He Refuses to Sign Off the Dating Site…And So Does SHE…?
I’m a little confused by this one. Ladies, maybe you can womanslate part of the question for me. This woman is wondering why her man won’t give her an explanation for staying on dating websites. You know — the dating websites that she is also on. Still. But she’s ready to be exclusive. Should she give up hope that he’ll ever sign off these websites? Read on to find out.
Hi,
I have been dating a man I met online for a year now. We see each other once during the week and
also nearly every Saturday/Sunday. He has included me in all of his family celebrations and holidays and taken me on some fabulous vacations. He is funny and smart and we have a very intense chemistry together.The problem is he refuses to sign off the dating website I met him on and recently I discovered his profile on
a second dating website. He won’t really give me an explanation as to why he won’t commit to dating me exclusively.I also am on the same dating websites and I have gone on several dates with other men
over the past year. However I am ready after 12 months for an exclusive relationshipShould I just give up hope that he will ever sign off these sites and move on ?
Or hope that with more time and patience we will become exclusive ?
Dear Kelly,
I have to tell you, this is a first. I’ve certainly had women tell me they’re frustrated that he won’t sign off a dating website. And I’ve had women who were signed onto the same dating website as their boyfriend. Never both in one manslations request, though. Impressive!
GETTIN’ EXCLUSIVE
Well, here’s the issue as I see it. You want to be exclusive, and he doesn’t but won’t tell you why. Is that it? In order to figure this out, really, you’re going to have to have a meeting of the minds on the whole issue of exclusivity. It seems pretty clear to me that neither of you knows what the other one is looking for in a relationship. You’re going to have to pin him down. The downside? This conversation might end your relationship. The upside? Not having this talk will not save it.
WHY SO ESSCLUSIVE?
I think in these cases, it’s important that you, the woman (you didn’t forget which one you were, did you?), know why you want him to be exclusive. You’re the one who’s going to be initiating the conversation, right? So, why do you? Do you like him so much that you want to get closer to him? And in order to build that next level of trust, you feel that there can only be two people involved? Do you just not like the idea of him with another woman? Are you looking to get married, and you see “being exclusive” as just one step on that ladder? What’s the reason for the exclusivity? Don’t settle for “oh, I just think it’s time” either. Really figure out what you’re doing.
Why should you do this? Well, first of all, because it’s the truth, right? Always a good thing to know. And second, the best way to have a difficult conversation with a man starts with being CLEAR. To say, “I want to date exclusively,” could mean about a million things. It could be a “test” of his commitment, just to see what he says. It could be that you really love him. Could be that you don’t like a specific woman he’s dating. It could be any number of things. The important part is, it’s not just “I want to date exclusively.” There’s more to it than that, and he knows it, and he knows that he doesn’t know what that “more” is. And he’s pretty sure he’s got to guess, and guess right.
What happens then is, you’re going to have a very cagey guy on your hands. He’s going to be playing “conversational defense” the whole time, trying to step over landmines that he’s not even sure are there or not. You’ll never get anywhere.
But if you start with the truth. Tell him, “Listen, I know we talked about being exclusive. Here’s why I want that, ok? I’m not just saying it because a belong to a religion that worships a giant sea tortoise that demands that her followers date exclusively. It’s because…” Really be honest about this (unless that sea tortoise thing is the reason. The giant sea tortoise rewards deception…). You’re going for broke here anyway, because hey, if either one of you doesn’t want to date exclusively…well, you’re not gonna.
GIVE UP HOPE?
Honestly, I couldn’t say. Obviously he seems resistant to the idea. But then again, you’ve been dating other dudes as well, and on the same dating sites. Until recently. You didn’t write how abruptly that change took place in you. Could it be that you caught him off guard a little? Like, “Whoa, you were seeing other dudes, like, on Tuesday! When did this happen?” Hard to say without more information. Luckily, he, you know, exists. And has such information. Your job? Go get it. I wish there was another way than resorting to actual honest dialogue. But it’s the only way you’re going to know what’s what here.
What do you think, ladies? Any chance here? How does she find out?
Posted: March 20th, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time March 20, 2008 at 9:32 am
Hi
I don’t fully understand Jeff’s advice on figuring out why wanting to be exclusive. That seems obvious to me. People want to be exclusive when they are happy with that relationship and want to stay in it.
Obviously, the fact that he doesn’t want to sign off that site means that he wants to keep on looking, and that must be because he is not happy with that relationship. As Selena notes, “People who are in love don’t want to date anyone else.” I agree: thus, he is not in love with Kelly.
Kelly’s position is clear: she wants to be exclusive, he doesn’t want to be exclusive. It’s for Kelly to decide what to do about it. I see three obvious choices:
1) She keeps on dating him on the same terms, and keeps on looking for something else.
2) She stops dating him, and keeps on looking for something else.
3) She keeps on dating him, and does not keep on looking for something else.
I recommend don’t do 3, and decide for yourself whether you want 1 or 2.
Best
Mar
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 20, 2008 at 10:06 am
I agree, Mar. I didn’t fully understand that either. The issue does seem obvious. I guess when he says the guy will get cagey, otherwise, it makes more sense. I guess he’s saying the guy is afraid “exclusive” means “you have to buy me a ring” and needs some assurance that’s not what you’re saying. Whew! Boys! what does go on in their crazy little heads!?! Who knew?
Well, that’s why we have the wonderful Jeff because I’d bet most of us chicks had no idea that’s where their brains might go.
Mar, I also agree with your list of options. And the fact that you recommend against option #3 is exactly what I would have offered up as a womanslation. Kelly is still on the sites herself because it seems the height of folly to offer herself wholly and slavishly to a guy who doesn’t want her that much.
I’d bet a tenspot if he said “yes” when she asked him to take down his profiles she’d take hers down faster than you can say Jack Robinson.
This guy is monopoliizing all her time and emotions. My thought is she needs to start backing away from him so she can move on. It ain’t happenin’ with him, as much as that hurts.
Anne
p.s. Mar, thanks for your kind words in the other thread.
Comment from Eric the BeehiveHairdresser
Time March 20, 2008 at 10:40 am
(I’m not a lady, but please be gentle)
I’d have to say don’t wait around hoping that it becomes exclusive, it most likely won’t become exclusive by just waiting – my guess is that it would be more of the same, and in the end you’ll be missing out on what you want out of life – a stable, healthy, and exclusive relationship, right?
Go ahead and discuss why you would like to be exclusive with your reason(s) why, and in a way that you think won’t freak him out. Also letting him know that you would be signing off the dating websites too (and actually doing so) would probably be best too.
Whatever you do, no ultimatums should be given.
Comment from Selena
Time March 20, 2008 at 10:45 am
I took Jeff’s asking her to figure out why she wanted to be exclusive with this guy because during the year she has dated other guys and then found out he was also using another dating site. Why was she on the same site? Why does she now want to be exclusive, if she’s been doing the same things he has?
Without more info, I can’t conclude the guy is monpolizing all her time and emotions. Just from what she wrote, it seems they are both still “out there looking”.
Comment from Selena
Time March 20, 2008 at 10:59 am
And just for the fun of it, some reasons for wanting exclusivity:
In a sexual relationship-because monogamy is important to you; minimizing jealously/trust issues; STD risk potential.
In an emotional relationship- because monogamy is important to you; because you want to feel deeply connected to the other person on a one-on-one basis and not just another player on someone else’s field; because you are seeking a true partner, not just someone to hang out/go out with from time to time.
Comment from AnneZ
Time March 20, 2008 at 6:29 pm
She says they spend all weekend together, vacations, celebrations and time during the week. Not a lot left of yourself to give! YMMV!
Comment from Selena
Time March 20, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Yes, Anne Z.. But still enough time (and inclination) for both to be on internet dating site. KWIM.
Comment from hunter
Time March 20, 2008 at 10:00 pm
To Kelly,
Men are cheap, we will accept generous women, so long as they let us…
Comment from Sherri
Time March 22, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Maybe it’s just me…but it seems that mixed messages are flying around on both sides here. Why not just tell him that you want a monogamous relationship (if you do) and see where that goes? At a minimum, you’ll have more information with which to make a decision about where to go from here.
Good luck!
Comment from Mar
Time January 14, 2009 at 2:56 pm
I agree with Jeff. If a person wants a one-on-one relationship, why is that person dating others? Haven’t made up their mind yet? I don’t call that monagamous. First step would be to get off those other sites. Just being there gives a bad impression to the perspective partner, who may have signed up just to get access and watch YOU! Maybe even figured out your secret password and is reading all those emails to other people. I’ve seen some people do this, then complain when they can’t find a monagamous relationship. Maybe it’s not that guy she wants, but the idea of being the one and only. Not fair to the guy. How can you be true to others if you aren’t even true to your self?
Preparing for this type of relationship starts with ones self. Be monagamous to get what you want. Second step is to ask this perspective partner how they feel about it. Maybe tell them that’s what you’re looking for in a relationship, but like Eric says, be nice. This is perspective, not sure thing, yet. I do think that one year is long enough to wait and see what happens. Time for that talk.
Personally, I would be offended if I got emotionally attached to someone, then found out that person was saying all those kind words to someone else, the very next day, then coming back to me and swaping spit and diseases. I wouldn’t admire or trust that person, wouldn’t want to be with or be seen with that person. Visions of giggling school girls gosiping come to mind, not to mention those who think it’s “cool” to act like porn stars. There’s a price to pay as reality sinks in. If there are more than one partners, one or the other relationship suffers. Then again, if you want to be one of those generous ones, like Hunter says, you’ll find out just how lonely it can be down the road. Then again, that’s what those sites are for, right? Just grab another warm body. Gee, sounds real meaningful. I quit when I realized what type of image I was presenting to others, just be being on one of those sites. Try meeting someone in the flesh, instead.
Comment from Still Hopeful
Time September 17, 2009 at 11:58 am
I think I can guess why Kelly is on those sites. She’s trying to minimize the risk she’s taking by being attached to a guy who clearly is ambivalent (at best) about an exclusive relationship with her. I’ve just gone through this situation. I met a man eighteen months ago on a dating site. And, yes, I worry a bit about the “image” I’m projecting by being on those sites, but I have actually crossed paths with some truly good men, so we’re not all scum buckets on these sites! I was living in a remote area where I had no chance of meeting anyone I had anything in common with, so dating sites seemed the only alternative. Having said that, yes — meeting face-to-face is preferred. Anyway, I think Kelly is wanting, more than anything, to be exclusive with this man, but, given his reticence, is trying to protest herself by not putting all her emotional eggs in the proverbial basket. I did this, too, and in the process discovered the man I was seriously interested in was back on the site we met on. I have no idea if he’s still on there, but my guess is that he is. I honestly don’t want to know — it’s too upsetting. I’ve gotten on another site because I figure I “should” be going out with other men, since there is no agreement about exclusivity with the my first-choice-love-interest. But my heart is not in it, which leaves me feeling awkward and sort of duplicitous with the other men I correspond with and on the rare dates I’ve been on. I know I’ll have to have a conversation with the man in question, which I dread. I’m extremely afraid of rejection (and I know he is, too) and the possibility that we’re both playing certainly exists. On the other hand, I may find out that he has no intention of ever having a serious relationship with me, which will hurt. Lots. But I have to put on my Big Girl Panties and broach the subject, no? Ick. Sometimes being a grownup bites.
Comment from Still Hopeful
Time September 17, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Oops. I meant to type “the possibility that we’re both playing DEFENSIVELY certainly exists”, not the possibility that we’re both PLAYING! One tiny omitted word changes the meaning quite a bit!
Comment from John
Time June 18, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Sounds to me that the guy is just keeping her around as a backup – or someone to fall back on if he never finds ‘ms’ right. My advice would be to cut off communication with him if he doesn’t want to get exclusive and see how he reacts.
Comment from Selena
Time March 20, 2008 at 7:26 am
Great manslation from Jeff. (Like there is any other kind) But yeah, I don’t see any way around it other to tell him you want to be exclusive and why. And if he doesn’t, then decide from there if you want to stop dating him, or continue on with the status quo.
The fact that he won’t give you an explanation for not commiting to date you exclusively is pretty obvious don’t you think? He may like you very much, but wants to still keep his options open. And seriously, I’m curious, how did you find HIM on a second dating site, if you weren’t feeling uh…somewhat the same?
People who are in love don’t want to date anyone else. And if the two of you haven’t fallen in love after a year, it probably isn’t going to happen. So instead of pushing for exclusivity (just because you think you should), perhaps you both are better off leaving your options open so you CAN each find someone to fall in love with.
Just some thoughts.