Continue a “non-relationship” or Move On?
We’ve got another one of these famous red-haired, one-eyed lottery-winning unicorns: the “man who is afraid of commitment.” A reader named Aurora is with a man who is being what I would call fairly clear with her. But she doesn’t see it that way. Let’s see what we can tell from his behavior. Aurora writes:
Jeff-
Here’s the deal. We met in July. I’m in my mid 30′s, him, his mid-late 20′s. 9 year difference. I live in a small town. I have had a private medical practice for 5 years now. Have worked very hard to build my practice, so moving away is not really an option for me. In the beginning of September, we had a ‘talk’ and he told me that he wasn’t ready for a commitment. (He had recently broken up with a live-in girlfriend 6 months earlier.)
Ok, my Spider-senses are already tingling here, Aurora. And you know what that means. Either a.) I’m about to get some awesome superpowers, b.) he is a fly, or c.) he is not being 100% honest with you. “Not ready for a commitment,” rarely means exactly that. It usually means, “I’m not feeling it in the way that I think that YOU are.” It’s almost always a way to cushion the blow. (Has anyone ever said that he’s not ready for a commitment, and then a month later said, “Ok, whew! Now I’m ready for a commitment. Thanks for waiting!”)
I was getting the feeling that he was kinda scared of where things may be going. I had been playing by the ‘rules’. Not calling all the time. Letting him chase me. (Initially on one of our first dates, he mentioned that he saw that we could have something serious.) So during our talk, he decided that he only wanted to be friends. Something about he wasn’t ready to have kids right away.(My interpretation: I’m old, if he continued a relationship with me I would need to have kids right away.)
Maybe. Or it might be him thinking, “Ok, what can I say that won’t hurt her feelings, but that will disqualify this thing as a relationship?”
I was also getting the vibe that he did not want to live in this small town for the rest of his life. He is originally from a larger city about an hour and a half away. I was able to keep my emotions in check (no tears) and stated that it was fine with me. And if that’s what he wanted, I would respect his feelings.
I called him the next day and he came over to watch one of our favorite TV shows. Nothing physical happened. But I ended up telling him that I didn’t want to be friends with him. That I wanted something more and I was sorry. So he leaves.
Ok. Now, hear that one for a second. Here’s the recap so far:
- You guys dated a little bit.
- he ended it wanting to be “just friends.”
- You said that wasn’t enough.
- He left.
Fast forward to October. He know that I am going to a conference in Las Vegas. So he sends me a text, while I am there. Asking me how I am and hoping that I have a good time. I don’t reply.
Good for you to resist the urge to reply. It was just a baited hook, that one was. That was guilt, right there. He just wanted to see if you were still hurt (i.e. if he was still the eville man with the handlebar mustache. Or any mustache. Or any handlebars. It’s all pretty bad.)
At the end of October, I (stupidly) send him an email. And eventually he is invited to come over to my house.
Ah well. So much for resisting. (Don’t feel bad. The “resist the irresistable” part of my brain isn’t the boss of ME, either. It’s more like the guy you leave in charge when you REALLY need to run an errand for just a FEW MINUTES…and then when you come back the fire trucks are there, and he’s saying, “I-I-I don’t know what happened!”)
We (awkwardly) ended up kissing… (Back track… When we were dating initially, he would look into my eyes with such intensity, that I felt he was looking into my soul.)
We then started dating again. I know that he likes me (a lot). We have everything in common. And the physical attraction is unbelievable (have not had sex).
About a month ago, I asked him if he was ‘still not into the relationship thing’. He got all flustered and stated that he didn’t want a relationship and that he really liked me. But that he didn’t want to hold me back from a possible relationship with someone else. blah, blah, blah.
Once again, what he’s doing here is all sexual. Even pre-sex, that’s what it is, isn’t it? I don’t care how deeply he looked into your eyes, this is a guy who is walking away whenever you let him know you want to be close. And once again, he won’t tell you that HE isn’t feeling it. He says he “doesn’t want to hold YOU back.” Blah, blah, blah is right. Nobody cares about holding you back. They say that when they don’t want to be held back.
I’m like… calm down it was just a question. (So now I know that I still need to keep my options open). And again he stated that he really likes me. (And I know he does, my friends can see it).
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk, talk, talk. What has he DONE for you lately?
So for the past few months we see each other about 2 times a week.
Ok, now we’re getting somewhere…
Which is fine with me, as we are both super busy. We go out to dinner, watch movies. He has showed up at the bar that my girlfriends and I hang out at and he spent the entire nights with us. He has told me that he gets lost in my brown eyes. My grandmother recently passed away. We had plans to see each other later in the week, but he rearranged his schedule to see me that night. When he came over, he had flowers, hot chocolate, and candy for me.
Ok, that’s sweet of him. And meeting up with your friends is interesting. But not with HIS friends, though, right? Just saying.
Reading your columns… Listen to what he does and not what he says…. I just want to shake him and inform him that regardless of what he thinks… we are in a relationship.
I guess my question is, do I continue with our ‘non’ relationship? Or do I move on?
Did I mention that I am completely head over heels for him?
Thanks!
Dear Aurora,
Well, here’s the thing. You might have misread what I meant by “listen to what he does” to mean “listen to what you think he feels.” And don’t feel badly — this is a huge area of confusion for a lot of women I know.
HOW COME HE DOESN’T KNOW WE’RE IN LOVE??
I’ve mentioned this before — my lady fair said this to me one time, and it just blew me away. She said that some women feel something when they are with a man and interpret that to mean that the feeling “exists outside of themselves.” As in, “This is L-O-V-E, and I’m just reacting to it. And so, he must be too. And if he isn’t…what’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he know we’re in love???!”
Well, there’s nothing wrong with him. He doesn’t know you’re in a relationship because he’s not in one. Know how I know? Every time you mention relationship, he bails. Sure, he’s willing to hang around with you, have fun. He likes you. Maybe even LOVES you. But he’s not in a relationship with you. Why? Who knows? The point is that he’s telling you over and over again that he is happy to be with you on his terms (have fun, see you whenever), but not on your terms (Relationship.)
Hey, maybe I’ve got him 100% wrong, and he’s just “afraid of commitment.” But it seems like he’s holding out for things that are not you.
WHAT TO DO?
Look, he obviously cares about you. But that’s not the issue. And it’s obvious that you are in A relationship — but the question is, is the one you’re IN the one you want to be in. And that’s what makes this a tough decision, no? Do you continue to spend time with a man who doesn’t take your relationship seriously, even if he truly cares about you? And the answer is, that’s entirely up to you. He’s not going to change because, well, why should he? He gets to spend time with you. He gets to mess around with you, have fun, be close–and then keep all of his options 100% open.
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME…
Let’s say you’re right, that you ARE in a relationship even though he will not agree to call it that. Is that enough? Or is it always going to be a problem that he won’t accept that you’re together? That’s the question. I know that you’re head over heels in love with him. And that’s also not the issue. The issue is, can you accept this “relationship” on HIS terms. Because he’s not apparently not interested in any other terms. In fact, every time you’ve tried to change the terms, he has bailed. Every time.
So this is it. Take THIS or leave it, because as in love as you are, as much as he obviously cares about you and likes spending time with you…he’s willing to accept THIS.
Good luck, Aurora. I’m sorry to be such a cold cup of coffee on this one, but it reads to me like a guy who, while he cares about you, is not interested in altering his life very much for you.
What say ye, ladies? Is this guy really “in a relationship” with her or not? And should she accept his terms?
Posted: February 25th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time February 25, 2008 at 10:02 am
erm… where I say “He think he is obviously…” please read “I think he is obviously…”
I have gotten in the habit of manslating first thing in the morning, when I obviously can’t write properly!
Comment from Selena
Time February 25, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I think he is in a relationship, but it is one that falls under the umbrella of “Casual”. In 7 mos. he has proven he can take it or leave it. He may genuinely care for you, but not ‘enough’. His telling you that he won’t “hold you back, blah,blah, blah” is proof of that. If he was in love with you he would abhor the idea of you finding someone else.
Everything Jeff wrote is on target. He’s getting all he wants out of this r’ship, but are YOU? I can see a great temptation to continue on in a casual r’ship with someone you are head over heels about. You’re getting attention and affection right? So what’s wrong with that? The major drawback I can see, is sooner or later he is going to meet someone he feels more than casually about. He won’t even have to break up with you, because in his mind, you were never actually a ‘couple’. Being head over heels, I imagine that losing him to someone else is going to feel pretty devestating.
So it comes down to you deciding to go with the flow and enjoy the casual relationship as long as it lasts. Or end it now with the knowledge you would rather hurt some now rather than alot later on. Certainly not an easy choice either way.
Comment from Aurora
Time February 25, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Thanks so much for replying to my email. It was the kick in the a** that I really needed.
But here’s an update… About 2 weeks ago, he had a small party/gathering of friends (his friends) and was very affectionate in front of them. And then he totally blows me off for about 10 days (over Valentine’s Day, of course). At this point, I am sooo not calling him. So he eventually contacts me and through the conversation he tells me that he went out with someone else. And that he felt really guilty about it. Blah, blah, blah. But he knows that I see other people too. And that he still wants to see me. At this point I’m kinda in shock (I’m not seeing other people) and replied ‘OK’ to everything he said. (I may have even replied to him asking me for a kidney…..)
That evening was not a pretty one for me. But after a good (or not so good) night’s sleep… I decided that he doesn’t deserve me.
So needless to say. I’m done. And after reading your manslation, I’m really, really done.
Again, I would like to thank you so much for your help. I was making excuses for him and trying to convince myself that things could be different… It’s a realy eye opener when you read your own post online and have outsiders comment. (So thanks to everyone.)
I have a very strong feeling that he will be calling me again, in about a month or so. I will be much stronger this time around. No third chances for him!!
PS. How did you know I was a red-head 
Comment from Aurora
Time February 25, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Sorry, forgot to add. The day after he told me he went out with someone else… I get this… the timing couldn’t have been better.
http://happygirlmusing.com/
Check Friday Feb 22
Comment from Selena
Time February 25, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Sorry it didn’t work out Aurora, but glad you are feeling stronger. Thanks for sharing Terri’s blog. She does say the same things Jeff does about men in these situations, doesn’t she?
Comment from hunter
Time February 25, 2008 at 10:02 pm
…..man maybe clueless, totally unaware of dating code,..that is still not your problem, Aurora….
Comment from mmagnolia
Time February 25, 2008 at 11:24 pm
AaaHa! Sensed something off-key, Ms. Aurora; had to reread to find. Fact is you noted that you would not relocate to where the fellow is and we can presume neither would he. So: a more viable relationship is neither pragmatic nor desired–REALLY–by either of you. So: the problem of ‘relating in limbo’ may not be the problem. In that event, you can claim & be of good cheer!
Comment from Catherine
Time February 26, 2008 at 10:08 am
what an asshole.
Comment from Hanie
Time February 26, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Jeff, I think what this guy gives to Aurora is only half loaf and depending on how she takes her bread, I dont think I would settle for anything less. Its either he is in or he is out.
Comment from guy-guy
Time March 2, 2008 at 10:58 am
Aurora,
What happened was for the best. It is possible that this guy cared about you, maybe even loved you as a person, but he never was and never will be in love with you.
The reality is that he was using you. Why? Because you let him. He knew that he could toy with your emotions (he knew that he was stringing you along) and get everything that he wanted out of this while still remaining 100% ‘free’. Everytime you slept with him after he blatantly refused to commit to you only reinforced his idea that you were an easy target. That may suck to hear, but it is the truth.
If a guy is not willing to commit after two or three months then chances are going to be that he never will. Of course there are situations in which the guy as legitimate reasons for hesitating, but general a guy knows right away if he wants a relationship with you or just a good time. And, as long as you let him have a good time with you, he will take advantage of that even if you are the last person on Earth that he consider seriously dating.
Comment from Elise
Time March 2, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Aurora, I’m so glad you decided to dump this loser. You deserve someone better. My daughter went through a similiar relationship with a guy who gave her excuse after excuse as to why he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He first told her he wanted to get to know her better. Then he told her he wasn’t over his last girlfriend yet. Then he told her he didn’t have time for a girlfriend and that he couldn’t be a good boyfriend to her. All this time he showered her with affection and attention and he was certainly acting like they were a couple. He even told her he loved her and that he didn’t tell very many girls that. She was “hooked” ready to accept that and wait until he was ready to commit. Well to make a long story short, they finally had a long talk and he decided they should just be friends because he could see she was getting hurt from his lack of commitment. She accepted that and they continued to be friends. Six days later on VALENTINE”S DAY he asks another girl out and gives her a RING! She was so hurt. He basically lied to her the entire time she was seeing him and cheated on her. She couldn’t even accuse him of cheating because in his eyes they were not dating. The only one he was thinking about was himself!! What an asshole!! It gets even worse….. NOW he continues to call her and flirt with her. He says things like you are so beautiful. I told her this was the exact same thing he was doing to you behind your back. It may take some time to find someone else but you deserve to be treated better. Hang in there!!
Comment from Aurora
Time March 3, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Thank you all so much for the responses. It’s been difficult, but I’m doing well. You would think at 36 I would know better!
Guy-guy- I do take half the responsibility for the way he treated me. In fact, I was telling my friends… he only treated me the way I let him treat me. The problem was… as a person, he’s a very nice guy. So I kept making excuses for him. So glad that I wised up! I do want to clarify that we were not having sex. (I am old enough to know that if he can’t commit, I’m not having sex with him.) That would have just made the whole thing even harder to deal with.
He hasn’t contacted me yet… but I know it’s coming. And I will be strong. His loss 
Comment from Samantha
Time October 12, 2008 at 2:19 am
I think women can very easily become confused by a guy. Aurora’s story explains that perfectly. From experience now, I know it’s really really really simple. A guy can like you, be really attracted to you, care about you, but if they are saying they aren’t ready for a commitment, and aren’t trying to make you happy you have to let them GO. It will end eventually, anyway. A guy will make it known and will take action if they want you to be their girlfriend. I saw someone for a couple of years. Started out great. He saw us as a couple, a future. At some point, it changed.. he started saying the thing about not wanting a commitment.. never met anyone he knows… he kept calling me, coming over.. but would not not not move forward with me. Even said he’s not a relationship kind of guy. Towards the end he came over and said he wanted to start thinking about BEING a relationship guy. A couple weeks later he denied saying it. He called off and on for the next couple of months anyway… up until I just said I would see him as a friend, but that’s IT. He called two days later and said we should have no more contact with each other. He married someone else a month later. A month later, yes. Got married. Please girls, do not NOT mess around with a guy who confuses you and leaves you guessing and makes you feel unhappy. It doesn’t matter if you feel in love or if you feel there is a lot of chemistry. That fact will just keep confusing you.
Comment from Eugenia
Time April 6, 2009 at 7:24 pm
From all the above, Samantha, I salute you!!! It is so true and really helped me right now. Thanks.
Comment from Samantha
Time April 7, 2009 at 12:01 am
Oh, good. I’m so glad it helped!
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Comment from mar
Time February 25, 2008 at 7:22 am
Hi Jeff and Aurora
He think he is obviously in some sort of relationship with Aurora. I mean, that’s obvious: they are seeing each other, they are relating, and on a regular basis.
I also think it’s probably true that he really likes her.
But I think he really does not want a relationship. That is, he really does not want the kind of relationship that she wants.
I think he is being very self-centered and even selfish. I mean, it’s all very easy to say “I don’t want to hold you back from something else.” But the fact of the matter is, isn’t he holding her back from finding something else? He is, definitely, when he meets her and looks into her eyes. I mean, that is to keep sexual tension high. And, therefore, interest.
I once had a bf who said he didn’t love me and that I deserved better. Yet, he stayed on a relationship with me because he was happy. It did look a lot that he was in some sort of self-denial. But the truth of the matter is that he was getting from me exactly what he wanted to get, and by doing so I kept trapped in a relationship that wasn’t going to go anywhere. And I was being held back.
Aurora, don’t make the same mistake. He likes you and likes to hang out with you. He’s getting what he wants. It’s a relationship (friendship or whatever) on his terms. And he is holding you back.
Best
Mar