When You Dump Him, and He Keeps Talking Crap Behind Your Back
It’s Monday, ladies, and we’ve got a real quickie on our hands. A reader named Marie dated a guy for a year, dumped him over Christmas, and is wondering why she’s not his favorite person right now. Puzzled? Mmm….yeah, me neither. But let’s see what we can do for our friend Marie here:
my name is marie i dated for 1 year . we broke up about christmas time he told me he wanted to be my friend. i told him no but then i changed my mind .now its like he is my enemy cause he talks about everything we did while we dated to his friends and family. i call him so he could explain why he did it but he doesnt answer instead what he does is complain to my his friends and family. i really dont know why he did that .why is he so mad at me .
Dear Marie,
Well, you’ve certainly stumbled across a real enigma here, haven’t you? You dump a guy and then suddenly he’s talking crap about you. To everyone. No matter what you do. I wonder what might cause someone to behave in such a manner?
NEWS FLASH: You just dumped him. Over the holidays.
Come on, Marie. You know why he’s mad. Doesn’t mean that you were wrong to do what you did, or that you dumped him “badly” or anything. In fact, it likely means that you did the exact right thing. But still, different guys take that kind of information in different ways.
I know it’s surprising to some women, but men get broken hearted too, you know. And some of them, when they get dumped, maybe behave like children. You now officially know just such a man. He’s hurt, often that comes with embarrassment, and as a result he has decided to get back at you through family, friends, and whoever else will listen.
ANYTHING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT?
Well, you called him looking for an explanation and didn’t get one. What now? Not too much. Personally, I’d take the high road here if I were you. Leave it alone. He’ll get over it. And all the people he’s talking to? Don’t worry about it. He’s not “convincing” anyone of anything they don’t already believe. They either know exactly what’s going on, or they were already picking sides before he started talking crap about you. And yes, that does happen in a breakup. People sometimes pick which side they are going to believe or empathize with. And you know what? I’ve never had a true friend do that. It’s always the half-friends who end up doing that nonsense in my experience.
Good luck, Marie. I know it’s infuriating, but I’d say your best bet is to take the high road, let him talk himself out. If you engage with him on this, you’re likely just going to keep it going for longer. Honestly, I can’t see him having a long-term audience for this silliness. He’s just working through his hurt in a juvenile, annoying way.
Ladies, anybody have experience with a post-dump trash-talker? What did you do?
Posted: February 4th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Catherine
Time February 4, 2008 at 12:25 pm
This message is unclear. To me, HE is the one who broke up in telling her he wanted to be friends. It makes more sense why she is upset.
Comment from Just ME
Time February 4, 2008 at 12:41 pm
OK, I’m officially confused. The headline says “He dumps you” but the post said she dumped him.
Help!
—-
(Good call, Just ME! Sorry about the confusion — title is now edited to reflect, you know, reality.
-Jeff Mac)
Comment from Selena
Time February 4, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I had an ex asshole who did ths. It’s about not looking like such a loser because you dumped him. Talking crap about you to whomever he can bend their ear is a pathetic attempt to make himself look better–’the poor long suffering schmuck’–hoping to convice himself by blathering to others that he’s better off without you. It is terribly immature and your real friends surely know crap when they hear it.
I’ll bet he said crap TO YOU when you were together, am I right? Consider yourself lucky to be rid of him. Jeff is right Marie, just ignore him and his gossip and it’ll all die down. Soon his friends will get sick of hearing his moaning and tell him to shut up already.
Comment from fred
Time February 4, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I had a boyfriend who, I admit, I treated rather badly, at a rotten time in his life. I’m not proud. Anyway, he told my mum I didn’t get my degree (which I did, thanks!). And she believed him. She still says ‘I like so and so, he kept you in your place.’ Needless to say, I don’t think she’s right …
But usually, in a break up, other people, whether they are friends or family or the newsagent, take everything the dumped partner says with a huge handful of salt, and forget about it. What he says reflects on him, not you.
Comment from itsallabouthallie
Time February 4, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Oh Marie, I have an ex husband like this. Talking crap and he actually makes stuff up to make himself look good and me look crazy. Well!! It has been years but one of his “friends” called me and asked what was true and what was not! Wow HUGE eyeopener! So glad to be rid of him!
Who cares what he is telling other people! Like i always say, there are three sides to a story his, hers and the truth! Take the high road, the best revenge is to be better than before and show him what he is missing out on!!
Comment from hunter
Time February 4, 2008 at 10:13 pm
…ex-lovers cannot be friends….end of story…
Comment from Theatregal
Time February 5, 2008 at 4:47 am
My ex husband and I started dating when we were 19. Once he knew he had me, he didn’t want me. Every few months he’d break up with me and go out with other girls, “in order to feel single”. Then as soon as he ‘d hear I was seeing other guys, he’d come around again and because I “loved ” him ( whatever that means in your early 20s), I’d take him back. The last time he needed to be single again, I had my own apt., job, was going to school and dating. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to get married and have some kids. He knew that. He heard I was dating, so he started coming around again. We dated, but I dated other men, too. He still lived at home. I’d been on my own for 3 or 4 years. His Mom hated me for some reason. She found out he was seeing me and kicked him out. So, where did he go? He moved in with me. I was very nice, but told him that he knew what I wanted. He didn’t want the same thing. We’d known each other a long time. So, I said he could either marry me or find his own place. He had a good job. We knew what I wanted. But I couldn’t date other men, if he lived in my apt. I gave him a month to find his own place. When that month was up, he asked me to marry him. Like a bonehead, I said yes. He thought he could buy himself another 5 years. Nope. We were married 6 months later and had our first son 14 months after that. He told me later that he figured marrying me was easier than finding his own apt. Really.
It was a nightmare. We separated 4 times and filed for divorce 3 times. The last time we got back together, after a year or so, he told me everyday that when our youngest was 18, he was gone. About 10 years later I woke up and thought, this is stupid. So, I asked him to move out. The youngest was15….why wait 3 more years. He wanted out. He said great. 3 months later he was still here. So, I asked him if he was looking for a place to live. He said no. I said, “Well, you need to start looking.You don’t have to leave tomorrow, but start looking.” Next thing I know, (that day) he’s packed up my van and moved into it in his work parking lot. He told all of our family, friends, and neighbors that I had forced him out of the house and into the van. It wasn’t true, but to this day, a lot of people believe it. I asked him to move out 7 years ago. It was my house, but I never forced him to leave, but it got him a lot of pity, even though he moved in with a woman who’s boyfriend had just broken up with her afew hours before she met my ex in my front yard. She had followed her ex to my house where her ex paid me to rent space for his motorcycle. No one seemed to think about that. I was still the witch, who kicked him out and made him live in the van. Oh well. I think most people know something close to the truth by now. If not, nothing I can do about it.
Hunter- some ex-lovers can be friends……it takes time and maturity.
Comment from Selena
Time February 5, 2008 at 8:41 am
Wow Theatregal, what a story! Very good illustration as to how an ex can twist things to gain sympathy and make the other person look bad. And isn’t it amazing how while they are about this, they manage to leave out any number of facts and pertinent information?
I have an ex I now regard as a horror show. I could tell any number of nasty things about him, but I don’t. See it as rather an embarrassment that I stayed with him as long as I did. This did not stop him in the past of saying nasty things about me–exaggerated, made up, and outright lies. Really the man was not much more than a petulant, tantrum-throwing little boy. Good riddance.
hunter: I also agree that it’s sometimes possible to be friends with ex’s, but it usually does take a bit of time after a break up–sometimes ALOT of time. And a willingness to leave past hurts, past mistakes, in the past.
Comment from hunter
Time February 5, 2008 at 10:26 pm
to theatregal/selena,
…Do you really believe maturity exists in a man’s world? After all those chances you two gave your exes….
Comment from Theatregal
Time February 6, 2008 at 7:37 am
Hunter,
I do actually know some very mature men. Of course, they do all seem to be in the “friend” catagory these days. As far as the ones I ‘ve referrred to in these stories…….not much hope for maturity or friendship…..at least not for a very long time…..maybe, never.
Comment from Selena
Time February 6, 2008 at 11:23 am
Lol hunter.
You know, I think male maturity just might exist more on a platonic level than a romantic one. Dunno, but it seems guys are often more reliable when they are not ‘boyfriends’. And truly, there are some ex’s that would make terrible friends regardless.
Comment from Larz B
Time July 11, 2008 at 2:17 am
If you really think that she dumped him, then don’t try to justify her initial actions by his reaction. That’s a twisted way of thinking that is one step removed from blaming the victim.
“We” broke up means he broke up. He doesn’t want to be her friend! He just gave her that old line to shrug her off, and she didn’t get the hint. Now, she’s coming back around, and, in a cowardly way, he’s sending out the message for her to get lost.
Comment from strawhat
Time April 16, 2009 at 2:47 pm
well you know what they say about a woman scorned, seems it goes for men as well
i have known men who managed to be more of a bitch than any woman i have met
Comment from mmagnolia
Time April 17, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Dear strawhat!
Hope Udon’t intend A Meaning that o-n-l-y ANY of WE! named “woman” corner markets on [lettuce say] *wickedness*!
Men clearly are enabled+have “managed to be ” as female-dogLike as ANY. Thus, Woman’s need 2taste *manslations*!
Capacity 2Feel scorned is a natural universal. Folks can+do playout that universal in diverse [perverse?] ways!
Best o’Best Feelings, strawhat2strawhat!
Comment from Jessica
Time March 26, 2012 at 1:04 pm
I broke up with my bf of 3 and a half months out of anger but it was not for no reason, I was a bitch one weekend and that gave him doubts about our relationship, he ignored me all week only talked to me if I messaged him then he was short with me, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, finally he said he was having doubts about us but he expected me to wait 3 or 4 days to discuss them. I got so angry b/c i thought wow he doesnt care to fix our relationship or he wouldn’t be selfish and make me wait 3 or 4 days to talk so I dumped him via text message. I know that it was wrong of me to dump him by text, it was a long distance relationship and he clearly wasnt finding the time for me. I seen my bf at the time one day at week in which I drove an hour each way to see him and I always spent that 1 day a week hanging out with his friends, seriously who does that, it makes a girl feel great that the only alone time she can get is in a bedroom. Why are guys so selfish? Now I am the bitch that dumped him and his best friend is saying nasty things about me. I just don’t get it. Did I actually hurt the guy that clearly only cared about what he wanted and didn’t even think about my feelings, the worst part is that I actually love the guy and I apologized but he doesn’t care. Now he is ignoring me and probably won’t ever speak to me again. Why are guys so immature and all about themselves? he seriously doesn’t think I don’t care god I cared more then anything and now a second chance can’t be given? some one please help me understand the mind of men.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 30, 2012 at 10:26 pm
Dear Ms.Jessica,
You say U ended the relationship … not for no reason”.
BTW: The “mind of men” (usually) is less TheProblem than is *Character* of men/women! All of us bleed when pricked; All of us should limit pricks [No pun intended]….i.e., limit daPricking!
Simplest view: IF Your ending was with GoodReason AND the reason still exists, understand That4YourSelf…Here&Now!
You say You “cared more then anything”. IF U still care MTA, do everything (legally) possible for a “second chance”. After That….daFinal Flourish is in HisCourt!
Mom always said…even a bad acting person is a good example of HowNot2Be!
Be Kindly2U, as practice4any *One*!
Comment from mar
Time February 4, 2008 at 8:11 am
Jeff,
Again the golden rule: look at what he does, not at what he sayd. You should exploit it more.
How sad. But it proves she was right to split up.
Marie, don’t let the unkind make you unhappy!
Mar