manslations

Happy Leap Year, ladies. In celebration of this uncommon event, I bring you a very common problem. You hear this complaint a lot — men who can’t or won’t open up about their emotions. Today, a reader calling herself “Clueless” wants to know — what can she do when he badly WANTS to open up? Read on to find out.

Hi Jeff,

It’s been great reading your manslations! Learnt lots from them!! Today, I’m writing in because I have no idea how to approach this… Here goes…

I’ve been in a relationship for about more than half a year now. All along, there has been a recurring problem. My bf’s a very shy person in that he has difficulty opening up to me. Now, he’s quite an extrovert when dealing with friends and strangers, but when it comes to opening up in a relationship, it is a different story.

He likes to hear stories and things about other people but when it comes to sharing about his own life, he feels very apprehensive. He also feels that as he grows older, his views just become more radical compared to majority, making him feel shy to share them.

At the same time, he grew up making decisions by himself without having to consult or report to his parents, which he feels has created difficulties for him in working in a committee or with others. Sometimes, he feels that he’s just a robot with some emotions and no social skills at all, with the exception of social skills learnt from observation or by receiving it.

I did let him know how I feel about it, i.e. that its difficult for me to get to know him more. He explained that its not that he doesn’t want to tell me. He very much wants to tell me. However, sharing so much detail about himself is just so new and unknown to him that he don’t know how to proceed. In fact, sometimes he feels so overwhelmed when he hears himself talk. He feels very shy and uncomfortable too.

I very much wish he could open up slowly to me, but I don’t know how to go about doing it without making him feel like I’m hounding him about it.

Jeff, any suggestions as to how to go about getting him to feel more comfortable opening up to me gradually? I am out of ideas!! I really want to get to know him more, for communication to be two-way rather than one-way…

Thanks a million!!!

Dear Clueless,

First of all, you’re very sweet, thoughtful and kind to ask this question. And I’m not just saying that because you complimented the site (though it never hurts.) For some men it’s not so easy to let their innards come outside. Emotionally, I’m saying. It’s not easy for ANY man to let his actual innards come out. And he probably just should leave them inside where they’re comfy. (And if THOSE innards are on the outside, honestly, he’s probably better off dealing with that one directly before he tackles his emotional issues. And maybe stop by a hospital.)

So, he’s an extrovert in less intimate settings, but with you he feels restricted. Don’t worry — this is not so uncommon. For a lot of guys, it’s easier to be open and relaxed with a group of people than with the one person who is closest to him (says the standup comedian.) And if he grew up making his own decisions without too much parental involvement, yeah, that can make him feel even more likely to want to keep any sense of vulnerability pretty close to the vest, and can make it difficult to work with others (says the solo performer who grew up making his own decisions without too much parental involvement.)

But what happens when he’s tired of this? When he wants to let you know who he is and what he’s about, but doesn’t know how? Great question. And it’s going to take some time for him to unravel it. But here are a couple of thoughts for you as you stand by him through this.

• REMEMBER — THIS IS FOR HIM: While his emotional openness might benefit you, remember that this is about what HE gets out of this.
• LET HIM KNOW YOU WANT WHAT HE WANTS: Just as there are plenty of women out there who want their man to open up emotionally for their own weird, selfish reasons, there are probably even more MEN out there who think that’s why the women want this. For many, many men, “vulnerability” smells a lot like weakness — i..e leaving yourself open for attack. Make sure he understands that all you want is for the two of you to get closer, and for him to trust you.
• NO JUDGEY-JUDGEY: The thing about my sweet lady fair that makes it so easy for me to open up to her is a.) I’m the most awesome man alive, but also (and this next part is in the world of, you know, “reality”) b.) she makes it very clear to me at all times that she just wants all of me just as I am. If your guy is concerned that whatever’s in him is “unacceptable,” don’t give him any real-world reasons to think he’s right.
• DON’T HOVER & POUNCE: Since this topic is on the table, he might be concerned that you have now put out a tri-state APB for any emotional openness, and are going to leap all over it anytime you see it. The idea is that even though it’s a big deal to him, let him see how easily you can take it in stride, without making him feel like you’re patronizing him or getting more excited about it than he is. Just let it happen, and show him that nothing earth shattering happens if he opens up a little. (Unless, of course, he sets off a nuclear weapon on a fault-line every time he opens up. In which case, again, he should probably deal with that before concerning himself with his emotional issues.)
• NEVER, NEVER USE THIS AGAINST HIM: Should go without saying, but if you want a man (or anybody) to open up to you, don’t misuse whatever comes out when he does.
• REMEMBER – THIS IS UP TO HIM: He’s going to have to do this himself. It’s sweet that you want to help, but just remember that that’s all you can do — help. You can’t set the pace, you can’t make him do it. All you can do is let him know you’re on his team 100% no matter what.

Good luck, Clueless. Sounds like he’s got quite a task ahead of him. He might find therapy or some other outside influence to be helpful, but who knows? Everybody finds their own way in their own way. The best you can do is what you’re doing — trying to help. And letting him know you’re on his team.

How do you help a man open up, ladies o’ mine?