The Post-Coital Personality Shift
A reader named Sally has just bumped up against a very common rough spot in the world of the manslation. The Post-Coital Personality Shift. Perplexing to you, and often to him as well. Read on to find out what it all means. Sally writes:
first– I just want to say thank you, and that you are hilarious… I just discovered your site and seriously spent the last eight hours wetting my chair with laughter as i read through the archives…okay now for the Qs: I recently started seeing this guy– we have been out alone together four times now (but we had met through friends at dinner parties several times before). Although I have only seen him in the evenings, we have had relatively good dates– all involved eating either at home or at a restaurant over good conversation, and then going back home to “watch a movie” which everyone on this site knows is codeword for “I’d like to get in you pants”, but this was definitely mutual. Things have been progressing steadily physically (first date kissing and boobie playing, second and third we went to second and third), and last time we had sex (actually we had wild and crazy sex, which I thought was oodles of fun). Okay so after the sex, he turned into kind-of another person.
He got really quiet and was saying things like “well, you can stay over if you want, but you know I have a busy morning tomorrow” (I didnt stay over) and the only contact we have had in the last two days has been a quick text message exchange (initiated by me), which is definitely out of character. I’m starting to feel like he has been playing me to get to the sex, which he was clearly disappointed by, and that if I do hear from him again, it will likely be a booty call scenario. Also, I should mention the fact that we initiated contact with each other through a dating website, and that I have been carefully monitoring (read: stalking) his activity on the site since we started hanging out–he definitely has been logging in, though not for long periods of time and not as often as he did before we started seeing each other (could it be he’s logging in to check up on my activity?). I guess I have two questions:
1) how do you move a new relationship out of potential booty-call territory into daylight (especially when it gets dark out so early, and its so cold outside!!) without forcing the guy to have a define-the-relationship conversation?
and
2) when internet dating, when is it acceptable to have a conversation about taking down your profiles and how do you do this without seeming needy (also, early in a relationship, how do you modify your dating website activity to convey to the guy you just went out with that you are not interested in seeing other people, but youre not desperately counting the minutes waiting for him to call again (even though you are)–sorry, compound question)
your help is much appreciated!!!!and a third follow up Q:
3) does a man’s post-coital behavior necessarily mean anything about how he feels (like if he immediately showers, or falls asleep, or jumps out of bed to grab a sandwich, instead of snuggling?)
Dear Sally,
First of all, congratulations on following the “base-system” so religiously as to hit the correctly numbered base on the appropriately numbered date. Would that everyone were so meticulous.
I’m going to answer your third question first, because I think this is where you’ve seen some potentially confusing behavior that doesn’t need to be.
THE MOMENT AFTER
So, you’ve done the deed. You’ve finally had sex, and it was awesome. You had fun, he had fun. But suddenly, he drops off the radar. He gets a little distant, and he seems to lose all interest in you. What went wrong? What was it about the sex that disappointed him?
First of all, nothing about the sex disappointed him, likely. I mean, sure, I suppose it could have been disappointing. But from your description it sounds like you both had a blast, and I trust your assessment. But here’s the deal. A man has two brains.
- Sexual Pursuit Brain
- The Rest of the Time Brain
The strange moment you experienced was the handoff moment between Brain 1 and Brain 2. Sexual Pursuit Brain was no longer needed since he had accomplished his mission. So he punched his timecard, tossed the keys over to Brain #2 and dozed off. Now, Everyday Brain is in charge.
This moment can often be as confusing for him as it is for you. Sometimes I think of it as that moment in a werewolf movie where the hero wakes up in his bed with his clothes torn, his hair all messed up, a cut on his leg and no idea where he’s been or what’s been happening.
This handoff happens for all guys whether or not he likes, loves, or actively dislikes you. It’s just how our brain handles things. But what happens AFTER the handoff is manslatable material.
“YOU CAN STAY OVER…IF YOU WANT TO…”
Hm…not exactly the most inspired of romantic invitations, eh? Sounds like this guy was (and probably still is) REALLY turned on by you. But once he had his way with you, Brain #2 wasn’t totally sure he wanted to spend non-sexual time with you.
His lack of communication afterwards seems to back that up. What you’re seeing here is him attempting to keep from giving you evidence that there’s a relationship in your future. The nicer he is to you, the harder it’s going to be to bail out.
SO AS FOR YOUR OTHER QUESTIONS…
Well, as for question #1 — how to bring a nighttime relationship into the daylight? Seems like the only way to do that is if both parties want to bring it there. And if you’re attempting to chase him down after having spectacular sex, it seems pretty clear that he’s not interested in that.
And as for question #2, I think that it is totally appropriate to have a discussion about when to take down your profiles, or when to alter them as a sign that you’re going to be exclusive. However, as with question one, there’s got to be a consensus between you that that’s what is going to happen. And it’s not clear that he’s interested in that.
MANSLATIONS CONCLUSION: AWESOME FOUR-NIGHTER
Well Sally, it seems like what you’ve got on your hands here is four really fun evenings of messing around, each one elevating one base up from the night before, until you ran out of new bases. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems like he’s not interested in playing any more home games, unless they’re impromptu night games.
The good news is, if you had a total blast having sex with him and wanted to do it again, you probably can. The bad news is that this will likely not elevate beyond the level of a Black-Ops, Top Secret, For Your Eyes Only kind of arrangement.
What do you think, ladies? Anyone have experience with the Post-Coital Personality Shift?
Posted: January 23rd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Terry
Time January 23, 2008 at 10:16 am
“You can sleep over if you want to?”
Eh, no thanks. But thanks for the excellent roll in the sack, Pal.
I think you can do better than this guy, Sally.
Comment from Loiralei
Time January 23, 2008 at 12:07 pm
When guys act this way like Jeff said, they probably aren’t going to care to go for more than the sex and casual dates. Not that they didn’t like the sex or not that you aren’t very special, valuable and worth much more than mere sex and casual dates. Its just that most likely there is someone out there much better waiting for you than this guy cause he doesn’t see that in this particular relationship and you deserve better. Don’t call him at all. Wait for him to chase/call you. Be a cool, sexy, mystery. Let him think your life is full and quite busy – true or not – let him think so anyway. He’ll wonder what you’re up to. Give him the gift of missing you. If he doesn’t contact you, then to hell with him he’s not good enough for you. Like my mom used to say: “When you miss a bus there’s always another one around the corner, and its probably less crowded!”
Comment from anonymouse
Time January 23, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Wow…I had one of these just recently. I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t like the way he kissed anyway (or anything else)…I should have known better. I blocked him from contacting me on social networking sites and messenger, but I doubt he’s tried. You know, it was four dates, he’s forgotten now but it was confusing at the time. What did I learn? Make sure I really care about someone if I think I might care that they call.
Comment from anonymouse
Time January 23, 2008 at 3:11 pm
That didn’t quite make sense…what I meant was…Make sure I really know what he’s looking for if I think I want to hear from him again. Otherwise, have fun. BTW Sally, the reason I blocked him wasn’t so much so he couldn’t contact me it was so I would stop looking to see what he was up to and wondering why he was ignoring me…either way it’s a good tactic.
Comment from Sally B
Time January 23, 2008 at 5:14 pm
oh man Jeff– you were so on the money!!! its been about a month since i sent you my question and i just thought I would fill you in on what’s happened since. The guy was gone for about a week for christmas, but called me several times while he was away, and made plans with me for when he got back. We hung out twice after new years and at the end the second night I kissed him and he pushed me back a bit and said “I’m sorry”… I asked him what he was sorry for, and he gave me a whole speech about how he liked me, but he just wasnt feeling the chemistry the way he had with his ex-girlfriend and that he wanted to find that chemistry and clicking with somebody again. He even started listing all the things he liked about me and saying that it was completely illogical for him to not want to be with me and that he just didnt know why he wasnt feeling it… he made a special point of saying that it wasnt at all that I wasnt attractive enough, and that the truth is that everytime he sees me he half wants to “tear my clothes off and fuck my brains out.” The truth of the matter is that while I could have liked this guy, I mostly wanted him to fuck my brains out too– I told him as much, and we agreed that it would be perfectly fine to have a relationship where thats really all we are to each other. Now I call him when Im in the mood, and he does the same. I no longer care what he says, or thinks, or what hes doing online, and I have been out there dating my ass off with much nicer guys in the meantime. I feel a lot less pressure on these other dates now that Im getting taken care of in the bedroom too, so all in all, it’s worked out for the best– Hey manslatees, am I the only one who thinks that dating is easier when you have a booty call to take care of you in other departments?
Comment from Writesome
Time January 23, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Good for you Sally if it’s working for you. I’m not sure I could do it, I tend to get too attached, but the “vision” is enticing. Hmmm, maybe I could “resurface” and try it next time I hit the wall.
Comment from Selena
Time January 23, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Personally, I’ve found the casual dating with sex/friends with benefits/occasional booty call lifestyle just leaves me wanting more in the way of a relationship. Never found it very satisfying for what it was. To each her own.
Comment from mar
Time January 23, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Sally B:
That sounds like a very good resolution for both of you!
Myself, I couldn’t do it, same reason as Selena’s. I do wish I could, though, and I have sometimes fooled myself that I can… but no, it doesn’t work out for me.
Comment from hunter
Time January 23, 2008 at 9:46 pm
to sally b,
…….I have been told, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing….
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 23, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Dear Gals & Guys ["alpha-as-in-betical" order],
..Hope you folks are real! This is my first-time in this parlor and I leave with a smiling bounty of giggles!! I needed that! Now, pardon me as I hold me sides & fall2floor. Loving Thanks!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time January 24, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Terry: Yeah, that was my thought too. Not exactly rolling out the red carpet.
Loiralei: I think your mom used to hang out with my grandmother. She had sayings like that pouring out of her ears. (My personal favorite actually was, “Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one gets filled the quickest!”)
anonymouse: Good move on the block to stop YOURSELF from checking. Of course, I’ve never had to do that myself with, say, checking my web stats. Not at all. Because I’m not compulsive. At all. No really. I swear.
Sally B — I’m so glad it’s working for you! I’m embarrassed to admit that those sort of arrangements never did for me. (I feel like I’m going to have my Guy Card revoked for that.) But I’ve known plenty of people for whom it’s just the right thing. You get a little action, and you go on with your day. Awesome!!!
Writesome, Selena, & mar: I’m with you. I always considered it a failing of mine that I couldn’t just enjoy commitment-less sex. Ah well. You can’t be wonderful in EVERY sense, I suppose…
hunter: Who’s been telling you these things? Some wise person, clearly.
mmagnolia: Welcome! And get up off the floor, it’s embarrassing!
Comment from Ray
Time January 25, 2008 at 3:27 am
Yawn.. What JEFF..you get paid by the word count or what..??? This is just so clear why the long, inflated explanation.
Two answers for you sweetheart.:
1) Sally, you’re either fat and ugly and caught this guy in a horney mood, and now he wants nothing to do with you.
2) Sally you had sex on date 4.?? Girl, you’re too ez, the dude don’t respect you, used you, and has moved on.
BTW, what’s your phone #., i’m looking for a quickie..
LMAO.. cheers..xoxo
Comment from aznboi_la
Time January 25, 2008 at 3:34 am
Right on Ray.^^^^
Wham-Bam…now that answer was “Manslation “
Comment from Theatregal
Time January 25, 2008 at 8:17 am
Selena and Jeff: I’m with you. “The Friends with benefits and/or priliviges” thing has never done it for me. After my 25 year relationship, ( 25 of them married, five year boyfriend-girlfriend….on and off) I got out there. Definitely,not all it’s cracked up to be. At least not for me.
Ray: You’re either an ass or exceptionally young or immature. So sad. You sound like the double standard guy. Two sets of rules…..one for the guy and one for the gal. It’s 2008, not 1958. Everyone is different. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. We just have to find the one who fits. And there are a LOT of combos! I love , “Intimate Communion” by David Deida and Maryanne Williamson’s, “Enchanted Love”.
Comment from Theatregal
Time January 25, 2008 at 8:30 am
Selena and Jeff: I’m with you. “The Friends with benefits and/or priliviges” thing has never done it for me. After my 30 year relationship, ( 25 of them married, five year boyfriend-girlfriend….on and off) I got out there. Definitely, not all it’s cracked up to be. At least not for me.
Ray: You’re either an ass or exceptionally young or immature. So sad. You sound like the double standard guy. Two sets of rules…..one for the guy and one for the gal. It’s 2008, not 1958. Everyone is different. What’s good for the goose is not always good for the gander and vice versa.. We just have to find the one who fits. And there are a LOT of combos! I love , “Intimate Communion” by David Deida and Maryanne Williamson’s, “Enchanted Love”.
Comment from hunter
Time January 26, 2008 at 4:25 am
to theatergirl,
the reasoning behind that is,…you don’t have to be a good girl as you wait for the “right” man to show up in your life….
Comment from LoveLife
Time January 29, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Sally,
Been there, lady, and done that. Trust me, walk away now with your dignity intact. A man who wants you will pursue you in earnest–you will not have to guess what he’s thinking or what he wants. You will know.
You will live to love another day. And you have the power now to find a man who deserves that love. “You can stay over if you want to” is lackluster and you deserve a man’s unbridled enthusiasm. You deserve to be chased. Don’t settle for less.
Comment from Theatregal
Time February 5, 2008 at 5:41 am
I just learned through experience after my divorce what worked for me and what didn’t. Hunter, it has absolutely nothing to do with being a good or bad girl. I wasn’t raised to believe in such things. I had a Mother who told me never to get married…maybe live with the guy. Just be sure I let her know before I had sex , so she could take me to the dr. and get me on the pill. This was the 70s. I was in Junior HIgh.
She still says she doesn’t know where I came from.
I tried the “friend’s with benefits” thing after my divorce. It’s just not for me. I enjoy a “one and only” type of relationship, not a “one of many”. Even in between, I have a tough time separating love and sex after a while. I get invested and then the guys asking……What happened? I thought this was casual. I learned I can’t do casual…..at least not more than a couple of times. Then, I start to get in trouble. If there’s enough chemistry to want to rip the guys clothes off, then, that can just too easily grow into something more intense for me. That’s just me. Carry on, those who can avoid getting too invested!!
Comment from mar
Time January 23, 2008 at 6:48 am
No, I haven’t experiences anything like this. I think Jeff might be right: I don’t think not getting touch means that the sex was disappointing, but I think it does suggest that he’s not interested in taking it further.