manslations

Today, a reader named Coley wants to know if there’s anything real going on with this guy, or if she’s just a part of some game. I’m not 100% sure myself. Let’s figure this one out, shall we?

there’s this guy i’ve been on-and off twice, and both times, he makes the effort to put me back into his life. but this time, we’re “friends”. and yet, he has this ex that’s back in his life too. after they broke up, twice. and they’re just “friends”. plus i find out he’s talking to this girl who he had a crush on for nearly 2 years. am i just part of some game??

Dear Coley,

Well, the first thing I’ll do is assume that you mean you’ve been DATING him “on-and-off twice.” If you’ve just in fact been on and off of HIM twice, well, that’s a different manslation altogether.

With that out of the way, onto the manslation.

“FRIENDS”

I wonder why you are putting this word into quotes, exactly. I mean…are you or are you not? Is there some action going on here? Or is there going to be some soon? What’s going on? For some folks, saying that you are “just friends” means that you sleep together but don’t actually date.

If there’s nothing going on and there’s nothing that is GOING to be going on? I’d say that it’s a guy who just likes to have his ladies around. If he’s not pursuing you in any way, and if he’s behaving the same way with his ex (with whom he is also “friends” in those mysterious quotes) then it seems like he’s…actually friends with you both. No quotes required. And this other girl — the 2 year crush — well, if he doesn’t have a girlfriend (only “friends”) then where’s the problem?

THE PROBLEM

Well, would you look at that? I ask where the problem is, and there it is in bold type. Eerie, isn’t it? No? Ok, fair enough.
I’d say that the only real problem here would be if he’s got any designs on being MORE than friends with you and/or with the other ex, and/or this other girl. If that’s the case, I think what we’re looking at here is what one of Manslations’s frequent commenters calls “The Juggler.” (I believe it’s Theatregal, but feel free to correct me if I’m wrong on that, ladies.)

What am I talking about? It’s not a supervillain who attempts to keep 14 deadly items in the air while Batman does his best to thwart him. (Although wouldn’t it be so much simpler if it was? Just think how much time you’d save if guys like this would wear lycra uniforms announcing their intentions to do eville in bright colors!)

But sadly, The Juggler pretty much wears what everybody else wears. Lucky for you, there are very easy ways to tell that this is what’s going on.

1. Keeping many women on the line. This is the number one thing that kind of a guy will do. He can’t stand the idea that there are women out there who don’t focus on him. So he keeps them hanging around, all thinking that soon, very soon, SHE will be the one he’ll settle down with.
2. Urgency. This is usually in the mix as well. Dating a guy like this will likely feel rushed, passionate, at a breakneck pace. He needs things to be complicated in order to keep from realizing how boring it all is. So he keeps things spinning at an unnecessarily nutso speed.
3. On his terms, at all times. This is another one. The crazy pace, the idea that it will be all about YOU very soon — all of these elements will be dancing to HIS tune. You didn’t even know he had a tune? Well, he’s got one, and things are dancing to it, ok? Just go with it, will you?

WHAT TO DO?

Well, given the highly abridged version of your tale, I can’t say for sure what you even WANT to do, let alone what his response would be. All I can tell you is this — if you want more from him than what you’re getting, he either doesn’t know that OR he knows and doesn’t care.

Good luck, Coley! I think the best you can do here is to figure out what you want, and let him know. The worst that can happen? Nuthin’.

What do you think, ladies? Given this amount of information, what’s your take on this gentleman?