The Emotionally Unavailable Man — Real or Not?
-->Interesting question from LoveLife today — is there such a thing as an “emotionally unavailable” man? I know we hear about it all the time, but is there such a beast?
Hi Jeff,
Congrats on your book progress!
Here’s is a short and sweet inquiry, inspired by a visit to a very popular website based in the UK dealing with emotionally unavailable men: Do you think there is really such a thing as an “emotionally unavailable” man? Isn’t that really just a term developed in our post-feminist culture where women want men to be like women–when that is biologically impossible? Shouldn’t women just let go of the notion of a man who is “in touch with his feelings,” and who is emotionally expressive (verbally, in particular)? I know that all men are different at the individual level, but this is a question about manhood in general.
Lovelife
Dear Lovelife,
Such a great one! I’ve thought about this quite a bit. And the answer is a little yes and a little no…
YOU KEEP SAYIN’ THAT WORD…I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.
So, when you say “emotionally unavailable” what are we talking about, exactly? See, men get nervous with such talk because, I think, of what you mention. This idea that men are considered to be in some way “deficient” because they don’t behave the way that women do, emotionally speaking. (Some women, that is. I’ve certainly met my share of “emotionally unavailable” women as well. And a few who I wish were way more emotionally unavailable…)
But the truth is, for many men, we just don’t get it. And that’s because it’s never defined. What are we even talking about? Emotional availability? What is that? Does it mean:
- …that he cries on cue?
- …that he talks about what he feels about stuff, just because?
- …that he cries while talking about what he feels about stuff?
- …that he shows vulnerability?
Here’s what I’d ask regarding ALL of these — Why? Why should he do any of this? Why does anyone think that he would be happier if he did them? Because I have news for you — he might very well not.
A man who cries? Yeah, not such a big “winner” in our culture. A man who talks about his feelings all day long? That’s annoying to other men (i.e. “Why are we talking about this?”) Showing vulnerability? Again, not such a hit with other dudes. Or women, either.
WHOSE EMOTIONS ARE THEY ANYWAY?
Look, there are plenty of well-meaning people who believe that if a man could talk more about his emotions, he’d be better off. But, and I say this with all due respect, who gives a crap? They’re HIS emotions, right? He gets to do with them whatever he wants. If you want a man who is NOT verbally expressive about his emotions, you are fooling around with forces that are not your biz.
Now, we’re all allowed to decide who we want to spend our time with. And there ARE guys out there who talk about their feelings a whole lot, I’m sure. And if that’s what you want, that’s what you should get. But if you want a guy to express his emotions when he doesn’t WANT to, that’s just being a jerk. Yes, even if you think it would be good for him. Yes, even if you read in a book that your relationship would be better if he did it. As with everything else, you can never, never expect someone to be other than they are. You only get to decide who to be with. You don’t get to decide who he is. What he does is up to him.
I think you’ve got to want to be with someone you want — NOT someone who isn’t what you want…yet. You want to be with someone because you can’t get enough of what they ARE. If you’re with someone because you want him to do something different from that, well, it’s not Barbies. He’s not Ken. He gets to decide what he does.
Besides, you don’t want Ken anyway. Why? No genitals. It’s just smooth down there. Nobody needs that.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Are there emotionally unavailable men? Of course. I don’t care which definition you use, yes, there are men that fit that description. But here’s what I think: The only people who get bent out of shape about this sort of thing are people who have not found the right person yet. When you’re in the right relationship, you don’t want them to do stuff you read in a magazine, right? You just want THEM. You want them to share what THEY want to share. You want to be with THEM. Not some version of them that they could be if only they’d read that book you read.
Thanks for a great question, Lovelife. Here endeth the rant.
What do you think, ladies? Should men become more emotionally available? Or does a man need emotional availability like a fish needs a bicycle?
Posted: March 6th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from Selena
Time March 6, 2008 at 11:14 am
Excellent rant Jeff-loved it. People have a choice in whom they want to be with. When people complain again and again how they wish their partner would be different, I always wonder…So why are you with this person???!!!
Wouldn’t it be better to go out and find someone you DIDN’T want to change?
Comment from mar
Time March 6, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Hi everyone
I will be the first one to disagree, although only to some extent.
The first thing I want to say is that I do not intend to generalise about either men or women, and that I believe that differences exist from individual to individual.
The second thing I want to say is that men have been encouraged and are still encouraged, in some societies, to hide or repress their emotions. This is not to say that men have no emotions or can’t express emotions. Obviously, they do have them and they can express them.
The third thing is that if love is an emotion and a love relationship is an emotional relationship, then for people to be in a love relationship they have to have emotions and they have to be able to express them: in other words, they have to be emotionally available. So, pretty much by definition, for people to be in a love relationship they have to be emotionally available. Otherwise, they just can’t love.
Having said this, people DO differ in how emotionally available they are, and how emotionally available they want to be, and how much of an emotional involvement they want in their lives and in their relationships. And insofar as there is this variation, across individuals, then there will be variation across relationships. Some couples will be more emotionally involved than others. How successful these relationships will be, will probably depend on how the partners are and what they want. Of course, how much emotional involvement there should be in a relationship is for nobody else to decide. But, by definition, there should be some, for otherwise, it is hard to call it a “love relationship.”
But the problem of emotional unavailability should not be trivialized. What the concept of emotional unavailability means is that somebody is not in touch with feelings. And “feelings” here includes his/her own feelings, but also the feelings of others. This is actually regarded as a serious problems by psychologists, for it is likely to jeopardise the life of that person as he or she will not know what he or she feels, and will also not be able to understand how others feel. This can be seen as a handicap for that person, and not only in his/her love life. Being able to relate to your own feelings and to those others is a necessary life skill and it will affect all relationships of any kind: family, friendship, relationships at work, and so on.
So, yeah, there is probably some misuse of the term, and is probably unjustly applied by some women to men as a group. How emotional people are and want to be in their love relationships is up to them. But, emotional unavailability by definition precludes people from understanding their own feelings, understanding the feelings of others, and getting emotionally involved with others. This is so by definition, and it is easy to see how it can be a problem in a love relationship.
Mar
Comment from Rhonda
Time March 6, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I have been reading for some time but have never commented. I have to say, that while reading Jeff’s comments, I was nodding my head affirmatively. I believe the clincher is this: I have to WANT him just the way he is. There is absolutely no changing. Oh, we can change ourselves, but never can we change the other person. We control only ourselves. (This applies to all areas of our lives, not just with our partners.) That partner is who he is , and if I don’t like some of his qualities before commitment, I’m not going to like them after commitment. A wise woman would be careful to determine exactly what she can live with and without before she makes a choice. For those of us who have already made our choices, then we need to remember who we control and who we can change.
Love is an emotion, but it is also an action. We women tend to forget that, also.
Great answer, Jeff.
Comment from Selena
Time March 6, 2008 at 2:54 pm
“Emotional Unavailability” can be translated to “Why doesn’t s/he want me the way I want them? There must be something wrong with THEM dammit!”
I dunno, but whenever I hear that term I picture someone pouting because they are not getting the attention they want.
Comment from Selena
Time March 6, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Oh!…And isn’t “emotionally unavailable” one of those excuses (among a WHOLE book’s worth) that essentially describes someone who just isn’t into you?
Comment from Sassy
Time March 6, 2008 at 3:33 pm
While I agree with most of the comments here today, I also know that perfectly good, able people fall for “emotionally unavailable” people. The trick is to understand that the person just simply can’t go “there” with you for whatever reason (not into you, ex-wife issues, childhood wounds) and to bow out before you get too deep.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 6, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Oops…Am thinking as does our Ms. AnneZ , and apparently living and learning! Thx 4other insights, but an ‘external’ [e.g., current or ex-spouse] problem better equates to an “emotionally unavailable” sense given the fact that someone is in, leaning toward, or leaving a ship of relations with someone. If someone is unavailable emotionally–how would a ticket be punched for relationshipping to begin with! Oh, well: men are men; women are women; let’s thank Heaven there can be differences to sweeten the menu!
Comment from Anne
Time April 19, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I have read all the comments and I can say there is something as an “emotionally unavailable” man.
Men are emotionally unavailable for a number of reasons. In the case I am going to mention here, this particular man is emotionally unavailable to any woman right this minute because he has gone through two failed marriages where both wives cheated on him.
He has decided to dedicate his life right now to his joy, he is a doctor and his son. I know because I have known this man for over 30 years, was there with him when his first marriage ended, when he got married a second time and when his second marriage ended, both because of infidelity.
There are lots of women who flock him because he is now single but he takes them to lunches, to dinners, for drinks but just cannot be emotionally available to any of these women. Mind you, he can be intimate with them if they so desire, but that is it, so yes, there are “emotionally unavailable” men.
Comment from Lisa
Time April 21, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I have cancer and my husband has been emotionally unavailable to me. He either gets drunk or smokes pot or just shuts me down when I need some support. What do you say to that Jeff?
Comment from Fake It
Time May 17, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Jeff’s right, the question does refer to a popular UK site, but it’s painfully obvious that neither Jeff nor Lovelife have ever read anything Natalie Lue, the site’s owner, has ever posted about emotionally unavailable men.
The definition of an emotionally unavailable man doesn’t have anything to do with whether that man shares his feelings “like a woman” (it’s creepy just to write such a thing). It has everything to do with whether he’s possible of making a commitment to his partner (or any person). There’s plenty more to say, but anyone reading this (including, hopefully, Jeff himself), would be wise to head over the Baggage Reclaim and see what Ms. Lue has written on the subject first.
Comment from LoveLife
Time May 25, 2008 at 12:11 am
Actually, Fake It, I have read, in great detail, what Ms. Lue has posted about emotionally unavailable men–hence my oblique reference to her website. My question was not a merely regurgitation of her perspective on emotionally unavailability, but rather the result of additional reading and other thoughts on the subject. In fact, many women (not referring to the Baggage Reclaim site) who cite male “emotional unavailability” usually do so for the reason in my question to Jeff–and that’s the perspective I wanted to know his opinion on here.
Please do not make assumptions about what you perceive to be the awareness/knowledge (or lack thereof) of posters without first asking them–and certainly not the host of this site. It’s disrespectful, and “painfully obvious” that it smacks of a smugness not common among the regulars here.
Comment from fitn50
Time May 26, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Thanks to everyone I enjoyed reading all the different perspectives. I have a history of emotionally unavailable men in my life (father, ex), and I have been one myself! Often we want to believe the best in our partner. We want to believe that…with time, when he’s more comfortable and trusting, when he realizes how terrific I really am…it will all be good “then”. I am STILL attracted to this type of man. I just stop myself and say…how about NOW! What’s it like to be with this guy NOW? If your answer isn’t that you feel safe and comfortable and happy — what you are experiencing is the lack of his love..it isn’t love.. He may not be into you, he may have baggage, he may need more time…but you need to make a private note as to when you have invested enough, and if it isn’t good for you when you reach that line in the sand…move on.
Your moving on may be the best thing that could happen to him, or not. But grit your teeth and do it. He may surprise you, but anything that happens will be for the better.
That’s my read on it. Don’t complain. Pay attention to how you feel and whether you are being reasonable, and then get on with enjoying your life.
Comment from Lissa
Time June 17, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I keep finding only posts about emotionally unavailable men…I am looking for something about unavailable women.
I am surprised to see this term only in reference to men and to see it used so often and for everything!
I started thinking that maybe this was a “definition” for me. The last dating relationships I have had all seem to want too much right away. A commitment, all of my time….to constantly “talk” about the relationship. I just can’t take it. I feel crowded and caged and turn off and push them away. I feel like I have been made an idealized version of what someone wants and that they will push to control that down the road. I feel really uncomfortable with that and as if someone is saying they want you to be who you are, yet not really giving you the space to be that.
Anyway, looking online I see this problem referenced by men with women…..are there women who are emotionally unavailable and am I one of them? Can I find someone to really enjoy and get to know that gives me space and doesn’t rush the whole intimacy and sharing of everything…yet isn’t a total player (fact is, you can’t get to know that one either).
Comment from nicoletta
Time August 14, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Good comments, but especially Fitn50, wow your words really struck me as good advice.
Yes, I have fallen for an emotionally unavailable man, and he really is, I know this due to his family and friends and through spending time with him, *emotionally unavailable” as in he is not in touch with his own or other people’s feelings, he does not let anyone get too close, but I got closer than anyone, however it isn’t for the faint hearted, when I met him he was 35 and had NEVER had a serious relationship!
Well we have known each other for 6months now, and fitn50’s words are true I think in this case, he may surprise me but if he doesn’t I’m not going to waste my time.
Comment from Tracey
Time November 12, 2008 at 3:35 am
Glancing through all the posts I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking that being “emotionally unavailable” is a choice. It’s not. It’s different to just being unavailable. As with any condition, there is a cause, and, not surprisingly, there is a common thread that runs through most EU people. It’s always related to past damage of some sort. These people will give you any number of reasons why they won’t commit but the truth is that they just can’t. I think that deep down many of them wish they were able to but they can’t so they play the same game over and over. There are a number of websites that give a very good description of this condition and also the kinds of partners they attract. My suggestion is not to spend too much time analyzing the EU person but, if you’re attracted to them, ask why and deal with that.
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 6, 2008 at 10:29 am
Yes, that is quite a rant.
And here I always thought “emotionally unavailable” referred to men who are still wrapped up with their ex-wives, are experiencing untreated debilitating depression or who live with their mothers and inspire Brad Paisley songs.
I didn’t know it meant “any man who is not Alan Alda.”
Live and learn.