Why Are Men Such Untrusting Buffoons? A Calm, Rational Question…
It’s Friday, folks, and we’ve got a very calm, relaxed, easy-going question from a reader named Shelley, who just wants to know — gently, gently– why men are such jealous idiots. Read on for the answer:
Why are men such untrusting buffoons? Why after years of marriage and absolute commitment do they still feel the need to trace your every move and still convince themselves that they cannot trust you as far as they can throw you?
Dear Shelley,
Well, first of all, you can’t pin this one on “men” ok? You didn’t marry “men.” You married “that guy.” But…well, ok. It’s not such an uncommon problem, I’ll grant you that. And yes, if a man hits on my lovely girlfriend, do I hope he accidentally drinks poison until he poops out his own liver? Sure, fine. You caught me. So, what IS this jealousy thing?
MALE JEALOUSY EXPLAINED
Seems to me that there’s two versions of this.
- Doesn’t trust other men NEAR you.
- Doesn’t trust YOU.
And by the way, men have NOT cornered the market on this one. I’ve dated plenty of women who either didn’t trust ME or didn’t trust other women to be around me.
The first one is…well, for men, that one actually makes sense. We know how OUR brains work. We know that anytime we want to sleep with a woman, other men must be thinking the same thing. And in vivid detail. And we want them dead. It’s just a natural, murderous reaction and nothing to worry about. A lot of male animals do this. I remember one time when I was at a bar and a guy was hitting on my then-girlfriend, and I think I actually growled. (Don’t worry — I stopped myself short of peeing on her. Actually, considering how that relationship turned out…I might as well have.)
WHAT IF HE DOESN’T TRUST YOU, THOUGH?
If it’s YOU he doesn’t trust, that’s something else again. That’s insecurity and it can get ugly. That’s someone who says, “No, she couldn’t possibly remain faithful to ME. I have to make sure I know everywhere she goes so I can make sure she doesn’t get the chance to screw me over.” It’s a control thing. His heart is in your hands, and for a man that’s not always the most comfortable place for it. (Metaphorically, I’m saying. No one is comfortable with their heart LITERALLY in someone else’s hands. Tends to sting. I saw that on Discovery Channel.)
The problem with this one (as the tone of your question ever-so-gently implies) is that it’s exhausting and exasperating to constantly have to defend yourself against something you didn’t even do. Makes for great television (“Imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit…“) but a lousy home life.
I’ve been the recipient of this kind of jealousy before, and I found it infuriating.
THE ONLY WAY TO WIN THE GAME IS NOT TO PLAY
Thank you, Joshua. How about a nice game of chess? (Man, I have got to watch newer movies.)
Seriously, you can NOT respond to an irrational jealousy by responding to it as if it were rational. As in, when he says, “Where were you on Thursday?” You can’t “reassure” him with an answer. You’ve got to break the pattern, or else he’ll assume that this is an acceptable way to interact.
The downside is, he might still choose to behave this way, even if you demand a change. But either way, the only way out of this kind of nonsense is through it. Here’s what I’d recommend. Something like:
“Ok, when you trace my every move like this, I feel very, very frustrated. So I want you to tell me, right now, right here, in no uncertain terms: Are you truly concerned that I am a cheater? Do you believe that I am someone who is going to cheat on you? Because if you are, we need to deal with that right now, once and for all.”
You’re not trying to “confront” him as much as just bringing this out into the daylight. This kind of insecurity usually can’t withstand the harsh light of reality.
If he admits that he doesn’t really believe you’d cheat, make him say it. “Listen, I want you to say it just like this. I know that you are faithful to me. See, if you can’t say that, I don’t know if you trust me or not. And if you don’t trust me, obviously we’ve got big problems.” If he’s not willing to say it, ask him why. Remember, you’re not playing “gotcha” you’re just trying to find out what’s going on, and what you can do about it.
Now, if he actually DOES think you’re going to cheat on him, well, he’s either going to have to get over that or he’s going to create a situation where you and he are so cut off from one another that you might actually, you know, DO it.
Good luck, Shelley. Whew, this is not an easy one. If you want it to stop, you’re going to have to get inside his head a little. (Again, only metaphorically. If you do this literally, you’ll be going to jail.)
Oh layyyydies? Anybody deal with a jealous man before? Mmm…probably not. Silly of me to even ask the question, right?
Posted: February 22nd, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Kevin
Time February 22, 2008 at 9:55 am
Hi Jeff:
First off, men are NOT buffoons. Just check all the internet posts on people who are cheating on theirs spouses and SO’s, both men and women and tell me that it’s not a concern in any relationship.
Second, guys are predators. As you put it, men know what other men think. They know that some guy somewhere is thinking about how to get into her head, and eventually into her pants. So not trusting other men is completely legitimate. And a little bit of this type of jealousy can actually be good, as it forces someone to not take his or her spouse for granted.
Not trusting your spouse, without a real reason, however, is not. There has to be discussion, true communication and both partners have to work at making their partnership work and secure from outside influences.
Kevin
Comment from hunter
Time February 22, 2008 at 10:33 am
….to add fuel to the fire, I read a man’s magazine survey that said, 70% of married women over 35 years old, admit to having extramarital affairs…
Comment from hunter
Time February 22, 2008 at 10:36 am
to jeff,
…one disadavanatage of being with an attractive woman, she gets hit on almost everywhere you two go…..
Comment from Lori
Time February 22, 2008 at 1:48 pm
In my case, I am usually the jealous lunatic, not the dude.
In really, really good relationships, I don’t think cheating is concern because if it’s really really good, trust is there.
Comment from Selena
Time February 22, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I think when someone does not trust their partner, without a legimate reason, it is because they themselves are insecure.
Accusing a partner of cheating is also sometimes the tactic of a person who is in fact cheating himself. Be aware of that.
Comment from hunter
Time February 22, 2008 at 6:04 pm
to Shelley,
….oh, are you dollying up when you leave the house by yourself?………
Comment from mmagnolia
Time February 22, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Dear Hunter: Let’s douse that flame a little by considering what survey, how conducted, by whom conducted, what questions asked, and of whom questions asked! On the other grill: there are stats to show equal or greater percentages of married men who admit to extra-marital affairs. If your preferred theory is that married females cannot be trusted, conclusion is itself out-of- reach because faithfulness of woman or man depends on what- woman and what-man under scrutiny. Introduction of data, albeit not fully served, is cheering, nonetheless. Press on!
Comment from Lisa
Time February 23, 2008 at 2:17 am
Jeff, You are absolutely hysterical. Your portrayal of marking your territory on your former girlfriend made me giggle with great intensity. ***could have led to the wetting of my pants*** Thankfully, I was quick to react and made a run for it.
My policy is, and it’s worked for me so far, is….if my actions are right and I’m not doing anything wrong, like walking out of the house fully naked and I’m still being accused of lying, cheating….etc, than something is up with him.
At least that’s been my experience, I believe this is something you deemed “the anger smokescreen” .
I come here to read how to interact with my male coworkers. It’s fantastic. You are truly the zen master!!!
Comment from hunter
Time February 24, 2008 at 12:21 pm
to mmagnolia,
…I am not sure if I read that in, “The Evolution of Desire,” by David Buss, or, “Is Sex Necessary?” by James Thuber……….at 35+ we justify our behaviour with all kinds of reasons…and evidence…..
Comment from mssinglemama
Time February 24, 2008 at 10:11 pm
I could never be with a jealous man! Jealousy is soooo unattractive and it’s just ridiculous. I think it’s also in the woman’s court to put a naturally jealous man at ease…to not feed any of his insecurities.
Comment from Elise
Time March 2, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Jealousy can be an issue of self esteem and trust issues. Sometimes the most jealous men are jealous for a reason! They don’t trust other men or themselves. The most jealous men that I dated have actually cheated on me!!
Comment from Ruth
Time March 6, 2009 at 8:49 am
All I can say is that my exhubby was extremely jealous and very accusing to the point where I just gave up and never went anywhere unless he was with me.
I found out later on that he was worried I would cheat on him because he was cheatting on me with a family friend and I just didn’t know it. Which is why he is the exhubby…
Now I figure, if the guy is that jealous then he has an alturnative reason which really isn’t about you…
Comment from mar
Time February 22, 2008 at 6:52 am
Hi Jeff
Yes I dealt with a jealous bf once, long ago. But I regard him as a special case and not as representative of men in general.
My experience was really frustrating. He was jealous but in a very sophisticated way, so he was very good at disguising his jealousy into something else. So it was very difficult to accuse him of being jealous. If I then pointed out that he was being jealous and acting jealous, that had the effect of activating his jealousy. He would then say that if I was bothered by that that could only be because I was hiding something or wanted to be able to hide things… So it completely backfired.
Of course this was very insane. I am sorry I have nothing very useful to say. I think in my case the major difficulty was for him to realize that he was being jealous. I suppose if one can actually recognize that in oneself, then that’s already a big achievement and part of the solution. So perhaps that’s the most important thing to learn from my own experience.
I must say that the distinction you make between trusting other men around and trusting your partner is very important and very insightful. Not trusting other men around your partner is not nearly as bad as not trusting your own partner. If you don’t trust your own partner then your relationship and your happiness will be seriously jeopardised. The main difficulty for men in this position is to realise that the reason they don’t trust their partners may be in THEMSELVES, and not in their partners.
I think the advice you give to Shelley is very good. I would only add to that that if it they can’t work it out by themselves, they seek a relationship councellor.
Good luck Shelley
Mar