desperately want on a first date. The best case would be that you both learn a lot more about the other one, and can see who’s who.
Which will he turn out to be? Who knows? I sure don’t. But I’d say that the mere fact that he likes this stuff is not necessarily enough of a reason to discount him as a reasonable partner. How he reacts to knowing you KNOW about it might be.
Good luck, Sian. Seems like you’re in a good, non-judgmental place to get some real answers that will help you see what’s what.
What do you think ladies? Give him a chance to explain himself? Or bail out now?
Posted: January 14th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from LA Lady
Time January 14, 2008 at 11:34 am
I think there could be a lot of entertainment in asking the question, seeing the “freakout”, and hearing the explanation. Dating is supposed to be fun, right?
Based on experience, (we don’t want to go there) I agree with Susan that if he has gone to the bother of putting that naughty profile out in cyberspace, it is more than just fantasy, and he is looking for reality.
So make sure you ask a lot of open ended questions on that first date to determine if there is a monogamous bone in his body, or not.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time January 14, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Susan and LA Lady: I feel the same way — I want her to have the conversation with him if only so we can find out what’s going on!!!
And for what it’s worth, I’d agree with both of you that if it’s out there, he IS actually looking for all that hot-hot-hot stuff. I’m just suggesting that we don’t know if that’s because he’s all ABOUT that stuff, or if it’s something that sounds fun and exciting to try, while he’s waiting for something serious. Who knows?
But man oh MAN do I want to hear his explanation, though!
Comment from Selena
Time January 14, 2008 at 7:51 pm
The same thoughts occurred to me: that he might be seeking “group activities” until he found someone for an LTR. But he could also be looking for someone ‘serious’ who’d like to partake in these adventures with him!
In any cas, it’s better to know this about him BEFORE getting attached.
Comment from Kim
Time January 15, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Oh, it is way better to find out now! I just dumped a guy because I found out after the fact that he was into this stuff. I had actually been fixed up with him and my friend of course, had no idea either. He was into the whole “dirty texting”, which I could play along with and have a little fun. When he asked me if I would participate in these “other” activities, I wasn’t sure if it was a fantasy thing or if he really did these. He said he “expected it to be an ongoing and active part of his sex life”. He was also one of the most conservative people I have met…he sets his cruise control at 5mph over the speed limit, wouldn’t date a gal who put lipstick on at the table (his idea of bad manners), and wanted a serious relationship with a “nice” girl! I had no idea that those websites existed and after our conversation I found one, did a search, and there he was! Needless to say, like you, I will always research these places, too! Good Luck and let us know what happens! I actually feel a little better knowing it happened to someone else!
Comment from Loiralei
Time January 16, 2008 at 3:22 pm
This kind of man I know very well. I dated him for 2 yrs. He started off saying he was looking for love and marriage with one woman, I believed him at first. And I still believe that a very small part of him does at times fantasize about being monogamous. But the fact that he actually put the sex profile out there on the Internet and is actually asking for non monogamous 3-somes, etc.. and willing to take it on – shows what kind he really is. Monogamous guys may dream of the wild stuff with all sorts of partners and situations, but they don’t actually advertise for it and make it real. He may say that he’s looking for long term/marriage/commitment but that is just another lie to hook women in. Like a spider builds a web this guy wants every and all women! But guarantee – not just ONE woman forever. If you start a relationship with this man you will find he will continually pressure to get you to do these things with him and even if you do it – it’ll never be enough. He will want more and more outside of your relationship with him (non-monogamous) and will either make you feel like you are a crashing bore to him if you don’t do what he wants or he will lie and sneak around and cheat until he realize he’s just no dam good – period. My ex had skeletons in his closet that horrifies me to this day! Sian, he’s a piece of crap – flush him. This man is good for NO woman long term unless she’s as superficial, phony and a user of people as he is. They use everyone and each other like toilet paper only to move on to the next victim! And they will use any trick to get you there.
Comment from Loiralei
Time January 16, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Also, I had a very sweet friend that went through 13 yrs of a hellish marriage with a guy exactly like this. He kept pushing for more and more kinky stuff which she tried her best to accommodate reluctantly hating more and more of her life and resenting him. He married her quite young. She finally broke it off when he built a torture chamber in the basement to torture HER in. Not to mention the internet cameras in the bedroom. Run toedo run!!!!!
Comment from Susan
Time January 17, 2008 at 10:57 am
Loralei: wow, the story of your friend and her S&M (S&M Plus?) ex makes me shudder. I mean, I guess it’s one thing if you like it, but since she didn’t I’m glad she got out of that mess!. Yikes.
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time January 17, 2008 at 11:25 am
Selena: Yep, always better NOW than later, as in…
Kim: Holy crap. Thanks for the story, and WOW. It’s always the conservative types, huh? Maybe it’s the repression…?
Loiraliei: Holy, holy crap!!! And a double holy crap for your friend as well! Man…I feel so bland when I hear about all these freaks!
Susan: Excellent use of “S&M Plus”.
Comment from Kim
Time January 17, 2008 at 8:08 pm
I forgot the best part of all….he volunteered for Habitat for Humanity every week! When I first met him, I thought “Wow..have I got a keeper here!” All I can say is…you just never know!
Comment from Loiralei
Time January 18, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Mine had stickers on his van for “Make a Wish Foundation” and he really was a monster.
Comment from Susan
Time January 14, 2008 at 11:25 am
Give him a chance to explain himself…because I want to know what he says!
Seriously, if he took the time and money to go online looking for lava-kinda-love, he must really want to ACT on his fantasies, not just keep them in his head for his amusement and pleasure. (I could be in the FBI with that kind of detective work.) Like you said, no big deal if that’s what he’s into, but if he went to the trouble to search it out, chances are he wouldn’t give it up for someone who wasn’t into the same. Or someone wiling to try, or whatever. It sounds like it’s not your cup of lava, so I’d move on… after you get to hear what he says!