manslations

It’s our old pal, Shelby, back for another round. Her guy has finally moved to be closer to her, he’s stressed, he’s under a lot of pressure at work, and he’s pulled WAY back from her. What the dilly, yo? (MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Apologies for the lingo — working on my “street cred.” How’s it coming, do you think? Wait, don’t answer that.)

Let’s see if we can crack through the cement cocoon that Shelby’s man has put up. She writes:

Dear Jeff,
I try to make it a point to always discuss relationship situations directly with my boyfriend but this time I’m getting way under zero freakin’ response…and in the interest of keeping the BEST, MOST FULFILLING relationship I’ve ever had intact, this is where you come in! I have written to you before and since your advice is worth it’s weight in gold (wait a minute, how much does advice weigh…) anyway, I need another manslation.

After almost a year of “blissful” dating, my boyfriend transferred to my town (he lived 2 1/2 hrs. away, before.) His position is the same; actually a little better at work but it’s still a major change, nonetheless. And the transfer came a little sooner than he’d expected. And of course he misses his pals at his old location, as well as his friends and bandmates he used to see often. This makes for a big change as well, as he plays in several bands and probably misses his weekly practices with them. Music is very important to him. He was supposed to just move in for a few weeks at best and then find his own place. This would have worked well for me too, as I have a child and I don’t want her growing up thinking that it’s an okay thing to just “live with a man.” It’s just my personal values. I didn’t want to pressure him to move out because I know finances are a little tight right now. Besides, I really enjoy the present situation! For the most part…and herein squats the toad… He’s been very distant lately. He’s “acting” normal…there’s just something different. I tried chalking it up to the following:

–He confided in my daughter (whom can’t keep a secret even if to save MY life) that he planned on proposing to me and I found out about it; it’s all so sweet but a different story entirely.
–He just transferred his entire life to a new town in which he knows barely anyone.
–He misses his old bandmates, friends and co-workers he’s spent the last 3 years of his life with.
–Finances.
–He has a 1 1/2 hour commute to and from work every day. Gas prices are going to be the death of us all.
–His work just gave him somewhat of a promotion in allowing him a slightly different position and remote access so he will be able to save that commute. But in the mean time, he’s under the gun to clean-up current inventory.

All this is big stress stuff, right? Plus, even though he was driving down and staying with me every weekend for the past year (or I with him), actually living together is a completely different situation and will take some time to fall into the “groove” of things.

I don’t want to nag or drive him crazy by questioning him, but I can’t help but be concerned about the change in his personality. This move was NOT a spontaneous one on his part; he gave it quite a bit of thought. I hope he isn’t having second thoughts! After all, he confided in my daughter his plans of proposing to me AFTER he moved in. My question is this: How do I approach the situation regarding the distance? How can I ease his stress and make him comfortable? Also, I’m sure lots of other woman would LOVE any tips you have on how to make living with someone better from a man’s point of view! I mean, aside from feeding him well and giving him his space and football!

Dear Shelby,

First of all, “herein squats the toad” is a new one by me, but I swear before Zeus that I’m going to use it. And I’m hoping it’s in a situation in which it’s mildly inappropriate. I’ll let you know… And secondly, thanks so much for the bullet points! I do love good bullet points. Lord help me, I do love them so. Ahem, where was I? Oh right, manslations, website, helping, helping. Right, right.
Ok, here’s the thing — good for you for not freaking. Last thing you want to do in this situation is freak out. Why, you might ask? Don’t worry — I’m-a ‘splain it.

MALE DISTANCE EXPLAINED or “I’LL BE BACK WHEN I’VE CLEANED UP THIS MESS” SYNDROME

My guess here is that your guy suffers from a very, very common male condition wherein we feel like we’ve got to have all our problems all sewn up before we can fully relax. We sometimes feel like any problems, issues, emotional freakouts, un-dealt-with stressors, and the like will remove us from the category of “bad ass dudes who can handle our business” and will ultimately land us squarely in the category of “whiney jackasses who couldn’t take down a woolly mammoth to save their cave.”

Take your guy…please! Oh hoho! Ha ha ha! Oh, me.

But seriously, take this example. He’s all twisted up inside. He’s not SETTLED. All of his stuff  is still in boxes, piled up in the middle of the floor(emotionally AND literally). He can’t relax because he knows that the stuff is not where it’s going to end up. And suddenly, he’s distant.

In his head, what’s likely happening is that he’s trying to Tetris everything into place before he can relax and be with you. He’s clearly not going anywhere — he told your friggin’ daughter he’s going to propose to you. (Good for her for being unable to keep a secret. I’m so with her on that. Although, to be fair, in my case I COULD keep a secret. It’s just way more fun not to.) But at this moment, he’s feeling like he’s got what “Getting Things Done” guru, David Allen, refers to as “open loops.” Stuff to be done, but not done yet. A lot of it.

HOW TO APPROACH THIS ‘UN SO’S HE DON’T FREAK?

Very carefully. Obviously, part of the problem here is that some dudes don’t feel like they can allow themselves to be fully on display unless they’ve got all of their ducks in a row. (Personally, I don’t have any ducks at all. But that’s just a personal preference. If I had any, I assure you, I’d have those little bastards lined up like you wouldn’t believe.) So it might make him feel even MORE in need of hiding if you start grilling him. (Figuratively, I’m saying. If you literally start grilling him, he’ll be in way too much pain from the charcoal to worry about all of this stress.) But hey — you live there too. So how can you approach this without sending him for the hills? A couple thoughts:

• DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY: You seem to already know this, but just to be clear — he’s WITH you. Really seems like it to me, anyway. The reason he’s doing this is because he wants to be MORE together for you — as in, he doesn’t want to subject you to all of his problems. Doesn’t want to freak you out, or make you feel like he’s not worthy of you just because he’s all twisted up about this stuff.
• LET HIM KNOW YOU’RE IMPRESSED WITH HIM: Look, I hope I’m not reading too far into your message, but it sure seems like you’re impressed with all the stuff he’s got going. So, make sure he knows that. Along with the stuff we’ve already talked about comes a fear that if he shows himself to be vulnerable (see “weak and wimpy”) you’ll feel let down. Let him know that you see him as a total bad ass for handling all of this stuff. This does 2 things: one, it lets him know you’re ok with how he’s handling it all, and two, it lets him know that you SEE all the stuff he’s dealing with, and you’re not expecting it to mean nothing.
• ASK HIM WHAT TO DO: To crack the ice on this one, you might say something along the lines of, “Look, I know you’re buried under a zillion things right now. I just want you to know, I’m on your team with all of this. I know you can handle it all, but I just want to be helpful in whatever way you need me to be. That’s what people who love each other do, right? Obviously moving here is a big shift with all the stuff that goes with it. I get that. I just want you to know that you can trust me on your team.“
• TAKE A TIME-OUT: It might be nice if you could find some time to step outside of all of this for a day or two. If there’s any way that you could get away for a night, it could be a nice chance to reconnect with each other in a setting that has nothing to do with all of the stuff he’s got to do — you know, reality. He likely does NOT know that by closing the door to you, he’s making you feel shut out. He just thinks he’s keeping you and all of his nonsense separate. It might help him to remember that being close to you actually helps if he can, you know, BE close. Might help to get out of the workaday world for a little bit.

Good luck, Shelby. This is a difficult one for a lot of guys. Even guys whose names sound like Schweff Brack. What helps most is to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your lady fair is on your team, no pressure, no worries, no conditions — and that no amount of unfinished business changes that.

What do you think, ladies? How does Shelby help this dude find his way out of the bunker?