Why Would He DO This (hint: check to see if his pants are on fire…)
Today, we’ve got a reader named Roxanne, who is dealing with a man who is…well, he’s something less than Cyrano, here. We’ve got a guy who’s here, he’s gone, he’s back, he’s gone. What is going on here? Read on to find out:
About a year ago, this boyfriend i will call Edward, who i thought i loved more than life itself, and i broke up. He told me it wasn’t for another girl, he needed to remain celibate like Jesus wanted him to. And he didn’t even have the balls to break up with me to my face. He left a letter laying on the porch of my house breaking up with me.
Now, already we’re in the realm of serious bullsquish, as my friend Darrin likes to say. I’ll explain why I think that below.
Not even a week after we break up, i was informed by his best friend that he had been asking a girl out but to no avail. Then, a week after that, he had a new girlfriend and then in October of 2007, they were engaged, for about two months.
Ok, evidently I don’t NEED to explain why I think that. It’s already true. Well, either that, or I for one am shocked that Jesus found a girl for him so quickly. Boy, that guy really does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? Pff. “Celibate like Jesus”, indeed.
On christmas day, he comes to my house telling me how much he missed me and my hopes were up really high. I really thought we were going to get back together.
Ok, now I’m really starting to dislike this man.
One of my friends who is also friends with him said that we had a really, really good chance.
And truthfully, I’m not too wild about this friend, either.
He held some sort of party at his house one night beginning of this month. He had sex with this random girl attending his party and they are now dating.
Wow, that Jesus guy is really looking out for this dude.
All my hopes are once again shot to hell.
This is the best news so far, seriously. This is not a man to hope for.
From Christmas until like two days before this party, we were doing fine. I felt like we were so close to getting back together.
No, I must respectfully disagree. You weren’t doing “fine.” This guy doesn’t have a “fine” in him, I’m sorry to report.
And i can’t even get a reason or a motive from him for why! I have tried to call him and his new girlfriend,
Yikes!
who my friend has told me is nothing but a whore, has kindly asked me to leave him alone and let him be because he is a nice guy and deserves that. But, my friend thinks that Edward put his new girlfriend up to that because that’s not the type of person she is.
Wait…so, she’s nothing but a whore, but she’s not the kind of person who would…ask you to leave her man alone? I’m not totally following your friend’s description of her. And again, if it’s the same friend as above? Not helpful, there, friend.
Help me please! Explain to me why he did this, since i am not going to get an explanation from him!
Dear Roxanne,
We regret to inform you that you fell in love with a douchebag. I’m so sorry that this guy got his hooks into you as deeply as he seemed to. And I think that the main reason that you’re having problems with seems to be that he refuses to tell you WHY. Well, I come bearing good(ish) news. It is virtually never a mystery why someone would dump you. Certainly not in this case.
PROCLAMATION ON BREAKING UP
In fact, I’m going to make a ruling from here on out, forever and ever, on ALL breakups. Ready? Ok. All breakups are for the same core reason. The person doesn’t want to be with you as much as they want to be separate from you. There is no hidden meaning. That IS the meaning. All the meaning you need anyway.
Oh, and whenever anyone offers any reason at all for a breakup (cough…celibatelikejesus…cough), just try to ignore it. This goes for men and women. Doesn’t matter why. They’re breaking up. Any reason or justification they might give is just lube to help slide them out the door. (Or off the porch, in this case.)
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE
Now, does this make it any easier to deal with a broken heart? I don’t know. But from personal experience, I can tell you this much — hope is the LAST thing you want to nurture in yourself here. Hoping that you’re going to get back together is just going to make you nuts. Here’s the timeline:
- He broke up via letter, citing a need to be like Jesus. Seriously.
- A week later, he was asking out another girl (presumably not Jesus.)
- Soon after, he was engaged to another woman for a couple months.
- Soon after THAT, he tries to get back together
- And he nails some random girl at a party, who he is now dating.
- Oh, and when you called her (again, Yikes) she told you to leave him alone, which your friend seems to think HE put her up to. As in, he wanted her to get rid of you for him.
I don’t think I left anything out, did I? This is not a hopeful situation. This is a blessing, and not even in disguise. I think we can honestly say that breaking up with you was one of the top 5 nicest things that this guy will ever do. Well, unless he rubs his crotch on some poison oak or something. That’d be nice of him, I think, if only for the joy it would bring to the world.
Good luck, Roxanne. I know (belieeeeeve me, I know) what it is to get all twisted up inside over someone who treats you like a puppy treats the newspaper. And I’m so sorry for how crappy it feels, no pun intended. But don’t ask why. Git while the gittin’s good.
Oh, ladies? Does Roxanne need to know why? Do we ever? What’s going on, hey?
Posted: March 13th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from cassidy
Time March 13, 2008 at 7:39 am
Your comments were very sweet to this girl.
I love your perfect use of the word, “douche bag” . I have to admit my arse would have flown out the door, run down the street, hoped the next plane to Antartica to get away from this guy.
Anyone who uses Jesus as an excuse…..deserves the Jeff Mac “douche bag” award!!!
Comment from TJo
Time March 13, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Classic case of a “resurfacing guy” wants to know you’re still there to stroke his ego. Run as fast as you can from him & all that are like him. His behavior toward you is disrespectful. Remember, you teach others how to treat you. You really don’t want to be with a guy who is so flip or “wishy washy” with his emotions/feelings. Personally I think the only “feeling” he has is in his pants. You are #1 & should be treated as such, not a 2nd place or consolation prize when he “feels like” coming around again. Immature & bad communicator. Run & don’t look back.
Comment from Shelby
Time March 13, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Oh my goodness… I actually KNEW a guy just like this in college. He broke up with a couple of girls I knew with a “Jesus letter” and all! Well, one of those letters was via email, but all the same… I hope this isn’t the same person!? (This guy’s initials were JG.) He also began dating others as quickly as he sent those letters that stated he “had to get right with God,” etc., etc. Jeff is right; you did fall in love with a douchebag. And it seems there is something fundamentally wrong with his faculties. I bumped into JG not that long ago and he seems to still be up to his old tricks. You’re lucky to be away from your guy because whomever he ends up with, he will probably kill them one day.
Comment from Selena
Time March 13, 2008 at 2:08 pm
In this situation I don’t think I would have been able to resist saying, “What happened to Jesus?” when the douchebag showed up at Christmas wanting to hang around again. Seriously Roxanne, how did you get past the breakup by porch letter? The celibacy that lasted a week? And I’d want the low down on the brief engagement as well. Did you not ask him about all that BS when he came sniffing around again?
And now the party random hookup/girlfriend?
You want an explanation? I’m sorry honey, but the explanation is he doesn’t love you. He was pretty much just dallying with you and your feelings. He’s a creep Roxanne. That’s the explanation.
I’m so sorry and I hope your ‘love’ feelings for him disappear fast. DON’T call him or his new girlfriend! Get out there and meet a decent guy who will love you the way you deserve.
Selena
Comment from Cindy
Time March 13, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Girlfriend, you need to do a little work on your self-esteem!!! Get a piece of paper & make a list of ALL of the wonderful qualities YOU bring to the party. Now, put a little star next to your “top 5″. Read this every morning. Go out, look cute, and remember what you’re worth. I betcha it doesn’t take long to figure out that you’re worth a heck of a lot more than some freak who would give you the Jesus excuse. Girlfriend, go forward and be fabulous!
Comment from Sherri
Time March 13, 2008 at 11:49 pm
This situation will NOT get better. If he’s acting like this now, when he’s supposed to be on his best behavior, then what’ll it be like later, when he’s relaxed? No, thanks.
I spent 10 years (yep, I’m a slow learner) with one of these push-pull, come-here-go-away men in my late 20s and early 30s. We never married; who had time, with so much drama going on? Relationships like this don’t improve with time.
Roxanne, from someone who’s been there: get out now, even if you have to crawl out! Tough as it is, you’ll be glad you did. There’s a much better life waiting for you out there. He’s a loser!
My 0.02…
Comment from hunter
Time March 15, 2008 at 1:46 am
the sooner you start seeing someone else, not sexually, the sooner you break the bond.
Comment from mattydee
Time April 21, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Oh my! Save your self esteem and lose this loser!
I had sort of this same situation in January 2009. Went out with a guy for 7 months (5 intimate). He was 28 years younger than me, however I look about 12 years younger than I am. Also I’m very active.
He really liked me. We went places together and had lots in common.
We are also next door neighbors.
I went on vacation and when I came back he started acting strange. This was right before Christmas. The day after New Years I saw him leave his house with a woman. Called and left a cell message for him.
He called back to say he is not good at relationships and he just wanted to meet and have sex with lots of women. He is 31. I would think past this behavior.
Anyway when he came crawling back–more than once I took him back.
Finally after 4 months of this I dumped him because I caught him with another woman that spent the night at his house.
Also he was busy with family on holidays and his room mates needed their privacy so when I got home from vacation he didn’t want me going to his house. Well he is spending whole days with this girl at his house and overnight too!
So there you have it. He just did not want to be with me anymore!
I have Jeff’s book and it has very good advice. Had I listened I would not have gone back to him the first time.
I am done now.
Comment from LK
Time April 22, 2009 at 7:05 am
As prior girls have said, the Jesus excuse is often-times a lame one. People don’t just use this in breakup-land, either. Think of all the evangelists getting popped for all kinds of exploits as of late. Or the molesters in priestly garb.
Now, I’m not a highly religious person by any stretch. But my understanding of the whole religion thing, especially the Jesus message, is “do unto others” not “do others”. People who duck behind it or use it to justify their actions are so immature and screwed up they can’t even begin to take responsibility for themselves. For them it’s easier to blame God than to own up. Not only is that the very definition of “douchebag” but it smacks of psychosis, too.
Run, don’t walk, and be free. I realize this post was up from a while ago, and hope that this past year was a beautiful one for you, Roxanne, and that you met someone who is real special.
Comment from LK
Time April 22, 2009 at 7:11 am
BTW, Selena – every time I read your comments, I think to myself “Self, why can’t you be that quippy that quick?” I LMAO reading your comments. Thanks!
LK
Comment from mar
Time March 13, 2008 at 7:03 am
Hi Jeff
This reader’s story is so awful
I’m afraid I can only say this guy is an asshole. I am normally careful about jumping into conclusions about people I don’t know, but this guy’s record speaks volumes: I mean, is he being truthful? is he being consistent? is he being reliable? is he being nice? No, no, no, and no.
I think it is normal for Roxanne to want to know why, I think that’s understandable. But whatever the explanation for his behaviour, one thing is immediately clear to me: it’s not going to be a justification. I mean, nobody deserves to be treated like that. Period.
So, Roxanne is best advised to stick to that: she didn’t deserve that treatment, she deserves a lot better, and she is better off without him. And, in the end, that’s really all she needs to move on.
Good luck Roxanne.
Mar