Comments on: When He Wants to Open Up…But Can’t? http://manslations.com/2008/02/29/when-he-has-problems-opening-up/ Advice for smart women who are tired of feeling so stupid about men. Fri, 04 May 2012 06:11:21 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: hunter http://manslations.com/2008/02/29/when-he-has-problems-opening-up/comment-page-1/#comment-3892 hunter Sun, 02 Mar 2008 09:06:39 +0000 http://manslations.com/?p=218#comment-3892 to mmagnolia, ...only another woman can decipher your extra long post.... to mmagnolia,

…only another woman can decipher your extra long post….

]]> By: mmagnolia http://manslations.com/2008/02/29/when-he-has-problems-opening-up/comment-page-1/#comment-3891 mmagnolia Sun, 02 Mar 2008 04:38:29 +0000 http://manslations.com/?p=218#comment-3891 A day late, but: Perfect path, JM, is your own 'lady's' point that "she just wants all of (you) just as (you) are". Nothing much2 add: [1] Resolution can't be 2out-of-reach because Ms. Clueless knows Mr. Diffident long enough for their hearts [bodies?] to be aligned, and he says he wants to share [unclear if he's talking emotions or events]. He isn't taciturn! given his sociable exchanges with other folks. [2] When we don't have traits or vitues we want to have, quickest option is to act as if we already embody such traits [e.g., wanting 2B kind, act kindly; wanting 2B extroverted, act as if extroverted---both Bible & Bard said so 1st]. [3] If Dee's tone is dulcet, Cee could stroke on that; if he says his voice isn't, she can give him pointers! [BTW: On his "radical" views--whatever that means, would Ms. Cee agree with him that they're "radical"?] [4] IF he's sincere about wanting to share, she could ask 'man-type' outcome/event questions to get answers which she could followup with woman-type feeling/opinion questions. Unless his yes-yes on the lips is coupled with a no-no in his heart, this can be like falling off a rock. [5] If he's able to put on dog&pony 4other folks, surely, he will 'perform' for you2, Ms. C! If he's trueblue, he's worth waitful work; sooo, get ready 2Enjoy! A day late, but: Perfect path, JM, is your own ‘lady’s’ point that “she just wants all of (you) just as (you) are”. Nothing much2 add: [1] Resolution can’t be 2out-of-reach because Ms. Clueless knows Mr. Diffident long enough for their hearts [bodies?] to be aligned, and he says he wants to share [unclear if he's talking emotions or events]. He isn’t taciturn! given his sociable exchanges with other folks. [2] When we don’t have traits or vitues we want to have, quickest option is to act as if we already embody such traits [e.g., wanting 2B kind, act kindly; wanting 2B extroverted, act as if extroverted---both Bible & Bard said so 1st]. [3] If Dee’s tone is dulcet, Cee could stroke on that; if he says his voice isn’t, she can give him pointers! [BTW: On his "radical" views--whatever that means, would Ms. Cee agree with him that they're "radical"?] [4] IF he’s sincere about wanting to share, she could ask ‘man-type’ outcome/event questions to get answers which she could followup with woman-type feeling/opinion questions. Unless his yes-yes on the lips is coupled with a no-no in his heart, this can be like falling off a rock. [5] If he’s able to put on dog&pony 4other folks, surely, he will ‘perform’ for you2, Ms. C! If he’s trueblue, he’s worth waitful work; sooo, get ready 2Enjoy!

]]> By: hunter http://manslations.com/2008/02/29/when-he-has-problems-opening-up/comment-page-1/#comment-3890 hunter Sat, 01 Mar 2008 23:54:33 +0000 http://manslations.com/?p=218#comment-3890 To clueless, ..myself and a million other guys, would like to know what we need to say, to 'open up"...... To clueless,

..myself and a million other guys, would like to know what we need to say, to ‘open up”……

]]> By: Annie http://manslations.com/2008/02/29/when-he-has-problems-opening-up/comment-page-1/#comment-3889 Annie Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:32:47 +0000 http://manslations.com/?p=218#comment-3889 Jeff, I'm a recent visitor to your site....Great advice! I would just make one amendment to today. I was in relationship with someone similar and I found that I could talk for hours straight (without breathing) about any topic at hand, but for him a shallow one-liner would do. So I would suggest, don't hover, but do pounce...meaning that when he does begin to open up don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't bombard the man but he may not feel comfortable giving a monologue about his life. Maybe he will feel more comfortable answering questions. So instead of announcing a general topic, "Your Childhood...go!", maybe ask some more pointed questions should the topic come up..."What was your Dad like? Were you a troublemaker?" etc. Since he's slow to open up, maybe start with just one question like that and work your way up. Good luck :) Jeff, I’m a recent visitor to your site….Great advice!

I would just make one amendment to today. I was in relationship with someone similar and I found that I could talk for hours straight (without breathing) about any topic at hand, but for him a shallow one-liner would do.

So I would suggest, don’t hover, but do pounce…meaning that when he does begin to open up don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t bombard the man but he may not feel comfortable giving a monologue about his life. Maybe he will feel more comfortable answering questions. So instead of announcing a general topic, “Your Childhood…go!”, maybe ask some more pointed questions should the topic come up…”What was your Dad like? Were you a troublemaker?” etc. Since he’s slow to open up, maybe start with just one question like that and work your way up.

Good luck :)

]]> By: mar http://manslations.com/2008/02/29/when-he-has-problems-opening-up/comment-page-1/#comment-3888 mar Fri, 29 Feb 2008 13:08:28 +0000 http://manslations.com/?p=218#comment-3888 Hi everyone I agree with Grace in that if it is him who is saying that he very much wants to open up, then that's a really good start. It might be difficult for him, for many reasons, but the fact that he wants to do it is excellent. What follows is just some speculation, I don't know this person, so this should be understood only as some possible explanation of what is going on. He appears to be very introvert, by which I mean somebody who has a lot going on inside himself, rather than outside himself. That is, somebody who has a lot of an inner life. He also appears to be somebody with a strong personality: by which I mean he is a person with views of his own. I think it is very difficult for people like this (introvert and with strong personality) to share what's inside them because they are afraid nobody outside them can understand them. They are afraid that they may be perceived as weird, and in cases that they will be made fun of. The good news is that this may not be the case: that they may find people who can understand them, if they do share. But of course, their fear prevents them from trying. I understand why Clueless finds this frustrating, and I think this speaks volumes of her affection. I think there isn't an awful lot she can do. I agree with Jeff that this has to be up to him. I think if he wants to share, he will eventually do. I think Jeff's advice is very good. Especially: no judgey-judgey, and never misuse the info that he has chosen to share. In theory, if he starts sharing and realize it is safe to do so, he will be capable to share more and things should slowly improve. Good luck Clueless Mar Hi everyone

I agree with Grace in that if it is him who is saying that he very much wants to open up, then that’s a really good start.

It might be difficult for him, for many reasons, but the fact that he wants to do it is excellent.

What follows is just some speculation, I don’t know this person, so this should be understood only as some possible explanation of what is going on.

He appears to be very introvert, by which I mean somebody who has a lot going on inside himself, rather than outside himself. That is, somebody who has a lot of an inner life.

He also appears to be somebody with a strong personality: by which I mean he is a person with views of his own.

I think it is very difficult for people like this (introvert and with strong personality) to share what’s inside them because they are afraid nobody outside them can understand them. They are afraid that they may be perceived as weird, and in cases that they will be made fun of. The good news is that this may not be the case: that they may find people who can understand them, if they do share. But of course, their fear prevents them from trying.

I understand why Clueless finds this frustrating, and I think this speaks volumes of her affection. I think there isn’t an awful lot she can do. I agree with Jeff that this has to be up to him. I think if he wants to share, he will eventually do. I think Jeff’s advice is very good. Especially: no judgey-judgey, and never misuse the info that he has chosen to share.

In theory, if he starts sharing and realize it is safe to do so, he will be capable to share more and things should slowly improve.

Good luck Clueless

Mar

]]> By: Grace http://manslations.com/2008/02/29/when-he-has-problems-opening-up/comment-page-1/#comment-3887 Grace Fri, 29 Feb 2008 12:40:42 +0000 http://manslations.com/?p=218#comment-3887 If this had been who he is, just the fact that he is trying to open up when he is with you, show that he trusts you. I think this is pretty much a good start. If this had been who he is, just the fact that he is trying to open up when he is with you, show that he trusts you. I think this is pretty much a good start.

]]> By: Selena http://manslations.com/2008/02/29/when-he-has-problems-opening-up/comment-page-1/#comment-3886 Selena Fri, 29 Feb 2008 12:34:52 +0000 http://manslations.com/?p=218#comment-3886 I don't know that there is anything you can DO to get someone to open up when that just isn't their personality. I think you might be better off accepting that your guy is the way he is, and deciding how important it is to YOU to have a more communicative partner. Can you be comfortable with him just the way he is? Accept that you will get to know him over time basically through shared experiences and through little drips and dabs of his thoughts and feelings as he shares them with you? If HE really wants to become more open then obviously he's going to have to make the effort to do that. But if he's saying this primarily for your benefit, I think you'd be wise to consider how well matched you are to the "Strong, Silent Type". I don’t know that there is anything you can DO to get someone to open up when that just isn’t their personality. I think you might be better off accepting that your guy is the way he is, and deciding how important it is to YOU to have a more communicative partner. Can you be comfortable with him just the way he is? Accept that you will get to know him over time basically through shared experiences and through little drips and dabs of his thoughts and feelings as he shares them with you?

If HE really wants to become more open then obviously he’s going to have to make the effort to do that. But if he’s saying this primarily for your benefit, I think you’d be wise to consider how well matched you are to the “Strong, Silent Type”.

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