manslations

A reader calling herself “LoveLife” is dating a man who seems to be behaving one way, but his words tell a very different story. (Any of my regular readers surprised? How about the irregular ones with more than 2 arms?)

What’s interesting in THIS case is that it’s going the opposite way from the norm. His behavior seems to say “commitment” but he just won’t say it. What now? Let’s find out:

Hi Jeff,

Great site! I have a question for you.

The question:
Would a man pursue and maintain an international, long-distance relationship and ask his girlfriend to move to be with him if he didn’t love her?

Some brief background:
I’ve been in a relationship for 15 months. My boyfriend and I live in two different countries. We met while I was on vacation in Europe. I said hello first; he pursued me from there. He called me about a week and a half after I returned Stateside. Many emails, a few calls, and two weeks later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted. To date, we have each traveled twice to each other’s countries for a total of four visits. He wants me to move to where he is when I am finished with grad school in 1.5 years. About 8 months in, I asked him if he saw us together 10 years from that point (to gauge his interest in a serious long-term relationship with me) and he replied, “I don’t see any reason why we wouldn’t be.” I was fine with his answer. However, 7 months later, he still has not told me he loves me. I love him very much, and tell him so regularly. When I asked him if he loved me 2 months ago, he responded, “You’re fishing” (as in, fishing for information). I then asked him, “If you did love me, would you tell me?” He replied, “Yes, at some point, I would.” He has always maintained that he is a “very private person,” and that he dislikes being probed for details.

I will not move to another state, much less to another country, for a man who I’m not sure loves me. Further, I would want to be engaged before giving up everything to move to be with my boyfriend–which I would gladly do if marriage was the end result of that process.

Your manslation of this would be wonderfully appreciated,

LoveLife

Dear LoveLife,

As I alluded to in my intro up top, I can’t count the number of times I’ve run into these situations where a man says one thing and does something different. I could count it, but that would require doing a search through the archives and all kinds of crap. Just trust me — it’s come up before, and often.

As such, maybe it’s not a bad time to restate the Manslations Golden Rule:

WHENEVER THERE IS ANY CONFLICT BETWEEN WHAT A MAN SAYS AND WHAT HE DOES, ALWAYS, ALWAYS IGNORE WHAT HE SAYS.

I’m not saying that all men are liars. I’m just saying that we have no idea what we’re talking about most of the time. Especially when it comes to…wait, what are those things called again? They’re the ones that men aren’t in touch with. Oh, feelings! Right, right.

SO, IF WE TAKE AWAY WHAT HE SAID…

What’s he been DOING? Well, he’s trying to get you to move to his area. He’s calling, emailing, visiting.

And refusing to talk about love, for some reason. What might that reason be?

WHAT’S HE REALLY THINKING?

Could be any number of things, but I think in this case the majors would be:

• He in fact doesn’t love you. (This one doesn’t seem to fit, given all of his dead giveaway commitment behavior, no?)
• He is exactly as he says he is. Private. Doesn’t like discussing his feelings, doesn’t like being poked and prodded about them. (Could be, could be.)
• He’s not sure how he’s feeling, and feels panicky when asked about it. (Also could be this. Or could be both of the last 2.)

WHY DON’T MEN LIKE TO TALK FEELINGS?

For many men, vulnerability smells suspiciously like weakness. I’ve known some guys for whom talk of their feelings was akin to walking around a medieval battlefield wearing pink slippers, curlers, and no pants. (Not that I’ve done that. But I bet it gets chilly out there, not to mention the whole “catching a broadsword in the balls” you’ve got to deal with from time to time.)

Also, you have to remember that even if he IS willing to talk about his feelings, he might not know how. To talk about his feelings might be like asking him to play piano without having taken lessons.

And it’s important to remember — not everybody HAS to play the piano, you know? If he doesn’t like talking about feelings, there’s nothing wrong with that — for him. For you? That’s up to you.

SO…WHAT IF THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS?

I mean, let’s say that he actually loves you but just flat can’t or won’t talk about it. (But we can and will because we’re so much more in touch with his feelings than he is.) If you need him to be more demonstrative than he is about his feelings, well, he just might not BE that guy.

I’ll tell you this much — to expect him to magically change into something different one day…not a good idea.

I think that the two of you are more different from each other than either of you THINKS you are. I’m not saying you’re not compatible. I’m saying that your brains don’t react the same way in the same situations.

That is, I think, the key here. If the two of you can acknowledge that you are genuinely different from one another in your needs, you can move forward under that assumption.

WHAT TO DO?

I’d get a conversation going about this. I’d do it in person if at all possible, but at least not on email. You’re both going to need all your powers of observation to do this, since you both seem to have different modes of communication. Email’s just too misunderstandable.

Say something akin to:

“Listen, I hear you about being a very private person and not wanting to be prodded. And I’m really not trying to do that. But I have to tell you that I think that I’m different from you in that way. I’m having a hard time knowing where we’re headed without some insight into how you feel about me. And I know talking about this stuff isn’t a big deal for YOU, but I do in fact need to hear how you feel about me.“

THE TROUBLE WITH “How are you feeling right now?”

Now, this is important. His male brain will likely think, “Ok, here’s where I have to start telling her all kinds of crap to keep her off my back.” And the reason for this is that in many, many situations that is EXACTLY what is required. Lots of times when men hear this kind of question, it IS “fishing” as he put it. Or as I put it, “emotional blackmail.” As in, “Tell me you love me, or the relationship gets it!”

You can head this off by acknowledging it:

“I know a lot of women just want to hear what they want to hear. I’m NOT telling you how to feel or how to be. Believe me — if you don’t love me I definitely want to know about it now, before I pack up and move to Zanzibar.(I don’t know where he lives.) You don’t have to tell me something you think I want to hear. Well, you don’t have to do ANYTHING. But I just wanted you to know what I need before I can make life plans.“

Good luck, LoveLife. Honestly, I think this guy does seem to care about you. The visits, asking you to move there. But do NOT expect him to be any different from how he is without a real meeting of the minds. It’s one thing to be “private” but how private do you want your lifepartner to be?

Oh ladies? Ever get a guy to open up about the L word when he was initially reluctant? How’d you do it?