He Has Fantasies About Other Women…Is It Normal?
This is one of the first areas misunderstanding about men that I ever heard from women. What if he fantasizes about other women? Is it normal?
Sadly, the answer is “yes” and it’s probably a little bit worse than you think. But it’s also much, much better. Let me see if I can ‘splain this one.
Tina writes:
if your partner has “fantasies” of other women (celebrity, past girlfriends, women in passing, magazines, etc…) while making love to “the” woman he loves so very much…..is this “normal” male behavior, or is society teaching us women that we are to accept this, or our we insecure, or ?????
Should we feel like our partner is being unfaithful ?
I have searched the web and have not found an answer that seems to inform in a direct manner. Perhaps you can give some helpful insite and advise
Dear Tina,
You have stumbled across one of those areas in which, from what I can tell, men and women behave ENTIRELY differently. I’m not sure why we do. There could be some biology in there. Could be society. Unfortunately, you did not write to a “scientist” or a “person who is willing to do research, even for five minutes” so we’re not likely to get the actual reasons. But I can tell you what’s going on.
THE MALE SEXUAL FANTASY or “Ugh, you talk to your mother with that brain??”
Ok, first the bad news. All men fantasize about all women, almost all day long. We just do. It’s not a conscious process. It’s not a considered, calculated, or planned behavior, and it’s never based upon a decision (“Hm. I think I’ll picture her naked.”) We’re not in charge of what the projectionist throws up there on the screen. And sometimes is going to be…not you. In fact, in terms of time spent per person, it will MOSTLY not be you.
Is it normal? It’s more than normal. It is a constant function of the male brain. And all men. If your man does not have sexual fantasies about other women, it’s because there’s been an accident, and in a couple of minutes a doctor is going to come out and talk to you about pulling the plug.
Now for the good news. Male sexual fantasies are meaningless. No, read it again. Meaningless. I guess what I mean when I say “meaningless” is that they are “impersonal.” And this seems to be the part that confuses the genders about each other. For you ladies, it seems that sexual fantasies are often more personal, they have more “content” to them, more story. They actually make sense. For us, it’s…pretty basic. And if it was on TV, it would probably be horrifying. But it doesn’t mean anything to us. To consider that a man is being unfaithful because his brain has other women in it would be like putting someone on suicide-watch because they cried at the end of a sad movie.
HE’S NOT DOING WHAT YOU THINK HE’S DOING
That’s the important thing to realize here. When a man is “having a fantasy” about some celebrity, DO NOT assume that it’s even remotely related to any fantasy that you have ever had about anyone. They are not the same. They’re not even similar. In fact, it’s astonishing that the word “fantasy” even covers both things under one definition. I’m not saying that one is more intense than the other, or that one is better, worse, or whatever. I’m saying that, from all that I am told, they are different.
What’s going on in the male brain during sex? Yeah…better you just never find out, ok? Seriously, it’s crazy up there. A fantasy during sex doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with him wishing he was WITH that woman. It’s just that his brain is going buck wild up there.
And the male definition of fidelity is different from yours, I’d imagine.
WHAT DOES A MAN MEAN BY BEING “FAITHFUL”?
Well, I’ll tell you what it does NOT mean: it doesn’t mean that he’ll never think about having sex with another woman for the rest of his life. No, no, no. What it means is that in spite of the fact that his body forces his brain to show him dirty movies all day long, featuring every woman ever — regardless of all that INVOLUNTARY stuff, he chooses to be with you. Fantasies, for men, are not by choice. Fidelity is.
These fantasies can not hurt you. They tell you NOTHING about this man’s commitment to you. Any man who you have EVER met does this. Cheaters and non-cheaters. The Pope (I’m guessing.) Everybody. All men have these thoughts. They are irrational and as involuntary as sneezing. If a man is going to cheat on you, it’s got nothing to do with this stuff. And if he doesn’t cheat on you, it’s not because he didn’t have these thoughts. Two separate things entirely.
DO YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS?
Not at all. Oh wait — do you want to date men? Oh…well then yeah, kinda. You’re going to have to accept it. And by “accept it” I mean that you are never going to find a man who doesn’t fantasize. Now, that said, you do NOT have to accept him telling you about it. What kind of a moron tells you about this kind of thing? This is one of those areas where a little denial goes a long way. If you know that your man fantasizes about these specific women (ex girlfriends, for example) um….why would he tell you that? He messed up a little, is why. These little moron movies are his business, and since they don’t mean anything, they should REMAIN his business. And you are WELL within your rights as a woman to say, “Hey, listen, whatever happens inside your warped little mind is your business, ok? I’m not crazy about the idea, but I can’t fight biology. But if I ever, ever actually HEAR about it again, oh boy, are you in big friggin’ trouble. In your brain, sure, anything goes. Out here, it’s all about ME, please, ok?”
Good luck, Tina. I know this is a tough one for women to accept. But if you can really take in the idea that even though this is totally unfamiliar and strange to you, it really isn’t a knock to you. It’s just the male brain doing its thing, and probably being far more disgusting than you’re picturing even now after I’ve told you all of this.
What do you say, ladies? Ever met a man who didn’t fantasize about other women? And did you ever get around to buying that bridge he was selling?
Posted: March 5th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from LA Lady
Time March 5, 2008 at 9:49 am
Jeff – this is the clearest most rational explanation of the male mind I have ever read! Cudos to you for stepping outside the process long enough to explain it to us women. Once I grasped the idea that male fantasies were like breathing, a physiologic necessity, the jealousy monster went away and life was great.
To the ladies – Don’t ever make the mistake of asking your man “what are you thinking?”, unless you are prepared for the answer.
Comment from Lori
Time March 5, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I think a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy is definitely in order here.
I mean, I fantasize uncontrollably too. And it’s usually about just lying there while he does all the work in bed. I don’t share that either.
Except here, on the internet, where it’s a secret.
Comment from Susan
Time March 5, 2008 at 8:01 pm
“‘What kind of a moron tells you about this kind of thing?”
That made me laugh out loud…until I read Lori’s comment about just lying there. Then I laughed louder. It reminds me of this book I had heard about, P–rn for Women. The Book Description:
Prepare to enter a fantasy world. A world where clothes get folded just so, delicious dinners await, and flatulence is just not that funny. Give the fairer sex what they really want — beautiful PG photos of hunky men cooking, listening, asking for directions, accompanied by steamy captions: “I love a clean house!” or “As long as I have two legs to walk on, you’ll never take out the trash.” Now this is p-rn that will leave women begging for more!
Hee, hee
(Hey, I have other fantasies, too.)
Comment from hunter
Time March 5, 2008 at 9:03 pm
to Jeff,
….so, men can’t be honest about their fantasies?…..LOL!…
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 5, 2008 at 11:32 pm
JM is possibly 98% on target ,excluding my Dad & my ‘so&so’–haha! Then there’s my 2 longest known [3 decades' worth] male friends; one homosexual & faithfully partnered 4evr and the other heterosexual who fantasizes [shares! to fill my vicarious plates] about every woman this side of the moon–even platonic mmoi! However, my fantasizing friend is faithful in his love [was near last to know he was really being divorced] and with one exception, embraces to the point of being kicked to curbs by women [No-No: he doesn't spill his 'other' life to his sweethearts--that's my earful]. Is it possible that femmes sense his wandering psyche, despite his fervent attentions to them? Sooo, maybe a perceived fantasy can be perceived as faithlessness, regardless love not lost. Golly Gee!
Comment from mar
Time March 6, 2008 at 4:32 am
Hi everyone!
Agreed! They do it, and they don’t need to share that with their partners. (And they are morons when they do it.)
But, what’s the difference between men and women here? I haven’t understood this. Women fantasize with other men too, as far as I can tell. Perhaps they don’t do it with every other men, or perhaps they don’t do it all the time, but… erm… they do it too, and it’s not infidelity. If it’s not infidelity when we do it, why would it be when they do it?
Mar
Comment from Hurting
Time March 12, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Aboslutely agreed.
However WAY easier said than done. My boyfriend has admitted to me that he has masterbated to other girls. My friends. I can’t even look at my friends the same anymore, knowing that for a moment my boyfriend wanted a real good piece of her.
It’s not fair.
And like I said, it’s way easier said than done to get over.
I think guys just need to learn to have some self control- we can do it. Why can’t they?
And testosterone- has never been proven to increase sexual desire. So why must my boyfriend have such a lustful heart?
So hurt.
I have no idea what to do.
Comment from jondh
Time March 20, 2008 at 2:33 am
I’m sorry, I’m a man, and I really have to disagree with this one, even if it puts me in the minority. Do our male minds put these fantasies in our heads? Yes. Are they okay? Absolutely not! Blaming it all on biology is irresponsible.
There is such a thing as self control. Sure, these thoughts come into one’s head out of nowhere, but we don’t have to keep them there. As I heard it once put, “We can’t prevent these thoughts from coming in, but we don’t have to pull up a chair and invite them to stay.” As these thoughts come, replace them with better ones (read: more faithful ones). Since the mind is like any other muscle, it can be trained, and as you do it consistently, you’ll find that these thoughts become more and more scarce if they are consistently replaced.
Is this hard? Like no other! Does it work? Yes it does. Is it worth it? I guess it depends on how committed you are to your wife/girlfriend. If it’s only the actions that matter, I guess not. But if you want to be faithful to your sweetheart in your mind as well, then your commitment will be severely tested.
The point is that women don’t have to settle for men who think it’s okay to fantasize about other women. I feel for the woman whose boyfriend masturbated to other girls. For me, being faithful to my woman means not only physical relations, but also being faithful to her in my mind as well. I’m not perfect, but shooting for perfection is going to get me a lot farther than throwing up my hands in submission
Comment from lynn
Time March 23, 2008 at 10:25 pm
I respect the man above this comment more than anything. You are truly a saint and all men should think this way. Its true,men think they have the “right” to think these things just because they are men. THEY DO NOT! having testosterone does not give you an excuse to be a skeeze ball. A wife/girlfriend/fiance deserves her mans respect whole heartedly,in his heart and his head. Masturbating to her friends and other women is completely disrespectful and wrong and if you ever want to have an amazing loving relationship you need to give respect to recieve it. Sex is a personal act and should be between the two people who are involved. It is not just an act,and should not be used to imagine other women. I dont care that you think that you cant help it. YOU CAN,its mind over matter.Oh and there are some good men left in this world who would tell their wives if they were having these thoughts because they care,and they respect her enough to let her know so that she is not being completely humiliated. It is HUMILIATING to be the subject,when someone is making love to you but thinking of every other girl but the one he is making love to. Im sorry but all you men need an outlet. True love is about being selfless,and loving the one your with,with EVERY inch of your heart and soul. If your not satisfied with your girl,and shes not good enough for you,so much that you need to close your eyes and imagine someone else,pay her the respect of letting her go,and go fuck that other girl.Its better than embarrassing the one you love.
Let me put it this way, girls like sex too,WOW shocker,and we could have sexual fantasies as well…about your best friend,so do yourselves a favor and the next time you go thinking about imagining yourself fucking another women, try imagining your girl imagining fucking your best friend or someone else. Maybe that will make your penis a little less greedy. women have urges to do things too,we just don’t let these things get to us because we have sense and realize what is more important.
Pingback from More Male Fantasies, With a Twist… « Manslations
Time March 28, 2008 at 6:30 am
[...] ask if all men fantasize, and the answer is that yes, yes we do. As I mentioned in this post, fantasies don’t really mean to us what they seem to mean to most women I know. It’s [...]
Comment from strawhat
Time February 13, 2009 at 3:43 pm
this is interesting,i was seeing a man some time ago, we got on better than i ever have with anyone but i dumped him because he would make comments about each and every woman he saw knew or was existing somewhere in the world
the last time he did it i told him i was sick of the crap talk,walked out and never saw him again
how would you be taking someone like that to family parties etc and have him do this about your sisters ,nieces,friends,the thought of it made me ill
Comment from swissmiss_7
Time January 4, 2010 at 10:15 pm
o.k. i guess i get the fantasy thing. but here’s what I don’t get…. How can a man or anyone for that matter, fantasize about another woman while physically making love to his girl and looking into her eyes and at her body?
I can understand maybe during oral sex when a guy closes his eyes and imagines whatever..but how is it possible during the very physical act of sex with someone he loves/cares about? isn’t he focusing on her and pleasing her? isn’t that enough? if I were a man it would be for me! I just don’t get it!!!!
Comment from Ludwig
Time September 17, 2010 at 9:01 am
I feel that this is selling the women a short line. I’m a man with a high libido and do I fantasize ? yes. But while having sex ?? NEVER. I’m too consumed in the process and the sensations and sight that it’s considerably difficult to think about any other thing. If that’s the case with other men, I feel pity for them and their partners.
Comment from Ludi
Time September 17, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Let me add this. The article was written as to say only men do it, and as if men don’t care if their GF/wives do this ….. Well some women do it too, and it will be not annoying but frightening to men to know that, men fear woman’s sexuality more than women would ever care, that’s if women fear a man’s at all
Comment from Selena
Time March 5, 2008 at 7:03 am
There is a huge difference between fantasizing and being unfaithful. One doesn’t ever have to lead to another.
Any person who tells their partner they fantasize about someone else while making love to them is indeed a MORON. If you don’t like hearing these fantasies, tell him to keep them to himself–otherwise he’ll be indulging in them ALONE.