Why is This Married Man Still Flirting!?
I was just wondering to myself why we hadn’t had more of this kind of request — questions about a married man paying attention to a woman who is not his wife. And here it is. A reader named Frida has double-trouble headed her way. She’s got a man flirting his head off at her — and he’s not only married, but they WORK together, for cryin’ in your soup. Why won’t he stop? Read on to find out. Frida writes:
I want to know why a guy who has been flirting with me with no success for two years is still trying. I joined a new firm two years and felt that the Head of the firm was interested in me in the interview already. As we work in different buildings it was easy to avoid him,. However after one and a half year at a small company dinner he flirted with me pretty outrageously in front of the others. I have to admit at the end I kind of responded as I do find him attractive. Again avoided him but at every opportunity he shows his interest even if not blatantly. The problem is he is married and I have no wish to be a mistress. The bigger problem is that I am really interested now and the Xmas party was a misery as I saw him there with his wife. When I was on the dance floor he turned his chair around to watch me. I was mad at him so I danced in front of a fat girl and then realized he had gone to another table to watch me. But he danced only with his wife (with her temper that’ a good idea). Is his interest genuine or why bother for so long when with his looks and position he could have a pick of mistresses? What is his problem and I am afraid of it becoming my problem as I am quasi involved. Although it may be over as the next time I met him after the party to get his signatures I felt he was mad at me which I did not understand. He is the one with spouse not me!
Dear Frida,
Oh boy are you in a situation that should stop as soon as possible. Wowie. Here’s my take on your questions:
Q: WHY IS HE STILL TRYING WITH THE FLIRTING — FOR TWO YEARS?
Answer: Because it’s still fun. There’s been no trouble. He thinks you’re hot, he likes looking at you, and he likes the idea that you might want to have sex with him.
Here’s why he’s NOT doing this: Because he’s in love with you. No, no, no. This guy is a “douche”. He’s sitting there, staring at you on the dance floor, even going so far to switch seats to keep watching — WHILE HIS WIFE IS SITTING RIGHT THERE. Uh, that’s not cool. It’s bad enough that he’s been flirting at you for years when she’s NOT around. But when she’s sitting right there? That says to me that he’s not only a dawg, but he’s a moron.
Q: WHY WOULD HE DO SOMETHING SO DANGEROUS?
Answer: Who knows? He’s bored. He’s looking for something exciting to make him feel like he’s alive. Like he’s a man.
Q: HOW AM I SO SURE HE’S NOT INTERESTED IN FRIDA?
Answer: Well, besides the obvious (i.e. that I am very, very brilliant) he’s given ZERO indication of any interest whatsoever. But what about all the flirting? By itself, that tells you NOTHING. All that tells you is that he likes imagining himself having sex with you. Well, so what? So does every other guy you know. It’s got nothing to do with interest, seriousness, intent, nothing. It’s got to do with the fact that he finds you sexually interesting. That’s it.
Q: BUT IF HE’S NOT INTERESTED, WHY WAS HE MAD?
Answer: Because you weren’t playing along with his sex-brain’s favorite vacation – YOU. Once again, this man is a tool. He has no designs on anything other than the sexual with you. And sure, yes, he does like thinking about that, and he does like it when you play along. And he doesn’t like it when you don’t. But that just means that he’s an egomaniac who can’t stand the idea that you’re not his plaything.
Frida, bail out. Pull the ripcord, activate the chute, and drift off to safety. Break off all contact. This man has nothing to offer you but confusion, annoyance, and the fury of a wife with a temper, apparently. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Move along.
Oh ladies? Any reason Frida should do anything but bail, bail, bail?
Posted: January 31st, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time January 31, 2008 at 8:47 am
Hi Jeff and Selena
No, there isn’t. I agree this guy looks like a moron. He’s just having fun. Worse: he has no consideration for other people’s feelings. In other words, he is selfish. And worse: if Frida doesn’t play along, her own career and standing in the firm might be at risk.
I agree with you she should bail. I agree with Selena it may be time to look for another job. This guy is only trouble.
Best,
mar
Comment from Susan
Time January 31, 2008 at 9:31 am
Frida, distract/”remove” yourself and fast. He is no good for you and he is getting off on the fact that you find him attractive and perhaps that you’ve fallen for him to some degree. He will not leave his wife (he hasn’t yet, and my guess is this isn’t the first time he’s done this — not to take anything away from you, but if he’s been that unhappy at home, this is probably his diversion of choice…trust me). You deserve much, much more than this and a real relationship.
And if he is your superior he is really stupid. That’s why there are things called sexual harrassment suits — I am NOT suggesting that here, but the guy is obviously not too bright. You deserve better.
Comment from Frida
Time January 31, 2008 at 11:08 am
Thanks everyone for your input. I do have another question. If I stop with the mixed signals will he get off my case? I just received an invitation at my company address to an association’s event of which he is the VP but I have no connection with. Ofcourse I refused it and have decided on showing no interest whatsoever in the future. I do not want to leave just now because I have slogged for two years and only now do I have a chance of getting a promotion. If I leave without anything concrete I will start elsewhere at the same position. Also, my new boss is great and that may not be so in another job. As for the CEO being a moron I did wonder if this guy is into professional suicidal or something because I wanted to dive under the table at the dinner as his interest was so obvious and he was oblivious to the others. I am based in Europe so maybe he is not so concerned about a case. However the news would have gone back to his wife if anything had developed so his risktaking seems a bit insane. Maybe he wants his wife to divorce him and I am the pawn…
Comment from Selena
Time January 31, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Frida,
Yes, this guy does sound somewhat insane regarding how his obvious behavior could effect his career, not to mention home life. If is marriage is on the rocks, YOU be involved in anyway can only be destructive for you. Let that play out the way it will.
You are doing the right thing by backing off and refusing to send any more mixed signals. Applause! What you need to do is get this ‘relationship’ back to the professional level it’s supposed to be. Try not to have any interaction with this man that doesn’t directly involve your business at hand.
Are you dating anyone even casually? Sometimes women find it easier to deflect unwarranted attention by repeatedly mentioning a boyfriend. Guy flirts–mention bf, again and again and again. “You look so good in that color” …”Thanks, my boyfriend thinks so too.” “You are such a quick wit” …”Yeah, I’m always cracking my boyfriend up” Get the picture? Even if you don’t actually have a boyfriend you can certainly give the impression that you have interest in someone else by alluding to this other *him* whenever a conversation seems to be heading in the flirtatious direction.
Also, the reverse of this is to repeatedly bring up this man’s wife when he starts to flirt with you. (A good mood killer). “That dress your wife had on at the Christmas party was lovely, where did she get it?” …” I just had dinner at … it was wonderful, you and your wife should really try it.”
Unless this guy is either really dense, or worse, aggressive he should get the message. If he doesn’t, you can ultra-casually mention cases of sexual harassment that you’ve heard of–”Oh, isn’t that interesting?”
I know this is weird and shaky territory. I had a boss once who took more than a professional interest in me and it was awkward to say the least. He happened to be single, and also had a reputation of using his small office as somewhat of a dating pool. I didn’t fall for him, but there were two different women who worked there that did. Not a good situation, not good outcomes.
Don’t flirt back and think ahead.
Selena
Comment from naturegirl
Time January 31, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Frida,
You should consider playing hardball. Talk to him in private, tell him that you do not want his sexual attention, that you are recording this conversation, and that if his flirting continues, you will take your documentation to HR and consider a sexual harassment lawsuit. You need to make it crystal clear that his behavior is not acceptable and you want it to stop.
I’ve been in that situation before, and being coy did not work. I ended up leaving the job to avoid him, and sabotaged my career.
He is the one with bad behavior, and he is the one who must change.
Comment from Sassy
Time January 31, 2008 at 3:07 pm
This guy is doing this because he can. Frida, don’t let him treat you this way. Some people just don’t get it. If he’sflirting, you need to be blunt. “Don’t flirt with me now or ever. It’s not right.” Say, “no.” And mean it.
Comment from Selena
Time January 31, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Playing hardball may prove problematic if other employees saw her flirting back with him.
Comment from mar
Time January 31, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Frida,
I think Selena’s suggestions are best. If he still doesn’t get it and doesn’t change his behaviour, then I’d say confront him: tell him that you don’t appreciate his attention and behaviour and want a professional interaction with him.
But I think in principle you should try more subtle ways, rather than direct (and explicit) confrontation. The reason for this is that if I were you I would actually be very worried about keeping my job and my prospect for promotion… I mean, I know this isn’t fair for you, and you shouldn’t be in this situation at all, but confronting him could backfire big time.
Good luck, sincerely
Mar
Comment from mmagnolia
Time January 31, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Given undesired advances, Naturegirl & Selena shine good beams. My belated advice to me: Carry a voice-activated recorder to share simultaneously with an HR and ‘him’. Both Anita Hill & Clarence Thomas should have toted such devices–now, we’ll never know the whole story. If focus is on retaining professionalism, deal with it “professionally”–just as if a slickster tried to solicit help to embezzle company funds! Any [including 'Vatican'] organization’s favored northstar is the cost [however 'cost' is defined]. The chorus is right on this fellow’s getting a kick out of a subordinate’s discomfort. Be wise and consider his possible future victims. Wouldn’t it be wonderful now if a prior victim had risen to the task? Do right by You; here’s hoping you have stamina for that and beyond that. JM: Of course, if it’s female2male-boss flirtation, that’s a whole ‘nother womanslation! haha…
Comment from Frida
Time February 1, 2008 at 3:27 am
Hi everyone, thanks for your advice. I am going to start with the boyfriend plus wife bit but will bail out if it comes to the point of requiring a tape recorder….Thanks again!
Comment from hunter
Time February 3, 2008 at 12:33 pm
to frida,
..man is assertive, knows how to conquer, if you let him!……
Comment from fred
Time February 8, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Good idea Frida – I think that the personal toll of playing hardball is too great, much as I’m a feminist and believe in these causes.
On the job front, you’ve got two years solid experience, which means you can go to any employer and ask for a higher level job. You can say that you are looking for new challenges, that aren’t on offer where you are. All it takes is chutzpah.
I think you’ve got heaps of that – you’ve kept your dignity in a difficult situation. Now go and make it work for you, somewhere else.
Comment from Frida
Time July 1, 2008 at 8:03 am
Hi Jeff,
Remember me? The one with the married CEO problems. Well, that has not developed any further in that I avoid him. But I do have another problem (they seem attracted to me) and I Iike your way of disentangling them. I know a guy from last year who was interested in me at the time but disappeared when I did not react fast enough for him. He had a relationship with his secretary and that went phut so now he is back around my heels. I get along with him as a friend and like to spend time with him but feel no chemistry with him. Is that necessary for a LTR? My sister is telling me that I may end up all alone if I keep making a fuss and now I am in a panic. He is nice but probably if I did not see him again it would not matter that much to me except that I am alone. I can’t see myself falling in love with him. Well, I haven’t until now and we do go out together once or twice a week. I make sure I pay my own way and he makes no effort to try paying either. I have on occasion paid for him too. No physical relations and don’t know if I want it. Finding the ‘One’ is really hard and I am getting tired. Appreciate having your opinion. Thanks. Frida
Pingback from manslations » Is Chemistry Necessary? Should She Settle?
Time September 23, 2008 at 6:32 am
[...] requester, Frida, has found herself a man (and this time he’s not the CEO of her company! Yay!) What’s the trouble? She’s not interested in him. And they ain’t [...]
Comment from terri
Time October 15, 2008 at 7:45 am
This goes deeper than you can imagine-you probably are looking for any trace that will give you a justified green light to procede with this relationship-Satan would love to defile God’s covenant marriage and use you as his pawn-don’t fall for it -it is his trick-if you feel like God was wrong in this marriage covenant than believe me the same will happen to you if you end up with this person who has not found the Lord and become filled with unconditional love for His wife because He was first loved by Christ and that is where that kind of love comes from-go find a man that can love you enough to die for you as Christ did for his bride (the church) and have a covenant marriage ordained by God with a husband that truly loves you and will serve you not dominate you and use you for a sex toy, till he wants a new one!!!!
Comment from Lyla
Time January 12, 2009 at 5:41 pm
I agree Terri. I have been reading all the the comments on this subject. At one time, I thought this one person was selfish and eccentric. I got one word right. It looks like there are people out there that are selfish and unhappy; however, it is to their benefit to have Jesus in there life. This is why one should look with the head rather than the heart. If he or she believes in the sacred union of marriage, his unhappy childhood would turn into a happy one. Then he or she will have both God and marriage in their lives for eternal happiness.
Comment from Linda
Time August 21, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Why does a married man still slirt with me but especailly winks and makes clicking sounds?He
says he is happily married but he does’nt act like it!What do you guys say about this one?Linda
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 23, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Dear Linda,
Prof. JM would remind: Ignore words; study actions!
All things tolled, don’t envision sweet pairing4U, unless Uwant some play-play!
Then again…mayB it’s All talk-talk!
…O Gollie, what if IT’s real!
Say it’s Sadie Hawkins’ Day; call Him Out w/Your best Smiles!
Comment from Linda
Time August 24, 2009 at 3:10 pm
thanks,mmagnolia,for the comments!He is still
doing it and in front of others.Sometimes,I think
he’s not getting enough at home and wants some ass!Any other comments,men?Have a good day!
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 24, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Howdy2U, Ms. Linda…
…Being sans Prof.JM, we should do a cosmis calling of our colleague dear *hunter*.
He would have a tastee What’sWhat on Your [so2say!] Messr.Married!
On the count o’Five………Hey, This is what happens when theTeacher’s lounging!
Many Cheerios!
Comment from Linda
Time August 25, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Thank you mmagnolia for the other comments.There is a young woman who is
young enough to be my daughter,and she is
constantly flirty with him and he tries to ignore it!He has actually,talked to her about
that,as she says,things out in the open,which she should not be doing!Though,I am attracted to him,I think it’s wrong to flirt with the man.We talk a lot!He
is real easy to talk to.Come on,Men what do
you honestly think?Do you think he could be bored at home or just a horny guy?Thanks to all who reply!Linda
Comment from mmagnolia
Time August 25, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Lin Dear….
….Overlooking request 4comments from “men”—just gotta drop a coin!
Sooo, this fella…who flirts w/U…cautions a younger woman against! flirting w/himSelf! Novel–sooo, Take a picture, pleeze! MayB…He’s only gotta Yen4U!
IS there a reason not2 call out on Bluff!? Seems U enjoy it, and no small animals are hurt [well...Either w/toddler], and no diseases transmitted and seems the flirting is cutting in2 worktime!
Ask if spouse knows ’bout Flirt proficiency!
Hey….where ARE the Manlyfolk! Flirting!!
Comment from Blabla Bab
Time May 2, 2010 at 2:16 am
I think us women sometimes dont get that a man doesnt imply “feelings” to be flirting with us (we always confuse it with “love” or “being in love”). Incredibly as it sounds, we still make the same mistake over and over again; I have been flirting with a man at my work for 3 months, he was permanently sending me signs of he was available; I asumed stupidelyy he was divorced (as he had only talken on a 7 year old daughter he had). The other day I was so shocked as I noticed he was wearing a ring! That turns everything into a different light; now I think he thinks I wanted to be his mistresse or so, as I have clearlyy been flirting back all teh time. The guy is dead for me. I agree, it’s a time loss, now I understand he’s interest was just sexual, and worse, as a married person I think his behaviour tells a lot of the man he is. A moroon.
Comment from mmagnoliapla
Time May 2, 2010 at 10:00 am
Dear Dears!
Here’s my *oops*…
…men have company on that corner!
Regardless whether blessedly single or blessed w/sweet, secure FirstFella…there are some [of us!] women who enjoy the platonic volley of an innocent Flirt! Flirts with fancy repartee can be good, clean, cheap fun…with or without pictures!
Let’s practice FlirtySmiles with ourSelves,
and…don’t leave home without ‘em!
Comment from nate
Time September 23, 2010 at 3:44 am
Respect your partner and figure out his/her comfort levels with your behavior. If they give you the go-ahead, or they are secure in your devotion to them and see your flirting as nothing more than a lighthearted and friendly way to have fun, good for you.
If you can’t justify it to your partner and yourself or your partner finds it unacceptable, then don’t do it. If you are still tempted to flirt, you need to examine your relationship and figure out if you still want to be in it and do what it takes to make the other person happy.
And remember, if your partner has trusted you enough to turn a blind eye or even an approving one on your flirting, don’t abuse that trust. Make sure that your flirting stays at just that, and never cross the line.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time September 27, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Ooh LaLa, Dear Messr. Nate!
Excellent advising, altho’ am feeling left between powder puff and cotton candy!
Alongside your comments, soul-searching might end with most of us [male, female] concluding that *flirting* is contrary to being in partnership. We can happily presume that good partners are different than the married men described here.
T’is ez to pose that there’s no *Flirt* difference between spousal flirting and flirting of a non-espoused “partner”!
If the Flirting is any good, both partners prob’ly end up with more pain than joy. Seems that there’s no equal gain unless both partners Flirt and, then, where’s integrity4partnership or 4either partner!
If the urge2flirt is really overwhelming, that opens four more cans o’bait!
Solution4Smiles = OnlyFlirt w/Partner and Don’t leave home without ‘em!
Comment from Selena
Time January 31, 2008 at 7:31 am
I think that since she’s started to develop feelings for this droid, it’s time for her to start looking for another job.