manslations

What happens when you meet a man, and you’re clearly not the first woman to have been there? What happens when someone else has already gotten to him, grabbed his heart and hooked up electrodes to its testacles and cranked the thing up to eleven? (MANSLATOR’S NOTE: There are those who deny that the heart even HAS testicles. I defy them to prove it in the next 3 seconds. No? Good, I win.) What happens when you’ve got to deal with the aftermath with him? A reader calling herself “Confused and Cautious” might just have to find out. She writes:

OK, I’ve read your e-mails and find this website most interesting. Actually, I feel like I’ve found a secret place into a mans mind. Here’s my story.

There’s this guy at work that I’ve been interested in dating for a while now. He was living with his girlfriend of 11 years until about a 1 year and a half ago. We started out as just hanging out then moved into dating on Christmas Eve 2007. Actually, that was the first time we kissed. He would call me everyday to let me know what he was doing and where he was going and to stop by for a little while. We have tons of stuff in common and get along really well.

The relationship then turned sexual and it was GREAT!!!! Just as great as the kissing and snuggling. Everything was going well. We made plans and had fun.

It all sounds fun and fantastic so far! Yeeha! Why are you writing to ME??

Almost 1 month into the relationship, I noticed that he was a bit distant.

Oh, ok, now I get it.

It felt really strange so I confronted him. Asked if he was still attracted to me because he hadn’t touched me in a week. He said he was but that he had a lot of emotions that were surfacing. He thought it would be easy to date someone from work (which he had a rule of thumb to never do, but decided to take a chance on me and see where this journey would take us), but it was harder then he thought.

Hm. I’m not buying this excuse. Sounds like a “warm-up” excuse, as he works up his courage to tell you the real reason it got weird.

He said he was going through some emotional stuff.

Ok, now we’re getting warmer… He’s dipping his toe in the water. His “emotional stuff” comment being the toe and your reaction to such a question being the water. You’re all with me, right?

I told him I didn’t want to be one of his issues. I was trying to be considerate and take myself out of the equation in order for him to work through it. He said he was trying to work through it, but didn’t take my feeling into consideration and apologized. I asked if he wanted to stop and he asked “Do you mind?”. I, of course said, sure no problem. Anyways, told him that I’ll be fine.

Really??

Not true.

No, not true. Ugh. That is the worst. You give him an out…and he TAKES it. That’s not what he’s supposed to DO! Doesn’t he watch movies? He’s supposed to say, “No, no, of course not!” Uninformed fool.  Rent this kid some John Cusack movies, stat!

But I’m still not sure what went wrong…

Oh, did I mention that we ran into his ex’s brother in law and sister at an event.

Aha. No. No, you did not mention that. And now we see it.

He apologized for being so aloof, it’s just that he sees them but has never seen them with another girl. He asked how long it took me to get over my ex and I said a while. He said he’s loyal to her. I told him that if he ever needed space, to let me know and I would back-off. Don’t want to crowd him. She left him and moved out of the state. They still keep in touch.

And now YOU are in the mix. See, you were accidentally dropped right into the aftermath of that last relationship. And then, he accidentally meets up with someone who is probably very like family to him, but with someone who isn’t the Ex. That one could throw anybody for a loop. (If by “a loop”, I mean ” a crisis of confidence and self-identity.” And as luck would have it, that IS what I mean.)

Anyways, I believe the ex found out about us and decided to creep back into his life. Girls are weird that way. When they see that someone is kinda no longer interested in you and has someone else, they need to get that person back to focusing on them.

Yep. Boys are weird that way, too. I think the translation of this behavior goes something like, “Hey look, when I said I didn’t want to be with YOU, that wasn’t an open invitation for you not to want to be with ME!!”

He did tell me that she was a very jealous person. Me, I’m the total opposite of her. I do not fight for a man, am not jealous (not excessively) and will give you space.

Well, since fighting for someone works, oh, let’s say zero percent of the time, I’ll say you’re fine there.

It’s been 2 weeks now and we have spoken 3 times on the phone. He called me one day, I said I would call him back, my friends said don’t so I didn’t after I told him I would. HATE HEAD GAMES!

——

Dear Confused & Cautious,

Ok, here’s my take. I can’t say for sure whether or not he’s “over” her. We all just move onto the next one, and we change, and we shift, and we become someone different, and our life changes with us, and all is fine. By the time we meet someone new, we’re not really even the same person we were when we were in that last relationship anymore.

BUT…what happens when he steps back into that world where all the people only know him as THAT guy, the former guy, the guy he was then. They talk to him like he’s the same, look at him in the same way. But then there YOU are in the mix. Weird for them, probably. And confusing for him too. “Wait a minute…am I doing something wrong here? Why is this stirring me up? What’s going on? Am I THAT guy, or am I THIS guy? I wonder if this Bigfoot special is one I’ve already seen, or–”

Ok, some of that might just be me.

DOES THIS MEAN HE’S NOT OVER HER?

Well, he did ask you how long it took you to get over YOUR ex. This tells me that he wants to be over her, but he’s also not sure that he is. And that’s likely it. He’s not sure. He’s confused that when he saw you and his ex’s family at the same time, it stirred the pot in weird, emotional ways. Sounds like it freaked him out. Sounds like he had thought he was over her, but now is wondering if he was wrong.

There’s nothing wrong with that old pot getting stirred, in and of itself. I’ve got any number of exes toward whom I can feel very nostalgic under the right circumstances. Doesn’t mean I would even CONSIDER getting back together with them if they begged (which they strangely never do. Can’t imagine how. I mean, check me out. I’m delightful!!) Sometimes it just means you’re a little nostalgic for a person you used to be.

WATCH THE LEG!

This kind of re-stir reminds me of when a buddy of mine broke his leg pretty badly playing soccer in high school. He never played again. Not because the leg didn’t heal, but because he was concerned that when he would have to rely upon it, he’d hesitate. So he decided not to play anymore. (And I’m not judging him — I decided not to play soccer even without the broken leg. It was probably due to my total lack of athletic ability, but still…) I think what he might be experiencing is a little anxiety about putting his full weight on that broken heart. Especially in that full-speed scenario, seeing his exes family. He isn’t sure he can hack it.

WHAT TO DO?

Ok, I think you’re right about the games. Forget ‘em. Either he’s ready for you or he’s not. You’re not going to screw it up — nor are you going to make it happen. This one’s all on him. All you have to do is to be straight with him, honest, and real. Here are a few quick tips.

• NO ULTIMATUMS: This is always good advice, and in this situation it’s the least you can do. His biggest problem right now is that he feels like everyone’s eyes are on him, trying to see whether or not he’s over his ex. Don’t be two of those eyes. If you tell him, “Listen, I need a commitment or I need to be done here,” He will have to choose B.
• GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO WORK IT OUT: Does that mean you have to “wait around” for him? No, of course not. But whatever you do, this is going to take as long as it’s going to take. So let it happen in its own time.
• LET HIM KNOW YOU AREN’T JUDGING HIM: This will really help him be open to you. If he thinks that you’re impatient, annoyed by his inability to get over her, or whatever, it will only make it harder for him to be around you. And for you to be around him.
• ACTUALLY DON’T JUDGE HIM: This isn’t something he’s doing on purpose. He’s not messing you about. There are such guys, but he doesn’t sound like one of them. Again, doesn’t mean you have to stick around if you don’t want to. I’m just saying that this isn’t him being a jerk.
• FORGET ABOUT THE EX: Nothing you can do about her. You’re not in competition with her anyway. This fight is between him and him. He’s trying to figure out where HE is.

Sounds like he’s trying to keep contact with YOU. It would be VERY easy for him to just disappear. But he didn’t. Why not? Doesn’t sound like he’s doing the whole “leaning on you because he still wants to be with her.” Sounds like he likes you, but is trying to work out where he’s at emotionally. Will it work out? No way to tell. All you can do is to be honest with him where YOU are, and accepting of where HE is, even if that means that you two aren’t meant to be. If you can stay that open to him, it will allow him to work this through without feeling like he’s got to dump you forever in order to do it.

Good luck, C&C. Not easy to bat clean-up after someone else has already done a number on somebody. But I’m living proof that there is life after heartbreak.

What do you think, manslatees? Is this guy worth the time, or no?