manslations

Today, my dear manslatees, we’ve got one from a little surfer girl named Marlee, who seems to have caught a man’s eye, but she can’t seem to land the rest of him. And…I mean, who wants to date just an eye. It’s gross, and it can’t drive or buy you flowers or anything. It’s just an eyeball, if you think about it. (Also if you don’t.)

This situation brings up something very important to understand about a man — there are TWO elements of male interest that you need to be able to track, not just one. Read on to find out what the hell I’m talking about.

MANSLATOR’S NOTE: As Marlee’s letter is a bit voluminous, allow me sum up with some choice excerpts of the manslationally relevant passages (complete text of her request follows my brilliant response):

• …he stopped his truck, asked me if I was going surfing, and afterwards, asked me for my number…
• …we surfed several times more (he has never invited me to do anything else, which I never quite understood…why!!!!), but I don’t feel like I’m his friend still
• …Sometimes, he would act like he had no interest in me, like not talking to me at all in class, and then another day he would be saying things to my friends in class in front of me like, “That girl has ALL the looks, and she acts like she doesn’t even know it.”…
• …I see the way he looks at me in class; those glances he steals convinces me he likes me. I wanted to get over him because he was confusing, but these little flirtacious glances and remarks would always keep me in this game…
• …Then the very last day of class, I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted between us, but I told him that I liked him. I made it clear. “I like you, and I just want you to know that.” He said we both surf, but we have a lot of differences. He also said he is attracted to me, but he has always felt like he is my older brother. One comment- wow, what a thing to say. Also, I found out that he is dating someone, but he didn’t bring it up when i told him I like him. Busted!…
• …he told me he would tell me where he was surfing, and then we could meet. Well we surfed together, but he acted pretty aloof again. He was being really chatty with his friend, and didn’t even introduce me! We talked but, I was pretty annoyed he didn’t introduce me…
• …Why does he have to act like this? I have come up with many ideas, but I just don’t know. In class, I do very well, and he has told me that I am “smart as hell.” I get A’s on everything, and well…he got an “F” on our last exam, let me put it that way. Out of class, I have also been told by guys that I sound intelligent for my age…so could he be a bit intimidated by all of this? Also, I don’t look like it (as I have been told by many), but I am a pretty innocent girl, a good girl, which seems takes everyone by surprise. He can tell by now. He can also tell that I have my head on straight, and that I’m not the type to just pounce on any guy I see. Could this be a turn-off for him? I’m doing well for myself, and I’m a surfer girl! So what is missing?

Dear Marlee,

Well, to answer your very last question first, I think I can say what is missing — seriousness about you on his part. He definitely thinks you’re attractive. He definitely thinks about you in THAT way. But his behavior doesn’t say much for his interest level in you as a person. What do I mean? Well, if you can just be patient until the next paragraph, I’m-a tell you.

TWO ELEMENTS OF ATTRACTION

In order to read a man’s intentions toward you, you need to be able to answer TWO questions, based on his behavior (not just on his words.) Here they are:

1. Might he think that this behavior will get him laid (Sexual attraction)
2. Might he think that this behavior will maximize his time with you (Interpersonal attraction.)

Neither of these questions will tell you his intentions on their own. But when you can answer them together, you’ve got him pegged. So, let’s try it with this guy.

Might he think that his behavior toward you will conceivably get him some tail? Sure, why not? It’s clear to me from your description of him that he’s checking you out, he describes you as attractive, he flirts with you in that sense. And whether or not this behavior is GOING to get him laid, I’m sure that surfing with a woman, semi-ignoring, and just generally hanging around has gotten surfer boys some surfer action in the past. The “convenient amnesia about having a girlfriend” falls under this heading as well. So we’ll call this one a “yes.”

This is NOT enough information to determine ANYTHING. All we know is that his brain is occasionally populated with images of you naked. Dude, you’re a surfer girl. I don’t even know you and MY brain already contains such images, ok? To understand where he’s at, we need to go further. Ergo:

The second question. Might he think that his behavior toward you will allow him to spend more time with you? Nope. I can’t see how. He hasn’t asked you out. He’s only asked you to go surfing, which presumably he was going to do anyway. He hasn’t made any moves toward making SURE that he could get himself some more of your time. If he was interested, he’d be trying to get himself some extra Marlee-time. As it is, it’s a see-you-when-I-see-you sort of thing. So this one’s a “no.”

So, what we have here is a guy who would be agreeable to sleeping with you (or at least thinking about it) but who doesn’t see you as a girlfriend.

WHY NOT?

Who knows? And you know what? Who cares, really? There probably isn’t a very tangible answer anyway. It’s not likely to be something flattering to you like, “I’m so smart he’s intimidated by me,” but it’s also not likely so insulting to you as, “He saw a giant booger coming down my face while we were surfing and he can’t get it out of his head.” It’s not likely anything you did or didn’t do. Who knows why anyone is or isn’t interested in someone? But until he shows you some inkling that he wants to spend time with you, you at least know you don’t have to waste any more of your time on him. For whatever reason, it’s not happening for him.

Good luck, Marlee. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. And hopefully, one of them is swimming under a surfer boy who’s going to want to spend all his time wooing the holy hell out of you.

What do you think, ladies? Does my two-element theory hold seawater?

—————–

complete text below

So hey there Mr. Manslator,

I met this guy in one of my classes, and we both surf. One day, I was walking back to my dorm after class and he happened to be driving his truck in my general direction and found me, so he stopped his truck, asked me if I was going surfing, and afterwards, asked me for my number. We surfed the next day and had a fun surf session. At this point though, nothing about him really grabbed my attention; he was just another guy friend I felt I was making. One day though, we surfed together again, and while he was getting out of the water, and I saw him walking up to me with his hair tied back and his surfboard in his arm, and for the first time, I noticed his tan physique and his striking features. In my head, I went, “Wow!! This guy is hot, hot, hot!!”

Well, the semester was whizzing by, and we surfed several times more (he has never invited me to do anything else, which I never quite understood…why!!!!), but I don’t feel like I’m his friend still. Never really have, on account of the awkward situations we fall into. Sometimes, he would act like he had no interest in me, like not talking to me at all in class, and then another day he would be saying things to my friends in class in front of me like, “That girl has ALL the looks, and she acts like she doesn’t even know it.” Once he even saw me walking with my surfboard in my bikini and told me, “Wow, no wonder that reporter stopped you on the street the other day to interview you!” I see the way he looks at me in class; those glances he steals convinces me he likes me. I wanted to get over him because he was confusing, but these little flirtacious glances and remarks would always keep me in this game. Then the very last day of class, I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted between us, but I told him that I liked him. I made it clear. “I like you, and I just want you to know that.” He said we both surf, but we have a lot of differences. He also said he is attracted to me, but he has always felt like he is my older brother. One comment- wow, what a thing to say. Also, I found out that he is dating someone, but he didn’t bring it up when i told him I like him. Busted!

Well, I saw him once more for the exam, and somehow bumped into him before I walked through the door. A lucky coincidence, I would say. When we sat down in the exam hall, we didn’t say much. He acted aloof. I was like, whatever. Then he called me to surf a couple of days later, but I was taking an exam, and by the time I called him back, he was on his way to surf with a friend. So he told me he would tell me where he was surfing, and then we could meet. Well we surfed together, but he acted pretty aloof again. He was being really chatty with his friend, and didn’t even introduce me! We talked but, I was pretty annoyed he didn’t introduce me.

Why does he have to act like this? I have come up with many ideas, but I just don’t know. In class, I do very well, and he has told me that I am “smart as hell.” I get A’s on everything, and well…he got an “F” on our last exam, let me put it that way. Out of class, I have also been told by guys that I sound intelligent for my age…so could he be a bit intimidated by all of this? Also, I don’t look like it (as I have been told by many), but I am a pretty innocent girl, a good girl, which seems takes everyone by surprise. He can tell by now. He can also tell that I have my head on straight, and that I’m not the type to just pounce on any guy I see. Could this be a turn-off for him? I’m doing well for myself, and I’m a surfer girl! So what is missing?