A gentle touch and your presence is often the best response, followed by a whispered, How can I help?

I tried to be patient and wait but the not knowing made me feel, hmmmm…vulnerable so I sent the email.

I would be there for him in a heartbeat if he needed me because like I said…he is a good man. He called when he said he’d call, he was kind, he was polite (opened doors, got water ready for me before we would go to sleep).

I miss him so much and worry about him but he’s got good friends and his father and brother…I guess those are the people he needs now.

Thanks again…this REALLY did help a lot!!!

I haven’t experienced the death of anybody dear to me and I shall not pretend that I have much of an insight into how that feels. Nevertheless, the idea that he might have been in denial and is now emotionally confused does sound like a plausible explanation. Also, the idea that he wants to be in control, and one way to be in control of one’s life is to cut off things: thus, he might have broken up because that’s the only way to “control” that part of his life, that is, not having it. I’m not saying this is what is happening to him, only that it is an explanation that makes sense.

I do not know why he said the things he said when he broke up. It looks to me like they can’t be true, given Heather’s account of their relationship. I can only guess, along with Jeff, that he is not having a good understanding of what’s going on, inside him, emotionally. The name for that is “emotional disconnectedness.” It involves not recognizing and understanding one’s own emotions and also not being able to recognize and understand others’ emotions. To say that he did not feel for Heather was extremely insensitive, and it suggests to me somebody who does not understand emotions (his or others’). All of this may me a consequences of the grieving process.

Best advice to Heather is to accept the current situation, try not to take those words seriously, and try to move on. Also, if she can find it in her heart, she may want to be available if he needs her. But only on the assumption that she is prepared to endure the difficulty involved in supporting someone who may not be emotionally available for a relationship. And that may be very tough.

Myself, I am coming out of a relationship with someone who lost her mother to cancer about a year before he and I started dating, and he’s behaviour and ability to get involved emotionally has been very erratic. I’m not sure how much that has to do with his mother’s death, for I did not know him before, but perhaps a lot more than I had thought.

Best,

Mar

My soldier did this very same thing about a month before he left for war and right after my dad died. He didn’t say anything hurtful but did tell me that he couldn’t continue to see me because when we were together, he felt “vulnerable and emotional and couldn’t go to war feeling that way.” He also felt helpless (another icky feeling for men) because he wanted to be there to “take care of me and my kids” and he couldn’t because he would be in Iraq for 15 months. He was also very sure that I’d meet someone else while he was away.

It was very confusing and difficult for me back then (Manslator, I wish I knew of you then!). I gave him his space and he would call and tell me that he wasn’t going anywhere. He stated over and over that he wanted to stay in my life but wouldn’t see me at all. It was very frustrating. I chalked it up to pre-deployment nerves and whatever he needed to do to prepare emotionally for war.

So, here it is 6 months later and he’s still calling me from Iraq and we stay in touch over email. He’s very loving and sweet and supportive. He’s talking plans with me for when he returns. I still don’t know what’s going to happen. He’ll be gone for another year still. But I do know that he does care for me and, as Jeff said, didn’t like that “out of control” feeling.

I’d say give him space and see what happens. Don’t depend on him for anything. Take care of yourself. Date someone else if you want to. I certainly don’t think he’s replacing you with someone else. I believe that the connection was there and maybe he’ll come back to it when he’s feeling stable again. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be.

I think the male nature to “fix things” and their failure to cure the cancer is an especially hard blow. They can’t seem to hear that if the doctors can’t “fix” it neither can they.

Thanks for sharing this post as it gives me more patience with my friend, as he goes through the grieving process.

LA Lady

Having just lost a relative to terminal cancer, everything that you outlined is EXACTLY to a T, how many members of my immediate family handled the situation. The men were all catty-whompous and the women were just beat down.

Basically, I’m saying we were all there during his last two weeks of life, day in, day out…..and cancer deaths are quite possibly the most horrible way to die. It’s absolutely heart wrenching to watch someone hurt that much.

During those days we each went through our denial, from my mother trying to save him by feeding him ice cream to myself, 4 hours before he died, saying God performs miracles and he would live and be okay.

Of course we were all putting ourselves through as much torture as he was going through, but it helped us deal with the situation.

Now, me being a female (thank goodness- I think it would be hard to be a guy) I am still reeling over his death, day in and day out. I relieve some moments. It’s been 8 months and it’s still very raw and fresh as I am sure it is for your guy friend.

Even though it did not work out (and I’m truly sorry that it didn’t) you were there during such a crucial time and I bet dollars to donuts he’s very appreciative of that….

Not much help but I have to say, I think the guy is just grief stricken. It was his mommy!!! Doesn’t matter how old you get your mom will always be your mommy.