(dramatic pause for effect)

He knew he’d put me through the wringer and caused me pain (quite astute seeing as I never let him know that). He hadn’t told me how deeply he cared for me. He was still confused, and still terrified, but he missed me terribly.

I don’t think it means we’re back together officially, but at least the lines are open on what we are doing, and we can make a decision about where we are going. And at least I know that it’s not a ‘I’m really not that into you break up’ and that I wasn’t dreaming when I sensed a really strong connection there. He really is scared, he really is just 27. We’ll see what happens now. I’m still confused, but it’s nicer to be confused and cuddled up with the object of confusion than confused and sitting up alone at night going ‘what the?’

BTW, he’s not really like a toyboy. He’s got a kid same age as me, and though he is younger, he’s very much a man.

It seems here that BOTH of you have given off the “let’s just be friends” vibe. Why? Because you both agreed to keep it on a friends-level, you bond with him in a “guy” way (ie: drinking together), and you openly talk about your experiences with OTHER people. He’s thinking that “you two are just buds. Buds who just slept together. *shrug* No biggie, right?” The only way he won’t perceive it that way is if you set the record straight. But from the sounds of it, he loves you enough as a bud.

I don’t know if the age difference is a factor, but since you mentioned you’re thinking you’d like to have another child, and you’re 39, then next few years are “now or never” for you on that. Not so for him–especially at age 27. Having a child with you would be the ulimate commitment and can you blame him for not being gung ho on that idea? Especially since you had been together only 4 mos.?

It sounds like you want something serious and you want it now, whereas he is more comfortable just taking things as they go. I’d venture he broke up with you because you told him you were too old to be fucked around. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but perhaps he did you a favor by ending it after only 4 mos. rather than letting you believe he was serious for a much longer time when he really wasn’t.

..you say he is “27?”…..and you are “39?’…..I would say, he is your “boy toy,” you don’t want to marry a boy toy….

In his case, he quite possibly has a suite of depressive disorders (the last relationship was a doozy, and involved things better not discussed on a family blog).

Will he get ready for a relationship? Will he think about me when he is?

God, that sounds so pathetic.

Week 1 – the talk about how he was not ready for a relationship but I was glorious and he really wanted to be friends. Following day the footy game we were watching became an afternoon romp.

Week 2 – not ready for a relationship, but stayed over anyway after my graduation party and made eyes at me all night long.

Week 3 – took our kids camping. Sexy! All ‘not ready for a relationship’ comments ceased. Things really changed. It was growing nicely.

Two months – a momentary freak out and a bumbled statement about not wanting a relationship, which I defused by saying I didn’t know what it was but he shouldn’t try to define it. He starts confiding our relationship in our friends.

Three months. I dropped the L-word. Silence on his part. Wonderful escalation in our sexual and emotional bond. Four nights a week at my place and his, with and without our kids. By now I have met his family, and he is telling all and sundry that he has a girlfriend, but he’s still talking about the future as being friends ‘for the rest of my life’. I asked him to be clear with me about where we were heading, because I am too old to be fucked around (I am 39, and at that stage was thinking another kid would be nice. He is 27).

Christmas and New Year came, with much tension because suddenly he wasn’t so available. Plans were broken, usually at the behest of his parents. I got distressed, let him know about it.

Four months exactly – he breaks up, saying he is terrified that all the nastiness of his previous relationship will recur and that he is too phobic to fall in love. But he wants to be best, best friends. I know this is too difficult, so say no, but relent and of course we spend almost as much time in bed as we always did. After a fortnight I put a stop to it. But he’s still kissing me when he sees me. Still showers me with compliments. Still makes eyes at me when we collect our kids from their school. He doesn’t initiate contact, but he relishes when I do (ie. two hour conversations follow).

Manslation?

I feel Sally and I are in the same situation, and the prognosis is not good. But what’s the explanation for this behaviour, and why can someone be so into you, spend all their time with you, make passionate love to you, treat you like an absolute princess and yet be adamant that they don’t want it to go further?

Does he fancy himself a “free agent”? I don’t know, nor do I care. We talked long ago about how open relationships work for us. My attitude – if the guy wants to screw around with someone else, that’s fine as long as I know about it and he comes home to me. The fact that he’s not seeing anyone else (and making a point of letting me know when he’s not seeing the girls that call him) is odd to me, particularly as we AREN’T dating.

But yeah, overanalysis is not a good thing. Unfortunately, I seem to be cursed with the female tendency to do so.

Sally, maybe it would help to, I dunno, to not try to over-analyze what’s going on right now? To kind of take it day by day and see how it goes?

I’ve found it’s a good thing to have the “exclusivity talk” early on to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Given your friendship, and previous dating patterns I’d think that might be important for the two of you. It is always good to know where each other stands. ” He likes you tons?” Okay, but as long as you are sleeping together is/does he still fancy himself a free-agent? Get that straight, before you start trying to forcast your future.