manslations

This is another edition of our favorite gameshow, “Bootycall, or No Bootycall.” This is where a bunch of men stand on the stage with their penises in metal briefcases, and then Howie Mandel asks a woman to try to guess…Ok, I haven’t seen that show. The point is that a reader named Treadie has been seeing this guy who seems to be making an effort, but then pulling back, and then starting over again. What IS this pre-relationship (or “prelationship” if you will…and I will) cha-cha that he’s doing here?

Hi Jeff
After lurking around for awhile (not in a creepy way, I promise!), I think I need a bit of your genius. Please see if you can figure out what is going on here. I would be eternally grateful and will worship at your alter for any bits of wisdom…..

Always an excellent start — a promise of worship. And you threw in some non-creepy lurking. My favorite kind. Proceed, my loyal subject…

A guy approached me at an airport a month ago and we started chatting.

No kidding, I’m already a little worried. A man approaches a woman because he’s been picturing having sex with her, and he wants to do that at closer range, or escalate to the real thing. Doesn’t mean he couldn’t like you, but it’s a pretty bold move.

It was 5am in the morning so needless to say I wasn’t exactly looking particularly savoury. I treated the encounter as a pretty normal, “bored travellers trying to kill time” sort of thing. Anyway, we spent the day travelling together and he even invited me into the airline lounge with him. We come from the same city, but he works overseas and I’m in the middle of moving to another country myself. We exchanged email addresses and I thought “Okay, not going to hear from this guy. ” Lo and behold he emails me a few days later.

Ok, that’s interesting. He lives/works overseas, but he’s contacting you within a couple of days.

The emails started off innocently enough, 1 or 2 emails a day on day to day stuff etc.

Not for nothin’, but daily or more than daily emails is kind of a lot, considering you guys barely know each other.

They progressively got more frequent (3-6 a day) and more intimate and risque.

Ok, I thought daily was a lot. I was incorrect. THAT is a lot.

He wants to visit me when I settle in after my move, which is a few weeks away. In most emails he comes on really strong, tells me I’m beautiful, can’t wait to get close to me etc, and in others he pulls back a bit (not many of them but there are a few). The next few weeks there will be minimal email contact because I’ll be moving and he’ll be occupied on work stuff. He said maybe it’s a good thing for us. It’s like every time our emails start getting too hot, I’ll get a email from him that pulls back a little and cools things down a bit. But then he starts it up again.

I think that I am more than just a booty call to him, because why make the effort to go to another country for a booty call right?

Mm…maybe…

We are both very attracted to each other. But I’m just wondering about this hot and luke warm thing (he hasn’t gone cold on me, just a bit tentative). Is he protecting himself in case things don’t work out?

Hard to say, but I’m not getting that vibe.

Am I really just a booty call and he is doing this to give me warning?

Probably not, if I’m understanding you correctly. If a guy is actually going to “warn” you that it’s going to be a booty call, you’ll know it. It’ll go something like this: “Look, I’m not looking for a commitment right now, but…”

Is he laying the groundwork in case he wants to do a runner?

Hm…we may have a weeeeener…

Or is he just unsure or scared and is being upfront about it? Or is this just part of the dating dance, (if so I’m totally screwed because I have 2 left feet)? I’m clueless….

I’m trying not to get too invested in this but I have to say that I’m just a little bit infatuated.

Dear Treadie,

Since the two of you have spent essentially one day together, it’s pretty hard to tell what he’s after. It’s insufficient data. Let’s look at what he’s doing (as opposed to the words he’s using) and then as the Two Big Manslator Questions (catchy title, huh?) Ok, he:

• Approached you in the airport.
• Spent the day with you.
• Made sure to get your info.
• Emailed you.
• Emailed you a lot more (and got real sexy in some, and “pulled back” in others)
• Wants to visit you from another land.

Ok, given all of that, let’s ask the 2 big questions:

1. Might he think that this behavior will get him laid? Yes, he certainly might.
2. Might he think that this behavior will get him more time with you? Insufficient data…And there’s our problem.

Because you live in different countries, you can’t get a sense if he wants to spend non-sexual time with you, which the only reliable way you can tell if you’re not a booty call. A guy who just wants to do you wants to spend as little time as humanly possible with you that doesn’t involve nudity and sweating (and blushing, if you’re from Connecticut).

The little back-and-forth dance? Even harder to interpret because it’s via email, probably the most notoriously dodgy method of conveying nuance since the telegraph. (Ever try to discuss semantics via Morse Code? Not pretty, I assure you. Even worse with “Norse Code” which is what I accidentally just typed. I guess that’s when the telegraph is being worked by Thor?)

Honestly, I’m getting a bit of a “Travellin’ Man” vibe off of him. Sure, he wants to fly in to meet you. But was he flying to your city anyway? Does he do business in your town, and he’s looking to throw in a little bizness as well?

SO, WHAT TO DO?

Well, you live in separate countries. What can you do? And what do you think HE thinks can be done? For some people, taking a flight just to have sex with someone might seem insane. But it happens. And for other people, attempting to start a relationship with someone you met at an airport — someone who lives in another country — would seem impossible. But that happens as well.

The only way you’re ever going to know if you two are for real is to spend some time together. Unfortunately, the only way to do THAT is if he flies in to see you, which is just inherently sexual. I mean, sorry, but no guy flies in just to say hi, because he wants to be your pal. I’m not saying that means it’s a booty call. But it’s definitely going to be sex, if he gets a vote. (Many people don’t actually hold a true “vote” before sex. There’s a pun on election/erection in there somewhere, and I’m not going to be the one who makes it.) And hey, fantastic, right? As long as everybody’s on board and safe, great.

What you’re going to have to do is to see how he behaves toward you when you’re NOT doin’ it. That’s the key to unlocking his behavior. Don’t read too far into his email behavior. You don’t likely know him well enough to tell WHAT he’s doing over email. But in person, that’s interesting.

FARE WARNING 

And you are well within your rights to say before he ever gets on a plane, “Look, just so we’re clear — I’m not interested in being a transcontinental booty call. If that’s what you’re looking for, please let’s know that now and not after. Let’s just skip it and save your plane fare, ok?”

Now, in all fairness, how the hell does HE know if he’s going to want to be with you forever. Right now, he knows he wants to sleep with you. Frankly, he hasn’t spent enough time with YOU either, you know. He doesn’t know what’s what.

So maybe it can be this: “Listen, the emails are pretty intense, and of course I’m having a great time. But we’ve barely spent any time together. If you’re going to come and visit, let’s not take it too fast. I have to know who I’m with before I can just jump into bed, ok?”

Most men know what this means. It doesn’t mean “forget it, pal.” It means, “No booty unless I’m not a booty call.” You’re still going to have to see what he does (and NOT what he says) but it will put him on notice what’s going on.

Good luck, Treadie. And hey, if it turns out that it was a booty call? At least make it a good one!

What do you think, ladies? Is this guy a playa from across the borda? Or what’s going on?