Do Men Ever Feel Used?
Do men ever feel “used” for sex. That’s the question that reader Heather asks today. I think the answer might surprise you. (Well, at least it will if you’re me since I haven’t written it yet!) Let’s see what happens! Heather writes:
Hi Jeff, What happens when the girl doesn’t call the guy. I mean…when you get together in a nice romantic way and you like each other and then he doesn’t pursue, but wait…either does she. What does a guy think? I once had a guy tell me he thought I was using him for sex…come on…me…I’m a nice girl, who was just giving him space to work some things out. Do guys ever feel used?
Dear Heather,
Jeez, Heather, can’t you respect him for his MIND??
First of all, seriously, let me just say that most men I know spend much of their lives wishing that they might be so lucky as to be used for sex. So for that, thank you for making the dreams of many a lad come true.
But seriously, do guys ever feel used?
The answer? Sure. I mean, they certainly ARE used sometimes. And not just for sex either. I’ve used and been used for any number of things in the less-than-idyllic relationships I’ve found myself stranded in. Anytime a relationship is “transactional” (to use one of my favorite terms that my lady fair uses) you run the risk of somebody not getting what they bargained for. As in, if he feels like you’re getting what YOU want, but he’s not getting what HE wants, sure, he’s going to feel used.
HOWEVER…
In the situation you describe, he didn’t pursue you AND you didn’t pursue him. You got together in a “nice romantic way” (wink wink, nudge nudge, you sly devil!) and then that was that. So, what does a guy think in THAT situation?
THE STAGES OF POST-NOOKY DISAPPEARANCE
In my life when I’ve been in situations like this….I mean…when I’ve READ about people having sex and then both parties moving on without a trace…I saw something about that on PBS one time while I was…writing poems about…oh, ok, I’ve done it, what are you going to do, ask for your blog money back?
So in a staggering display of brilliance, I will reveal what’s gone through MY mind in that situation. If I can remember. It’s been kind of a long time since I’ve had one of these (To my eternal shame as a man, I just don’t do well on the one-nighters. Always ended up feeling lonelier than if I had just stayed home and flown solo.)
- Duck & Cover: “Oh I really hope I don’t have to run into her.”
- Prayer: “Please don’t call, please don’t call, please don’t call…”
- Paranoia: “It’s quiet. Too quiet. Must be a trap. Stay vigilant.”
- The Penny Drops: “Hey…she wasn’t going to call me either. What the hey? What am I, a potted plant or something?”
- Count Your Blessings: “Oh shut up, Needy-Me. You got out. Enjoy it. If I run into her it might be awkward, but…well, whatever.”
Honestly, if he didn’t make a move to pursue YOU then you can be reasonably sure he was fine with you not calling him either. I don’t know too many dudes who sit at home by the phone in their fuzzy slippers, sipping on umbrella drinks and praying that the phone will ring and it will be…She. (Full disclosure: I don’t know anybody of either gender who dresses that way for any reason, so take that with a grain of salt.)
VERDICT: NO WORRIES HERE
Look, if a guy said you were using him for sex…sigh…there are worse ways to spend time, ok fella?
But seriously, it doesn’t sound like it was your intention to use him for sex. If he took it that way, well, that is very likely just the inevitable miscommunication that comes with leaving one’s house in the morning and interacting with other people that are not you. (Something that I’d desperately like to curtail. In fact, most days I regret even leaving the bed.)
Seriously, every relationship — no matter how brief — is all experimental, right? And absolutely 100% ANYTHING goes, as long as both people continue to be cool with it. So, if he didn’t like your arrangement, he is welcome to tell you (as he did) and you’re welcome to say “uh…sorry…wait, wha?” (which I assume you ultimately did.)
What are you going to do? Run around like a maniac trying to make sure you don’t do anything that might seem like you’re using him for sex? (Personally, anytime you “run around” in the middle of a relationship, I find it a little weird regardless of the cause. Plus it’s exhausting.) All you can do is follow your own direction. Whether that’s your heart, your gut, some people follow their bile duct (or so they claim) whatever. As long as you are ok with what you were doing, whatev. And if he wasn’t, well, that’s on him to deal with it.
Good luck, Heather. And feel free to use men for sex. Or at least tell people that you do. Makes you seem like kind of a bad ass for some reason.
What do you say, miladies? Anybody out there know men who’ve felt used? Maybe by you?
Posted: February 21st, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Susan
Time February 21, 2008 at 11:05 am
Seems to me this guy all of a sudden felt bad that YOU weren’t doing any post-coital pursuing. it sounds suspiciously like that hidden anger/rejection/neediness/insecurity that Jeff has posted about before. Or he could be going through something else uncertain in his life that is unrelated but taking it out on you. Whatever the case, it’s his problem, not yours!
Comment from mar
Time February 21, 2008 at 11:28 am
Hi everyone
I think the answer to Heather’s question is: yes, guys can feel like they are being used for sex.
I think both men and women are equally capably of using others for sex and that they are equally capable of feeling they are being used for sex.
But “using somebody else for sex” is not always a problem. What is a problem is to use others for sex who don’t want to be used for sex. Some people really dislike being used for sex, but not everyone… We all have known or heard of couples who used each other for sex, and they were fine with it, because it was what they actually wanted, and because it was a mutual desire. Those arrangements may be uncommon, but they are not unheard of, and they sometimes work fine for both parties. Of course, the great majority of cases is when one uses another for sex, who doesn’t want to be used for sex. And then it IS a problem. To sum up: whether it is a problem or not depends on what both parties want and do.
Basically, if this guy is not calling back, and she is not calling back either, and none of them seem to be upset… well, they might have been using each other for sex, but are OK with it?
Regards
Mar
Comment from Lori Mocha
Time February 21, 2008 at 3:26 pm
A guy once accused me of using him for sex and, well, I mean, that WAS the main reason I was with him.
I have friends already, and I doubt I woulda been hanging with him if not for the sex, but, I would have called it a mutually-beneficially-unspoken-agreement-of-who-knows-what-we’re-doing? (Or a more eloquent title that you make up that means the same).
But, I was so confused. I thought men LIKED being used for sex?
Don’t they usually like being used for sex, Jeff?!
Comment from Jeff Mac
Time February 21, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Selena & Susan: I agree — if I read this correctly, kinda seems like we’ve got to put this one on him.
Mar: Very true — anything goes as long as everybody’s cool with it. And hey, he wasn’t and he said so. Huzzah. Have fun not getting used for sex, dude.
Lori Mocha: Long time no hear!! And yes, most dudes are pretty much fine with it. Except when they, you know, LIKE you. Then it feels kinda lousy. But it’s still significantly better than a poke in the eye with a stick, is my feeling. (In fact many things are, if my experience is any guide..)
Comment from Lori Mocha
Time February 21, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I think that men just don’t like the taste of their own medicine, which I understand because oddly enough, your own medicine usually tastes terrible.
Why don’t we make our own medicine so it tastes good?
I don’t know but we don’t.
Comment from Theatregal
Time February 21, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Men are easily ego-bruised,
Either, he did really like you…..but if that is the case why didn’t he pursue you? Maybe, he’s shy. : )
Or he’s used to being chased. If the “usual scenario” doesn’t take place, it can be VERY disconcerting for these guys who are used to being in total control and used to being chased. For this type of guy…I think it’s a good learning experience.
Comment from hunter
Time February 21, 2008 at 9:16 pm
to Lori Mocha,
..sure we like to be used for sex, but there is more to it…..women that use us for sex, are in a relationship, and need to be rescued…….there are no free lays…….
Comment from hunter
Time February 22, 2008 at 6:08 pm
to lori,
…most women that have offered me sex, are on there way out of a relationship…and, they don’t have a job…..
Comment from AnneZ
Time February 23, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Does no one see what I see? I think it was a line.
The possible outcomes he was hoping for:
1. She’ll feel bad and proceed to make it up to him. Uh huh.
1b. After she “makes it up” to him, he’ll have another line.
or
2. She’ll feel bad and internalize all the “blame” so none of it falls on him.
2b. She won’t trash talk him to her circle of doable friends, leaving his hunting grounds unsullied.
2c.She’ll be busy berating herself, thereby–and this is absolutely crucial–have no chance to berate him.
It’s all about keeping his distance from her on terms favorable to him.
I don’t think there was an ounce of sincerity in what he said. Am I alone in this?
Comment from marsha
Time February 24, 2008 at 8:50 pm
to hunter,
listen, I have a job, and no relationships to speak of for years, and I am constantly giving it away. As are many of the women I know. We usually are giving it away to people either because we like them or because we feel desperate. What makes you attracted to the desperate women?
Comment from marsha
Time February 24, 2008 at 8:51 pm
to hunter
or could they simply like you even though they are in desperate circumstances?
Comment from marsha
Time February 24, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Oh and Re: actual blog post…I was in this situation when 21. The truth was a very deep and creepy psychological issue. but no matter what the reason you move out and you will shake the situation up. He will either come after realizing he loves you (Does that EVER happen?) or you will be free to be you without the weird roommate issues that distract you from doing the stuff you really want to get done, for you. See my point? 
Comment from mssinglemama
Time February 24, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I have had SO many men feel used by me…and get this – it was because of the way I slept with them. Because I guess I’m a bit dominating in the bedroom. I’m comfortable in my own skin and definitely make sure I get my end of the deal, whether or not they’re helping me get there. Make sense? Don’t want to be too graphic.
But yes, I’ve had a number of men tell me they felt used and many of them were definitely hurt. Whether they admit it or not – guys, just like us girls – do not like being used – no one does.
Comment from Heather
Time February 24, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Thanks for answering Jeff. Your insight, as always, makes me laugh out loud and I process so much better when I’m laughing. I’d much rather be accused of using someone for their mind, at least I would have learned something…I already know how to have badass sex.
Susan you are right in that he had other things on his mind and a huge dollup of insecurity. Theatregirl, you’re right too, if I had pursued, there would likely have been more sex to be used for (wink). As it turns out, he’s ended up with the one who did more petitioning. And, AnneZ, you’re not alone. He may well have been trying to convince me or himself that it was only sex and preying on my “good girl” self to want to make it up to him. You’ll be happy to know I didn’t fall for it and have moved well on.
Hunter, since I wasn’t actually using him…I truly did care deeply for him…I don’t fall in the category of needy and jobless. But it sounds like you’ve attracted that type of woman in the past. I am sorry you felt used…choose wisely my friend. We all deserve to give and receive something meaningful.
Comment from hunter
Time February 25, 2008 at 10:08 pm
to mssinglemama,
….how strange that men tell you that, we normally don’t complain about being used in bed, we complain about depletion of the check book…
Comment from Observer
Time November 27, 2008 at 12:15 am
I had 2 exes accuse me of using them for sex ,BUT they came crawling to me begging me to be their casual sex partner. My ex said “You used me for sex, so now it’s your turn to give me back some sex for my own gain.” HUH?
It was weird. I think guys can feel used for sex. I had one guy tell another guy to stay away from me, b/c apparently “all what I want is sex”, and that made me a bad person?
These men were all of East Indian origin residing in the states.
Comment from Selena
Time February 21, 2008 at 7:55 am
Why would a guy accuse a woman of using him for sex if he didn’t try to pursue HER afterward? This doesn’t make sense to me. If neither party was doin’ any pursuin’ after the romantic interlude it would seem a clear case of “just not enough there”. No harm, no foul, move on.