What if She Sleeps With Him After She First Said “No”?
We’ve got a twist on the “how soon are we allowed to do it?” conundrum. What happens if you actually tell him that you don’t want to rush things physically, but you’re pretty sure you’re gonna sleep together the next time you see him? Will he take offense? Think you’re a liar? A tramp? Or maybe a hussy? (Nobody uses that word anymore. And I think it’s a damn shame, since I see so many hussies around all the time. Ruffians and Fops as well. Ah, too bad.)
Let’s see what we can do here. Angie writes:
I just discovered your website today, and omg…i have never laughed so much or actually felt like i’ve recieved such a good insight into the male brain in a loooong time. Love it, love you! Ok, my questions are simple and probably stupid but here goes: I been talking to this guy for about 2 wks now, and we had an amazing first date (dinner, bowling, movie) he never said or did anything that made me feel uncomfortable or try and get into my pants. A chaste kiss goodnight and then he asked me out again the next day…our 2nd date is in 2 days and i’m excited, but now i’m scared. First: In the past 2 days we have engaged in some pretty “interesting and fun” *wink wink* chat online, and even though i have been upfront and told him i’m not wanting to rush physical intimacy and he says neither is he and he understands. I can’t help but think that well….after the talks we had, he may on this 2nd date, and well….i’ve always been the type that if it feels good, then do it….so what if i’ve said no, but i give in (because i want to) and sleep with him? How will he react to this, will he think i’m easy or a liar etc? Also, i’m worried now that i’ve made him mad. We were chatting online and i’ve been having some problems job wise and well, i was venting a bit and got a bit snappy when he suggested something to help and i wasn’t really mad at him, just the situation, so i said sorry and tried to defuse things with jokes, and he seemed to be ok but then he quickly said he had to go and logged off. Now i’m worried i’ve scared him off and he thinks i’m an angry psycho and i won’t see him for a 2nd date or ever again. Am i just blow things out of proportion? I know i probably am but i dunno….a bad track record in love/dating makes one very jumpy and nervous even if things seem to be going well…..Help!
Dear Angie,
Ok, I think this one falls under the “take a deep breath and relax” category. It’s new, it’s fun, and you’re sure that if you make one false move, you’re going to totally screw the pooch and it’s all over. (MANSLATOR’S NOTE: That’s just a figure of speech. No pooches were harmed in the writing of that metaphor.)
WILL HE THINK I’M EASY IF WE, YOU KNOW, DO IT?
Ok. Ready for the answer? No. No. And also, no.
BUT WHAT IF I SAID—
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll let you in on a little secret. When you tell a guy you “don’t want to rush the physical,” to tell you the truth, we’re not really listening that hard. I’m not saying we think you’re lying exactly. But we’re pretty sure that what you REALLY mean is, “I’m not just going to sleep with you if we’re not dating.” Which leads me to a term that a womanizer pal of mine uses in such situations.
INTERVIEW WITH A WOMANIZER: THE “SLUT BUTTON”
My friend’s theory is that every woman he…womanized with….had to convince herself that she had convinced HIM that she wasn’t a slut before she’d do it. As in, she had to put up some token resistance along the lines of, “I’m not the kind of girl who just jumps into bed, ok?” And as a womanizer, it was his job not to trigger this “slut button” by doing anything that would make her feel that she had done something wrong.
Now, that’s what a womanizer does. He knows this flimsy defense system has to be dealt with, so he’s patient, and he sticks around until you let him through.
But what about nice guys? Yep, even nice guys (at least SMART nice guys) know about this too. We know that most women want to put up some sort of a perimeter around the vajayjay that will keep her from being considered a ho. And we ALSO know that this perimeter was meant to be crossed — when YOU are ready.
Trust me, whenever you decide to take down the barbed wire, he’ll be well prepared for an invitation into the…I can’t think of a term that doesn’t sound filthy. Can’t say “foxhole.” That’s terrible. “Bunker”? Or “pillbox”? Nah, makes you sound like your crotch is made of concrete. (MANSLATOR’S NOTE: I am NOT trying to offend any readers whose crotches are made of concrete. But, ah, good luck with that, ok?)
Look, the point is that when your conversation sounded like this:
YOU: I don’t want to rush the physical stuff.
HIM: Me too.
What he thought was happening was:
YOU: I’m not a slut.
HIM: Ok, no problem. I’m happy to wait until you turn off the alarm system.
WHAT HE DOES NOT THINK
He’s not thinking that you’re walking around with a chastity belt and are never, ever going to sleep with him. If you have sex with him when you want to, he’s not going to think less of you. (Some women disagree, using the example of the many men who have sex and then disappear right after. I contend that if they bail after sex, it’s only because that’s all they were there to get in the first place.)
And don’t worry about the other thing — where you were a little snippy with him. This always happens when 2 people are first dating. We all always think we’ve blown it because our minds run away with us. In fact, I’m betting that after that online session, he was worried that HE had blown it. Don’t worry about it.
Good luck, Angie! Chill out. Do what ye will. He’ll either respect you in the morning, or else he already didn’t the night before. (In which case, er, who needs him?)
What do you say, miladies? Will he think she’s easy? A liar? A strumpet? A woman of easy virtue? A lady of the evening?
Posted: February 27th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time February 27, 2008 at 7:51 am
I’d be focusing more on the reasons you decided you DIDN’T want to sleep with someone right away. Because they’d disappear? Because they would turn out not to be the guy you thought (hoped?) he be? Because you decided shortly afterward you didn’t really like him and now wished you hadn’t taken the intimate step? In short, if you been disappointed a number of times by sleeping with someone you didn’t know very well, isn’t that why you decided to start taking some extra time before jumping into bed? What makes this guy different? You’re already worrying he’s bailing on you because you were a little snippy on line. What does that tell you?
Anyway, I suppose you have already had contact with him, or not in the time before Jeff printed this. What happened?
Comment from Selena
Time February 27, 2008 at 9:59 am
Many years ago a girlfriend and I were discussing the concept of sleeping with a guy “too soon”. In the course of this discussion I asked her if she had ever slept with someone and later wished she hadn’t. I had, and referred to these guys as “cringers”–that is, on the rare occasions I thought about them I mentally cringed. “Why was I intimate with that person? What was I thinking?!!!”
If you ever been disappointed after you slept with someone–they disappeared, they came on hot, then ran cold, turned out to be players, jerks, had bad habits you couldn’t put up with, had values greatly disparate to your own, had bad personalities, no personality, or simply bored your socks off–there is probably one common denominator–You Slept With Them Without Knowing Them Very Well. If you had taken a bit more time to get to know them better, you may well have not made that decision and avoided disappointment. You may not have found yourself wanting to paint over that particular notch on your own bedpost.
I agree that sleeping with a man is not going to cause him to disrespect you, and that if he is really interested in you (as opposed to just interested in having sex with you) sleeping with him right away is not going to make a difference. But are you going to KNOW he’s that kind of guy on the second date?
Personally, I wouldn’t wait for months to sleep with someone I’m attracted to. I want to know if we are compatible in that area fairly early on. But I think it is worth it to spend an appreciable amount of time with someone IN PERSON (not just emails, Im’s, and phone) to get a sense of who they are and what you might expect if you go with them to the physical level.
Remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine determines if a potential lover is “Sponge Worthy?” Sort of like that.
Comment from LIsa
Time February 27, 2008 at 10:08 am
OMG!!! That was great…. I’m exhausted from laughing. What you wrote was a masterpiece. I come and read your quips daily for insightful information into the male mind and quite honestly a laugh.
You are far under paid (whatever your paid, damn it, it’s just not enough!!!)
The slut button…… Interview with a womanizer….. Good Stuff…..
Personally, I think if it turns out to be a one timer and he’s gone……if the sex was great…….say an AMEN for that and move on. Personally, I turn off all emotions after I let a guy in (sorry if that sounds too tacky), expecting him to bolt, it keeps me from feeling used and if he does come back for more (not just sex, but more of me as a whole) then I re-engage those emotions and take it a day/night at a time.
I think it’s great too that you are open enough to snip and apologize so early. I think sometimes (and I have been guilty of this too many times) that if I act sad, bummed, mad, when I first meet someone that it will run them off. Like I’m not supposed to have any emotions and be a Stepford Wife or something like that.
Now-a-days, if I meet someone, I’m open, honest and if I’m pissed off or in a bad mood, or even sad, I’m not going to hide it for fear that they will run. If they can’t handle that I too have feelings……then I don’t need them.
That’s just me though!!!
Good luck and hope you had or have a great time!!!
Comment from LIsa
Time February 27, 2008 at 10:12 am
Oh! Yeah, and I’m still laughing about “screw the pooch”!!!
Comment from KL
Time February 27, 2008 at 11:13 am
I like the advice that Jeff gives in other Manslations applied here:
Forget about “him” for a moment. What do YOU want? And what do you feel comfortable with?
It doesn’t matter if HE thinks you are a slut. The real issue here is what you think of yourself.
If YOU want to have sex, than have sex. If he is going to stick around, he’s going to stick around regardless of whether you have sex now or later.
If he’s going to bolt, he’s going to bolt – regardless of when you have sex, so you might as well get some sex out of it…
That being said, there is that gene or whatever that we women have (the “slut button”)…so I solve this dilemma by only having “early” sex with people I am pretty sure I am not interested in pursuing a relationship with, but I really want to have sex with. So I’m fine if I never hear from them again, because I don’t expect to, nor do I really want to.
This is key: Never have sex with someone that you both don’t want a relationship with and don’t want to have sex with.
If I really like someone, I wait. I suppose it is partly because of the “slut button” (can’t be helped) but also partly because getting to know someone, that build up of both closeness and sexual tension over time make the sex so much better when it finally happens. “Early” sex can be fun, but it is usually just “good”. It is rarely “great”. And that’s what I’m holding out for.
Comment from mar
Time February 27, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Jeff and everyone else
I didn’t wish to comment on this one, but… on second reflection, this whole idea of the slut button is really a bad thing. And we, women, would be better off without.
Sex has to be for the right reasons for everyone, and when it’s right for them. Why this concern about what others will think? If they think of women who have sex early as “sluts” isn’t that their problem? What self-respecting woman will stay with a man who will think of her as a slut if they have sex too early? Isn’t sex for us to enjoy too? Isn’t sex for us a strong drive too?
As women, I wish we all would stand against this idea, even if we are in reasonable disagreement about when to have sex. Because it’s just a matter of individual decision, and each have to decide for himself. And women too. And what others think is their problem.
Peace and good luck to all
Mar
Comment from Selena
Time February 27, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Do adults really think in terms of “slut button”? I don’t know of any who’ve held someone in disregard because they felt the person slept with them “too early”. (Whatever that means).
It would seem though, that some people are bothered by “the number” someone else has. Perhaps that goes back to the old high school mentality of ’slut’.
Comment from anonymouse
Time February 27, 2008 at 2:11 pm
The way I see it, if a man is going to judge me for something he is, in fact, participating in, that tells me a lot about him and his sexual maturity. I’ve had early sex with lots of follow-up and waited with no post coital follow-up. If you feel like it, take precautions and do it. Don’t allow yourself to be labeled a slut (out loud or to yourself) because you are a human being with passion and desire.
Comment from C&C
Time February 27, 2008 at 4:35 pm
OK, I can’t stop laughing!!!! These are great!!!
“Screw the pooch”
I almost fell off my chair with this paragaph:
“I can’t think of a term that doesn’t sound filthy. Can’t say “foxhole.” That’s terrible. “Bunker”? Or “pillbox”? Nah, makes you sound like your crotch is made of concrete. (MANSLATOR’S NOTE: I am NOT trying to offend any readers whose crotches are made of concrete. But, ah, good luck with that, ok?)
You are so clever. Love it!!!!!
As far as feeling like a slut, don’t. If the sex was good and he comes back, excellent. If the sex was good and he doesn’t come back, his loss. But then again, the sex could be bad and he still comes back, that would really suck. Just take one day at a time and enjoy yourself. Use a condom 
Comment from tee
Time February 27, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Just don’t to be too drunk or high when you decide whether or not to have sex… Think of it this way… if I would do it without drinking/drugs then just do it… this will avoid morning after regrets.
Comment from hunter
Time March 2, 2008 at 11:17 am
to jeff,
….men know that the “snippy” thing continues, on and on, mostly embarassing us in public, in front of friends, etc…my prediction is, he may penetrate, and never see her again………
Comment from mar
Time February 27, 2008 at 7:42 am
Jeff, I’m sooo with you on this one.
Angie: it’s never too early for them!
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