She Wants a Married Man…And She Wants MY Help!?
Well, it’s Friday, and we’ve got a good one. I know, because the reader tells us right in the first sentence of her request! And she ain’t kidding. She first wrote in a question, but then took it back a few hours later in favor of this question. She wants to do something taboo. She wants a married man. And she wants to know if he’s interested. Sigh. Oh, you naughty, naughty requester. Look what you’re about to make me help you do. Well…maybe…
Okay this is a good one. Forget my simple minded few questions I sent in merely two hours ago, this is the real deal, I’m gonna break it down nice and easy. (Don’t get to excited, I am after all a woman and nothing is nice and easy)
I want to do something so taboo. I want a married man. We’ve worked together, we’ve gone out together, I’ve been honest (to a point), he knows that I’ve crushed on him, he knows I like to look at him, he knows I enjoy his company. He also now knows that if I thought I could cross that real/imagined line, I would not only jump in, I would throw myself over that line, leaving behind any self respect I’ve acquired over the years.
We’ve exchanged some “ahem” interesting emails that have had some sexual nature to them but nothing that would be easy to decipher by anyone reading them.
Here’s the deal. Either this guy is a honest guy (I know there has to be a few out there) or he flat wouldn’t take me up on my offer if I looked like Cindy Crawford. I didnt flat out tell him I would do him, however, if he would have looked directly into my eyes there was a mattress and sheets behind them.
I want to know, why does he keep meeting me if he’s not interested (?) AND is a guy ever just flattered to hear a woman say how freaking hot he is(?).
While it’s probably better for both sides for him not to acknowledge a d*mn thing if he is interested, as that would keep both sides clean, I want to know, if a man meets you repeatdly for a meal, says he’s flattered by the honest, “d*mn your hot (no I didn’t say it like that) comments, is he or is he not interested.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I keep spouting off how wrong it is of me to be crushing on a married man, cuz let’s face it, it is wrong. But I also say, I would cross that line if I thought I could. I know, I know, I’m giving off mixed messages too. Who said women were easy.
I’m just can’t figure out if he has an interest………That’s really the crux of it all.
Good luck and God be with you on this one……IT’S A WICKED ONE!!!
Dear Cassidy,
Well, it always makes me nervous when someone actually prays for me during their request. So that’s a fun start!
So, the question seems to be, does his meeting with you for meals indicate interest? And are guys ever only “flattered” when they say they are, after being told they were hottt? Interesting questions. Unethical, immoral, dare I say “wrong-ish”? But interesting.
Here’s the thing. A married guy doesn’t repeatedly go out with a single woman who tells him “how freaking hot he is” without noticing that stuff is going on. Everybody with me? Now, that does not mean that he’s ready to “cross the line” as you so delicately refer to boning. But it sure does seem like he doesn’t mind being faced with the idea of it. If he didn’t like being around the possibility of this, he could just bail out anytime he felt like.
Given that you had this “interesting” email exchange, that would seem to hint that he at least likes entertaining the possibility. But you also say that it would be hard to decipher that there was anything sexual in them. Uh, could HE decipher that? Like, are you sure he was involved in that exchange?
FLATTERED?
Very interesting word choice. This is about as non-committal a word a man can use in the face of a compliment. That’s the manslation there — it’s designed to sort of disappear the second he’s said it. Could mean, “I like it, and I am NOT going to tell you not to say it again.” Could mean, “Wow, that is awkward, and I want to avoid any open awkwardness and let the moment just slip by.”
So, how are you going to tell the difference?
IS THERE ANY OTHER EXPLANATION?
The way that Sherlock Holmes used to do things is, he’d rule out everything he possibly could. Whatever was left, no matter how completely ridiculous, must be the real answer, right? Well, can you rule out the possibility that he’s having these “meals” with you for other reasons? Is there a hound nearby? Possibly a baskerville? Ok, forget Holmes — could your interaction be work-related, perhaps?
I’m only bringing it up because that’s another way you could explain his behavior. If there was some work-related reason that he might want/need to spend time with you outside of work, it would make sense. He’d keep going out with you even though he didn’t share your expressed interest, for whatever work reason he had. He’d tell you he was “flattered” in order to keep from having some weird, awkward situation as a result of actively shutting you down.
It could also be your garden-variety “married dude who enjoys having a woman flirt with him, even though he’s not planning to do anything about it.” If you garden for that sort of thing.
The bottom line, Cassidy, is that none of this is rock-solid evidence of anything either hanky-ish or panky-ish. He’s certainly refusing to shut the door on the idea, I’ll say that much. But he hasn’t crossed any lines that I can see. The one question mark is this “interesting” email. But without knowing what he said in that exchange, it’s hard to know how serious a signal that is.
Good Luck, Cassidy. Well…I guess. But I’m afraid that if you want to wreck this home, you’re just going to have to put yourself out there a little further.
What say you, ladies? Anybody want to help an adulteress get her start?
Posted: March 21st, 2008 under Reader Requests.
Comments
Comment from mar
Time March 21, 2008 at 7:42 am
Cassidy
Leaving aside issues of right and wrong, I think you also did the best for yourself. Congratulations.
Mar
Comment from Sassy
Time March 21, 2008 at 7:48 am
Yay! Now that’s girl-power Cassidy. You sound like you’ve got a lot of things to offer the RIGHT person!
Comment from Selena
Time March 21, 2008 at 8:34 am
Well, I’m really glad I read the comments this time before I posted my own. Whew!
Cassidy, one of the things I was going to write, was articles regarding infidelty always site the top reason for it is not sex per se, but attention. That feeling of someone else finding you hott, interesting, sexually desireable, mentally stimulating, emotionally cognizant is quite powerful–particularly if such things may have slacked in the existing relationship. I’m guessing you were well on the way to seducing your married friend in this manner.
But it would seem girlfriend, that you were also seducing yourself in the same fashion. Hey, you recongized it! Kudos.
I’m glad you made the better decision not to pursue this ‘dalliance” futher. Morality set aside for the moment, these things are rarely without angst and regrets for the OW (other woman). And when you look at *getting* a married man as a challenge, what happens when you *get* him? If he left his wife for you then all those excitng things that brought him to you become a burden, a responsibility. Who really wants that?
Thanks for writing in about “what happened next”. Manslations-minds always want to know.
Selena
Comment from Cyn
Time March 21, 2008 at 9:02 am
I’m also glad that I read the comments first. Cassidy, if you didn’t get a chance to read it beforehand, please see my own letter that Jeff Mac answered a few days ago. I totally understand why you wrote your original letter. When you have been on your own for a long, long time, you can be so susceptible to ANY flattery and attention from a guy. So glad you didn’t cross that line, and I’m especially glad that you provided your update. Keep up the great work on yourself!
Comment from TJo
Time March 21, 2008 at 10:42 am
On the subject of cheating in general, always remember “if they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you” If a person in a “relationship” cheats with you, the chances that they will do it again are fairly good, except you’ll be the one they’re cheating on.
Comment from Cassidy
Time March 21, 2008 at 10:46 am
Thanks everyone….
It was to say the least a moment of great insanity. Probably one of my most insane…..EVER.
I’ve been checking constantly for this question to come up, out of sheer terror at what I had written….just waiting to counter act the “total ickiness” of it all.
Just glad I came to my senses… Gotta love that Holy Water!!!
Comment from Just Me
Time March 21, 2008 at 11:01 am
Good job, Cassidy!
As someone who’s cheated and been cheated upon, I can say with conviction that the amazing rush of crossing the line is almost immediately killed by the nasty, brutish reality of the mess you’ve just created.
People’s lives get changed forever by shit like that, and not always in a good way. And you certainly don’t be the one responsible!
It’s ever-so-much better for one’s karma to just NOT go there.
Comment from Ellen
Time March 21, 2008 at 11:11 am
Congrats, Cassidy, for making the right decision. And it’s not just about “right” and “wrong.” It’s about doing what’s best for you, spiritually, emotionally, or however you want to put it.
When I find myself guessing/obsessing about what a guy is thinking or intending, I remind myself to check in with myself. What’s going on with me that I”m doing this? What am I really needing or wanting, and is this situation going to get me there? Does obsessing itself do something for me? (e.g. sometimes constantly checking my email or voice mail seems an improvement to just sitting around by myself doing nothing) Am I opting for the tingle, the quick thrill rather than the slow, more difficult process of meeting an getting to know someone? Why am I considering doing something that I know won’t lead anywhere good?
E
Comment from mtn_gal4
Time March 21, 2008 at 12:00 pm
How nice… it’s IDIOT WOMEN like these who totally screw up others relationships, invade families, and destroy peoples lives. With no consideration for anyone but self, pure lust, and just plain immoral. . . exactly what’s wrong with this damn world. Thanks
Comment from Pam
Time March 21, 2008 at 12:18 pm
A very wise friend once told me — when I was in the throes of desperate-fraught-agonizing singleness — that my lonliness was interfering with my better judgement.
Meditating on that statement really helped me…
Be good to yourself. What’s the saying? To thineownself be true.
Peace out, yo.
-Pam
Comment from Cassidy
Time March 21, 2008 at 12:53 pm
10. mtn_gal4 | March 21, 2008 at 12:00 pm
How nice… it’s IDIOT WOMEN like these who totally screw up others relationships, invade families, and destroy peoples lives. With no consideration for anyone but self, pure lust, and just plain immoral. . . exactly what’s wrong with this damn world. Thanks
*******************************************************************************
I knew there would be at least one flamer. How’s that glass house your living in? Lemme know how that works out for ya.
If simply thinking about making a mistake makes one an idiot….WOW, this world must be full of them. I am just going to assume that your perfection…..ahhh, never mind, it’s not worth it.
Thanks again for the positive thoughts (they are very life affirming)….and thanks again, Mr. Manslator, for even going there….It wasn’t a nice question, but you answered it without judgement or condemnation. Very Nice.
Comment from Eric the BeehiveHairdresser
Time March 21, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Single man waves hello to a room full of single? women…
Comment from christine
Time March 21, 2008 at 1:14 pm
hi eric,
where do you live?
chrstine
Comment from Aurora
Time March 21, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Christine….
I may need to fight you for Eric:) Unless he has another single friend.
Comment from Eric the BeehiveHairdresser
Time March 21, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I live in Brooklyn, and ladies, if you two are going to fight over me, I think we should sell some tickets first.
Comment from Susan
Time March 21, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Cassidy, kudos for making the decision you did!
I also wanted to mention for any book lovers the novel The Adultery Club by Tess Simmons, which touches on this very topic. It’s an interesting story about the 3 players in a love triangle (husband, wife, other woman) — funny and heartbreaking at different times. I for one could identify with all 3 characters at certain points … but it’s better to read about messy relationships than to live them.
Again, good for you, Cassidy on putting the idea, not the man, to bed.
Comment from Shelby
Time March 21, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Cassidy, good for you for the Holy Water…I say this because if a guy is married and flirting, there’s a giant chance he will do the same exact thing to you if he were to leave his wife or have an affair with you. You don’t want or need that! Plus, my friend C has been pining over and having an affair with a married man in a very similar situation to yours. And she’s been in this nightmare for 14 years now. She’s torn up all the time and you don’t want that in your life, either. You deserve a man whom will give you the respect and attention you deserve!
Comment from Susan
Time March 21, 2008 at 5:11 pm
By the way, the author I mention above – her name is “Tess Stimson” not Simmons. Oops.
Comment from mmagnolia
Time March 21, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Alleluia–this IS a Good Friday 4enlightenment! GollyGee, Friends: I thought I embodied a take-no-prisoners mindset but good2know not so, and via a perfect scenario. Let’s hang onto our stones; irrelevant 4now if the guy’s got a ‘cheat’ history. Ms. C’s situation is not really of an either/or species [yes--had Holy h2o lately]. There’s ‘grey/gray’ here, and that’s perceived by someone who believes (2 words!) in fidelity as an expression of honesty–whether acquired or natural. BTW: Love! that “mattress and sheets” behind eyes phrase; if moment arises to quote, will cite source! Let’s exhale & consider some relevant bits: [1] No note on mindset of MM’s spouse; [2] No mention made that Dear Cassidy wants the “altar thing” with the ‘MM’; [3] Maybe Ms. Cassidy only wants to bless herself & the MM with momentary love&happiness; [4] It’s unknown whether momentary L&H would be ok [or has been so?] w/ ‘wife’; [5] Ms. C’s query seems 2B a search–not on adultery–but on ultimate honesty, which often is a refugee within our selves. Sure, if the operative adjective applicable to the MM is “cheat”, that is unhealthy & counterproductive for himself, first & most–and for two ‘hers’, but that is an unknown. Thanks, Schoolmates, 4enticing me to cool my jets on being too “pink&blue”. All things are never equal. However, all things can be simple. Intrinsic or belated honesty is an essential holy stream for any merry intercoursing. Cheerful Blessings on the Wading!
Comment from hunter
Time March 22, 2008 at 1:00 am
to cassidy,
My applause!….
Comment from hunter
Time March 22, 2008 at 10:41 am
on second thought, I think I meet more flirty married women, than, single flirty women…
Comment from lida
Time June 21, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Hi my name is Lida i am look for man to marry
Comment from maps
Time October 27, 2010 at 10:24 pm
this was posted 2 years ago so the whole thing is distant past, but I identified with a LOT of this question. In my case I try to stop myself from wondering if he *would*, because I wouldn’t want him to… and I wouldn’t want to…. in the real world… fantasy’s a different story. There’s a big difference between thoughts and actions. sometimes I think of being with this married man i’m “crushing” on, and the thought of the ring is exciting. the symbol that he’s somebody elses, but I have him. I know it’s very wrong and disgusting, and it would make me angry to hear somebody else say it.. and I would never say it out loud to anybody… but the idea is thrilling. the real world is never like fantasy though, and in the real world seeing that ring would lead to guilt and sadness.
I understand where the one angry poster was coming from.. if you’ve been cheated on it’s very easy to place all the blame on “the other woman”. but to say that she is the “homewrecker” isn’t right. men aren’t just mindless little puppy dogs who follow whoever tugs on their “leash” lol… if they want to cheat, they will do it with whoever comes along. they have brains and are capable of making decisions and having self control too. to say that “the other woman” is the problem and the homewrecker is missing the point that the man was the one with a home to wreck in the first place. Yes, I would feel terrible for hurting a woman that I don’t know and have never met… but how much worse is it to hurt someone you know well, supposedly love, and commited to spending a lifetime with?
I ended up on this post because I was googling, trying to find advice on turning my interest and emotions for this married man back down to normal friendship level. I want to keep the harmless flirting and fantasy, but not think of him when he’s not around. And not have my gut twist when he mentions his wife.
so far all I’ve found is a lot of advice on why not to have an affair… which I don’t need. I know it’s a line I wont cross, and I think it’s probably one he wouldn’t either. I just want to stop having feelings for him, but maintain the friendship we have.
Comment from Cassidy
Time March 21, 2008 at 7:08 am
Before anyone runs out and buys a gallon of holy water to throw on me…..WAIT……
Not only did I run to the nearest holy water store and buy some for myself and (took a bath, brushed my teeth,washed my hair, not to mention guzzled a whole lot of down), I also grew a brain.
I did not do anything, nor will I ever do anything with this married man or any other. Consider it a nasty case of, my year has really sucked, I was lonely, someone was paying attention to me and damn that felt good——-itis.
Not long after I sent this in, and got clean with my holy water and grew my new brain, I thought to myself UH-OH…..
So, no, I don’t need help getting a start on adultry any longer.
I choose self esteem and happiness over immoral white trashiness and being a ho!!!
Thanks Jeff Mac~~~for answering it anyway. You really do rock!!